MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES, 


WITH  AN  OCCASIONAL   FELICITY,   BY 
WAY  OF  CONTRAST. 


BY  AN  IRRITABLE  MAN. 


TO  WHICH  ARE  ADDED,  AS  BEING  PERTINENT  TO 

THE  SUBJECT,  MY  NEIGHBORS,  AND  DOWN 

IN  THE  VALLEY. 


-s  ^  O    V- 

ft»W 

BY  BARRY  GRAY. 

\         v 


NEW  YORK: 
PUBLISHED  BY  HURD  AND  HOUGHTON. 

Q&  fhpfcfftc*     Q  ll  v  o  <*  c( 

iV  lUtviJlUv      .fp  V  v  **  *»  • 

1869. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1865,  by 

ROBERT  BAKRY  COFFIN, 

to  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the  Southern 
District  of  New  York. 


RIVERSIDE,  CAMBRIDGE  : 

STEREOTTPED  AND  PRINTED  BT 

H.  0.  HOUGHTON  AND  COMPANY. 


DEDICATORY  LETTER 


SANDFORD   R.   GIFFORD,  N.   A. 

MY  DEAR  S.  R.  G.: 

To  you,  one  of  my  oldest  and  most  valued  friends,  the 
playmate  of  my  boyhood,  the  companion  of  my  manhood, 
whose  society  has  ever  been  to  me  a  source  of  more  than 
ordinary  enjoyment  ;  and,  during  these  latter  years,  in  the 
contemplation  of  whose  pictures  —  the  reflex  of  nature  in 
her  most  charming  moods  —  I  have  experienced  unquali 
fied  delight,  I  dedicate,  with  much  satisfaction,  this  little 
volume  of  "  Matrimonial  Infelicities  "  ;  trusting,  however, 
that  the  experiences  therein  set  forth  by  an  "  Irritable 
Man  "  may  not  deter  you  from  entering  the  arena  of  mar 
ried  life,  and,  under  your  own  grape-vine  and  apple-tree, 
presiding  as  pater  familias. 

* 

Your  disposition  —  like  my  own  —  is  so  essentially  dif 
ferent  from  the  irritable  individual's  who  wrote  these 
sketches,  that  I  am  satisfied  the  best  life  —  that  of  a 
married  man's  —  which  this  world  can  afford,  would  fully 
compensate  you  for  leaving  your  bachelorhood  behind 
you,  and  taking  your  place  among  the  Benedicts.  And, 
although  the  gratification  I  now  experience  of  gathering 
my  bachelor  friends  around  my  mahogany,  would  be  lost, 
if  you,  and  other  artist  companions  whom  I  might  name, 


vi  DEDICATORY  LETTER, 

were  to  marry,  yet  I  would  be  willing  to  forego  even  that 
pleasure,  and  with  it  the  hope  I  have  long  entertained  of 
one  day  in  the  future  beholding  in  our  circle  a  bachelor 
of  three-score  years,  provided  you  and  they  would  follow 
the  worthy  example  I  have  set  you. 

If  you  should  for  a  moment  believe  that  the  following 
infelicities  are  the  usual  accompaniments  of  marriage,  I 
beg  leave  to  state  that,  so  far  as  my  own  experience  goes, 
it  is  utterly  at  variance  with  such  record. 

In  conclusion,  I  desire  to  express  the  hope  that  we  both 
may  live,  still  united  by  the  same  bond  of  friendship,  as 
many  years  in  the  future  as  we  have  in  the  past,  which 
would  bring  us  each  to  a  hale  old  age. 
I  remain, 

with  regard  and  esteem, 

your  friend  of  many  years, 

BARRY  GRAY. 
FORDHAM,  N.  7.,  July  25th,  1866. 


CONTENTS. 


CONVERSATION  AT  THE  BREAKFAST-TABLE        .... 

MY  WARDROBE 6 

MY  BOOKS  AND  PAPERS 13 

FRIDAY'S  SWEEPINGS        ........        18 

DOMESTIC  GOVERNMENT       ........     23 

GOING  OUT  TO  DINE .        .        28 

MY  WIFE  WANTS  MONEY     ........    33 

AFTER  MIDNIGHT 38 

HOUSE-CLEANING          .........     43 

GOING  TO  CHURCH 49 

EARLY  IN  THE  MORNING  .  .....     54 

MY  WIFE  HAS  A  HEADACHE 59 

IN  THE  TWILIGHT        .........     64 

THE  MORNING  AFTER        ........        69 

SEEING  THE  SEVENTH  HOME 74 

MY  WIFE  WANTS  COUNTRY  AIR       ......        79 

I  ORDER  A  DINNER 85 

WHERE  SHALL  WE  PASS  THE  "  FOUETH  "  ?     ...         .91 

I  ATTEND  A  CLAM-BAKE      ........     97 

HOW  I  PASSED  THE  FOURTH  OF  JULY    ...  .      101 

MY  FRIEND  THE  GENERAL 105 

SOMEBODY  IS  RESPONSIBLE      .......       112 

MY  WIFE  RETURNS  HOME    ....        r        ...  117 

OVER  OUR  COFFEE    .........       123 

PEACE  AT  LAST 128 


viii  CONTENTS. 


MY    NEIGHBORS. 

PAQB 

JACK    POTTS   AND    WIFE   NEW-TEAR'S   MORNING         .  .  .         13*2 

JACK    POTTS    AND   WIFE   NEW-YEAR'S    NIGHT         ....    139 
HANKY    AND    KATRINA    VANDER    HEYDEN    AT    HOME  .  .         145 

HANKY    AND    THE    WIDOW'S    SLEIGH-RIDE      .....    151 

O      PHILANDER    COE,    THE    POET 157 

THE    POET'S    NEW    AND    OLD    LOVE  ......    163 

PRUDENCE    AND    TEMPERANCE    JONES  .....          170 

RtR     AND    MRS.    POTTS    HAVE    A    LITTLE    DISCUSSION       .  .  .    176 


DOWN  IN   THE   VALLEY. 

COUSIN    KATE  ;     HER    MATRIMONIAL    VIEWS  J     HER    AGE.  — 

SOME  ONE'S  DISAPPOINTMENT.  MY  EMPLOYMENT. THE 

COMMUNITY.  —  MISSIONARY  FRIENDS.  HISTORICAL  SO 
CIETY.  ANTIQUARIAN  ASSOCIATION.  KATE'S  PLAIN 
NESS. HER  POSITION 183 

GREGORY    GRUMM  ;     HIS    PERSONAL    APPEARANCE;    .HIS   AF 
FAIRS  AND  MINE.  IN  THE  SAME  BOAT.  "  ALLEN-DALE." 

"  THE  HEMLOCKS."  —  GREGORY'S  WHIM  ;  HIS  ACTS  OF 
KINDNESS.  —  FRED'S  LETTER.  —  WHY  HE  HAS  A  VACATION. 
MONEY 189 

THE   PONY  J    HIS  COST.  —  FRED*S  HEALTH.  —  SUMMERSETS.  — 
KATE    SINGS;    HER  VOICE.  —  GREGORY'S   GALLANTRY. — 

KATE  AN   HEIRESS.  —  OUR  ASTONISHMENT.  GREGORY'S 

ANGER.  — FRED'S  NAUGHTINESS  ;  HIS  PARDON.  —  ANOTHER 
LETTER  FROM  FRED 195 

"THE  GOLDEN-RULE  SOCIETY;"    THEIR  DOINGS.  SOUP   AND 

SOAP  TICKETS. THE  ESQUIMAUX. INSULT  TO  GREGORY. 

LILLY  WHITE. A  LITERARY  TEA-FIGHT. NANCY.  MRS. 

AXSEY.  —  FRED'S  ANNOYANCES;  SKETCH  OF  HIS  LIFE. — 
ARTISTICAL  CRITICISM 203 


CONTENTS.  tx 

PAGE 

KATE  AND  I  AT  BREAKFAST. — WHAT  SENT  GREGORY  TO  NEW 
PORT. —  LILLY  WHITE;  HER  FIRST  VISIT.  —  THE  GOLDEN 

RULE. THE  BARKERS.  —  A  MYSTERIOUS  ADVERTISEMENT. 

GREGORY     GOES     TO    NEW    YORK. POMPEY. GREGORY'S 

NOTE.  — KING    SOLOMON.  —  FRED'S    LETTER  .  .  .    210 

KATE  ON  LOVERS. A    LETTER. A  MILLINER'S  BILL.  —  A  NEW 

HAT. AT    CHURCH. THE    SERMON;     ITS    APPLICABILITY. 

TURNING  THE  TABLES. — HAIR-DYE  AND  WIGS.  —  DISCRE 
TION. —  CHANGING  THE  SUBJECT.  — "DOWN  IN  THE  VAL 
LEY"  \  21G 

NEWS  FROM  GREGORY.  —  KATE  IN  LOVE. GREGORY'S  DANGER; 

HIS  LETTER. — AT  THE  "  ASTOR." CITY-HALL  CLOCK. — 

CHATHAM  STREET. UP-STAIRS. STRIPED  PANTS.  —  LIL 
LY  WHITE  J  HER  FORTUNE.  A  HAPPY  FAMILY. —  BRIEF 

CANDLES. MY  REMARKS.  —MY  LETTER     ....  221 

MRS.  AXSEY.  —  GENEALOGICAL.  —  A  SIGN.  —  HER  PORTRAIT. 
A  HINT  FOR  GREGORY. — HER  DECEASED  "  PARDNERS." — 
SIMON  JONES.  MISTER  CLOVER.  —  OLD  AXSEY.  —  BAL 
LOON. —  NUMBER  FOUR.  —  GINGERBREAD.  — A  MYSTERIOUS 
LADY.  —  A  BABY. LILLY  WHITE 22G 

AN  ILLUSTRATED  LETTER. — FRED'S  SUSPENSION.  —  FINANCIAL 
AFFAIRS.  —  CAUSE  OF  "HARD  TIMES."  —  EXCULPATION  OF 
THE  LADIES.  —  KNIGHT-ERRANTRY.  —  WEDDING-GARMENTS. 
MRS.  AXSEY  J  HER  PRIVATE  OPINION  ;  HER  POEM.  —  "  IN 
MEMORIAM."  —  A  TABLET.  INSANITY. GOSPEL  DOC 
TRINE. —  THE  DECEASED  AXSEY. — BURNT  PIES.  .  .  232 

CONFIDENTIAL. — GREGORY'S  NIECE.  —  "LILLY  WHITE'S  MOTH 
ER." —  THE  REV.  JABEZ  GRUMM  ;  HIS  CHARACTER  J  HIS  SON 
GREGORY  ;  HIS  DAUGHTER  PATIENCE  ;  THEIR  EDUCATION. 
TREASURES  IN  THE  GARRET.  —  SUNFLOWERS  AND  HOLLY 
HOCKS.  DAVID  AND  ABSALOM.  —  A  BOSTON  BLADE.  — 

JEPHTHAH'S  DAUGHTER 237 

GREGORY'S  RETURN.  —  WHAT  THE  GOLDEN  RULE  SAID.  —  OUR 
THANKSGIVING  DINNER.  —  A  FAMOUS  PIE.  —  MRS.  AXSEY 
SPEAKS;  ITS  EFFECT. — GREGORY'S  OPINION  OF  MRS.  A. 
—  FRED'S  OPINION.  —  GREGORY'S  PLANS.  —  ENTERTAINING 


x  CONTENTS. 

PAOt 

BACHELORS.  —  BAGDAD.  —  ARABIAN   NIGHTS. —  PERFUMES 
AND   OILS 244 

THE  NEW  CHURCH.  THE  OLD  CHURCH. THE  TOLLING  BELL. 

•SWALLOWS. SQUARE   PEWS.  —  BOYS    AT   PLAY.  JACK- 
KNIVES. DREAMS.  THE  OLD   RECTOR. THE  VESTRY 

RESOLUTIONS.  —  THE    NEW    CLERGYMAN. SPIDERS    AND 

FLIES.  REFORM.  ORGAN  VS.   BASS-VIOL.  GREG'S   IM 
MOLATION.  —  "  THEN  AND  NOW  " 250 

GREGORY  GETS   READY  TO  BE   MARRIED.  ORPHAN   ASYLUM. 

PETER    COOPER. WHAT    THE    YOUNG    LAWYER    SAID.  

HOW  HE  PLAYS  CHESS.  —  GREGORY'S  ADVICE.  MRS.  AX- 

SEY  SPEAKS.  —  TEMPTING   PROVIDENCE.  THE   LATE   MR. 

A.  — "A  BACHELOR'S  LEGACY" 258 

CHRISTMAS  NIGHT. — TEN  YEARS  AGO.  —  A  CHRISTMAS  PARTY. 

KATE  AND  IJ   HER   STORY  AND   MINE. THE  MARRIAGE. 

IN   THE   CHURCH. — GREG'S  ESCAPE.  —  DIMES   AND  QUAR 
TERS. THE   DINNER. MRS.   AXSEY   AND  MILLIKIN8. 

NO.  FOUR.  —  A  SECRET.  —  THE  LAST  FAREWELL.  —  ALONE  264 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

FIRST  INFELICITY. 

CONVERSATION    AT    THE    BREAKFAST-TABLE. 

;Y  dear,"  I  said  to  the  lady  who  was  seated  opposite 
to  me  at  the  breakfast-table,  and  who  has  the  good 
fortune  to  be  my  wife,  "  if  there  be  one  thing  I 
dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  receive  a  cup  of  coffee 
that  looks  as  if  it  had  been  sipped  from  before  it  reached 
my  hands.  Have  I  not  often  asked  you  to  fill  my  cup  to  , 
within  an  eighth  of  an  inch  of  the  rim,  and  not  give  it  to 
me  half  or  three  quarters  full  ?  " 

"  You  are  as  particular  as  an  old  bachelor,"  the  estimable 
lady  replied,  "  and  if  I  had  known  it  before  I  married  you, 
this  day  would  not  have  seen  me  your  wife.  There,  sir,  is 
your  cup  of  coffee.  I  hope  it  will  suit  you." 

"  Good  gracious !  "  I  exclaimed,  as  I  took  the  cup,  "  now 
you  've  managed  to  run  it  over.  You  certainly  -must  be 
aware  that  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than 
another,  it  is  to  find  slops  in  my  saucer." 

"  Well,  if  you  will  insist  on  my  filling  the  cup,  you  must 
expect  that  sometimes  I  shall  spill  it  over ;  besides,  your 
finding  fault  with  me  does  no  good,  but  makes  me  nervous, 
and  causes  my  hand  to  tremble,  so  that  I  only  wonder  there 
is  any  coffee  left  in  the  cup.  But  here  is  a  clean  saucer, 
in  place  of  the  one  you  have." 

Having  effected  this  important  change,  I  tasted  the  con 
tents  of  my  cup.     It  was  evident  to  me  that  there  was  no 
l 


2  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

sugar  in  it.  I  tasted  it  again  to  make  certain  of  the  fact. 
•Then  I  said  to  her,  — 

"  You  have  neglected  to  put  sugar  into  my  coffee.  If 
there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  coffee 
unsweetened." 

"  I  am  certain,"  replied  my  estimable  spouse,  "  that  I  did 
sweeten  it.  I  don't  think  you  have  stirred  it." 

"  But  I  know  I  have,"  I  answered. 

"  Not  with  your  spoon,"  said  the  provoking  woman,  "  for 
it  is  perfectly  dry  ;  perhaps,  however,  you  used  your  fork." 

"  Pshaw ! "  was  all  the  answer  I  vouchsafed  to  this  re 
mark. 

"  Now,  I  declare,"  I  said,  after  having  stirred  and  sipped 
my  coffee,  "  you  have  made  it  too  sweet.  If  there  be  one 
thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  have  my  coffee 
taste  like  syrup." 

"  Let  me  put  more  milk  with  it,  then  ?  "  said  the  obliging 
woman. 

"  No,  I  thank  you,"  I  replied  ;  "  I  don't  care  to  have  my 
stomach  turned  into  a  dairy.  I  gave  up  milk  diet  when  I 
cut  my  first  teeth." 

u  It  is  to  be  hoped  that  you  will  give  up  the  habit  of 
fault-finding,  which  you  possess  in  an  eminent  degree, 
when  you  come  to  cut  your  wisdom-teeth,  though  no  one 
can  tell  when  that  will  be." 

"  Thank  you,"  I  replied ;  "  you  will  probably  be  the  first 
who  will  know  it  when  it  occurs." 

•'  And  a  happy  day  it  will  be  for  me,"  she  answered,  with 
provoking  calmness.  "  Few  know,  though,  how  much  un- 
happiness  your  constant  fault-finding  causes  me.  Noth 
ing  I  do  seems  to  give  you  any  satisfaction.  There  is  n't  a 
moment  elapses,  while  you  are  in  the  house,  save  when 
you  're  asleep,  but  you  are  thus  occupied.  The  truth  is,  I 
have  always  been  too  indulgent  with  you,  and  humor  you 
when  I  ought  not.  I  did  n't  commence  right  in  the  first 
place.  I  should 'have  paid  no  attention  to  your  whims,  but 


MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES.  3 

studied  my  own  convenience  and  comfort,  instead  of  seek 
ing  to  make  everything  smooth  and  pleasant  for  you.  Then 
I  would  have  got  along  much  better.  Oh,  you  men  are 
great  tyrants,  and  if  a  woman  yields  to  you  in  the  least, 
you  follow  up  your  advantage,  and  bend  her  will  to  yours, 
and  crush  her  spirit  to  the  earth,  till,  by-and-by,  you  break 
her  heart." 

"  My  dear,  I  will  thank  you  for  another  cup  of  coffee," 
I  said,  passing  my  cup  to  her  ;  "  but  be  careful  not  to  run 
it  over,  nor  get  it  too  sweet,  nor  put  in  too  much  milk. 
What  an  intolerable  steak  this  is,"  I  added ;  "  it  is  tough 
enough  to  have  been  cut  from  one  of  the  cattle  pastured 
upon  a  thousand  hills  more  than  a  thousand  years  ago.  If 
there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  a 
tough  beefsteak." 

"  You  selected  it  yourself,  at  the  market,  so  you  need  n't 
find  fault  with  me  on  account  of  it.  I  knew  it  was  tough 
the  moment  I  looked  at  it." 

"  Then  why  did  n't  you  send  it  back  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  Because,  as  it  was  of  your  choosing,  I  supposed  you 
wanted  a  tough  one ;  besides,  if  I  had  returned  it,  you 
would  have  found  fault  with  me  for  doing  so." 

"  "Well,  I  can't  eat  it,  that 's  certain,"  I  said  ;  "  so  it  had 
better  be  taken  off  of  the  table.  I  sha'n't  throw  any  more 
money  away  on  beefsteaks." 

"  Oh,  it  will  answer  for  hash,"  said  my  economical  wife, 
"  and  you  can  have  it  for  dinner." 

"  Hash  ! "  I  exclaimed.  "  If  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike 
more  than  another,  it  is  hash.  Hash  is  only  fit  for  chil 
dren  and  old  people  without  teeth.  Besides,  it  is  a  popu 
lar  dish  at  boarding-schools  and  boarding-houses ;  and 
when  I  was  a  boy,  and  afterwards  while  a  bachelor,  I  ate 
my  share  of  it,  and  I  'm  not  going  to  eat  any  more.  No  ; 
we  '11  have  a  turkey  for  dinner." 

"  Very  well,"  said  my  spouse,  "  a  turkey  let  it  be.  Shall 
I  see  to  getting  one  ?  " 


4  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  I  think  not,"  I  answered.  "  The  fact  is,  that  all  the  tur 
keys  you  select  turn  out  to  be  like  the  celebrated  one  of 
which  Job  was  the  reputed  owner,  —  poor  and  tough.  No  j 
I  '11  buy  the  turkey,  and  you  can  cook  it." 

"  Very  well,"  said  the  imperturbable  lady.  "  But  how 
will  you  have  it  cooked  ?  " 

"  Oh,  any  way ;  suit  yourself,"  I  answered. 

"  Then  I  think  I  will  roast  it,"  she  replied. 

"  Roast  it !  "  I  exclaimed.  "  That  is  just  like  you.  Now 
you  know  that  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than 
another,  it  is  to  have  a  turkey  roasted." 

"  Very  well,  then,"  said  the  accommodating  woman,  "  I 
will  boil  it." 

"  Boil  it !  "  I  said,  aghast.  "  Boil  soup,  boil  lamb-chops, 
boil  cherries,  if  you  like,  but  never,  for  me,  boil  a  turkey." 

"  Pray,  then,  how  will  you  have  it  cooked  ?  Only  tell 
me,  and  it  shall  be  done." 

"  Why  —  why  —  well  —  fricassee  it,  of  course,"  I  an 
swered,  triumphantly. 

"  Very  well,"  said  the  lady,  looking,  however,  as  if  it 
were  not  very  well. 

"  Why  can't  you  say  something  else  besides  '  very 
well '  ?  "  I  asked.  "  What  a  provoking  woman  you  are,  to 
be  sure." 

"  Not  half  so  provoking  as  you  are,"  she  replied. 

"  Now,  then,  you  wish  to  make  me  angry,  I  suppose  ;  but 
you  can't  do  it,"  I  said.  "  I  have  put  up  with  everything 
all  through  breakfast,  and  I  am  not  going  to  be  provoked 
;ust  as  I  am  finishing." 

'•  I  am  sure  I  don't  wish  to  provoke  you,"  my  wife  said, 
in  a  most  innocent  and  aggrieved  manner. 

"  But  you  certainly  do  provoke  me,"  I  replied. 

"  Then  I  am  sorry  for  it,"  she  answered,  in  a  softened 
tone,  "  for  such  was  not  my  intention." 

I  looked  across  the  table  at  my  wife  ;  something  like  a 
tear  rolled  down  her  cheek. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  5 

"  Goodness  !  "  I  whispered  to  myself,  "  I  have  made  my 
wife  weep.  "What  —  a  —  what  —  a  —  brute  I  am." 

Then,  speaking  aloud,  I  exclaimed,  — 

"  Darling ! " 

"  Well,"  was  her  calm  reply. 

"  Do  you  know,"  I  continued,  "  that  if  there  be  one  thing 
I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  a  tear." 

She  answered  simply  with  a  sad  smile. 

"  Sweetheart ! "  I  said. 

«  Well." 

"  Cook  the  turkey  any  way  you  please." 

She  shook  her  head. 

I  left  my  seat,  (having  finished  my  breakfast,)  went  to 
her  side,  and  smoothing  her  pale,  wan  cheek  with  my  hand, 
I  kissed  it,  and  said,  — 

"  Forgive  me,  dear,  this  time." 

She  smiled  dubiously,  as  if  "  this  time  "  was  only  one  out 
of  the  "  seventy  times  seven  "  which  she  would  be  called 
on  to  forgive  during  our  matrimonial  career ;  but,  neverthe 
less,  the  pressure  of  her  hand,  which  I  had  taken,  assured 
me  that  peace  was  made. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 


SECOND  INFELICITY. 

MY    WARDROBE. 

!  F  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another," 
I  said  to  my  beloved  spouse,  while  engaged  in 
arraying  myself  in  purple  and  fine  linen  —  (my 
necktie  is  of  purple  silk,  my  wristbands  of  linen)  —  pre 
paratory  to  attending  the  last  artists'  reception,  "  it  is  to 
find  no  buttons  on  my  shirt-bosom." 

"  In  that  case  you  should  wear  studs,"  said  the  lady  to 
whom  I  spoke. 

"  I  did,"  I  replied,  "  until  you  complained  that  they  wore 
the  buttonholes  out  faster  than  you  could  keep  them  in  re 
pair.  Besides,  when  thus  worn,  the  studs  would  drop  out 
and  be  lost.  And  did  n't  you  find  fault,  too,  with  their 
blackening  the  shirt-pleats,  so  as  to  make  it  impossible  to 
wash  out  the  stain  ?  " 

"  That  was  because  the  studs  were  not  gopd  gold." 

"  I  don't  know  what  you  mean  by  good  gold,"  I  replied ; 
"  but  Tiffany  assured  me,  when  I  purchased  them,  that  they 
were  eighteen  carats  fine  ;  and  I  know  the  last  I  had  cost 
enough.  Yes,  and  when  I  told  you  how  much  I  paid  for 
the  set,  you  declared  me  to  be  extravagant,  and  immedi 
ately  computed  the  number  of  loaves  of  bread  I  could  have 
bought  with  the  same  money,  —  I  have  forgotten  how  many, 
but  it  was  a  large  number.  I  made  up  my  mind  at  that 
time  never  to  buy  any  more  studs,  but  to  let  you  sew  on 
buttons.  Besides,  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more 
than  another,  it  is  studs.  One  is  certain  to  lose  them.  I 
remember  I  lost  those." 

"  You  said  you  lost  them,"  my  wife  replied,  in  a  doubt- 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  7 

ful  tone  of  voice  ;  "  but  when  that  peerless  creature,  your 
cousin  Musidora,  called  here  the  -other  day,  I  noticed  that 
the  studs  in  her  chemisette  were  exactly  like  those  you 
lost.  I  never  could  understand,  either,"  continued  the  pro 
voking  woman,  "  how  you  managed  to  lose  the  three  at  the 
same  time,  and  that,  too,  the  day  before  Christmas." 

"  My  dear,"  I  said,  "  your  facetiousness  is  very  ill-timed ; 
for  I  presume  you  are  joking  when  you  insinuate  that  1 
robbed  myself  of  studs  to  give  them  to  Musidora.  That 
hers  resemble  those  I  possessed  does  not  surprise  me,  for 
she  is  a  girl  of  excellent  taste ;  and  as  her  father,  who  owns 
diamond  washings  in  Golconda,  has  business  relations  with 
Tiffany,  I  doubt  not  that  she  purchases  her  jewelry  at  his 
store." 

"  Perhaps  so,"  was  all  my  wife  vouchsafed  in  reply. 

"  The  fact  is,  my  love,"  I  remarked,  as  I  turned  over  my 
assortment  of  collars  in  search  of  one  properly  done  up, 
"you  are  jealous  of  Musidora.  Now,  if  there  be  one 
thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  jealousy." 

"  Indeed,  sir !  "  exclaimed  my  wife. 

"  Good  gracious  ! "  I  cried,  changing  the  subject,  "  there 
is  n't  a  collar  in  this  box  fit  for  a  Christian  to  wear.  Some 
have  no  starch  in  them,  and  are  as  flaccid  as  a  last  night's 
party  glove  ;  others  are  like  sheet-iron  in  their  stiffness ; 
this  one  is  ironed  on  the  wrong  side  ;  that  one  is  n't  ironed 
at  all ;  those  are  ironed  on  both  sides ;  and  the  rest  are 
either  smutched  with  soot  or  stained  with  iron  rust.  Now, 
what  shall  I  do  ?  " 

".  I  'm  sure  I  don't  know  what  you  '11  do,  if  there  be 
none  there  that  will  answer,  unless  you  send  out  and  buy 
one,"  said  my  imperturbable  spouse. 

"  Send  out  and  buy  one ! "  I  echoed.  "  You  know  very 
well  that  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another, 
it  is  a  new,  shining,  greasy-looking  collar.  I  always  have 
them  done  up  in  a  decent  manner  before  I  wear  them.  I 
detest  a  new  collar." 


8  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  How  would  it  answer,"  suggested  my  wife,  "  to  go  to 
the  reception  without  any  ?  " 

"  It  might  answer  for  you,  but  not  for  me,"  I  replied , 
"  but  just  examine  that  lot  of  collars  yourself,  and  tell  me 
if  there  be  a  decent  one  amoifg  them,  —  fifty,  at  least,  and 
not  one  fit  to  wear." 

"  I  find  nothing  the  matter  with  this  collar,"  said  my 
wife,  examining  the  first  she  took  from  the  box ;  "  it  seems 
irreproachable." 

"  Let  me  see  it,"  I  exclaimed,  taking  it  from  her. 

I  scanned  it  carefully.  It  was  in  all  respects  a  model 
collar.  How  I  had  overlooked  it,  I  could  not  tell. 

"  And  this,"  said  my  wife,  producing  another ;  "  and 
this,"  she  continued ;  "  and  this." 

I  took  each  one  and  examined  it.  Even  my  critical  eye 
could  find  no  flaw  in  any  of  them.  They  were  perfect  ex 
amples  of  the  laundress's  art.  Suddenly  an  idea  occurred 
to  me. 

"They  could  not  have  been  in  the  box,"  I  remarked, 
"  when  I  opened  it." 

"  They  certainly  were,"  my  wife  said,  decidedly. 

"  They  were  not,  or  I  should  have  seen  them,"  I  reiter 
ated,  just  as  decidedly. 

"  Well,  have  it  your  own  way ;  but  I  know  they  were 
there,"  she  replied. 

"But  you  won't  let  me  have  it  my  own  way,"  I  an 
swered. 

"  Yes,  I  will,"  she  said. 

"  Well,  then,"- 1  continued,  "  you  confess  they  were  not 
there  ? " 

"  I  do  no  such  thing,"  she  replied.  "  I  simply  say  you 
can  have  your  own  way." 

"  Very  well ;  then  I  say  they  were  not  there." 

"  But  I  say  they  were,"  she  exclaimed,  with  considerable 
spirit. 

I  saw  there  was  no  use  in  arguing  the  matter,  so  I  re- 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  «J 

mained  silent,  although  I  felt  I  was  imposed  upon.  I  sup 
pose  I  shall  learn,  by-and-by,  the  impossibility  of  convinc 
ing  a  woman  that  she  is  in  error.  All  your  assertions,  all 
your  logic,  all  your  arguments,  are  thrown  away  upon  her. 
She  holds  fast  to  her  first  idea  with  a  tenacity  which  is  ad 
mirable  when  it  coincides  with  your  own  correct  judgment, 
but  obnoxious  in  the  first  degree  when  opposed  to  it. 
Thoughts  like  these  passed  through  my  mind,  but  were 
suddenly  checked,  when,  on  attempting  to  draw  on  one  of 
my  boots,  I  found  it  to  be  half  full  of  water. 

I  know  I  am  an  amiable  man,  not  given  to  fault-finding 
unless  incited  thereto  by  aggravating  circumstances,  the 
endurance  of  which  would  be  criminal  instead  of  praise 
worthy.  On  the  present  occasion,  therefore,  I  uttered  an 
objurgation  savoring  less  of  paradise  than  of  hades,  which 
caused  my  wife  to  exclaim,  — 

"  My  dear,  why  do  you  speak  so  ?  " 

"  Who  would  not  speak  so,  I  should  like  to  know,"  I  an 
swered,  "  if  he  found  his  boots  turned  into  a  ewer,  or  some 
thing  worse  ?  That  mischievous  boy  of  ours  must  be  cor 
rected.  He  engages  in  all  kinds  of  tricks ;  and  I  don't 
see  why  you  can't  keep  an  eye  on  him  through  the  day,  and 
restrain  him  from  mischief.  You  let  him  do  just  as  he 
likes,  however,  and  never  correct  him  for  any  annoyance 
he  may  cause  me.  Because  it  does  n't  interfere  with  your 
comfort,  you  will  sit  by  and  look  on  unrebukingly.  Of 
course,  I  am  nothing." 

"  Now,  my  dear  husband,"  she  replied,  "  you  are  unkind 
and  ungenerous.  You  know  well  enough  that  if  I  should 
find  the  little  fellow  engaged  in  any  kind  of  mischief,  I 
would  put  a  stop  to  it.  But  if  my  back  is  turned  for  an 
instant,  he  takes  that  opportunity  of  doing  something  that 
he  ought  not.  It  is  more  than  I  am  able  to  do  to  keep 
him  in  order  and  attend  to  my  household  duties.  The  en 
tire  time  of  one  person  is  required  to  keep  watch  over  him, 
and  prevent  him  from  doing  that  which  he  ought  not  to  do. 


10  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

For  my  part,  I  am  very  sorry  that  he  has  filled  your  boots 
with  water,  and  I  cannot  imagine  when  he  did  it." 

"  But  you  should  have  kept  him  from  doing  it,"  I  replied. 
"  If  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to 
have  my  boots  filled  with  water." 

"  It  certainly  is  provoking,"  said  my  wife,  quite  coolly ; 
"  but  I  cannot  help  it." 

"  But  you  ought  to  have  helped  it,"  I  said ;  "  and  your 
thinking  it  '  very  provoking '  is  n't  calculated  to  do  any 
good.  Your  saying  so  rather  irritates  me  than  otherwise. 
Well,  since  my  boots  are  wet,  I  must  wear  my  shoes,  I  sup 
pose  ;  but  where  are  they  ?  I  can't  find  them  !  " 

"  Why,  I  sent  them  this  afternoon  to  be  repaired ;  you 
know  they  needed  it,  and  you  said  yesterday  they  had  bet 
ter  be  sent  immediately." 

"  Good  gracious  !  my  dear,"  I  exclaimed,  "  what  an  un 
reasoning  woman  !  You  do  everything  at  the  wrong  time. 
Now,  if  you  had  sent  those  shoes  yesterday,  as  I  suggested, 
they  would  have  been  done  by  this  time  ;  but  no,  you  must 
wait  until  to-day,  and  now,  that  I  want  them,  they  are  not 
forthcoming.  I  wish  to  gracious  you  would  just  leave  my 
boots  and  shoes  alone." 

"  I  shall,  sir,  hereafter,  without  fail." 

"But  what  am  I  to  do,  I  should  like  to  know?  -The 
boots  I  have  worn  all  day  are  too  thick  and  heavy  for  this 
evening,  and  that  other  pair  are  uncomfortably  tight." 

"  Suppose  you  wear  your  slippers,  —  those  which  Musi- 
dora  worked  for  you  ;  I  am  sure  they  are  very  pretty.  By 
the  way,  they  were  a  Christmas  present :  I  had  forgotten 
that.  I  shall  question  that '  peerless  creature '  about  those 
studs  the  very  next  time  she  calls  here." 

"  It  will  be  very  polite  in  you  to  do  so,"  I  answered, 
"  and  Musidora  will,  no  doubt,  be  happy  to  inform  you  as 
to  where  or  of  whom  she  obtained  them.  You  don't  seem 
to  admire  my  cousin  Musidora  ?  " 

"  No  !  but  I  do  her  brother  Harry,"  she  replied. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  \\ 

"  You  do  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Yes,"  she  said  ;  "  is  it'  strange  I  should  admire  such  a 
handsome,  gay  fellow  as  he  ?  " 

"  Gay,  madam,"  I  replied ;  "  he  is  '  fast '  —  decidedly 
<  fast.' " 

"  But  how  charmingly  he  waltzes,"  she  said.  "  I  hope 
he  will  be  at  the  reception  to-night.  Come,  are  n't  you 
almost  ready  ?  " 

"  You  forget,"  I  replied,  "  that  I  have  no  boots  to  wear, 
so  that  it  will  be  impossible  for  us  to  go  this  evening. 
Then  it  looks  as  if  it  would  rain,  and  my  head  aches,  and, 
on  the  whole,  I  don't  think  these  receptions  are  very  pleas 
ant,  —  the  rooms  are  generally  so  crowded,  and  man  and 
wife  are  apt  to  get  separated;  and  in  the  Tenth-Street 
building  it  is  difficult  to  find  one  another  again,  amidst 
those  endless  galleries  and  studios.  No,  no,  my  dear,  let 
us  remain  at  home  this  evening  and  have  a  nice,  cosy  time 
together.  Besides,  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more 
than  another,  it  is  being  in  a  crowd." 

"  But  what  will  your  cousin  Musidora  say  if  she  does 
not  meet  you  there  ?  "  she  inquired. 

"  Oh,"  I  replied,  "  I  will  tell  her  I  was  not  well  enough 
to  go." 

"  Then  you  did  expect  to  meet  her  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  I  answered,  unthinkingly.  "  That  is,"  I  con 
tinued,  "  I  thought  —  well,  no  —  no  —  but  my  head  aches 
so  I  don't  know  what  I  am  saying." 

My  wife  smiled.     After  a  pause,  I  said,  — 

"  Poor  Harry  !  "     She  smiled  again. 

"  I  am  afraid  he  is  going  to  the  bad,"  I  continued,  "•  he 
is  so  very  fast.  He  is  a  great  flirt,  too,  and  has  been  en 
gaged  to  be  married  ever  so  many  times." 

"  That  reminds  me,  he  is  to  be  at  the  reception  this  even 
ing  with  Miss  Ivoorinski,  the  Russian  beauty,  whom  report 
says  he  is  to  marry  in  June.  He  is  very  attentive  to  her, 
and  never  leaves  her  side,  when  in  society  with  hei  for  -a 
moment." 


1 2  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  What !  what ! "  I  cried,  "  he  never  leaves  her  side  , 
she  must  be  worth  seeing.  I  think,  after  all,  we  had  better 
go,  —  my  headache  is  better,  and  I  can  wear  my  thick 
boots.  This  lady,  Miss  Kohinoorinski,  or  whatever  her 
name  is,  must  be  wealthy,  or  Harry  would  never  follow  her 
about  as  he  does.  But  where  the  plague  are  my  gloves  ! 
I  can't  lay  them  down  for  a  single  instant  but  some  one 
carries  them  off.  If  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more 
than  another,  it  is  to  lose  my  gloves. .  My  dear,  what  have 
you  done  with  them  ?  " 

"  I  assure  you,"  my  wife  answered,  "  I  have  not  touched 
them." 

"  But  I  am  certain  you  must  have  done  so,"  I  replied, 
"for  I  had  them  in  my  hands  only  a  minute  since,  and 
when  I  went  to  the  bureau  to  get  a  handkerchief,  I  laid 
them  upon  your  table,  and  now  they  have  vanished." 

"  You  dropped  them  into  your  hat,  you  mean,  where,  if 
you  will  look,  you  will  find  them." 

"  Well,  I  believe  I  did  ;  but  it 's  so  provoking  to  mislay 
one's  gloves.  Come,  are  you  ready  ?  Why,  how  long  it 
takes  you  ;  but  it  is  always  so  with  women  —  they  everlast 
ingly  keep  one  waiting  for  them.  Now,  then,  we  're  off;  — 
stop !  I  must  go  back  for  my  watch  and  porte-monnaie 
How  provoking !  " 

"  How  provoking ! "  echoed  my  wife. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  ]3 


THIRD   INFELICITY. 

MT   BOOKS   AND   PAPERS. 

'OW  many  times,  my  dear,"  I  said  to  my  wife,  as  I 
searched  in  vain  for  a  newspaper  which  I  had 
brought  home  three  days  previously,  "  must  I  re 
quest  you  not  to  disturb  my  books  and  papers  ?  I  've 
spent  an  hour,  at  least,  in  looking  for  a  newspaper  which 
contained  a  charming  poem  I  had  never  before  seen.  I 
laid  it  carefully  upon  the  mantelpiece,  so  that  it  would  be 
out  of  the  children's  reach,  and  now  it  has  disappeared. 
If  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to 
have  my  papers  meddled  with." 

"  What  is  the  name  of  the  paper  ?  "  my  wife  asked. 

"  I  neither  know  nor  care,"  I  replied ;  "  all  I  want  is  to 
find  it." 

"  Have  you  examined  both  of  the  piles  of  newspapers  on 
the  mantelpiece  ?  " 

"  Yes,  of  course  I  have,"  I  answered. 

"  And  the  one  on  the  table  ?  "  she  continued. 

«  Which  table  ?  "  I  asked. ' 

"There  is  but  one  table  in  the  room,"  she  answered; 
"  that  is  a  stand  in  the  corner." 

"  Well,  have  it  your  own  way ;  but  I  'm  sure  it  is  as  cnucb 
a  table  as  the  other.  At  any  rate,  the  paper  I  want  is  n't 
on  it.  Now,  why  you  can't  let  my  papers  rest  just  where  I 
place  them,  I  don't  see.  It  would  save  me  a  wonderful 
sight  of  trouble  and  annoyance  if  you  would  only  let  them 
alone." 

"  I  am  certain,"  said  my  wife,  "  that  I  have  not  touched 
one  of  your  papers  in  a  week,  and  I  don't  think  the  chil 
dren  have." 


14  MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES. 

"  Then  one  of  the  servants  has  taken  it  to  light  a  fire 
with.  Now,  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than 
another,  it  is  to  have  a  servant  take  a  newspaper  I  wish  to 
preserve,  to  kindle  a  fire  with." 

"  I  do  not  think,"  my  wife  said,  "  that  any  of  the  ser 
vants  have  taken  it.  My  orders  to  them,  in  regard  to  help 
ing  themselves  to  your  papers,  are  so  strict,  that  they  think 
it  as  much  as  their  situations  are  worth  to  meddle  with 
them." 

"Well,  then,"  I  exclaimed,  "if  neither  you,  nor  the 
children,  nor  the  servants  have  taken  it,  I  should  like  to 
know  where  it  has  gone  to!  Certainly  it  could  not  go 
without  hands ;  and,  now,  who  took  it  is  the  question." 

"  It  is  probable  that  you  yourself  laid  it  away,  my  dear," 
she  remarked. 

"  Nothing  can  be  less  probable,"  I  said. 

"  But  you  know  you  often  do  such  a  thing,"  she  continued, 
"  and  forget  all  about  it !  " 

"  Never  !  "  I  said,  decidedly ;  "  I  do  not  remember  of 
ever  forgetting  anything  in  my  life." 

"  Your  assertion,  my  dear,"  she  remarked,  "  proves  con 
clusively  the  treacherousness  of  your  memory,  for  I  dis 
tinctly  remember  many  instances  of  your  forgetfulness." 

"  Well,  I  have  never  forgotten  my  age,  as  some  persons 
have  theirs,"  I^said,  maliciously. 

My  wife  frowned. 

"  I  don't  see  why,"  I  continued,  "  that  ladies,  when  they 
get  a  little  passe,  should  wish  to  conceal  their  age.  As  for 
me,  I  glory  in  my  years.  Everybody  knows  that  that 
child  "  —  pointing  to  our  eldest  girl,  a  tall,  slender  miss  of 
thirteen  —  "  is  your  daughter." 

"  But  every  one  does  n't  know,"  she  remarked,  mischiev 
ously,  "  who  her  father  is." 

I  felt  that  my  amiable  wife  had  a  little  the  advantage  of 
me,  so  I  returned  to  the  newspaper  subject  again. 

"  I  wish  to  gracious,  my  dear,  you  would  find  that  paper 
for  me." 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  -15 

"  Have  you  looked  into  your  desk  for  it  ?  "  she  asked. 

"  I  have  not,"  I  replied,  and,  what  is  more,  I  do  not  in 
tend  to,  since  I  am  very  certain  it  is  not  there.  Besides, 
the  desk  is  locked,  and  I  have  the  key  in  my  pocket ! " 

"  Perhaps  you  put  the  paper  there,  however,"  persisted 
my  wife. 

"  Indeed  I  did  not,"  I  replied ;  "  but,  to  satisfy  you,  I 
will  open  the  desk." 

To  my  surprise,  the  missing  paper  was  the  first  object 
that  met  my  sight  on  raising  the  lid  of  said  desk. 

"  I  told  you  so  ! "  my  wife  exclaimed,  exultingly. 

Now  my  wife  had  not  told  me  so,  and  I  indignantly  said 
as  much. 

"  I  think,"  I  continued,  after  a  pause,  "  I  remember  tak 
ing  the  paper  from  the  mantel  and  putting  it  into  the  desk  ; 
but  I  had  forgotten  it" 

"  You  ought  to  keep  a  memorandum  of  all  such  little 
things,"  suggested  my  wife,  "  and  then  you  would  n't  find 
fault  with  me  as  often  as  you  do." 

"  Good  gracious ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  if  there  be  one  thing 
I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  a  memorandum-book.  I 
think  the  keeping  of  one  has  a  tendency  to  invoke  forget- 
fulness.  You  are  apt  to  depend  too  much  on  your  pencil- 
lings,  and  too  little  on  your  memory.  You,  perhaps,  might 
keep  one  with  advantage  to  my  comfort  and  the  better  per 
formance  of  your  household  duties  ;  but  I  don't  require 
any  yet.  By  the  way,"  I  continued,  "  where  is  that  book  I 
was  reading  last  evening  ?  " 

"  What  one  ?  "  she  asked. 

"  Why,  Irving's  Goldsmith,"  I  answered ;  "  one  of  the 
most  charming  biographies  ever  written." 

"  I  placed  it  with  others  of  the  set,"  she  answered,  "  in 
the  library." 

"  There  it  is  again  ! "  I  exclaimed  ;  "  you  never  will  leave 
my  books  just  where  I  put  them.  When  I  think  I  can  go 
and  lay  my  hand  on  the  very  book  I  want,  even  in  the  dark, 


16  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

it  is  exceedingly  provoking  to  find  that  some  one  has  taken 
it  away." 

"  You  know  that,  as  a  general  rule,  I  do  not  move  your 
books  ;  but  when  I  see  one  lying  on  a  chair,  as  I  did  this, 
I  deem  it  best  to  put  it  into  its  proper  place." 

"  Well,  I  'm  sure,  I  did  n't  leave  it  on  the  chair,"  I  said, 
•'  and  I  should  like  to  know  who  put  it  there.  I  never  had 
so  much  trouble  with  my  books  and  papers  until  I  was 
married.  Nobody  ever  thought  of  touching  them.  If  I 
chose  to  lay  a  book  on  the  floor,  in  the  middle  of  my  room, 
I  was  certain  of  finding  it  in  the  exact  spot,  when  I  wanted 
it,  even  if  it  were  a  month  afterward.  The  fact  is,  you  mar 
all  my  plans  with  your  continual  interference  with  my 
books  and  papers." 

"  The  fact  is,"  chimed  in  my  wife,  "  that  if  it  were  not  for 
me,  the  house  would  be  in  disorder  from  the  top  to  the  bot 
tom.  You  would  have  piles  of  useless  newspapers  in  every 
corner,  and  books  on  every  shelf,  chair,  and  table.  Look 
at  the  mantelpiece  at  this  moment,  —  fifty  old  newspapers 
on  it,  and  not  one  of  them  worth  anything;  then  there 
are  a  dozen  books,  covered  with  coal  ashes  and  cracking 
with  the  heat.  How  untidy  it  looks.  Besides,  whenever 
I  dust  the  mantel,  each  paper  and  book  must  be  taken  off 
and  carefully  replaced,  else  your  ire  is  excited  to  a  terrific 
degree,  and  you  pour  out  the  largest  sized  vials  of  wrath 
of  which  it  is  possible  to  conceive.  One  would  think,  if 
but  a  single  paper  be  missing,  that  a  whirlwind  had  passed 
through  the  house,  scattering  your  entire  collection  of  books, 
magazines,  pamphlets,  periodicals,  etc.,  to  the  four  quarters 
of  the  globe.  Then,  too,  at  such  times,  you  go  about  like 
a  raging  lion,  and  I,  the  children,  and  the  servants,  have  to 
get  out  of  your  way,  until  you  have  found  the  missing  paper, 
which  usually  you  yourself  have  mislaid,  when,  instantly, 
you  become  as  quiet  as  a  lamb." 

"  Good  gracious !  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  how  you  exagger 
ate." 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  17 

"  No,  I  don't  exaggerate  in  the  least,"  she  replied  ;  "  the 
simple  truth  is  even  greater  than  what  I  have  stated.  Just 
recall  the  naughty  expressions  you  use !  I  should  think 
you  would  have  more  regard  for  your  wife  than  to  speak 
such  words  before  her.  What  if  the  children  should  learn 
them  ?  Could  you  ever  forgive  yourself  for  having  used 
them  ?  Oh,  you  may  whistle  '  Home,  sweet  home  ! '  if  you 
like  ;  but  your  doing  so  will  not  change  the  fact." 

"  Well,  well,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  we  will  say  no  more 
about  it.  If  you  think  it  best  to  remove  my  papers  and 
books  from  the  mantelpiece  and  tables  hereafter,  I  will 
find  no  fault  with  you  for  doing  so.  But  if  there  be  one 
thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  have  my  books 
and  papers  touched  by  a  woman." 


18  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 


FOURTH  INFELICITY. 

FRIDAY'S    SWEEPINGS. 

HAD  seated  myself  at  my  desk,  in  my  library,  a 
morning  or  two  since,  and,  as  it  promised  to  be  a 
rainy  day,  contrary  to  my  usual  habit,  I  resolved  to 
remain  at  home,  and  finish  writing  an  article  I  had  com 
menced.  I  felt  certain  I  should  have  no  visitors  from 
abroad  to  disturb  me,  and  trusted  I  would  be  equally  free 
from  annoyance  within.  Scarcely,  however,  had  I  dipped 
my  pen  into  the  ink,  when,  without  warning,  the  door  was 
thrown  open  and  one  of  the  servants,  armed  with  a  broom, 
a  feather  brush,  and  a  dust-pan,  entered,  and,  after  regard 
ing  me  for  a  few  moments  in  an  inquisitorial  manner,  asked 
me  how  long  it  would  be  before  I  went  out.  I  gave  her 
to  understand  that  it  would  be  twenty-four  hours,  at  least. 
She  replied  that  she  could  not  wait  that  length  of  time, 
and  would,  therefore,  proceed  to  sweep  the  room. 

"  Young  woman,"  I  said,  "  you  will  oblige  me  by  going 
arifay  and  taking  your  implements  of  house-cleaning  with 
jou." 

"  Sure,"  she  replied,  "  the  mistress  tould  me  to  come 
here  and  sweep,  and  I  must  just  be  doing  it." 

"  Well,  never  mind,"  I  answered,  "  about  it  this  morning ; 
some  other  day  will  do  just  as  well." 

"  But  the  mistress  will  be  sore  vexed  with  me  if  I  don't," 
she  replied. 

"Well,  no  matter,"  I  answered;  "I'll  explain  it  to  her. 
Now  go." 

"  But "  —  she  commenced. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  19 

"  Go ! "  I  exclaimed,  interrupting  her,  and  rising  from 
my  chair  as  I  spoke. 

She  retreated  precipitately,  slamming  the  door  behind 
her  as  she  disappeared.  I  stepped  to  the  door,  turned  the 
key  in  the  lock,  and  returned  to  my  desk.  "  Now,  then," 
I  said  to  myself,  "  I  think  that  matter  is  satisfactorily  set 
tled.  How  curious  it  is,"  I  continued,  "  that  all  women 
folks  take  such  pleasure  in  sweeping.  Now,  if  there  be 
one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  a  broom 
Brooms  were  invented  by  the  evil  one  to  try  the  patience 
of  mankind."  Then  I  returned  to  my  writing. 

Before  five  minutes  elapsed,  a  knock  at  the  door  dis 
turbed  me. 

"  Who  is  there  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Meself  it  is,"  said  the  original  Biddy. 

"  What  do  you  want  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  The  mistress  bids  me  come  back  and  sweep  the  room." 

"  It  can't  be  done,"  I  replied.     "  Go  away." 

"  Will  ye  let  me  in,  sir  ?  "  she  asked. 

"  No,"  I  answered. 

«  Then  I  '11  tell  the  mistress,"  she  said. 

For  a  few  minutes  I  enjoyed  comparative  quiet ;  only, 
my  little  boy,  taking  advantage  of  the  maid  having  left  the 
dust-pan  by  my  door,  converted  it  temporarily  into  a  drumt 
using  the  handle  of  the  feather  duster  as  a  drumstick,  and, 
getting  astride  the  broom,  was  riding  up  and  down  the  hall. 
Going  to  the  door,  I  told  him  he  might  take  them  all  into 
the  yard  and  play  with  them  there.  Then  I  resumed  my 
writing,  congratulating  myself  upon  having  disposed  of 
the  servant,  the  boy,  and  the  sweeping-utensils.  I  had 
written  six  lines,  perhaps,  when  a  gentle  tapping  at  my 
door  disturbed  me.  I  knew  it  was  my  wife,  so  I  opened  it 
and  admitted  her.  She  walked  in  with  rather  a  majestic 
air,  and  took  a  seat  on  the  lounge,  without  speaking. 

"  Well,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  what  is  it  ?  " 

"  That  is  exactly  what  I  came  here  to  have  answered," 
she  replied. 


20  MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES. 

"  Then  you  '11  have  to  inquire  of  Barnum,"  I  said,  "  for  I 
can't  tell." 

"  Oh,  it 's  no  joking  matter,  sir,  I  can  assure  you,"  she 
continued.  "  How  do  you  suppose  that  I  can  keep  my 
house  in  cleanliness  and  order,  if  the  servants  are  not 
allowed  to  sweep  and  dust  when  I  tell  them  to  ?  " 

"  I  'm  sure  I  don't  know,"  I  replied  ;  "  but,  then,  I  don't 
see  the  necessity  of  one's  coming  in  here  while  I  am  writ 
ing,  and  raising  such  a  dust  as  she  necessarily  must.  Why 
she  can't  sweep  some  other  room  just  as  well  as  this,  I 
confess,  puzzles  me.  The  fact  is,  this  room  does  n't  re 
quire  sweeping.  It  is  n't  more  than  two  or  three  weeks 
ago  since  I  saw  some  one  sweeping  it." 

"  Two  or  three  weeks  ! "  echoed  my  wife  ;  "  if  it  had  not 
been  swept  since  then,  I  think  you  would  find  a  cart-load 
of  dirt  in  it. '  It  was  thoroughly  swept  on  Wednesday,  and 
now  Friday  is  my  regular  day  for  sweeping  and  cleaning 
throughout  the  house.  So,  if  you  will  just  let  the  servant 
come  in  here  and  sweep,  I  will  be  much  obliged  to  you." 

"  But,  actually,  I  don't  think  the  room  requires  it,"  I 
said ;  "  besides,  it  being  a  rainy  day,  I  had  decided  to  re 
main  at  home  and  write.  It  will  be  very  annoying  for  me 
to  stop  at  this  moment ;  and,  indeed,  I  won't  do  it."  And 
I  resolutely  took  up  my  pen  and  resumed  writing. 

My  wife  answered  not  a  word,  but  sat  silent  for  at  least 
five  minutes.  I  did  not  once  look  up  from  my  paper,  al 
though  I  knew  that  her  eyes  were  upon  me,  and  that  she 
was  regarding  me  attentively.  It  is  very  trying  to  a  sen 
sitive  man  like  myself,  to  be  made  the  target  of  a  woman's 
eyes  for  many  minutes  at  a  time.  At  last,  throwing  down 
my  pen,  I  exclaimed,  — 

"  If  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is 
to  be  looked  at !  " 

"  Very  likely,"  said  my  wife ;  "  but  you  brought  it  upon 
yourself." 

"  Well,  I  won't  bear  it  any  longer,"  I  replied ;  "  and  I 


MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES.  21 

wish  you  would  go  away  and  leave  me  to  my  writing. 
This  is  my  room,  and  I  don't  want  it  swept.  It  seems  to 
me  as  if  sweeping  was  done  for  no  other  purpose  than  to 
raise  a  dust,  —  so  that  one  can  go  about  with  a  feather  brush 
and  a  dusting-cloth,  and  scatter  the  dust  which  has  settled 
on  the  furniture  over  the  floor  again.  What  possible  good 
is  accomplished  thereby,  I  don't  see." 

"  The  obtuseness  of  some  persons,"  she  answered,  ma 
liciously,  "  often  prevents  their  seeing  good  in  anything." 

"  Indeed  !  "  was  all  I  vouchsafed  in  reply. 

At  this  moment  Biddy  made  her  appearance,  complain 
ing  that  some  one  had  carried  off  her  broom  and  dust-pan, 
and  she  could  not  find  them.  My  wife  regarded  me  atten 
tively. 

"  If  any  one,"  she  said,  "  has  had  the  audacity  to  hide 
them,  I  shall  never  forget  it  as  long  as  I  live  !  " 

I  made  no  reply. 

"  It  is  very  singular,"  she  continued,  "  what  has  become 
of  them." 

I  looked  out  of  the  window,  and  asked  my  wife  what  the 
noise  was  that  came  up  from  the  yard. 

"  Well,  if  that  is  n't  too  bad,"  she  said ;  "  there  is  that 
dear  little  boy  out  in  the  rain  without  any  cap  on,  and  with 
the  dust-pan  and  broom.  What  a  careless  girl  you  are  to 
have  left  them  lying  where  the  little  fellow  could  get  them. 
Go,  quickly,  and  bring  in  the  child.  After  all,  it  is  your 
fault,"  she  added,  turning  to  me  ;  "  if  you  had  allowed 
Bridget  to  attend  to  her  sweeping  here,  as  usual,  this  would 
not  have  happened.  Now,  he  has  probably  taken  a  terribl 
cold,  and  will  have  the  croup  and  die,  for  aught  I  know." 

Here  the  lad  made  his  appearance,  struggling  in  Bridget's 
arms.  He  was  thoroughly  wet,  and  had  apparently  been' 
thrown  from  his  horse,  for  he  was  covered  with  mud  from 
head  to  feet. 

"  Look  at  him  !  "  exclaimed  my  wife  ;  "  can  he  ever  be 
got  clean  ?  " 


22  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  He  is  in  a  pickle,"  I  said. 

"  Pa  said  I  might  go  out,  and  take  the  broom  too,"  said 
young  hopeful. 

I  frowned  at  the  rascal. 

"  Is  that  true  ?  "  my  wife  asked. 

"  Certainly  it  is,"  I  said.  "And  now  just  see,"  I  con 
tinued,  "  how  wrong  it  was  in  you  to  send  Bridget  to  sweep 
my  room,  when  you  knew  I  was  engaged  in  writing.  It 
will  be  all  owing  to  your  ill  management  of  household  affairs 
if  that  boy  be  sick  and  die.  And  if  this  should  be  the  sad 
result,  how  you  ever  can  forgive  yourself,  I  do  not  know." 

"  But,  my  dear,"  she  said,  looking  imploringly  into  my 
face,  "  I  did  n't  send  him  into  the  yard." 

"  I  can't  help  that,"  I  replied  ;  "  the  fault  is  yours  just 
the  same.  It  all  comes  from  your  confounded  mania  for 
sweeping  and  dusting.  I  wish  to  gracious  there  was  no 
such  thing  as  a  broom  in  the  world." 

"  But,"  interposed  my  wife,  "  do  you  really  think  the 
darling  will  be  sick  and  die  ? "  and  she  clasped  the  lad, 
muddied  though  he  was,  within  her  arms. 

"  I  cannot  tell,"  I  replied,  "  how  five  minutes'  exposure 
to  a  warm  spring  rain  may  affect  him ;  but,  at  all  events," 
I  added,  smiling  at  her  terror,  "  the  fault  will  rest  at  your 
door." 

"  Ah !  I  see  how  it  is,"  said  my  wife,  her  confidence 
somewhat  restored  ;  "  it  is  the  old  story  enacted  in  the 
garden  of  Eden  by  our  first  parents,  —  the  man  putting  the 
blame  upon  the  woman." 

"  My  dear,"  I  said,  "  as  it  has  ceased  raining,  I  think  I 
will  take  a  walk,  and  while  I  am  absent,  you  can  let 
Bridget  sweep  and  dust  my  room  ;  but,"  I  added,  as  I  took 
.up  my  hat  and  coat,  "  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more 
than  another,  it  is  a  Friday's  cleaning." 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  23 


FIFTH  INFELICITY. 

DOMESTIC    GOVERNMENT. 

[HY  you  don't  keep  those  children,"  I  said  to  my 
wife,  "from  making  such  an  abominable  noise 
while  I  am  in  the  house,  I  can't  imagine.  I  should 
think  that  you'd  instruct  them  to  be  quiet  and  behave 
themselves  when  I  am  at  home.  They  have  all  the  day, 
from  pine  o'clock  until  five,  in  which  to  play  and  make  as 
much  noise  as  they  please,  and  why  you  will  allow  them  to 
keep  it  up  until  bedtime,  I  really  don't  understand.  After 
I  've  been  employed  down-town  for  six  or  eight  hours,  toil 
ing  for  you  and  the  children,  I  desire,  when  I  return  home, 
to  enjoy  rest  and  quiet,  and  not  find  myself,  the  moment 
I  enter  the  house,  in  the  midst  of  bedlam." 

"  The  noise  they  make,"  said  my  wife,  looking  up  from 
her  work,  "  can  be  no  more  annoying  to  you  than  it  is  to 
me,  who  have  to  be  subjected  to  it  all  day.  I  'm  sure  my 
nerves  ought  to  be  made  of  iron  to  enable  me  to  endure  it. 
You,  in  reality,  experience  little  of  its  unpleasantness ;  but 
here  am  I,  shut  up,  day  after  day,  with  these  noisy  beings, 
obliged  oftentimes,  through  lack  of  strength  to  correct 
them,  to  submit  to  their  caprices  and  naughtiness,  while 
you  are  abroad  in  the  open  air,  and  free  from  the  petty 
annoyances  which  surround  me.  You  men,  though,  think 
a  woman's  life  is  a  perfect  paradise.  I  wish  you  had  to  live 
only  one  such  day  as  this  has  been.  I  have  been  obliged  to 
have  the  sole  care  of  the  children  ever  since  morning,  and, 
between  their  crying  and  boisterous  behavior,  they  have 
nearly  worn  me  out.  My  head  aches  violently,  and  it 
does  n't  seem  as  if  my  fingers  could  take  another  stitch." 


24  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  But  why,"  I  asked,  "  did  you  take  so  much  upon  your 
self?  Why  did  n't  you  let  Katy  have  charge  of  the  chil 
dren,  as  usual ?  " 

"Because  this  is  ironing-day,  and  Katy  always  has  tc 
assist  the  laundress." 

u  But  what  is  the  use,"  I  inquired,  "  of  having  Katy  to 
take  care  of  the  children,  unless  she  does  it  ?  If  the  laun 
dress  cannot  perform  her  work  herself,  why  you  'd  better 
get  some  one  who  can,  so  that  Katy  can  attend  to  her  own 
business.  Now,  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than 
another,  it  is  your  mismanagement  with  the  servants. 
Each  one  should  have  her  own  duties  to  perform,  and  not 
interfere  with,  or  assist  in,  those  of  another.  I  should  just 
like  to  have  the  control  of  this  household  for  a  week,  when 
I  think  I  could  effect  a  revolution  in  it  of  a  most  satisfac 
tory  character." 

"  I  am  sure,"  said  my  wife,  "  I  have  no  objection  to  your 
taking  the  entire  charge  of  the  house  for  a  year  or  longer. 
A  pretty  housekeeper,  though,  you  'd  make.  I  think  you 
would  find  it  a  more  difficult  task,  however,  than  you 
imagine." 

"  All  that  is  necessary  to  insure  a  well-regulated  house 
hold,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  is  a  proper  system.  System  is  the 
basis  of  all  governments  —  domestic  and  national.  With 
out  it,  disorders  are  certain  to  prevail.  I  have  a  theory 
about  government,  which,  if  you  will  listen  to  me,  I'll 
explain  to  you.  In  the  first  place  " — 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  my  wife,  interrupting  me,  "  that  I 
have  time  at  present  to  hear  your  theory,  even  if  the  little 
ones  would  remain  quiet  long  enough  to  allow  me  to  give 
you  the  attention  necessary." 

"  Children,  cease  your  noise  !  "  I  exclaimed.  But  thc-.y 
gave  no  heed  to  my  command,  and  raised  such  a  hubbub 
that  it  called  forth  from  me  an  expression  which  only  the 
extreme  circumstances  of  the  case  warranted. 

"  Don't  speak  so,"  said  my  wife,   soothingly.     "  I   have 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  25 

been  obliged  to  endure  much  more  than  this  all  day,  and 
have  not  once  lost  my  temper." 

"  Good  gracious  ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  what  confounded  muss 
have  I  sat  down  in !  Some  sticky  stuff.  I  declare  it 's 
molasses.  If  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  to  sit  in  morn 
than  another,  it  is  molasses..  Why  do  you  allow  the  chil 
dren  to  have  it  ?  " 

"I  don't  know  where  they  got  it  from,  I  am  sure," 
answered  my  wife,  "  for  I  was  not  aware  there  was  a  drop 
in  the  house.  Knowing  how  averse  you  are  to  having  the 
little  ones  use  it,  since  they  stick  themselves  up  with  it  so, 
I  have  denied  it  to  them  for  months  past." 

"Well,  it  appears  they  have  got  some,  at  all  events, 
and  —  Look  at  that  child  !  daubed  from  head  to  foot." 

Here  the  slim  girl  of  thirteen  made  her  appearance  with 
a  plate  containing  sticks  of  molasses  candy,  which,  she 
said,  she  had  made  for  papa.  Now,  if  there  be  one  thing 
I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  molasses  candy  made  for 
papa ;  but  on  the  present  occasion  I  took  the  plate,  with 
its  entire  contents,  determined  that  it  at  least  should  not 
be  distributed  over  the  floor,  chairs,  and  table. 

"  Every  piece  of  furniture  in  the  room,"  I  said,  "  is 
sticky  with  this  confounded  stuff.  Every  door-knob  and 
window-pane  is  marked  with  it,  and  every  part  of  the 
house,  for  a  week  to  come,  will  be  redolent  of  it.  The 
fact  is,  my  dear,  you  allow  the  children  to  do  just  as  they 
please,  and  when  it  is  n't  molasses  they  get  into,  it  is  honey 
or  sweetmeats.  What  is  the  use  of  being  a  mother, 
unless  you  can  manage  your  children,  and  keep  them  out 
of  the  molasses  jug  ?  " 

My  wife  said  she  did  n't  see  any  use  in  it,  which  seemed 
to  me  rather  an  equivocal  answer.  While  I  was  pondering 
over  this  reply,  my  eyes  fell  upon  the  candy  before  me.  It 
seemed  to  be  filled  with  raisins.  I  examined  it  carefully, 
and  the  raisins  resolved  themselves  into  flies. 

u  Good  gracious  !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  what  could  have  in 
duced  that  child  to  put  flies  into  the  candy  ?  " 


26  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  Flies ! "  echoed  my  wife. 

"  Yes,"  I  repeated,  "  flies ! " 

My  wife  looked  at  the  candy  with  a  critical  eye.  Then 
she  rung  the  bell  for  Biddy,  who  soon  made  her  appearance. 

"  Where  did  the  children  get  the  molasses  for  their 
candy  ?  "  she  inquired. 

"  Out  of  the  jug,  to  be  sure,"  said  Biddy ;  "  where  else 
should  they  ?  Did  n't  they  find  it  in  the  cellar,  where  it 
had  been  ever  so  long,  doing  no  good  to  any  one,  and  so  I 
just  said  they  might  have  it  for  candy." 

"But  the  jug  ought  not  to  have  been  in  the  cellar, 
Biddy ;  that  is  not  its  proper  place,"  said  my  wife. 

"  Oh,  it 's  not  the  jug  we  use,  ma'am,"  responded  Bid 
dy  ;  "  and  now  I  '11  tell  you  all  about  it.  When  Nora,  the 
cook  we  had  last  summer,  you  remember,  was  here,  she 
just  accidentally,  one  day,  broke  the  handle  off  the  jug, 
and  so  that  it  would  n't  be  in  your  sight,  ma'am,  she  put  it 
on  the  upper  shelf  in  the  cellar,  where  we  forgot  all  about 
it.  I  suppose,  somehow,  the  cork  got  out  and  the  flies  got 
in,  but  it  was  very  nice  molasses,  ma'am,  for  all  that.  And 
I  told  Miss  Lily,  when  she  boiled  the  molasses,  to  be  sure 
and  skim  off  the  top  of  it,  for  I  thought  there  might  be  a 
fly  or  two  in  it,  and  I  knew  flies  liked  molasses  ;  and  that 's 
just  the  blessed  truth,  ma'am,  —  indeed  it  is !  " 

When  Biddy  had  left  the  room,  I  said  to  my  wife,  — 

"  This  is  another  example,  my  dear,  of  your  housekeep 
ing  qualifications.  You  not  only  let  the  children  do  as 
they  please,  but  you  allow  the  servants  the  same  liberty. 
If  they  break  a  jug,  why  you  know  nothing  about  it  until 
months  afterward,  when  the  children  poison  themselves 
with  eating  flies." 

"  Poison  themselves  ! "  exclaimed  my  wife  ;  "  you  don't 
mean  to  say  that  flies  are  poisonous  ?  " 

"  Well,"  I  replied,  "  I  don't  regard  them  as  wholesome 
food.  And  I  advise  you,  if  you  have  any  regard  for  the 
children's  health,  to  collect  the  balance  of  the  candy, 
scattered  around,  and  throw  it  away." 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  27 

This  opportunity  of  disposing  of  the  candy,  which  other 
wise  would  be  sticking  everything  up  for  a  week  to  come, 
was  appreciated  by  me,  and  the  few  flies  I  discovered  were 
almost  worth  their  weight  in  diamonds. 

"  Now,  my  dear,"  I  said,  after  my  wife,  having  given  her 
orders  in  regard  to  the  destruction  of  the  candy,  reseated 
herself  near  me,  "  I  will  state  my  theory  in  regard  to  do 
mestic  government.  In  the  first  place,  you  must  adopt,  as 
a  fundamental  precept,  that  which  Solomon  taught "  — 

"  My  dear,"  said  my  wife,  "  I  am  sorry  to  interrupt  you, 
but  I  must  leave  you  and  attend  to  getting  dinner." 

After  saying  this,  my  wife  abruptly  left  the  room.  My 
theory,  which,  however,  is  a  good  one,  I  shall  insist  on  her 
listening  to  some  day  or  other. 


28  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 


SIXTH  INFELICITY. 

GOING    OUT   TO    DINE. 

)U  need  not  wait  dinner  for  me  to-day,"  I  said  to 
my  wife,  while  I  lingered  over  my  second  cup  of 
coffee  at  the  breakfast-table,  "  as  I  expect  to  dine 
at  the  Brevoort  House  with  a  friend." 

"  There  it  is  again,"  replied  the  estimable  woman  ;  "  you 
are  always  dining  out,  and  enjoying  yourself,  while  I  am 
compelled  to  stay  at  home  and  eat  with  the  children.  I 
can't  remember  the  time  when  I  have  been  asked  out  to 
dine.  I  wish  to  gracious  somebody  —  I  don't  know  who  — 
would  invite  me  to  dinner.  You  have  often  promised  me 
that  I  should  dine  at  the  Brevoort  House  with  you,  but  you 
have  rjever  taken  me  there." 

"  Simply,  my  dear,"  I  answered,  "  because  it  has  never 
been  convenient.  Some  day  or  other,  when  you  are  down 
town,  and  wish  to  go  to  a  place  of  amusement  in  the  even 
ing,  instead  of  going  all  the  way  home  to  dinner,"  (for  we 
live  near  the  Central  Park,)  "  we  will  have  a  cosy  little 
meal  at  the  Brevoort." 

"  You  have  said  that  so  many  times,  1  scarcely  think  it 
worth  while  to  place  any  confidence  in  it  again,"  my  wife 
said,  submissively.  "  But  who  are  you  going  to  dine  with 
to-day?" 

"  With  a  few  artist  friends." 

"  Well,  I  hope  you  will  have  a  nice  time,"  said  my  wife  ; 
"  but  just  think  of  me  at  home,  surrounded  by  noisy  chil 
dren,  while  you  are  feasting  with  your  friends." 

"  I  will,  indeed,"  I  replied  ;  "  and  more  than  that,  we  will 
drink  your  health  in  a  bumper  of  champagne." 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  29 

"  I  don't  think  your  doing  so,"  she  answered,  "  will  im 
prove  my  health  in  the  least.  The  fact  is,  I  look  upon  your 
dining  out  about  once  a  week,  as  you  do,  as  an  imposition 
on  me.  And  I  am  a  very  foolish  woman  to  submit  to  it." 

"  You  would  certainly  be  a  much  more  foolish  woman,"  I 
said,  "  if  you  failed  to  submit  to  it  with  a  good  grace.  Din 
ing  out  occasionally,  my  dear,  with  my  bachelor  friends,  is 
about  the  only  event  in  my  married  life  which  serves  to 
recall  the  days  when  I  lived  a  roving,  careless  existence, 
and  was  free  from  the  trammels  and  annoyances  of  matri 
mony." 

"  If  you  feel  trammelled,"  responded  my  wife,  "  what  do 
you  think  of  me,  who  am  chained,  day  after  day,  and  week 
after  week,  to  the  house,  with  such  unyielding  links  as  these 
children." 

"It  is  your  own  fault,"  I  said,  "that  you  do  not  go  out 
more." 

"  But  what  would  become  of  the  children  if  I  went  abroad, 
making  calls,  and  shopping  in  Broadway,  as  some  ladies, 
whom  I  know,  do  ?  "  asked  my  wife. 

"  Oh,  never  mind  the  children ;  let  them  go ;  they  will 
do  well  enough,"  I  replied.  "  You  need  not  forever  be  at 
tending  to  them,  —  they  are  old  enough  to  take  care  of 
themselves ;  besides,  Katy  is  here  to  watch  them." 

"  Now,  I  think  it  is  too  bad  for  you  to  talk  as  you  do ; 
you  give  me  no  credit  for  staying  at  home  and  seeing  to 
the  children.  I  presume  you  would  notice  a  difference  in 
their  appearance  and  behavior  if  it  were  not  for  me. 
Whose  hands  but  mine,  I  should  like  to  know,  sew  the 
buttons  on,  and  repair  the  rents  in  that  boy's  jackets? 
Who  sees  that  his  face  and  hands  are  kept  clean  but  me  ?  " 

"  Why,  Katy,  of  course,"  I  responded. 

"  Of  course,  it  is  n't  Katy,"  she  replied ;  "  if  it  were  left 
to  her,  the  boy  would  seldom  be  clean.  No,  indeed,  it  is  I 
who  have  to  say  a  dozen  times  a  day,  '  Katy,  those  children 
require  washing ; '  or,  '  Katy,  see  what  mischief  those  little 


30  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

ones  are  in  now,  for  they  are  so  quiet  I  know  they  must  be 
doing  something  wrong.'  That  is  just  the  way  I  have  it 
every  day,  and  I  do  think  it  is  too  bad.  My  life  is  actually 
wearing  out  in  attending  to  those  children,  and  all  the  sym 
pathy  and  satisfaction  I  get  from  you,  when  I  speak  of  my 
cares,  is,  '  Never  mind  ;  let  them  go.' " 

"  Well,  if  you  will  persist,  my  dear,"  I  replied,  "  in  stay 
ing  at  home  and  making  a  servant  of  yourself,  I  don't 
know  what  I  can  do  to  relieve  you.  Now,  I  have  an  idea 
about  children,  which  is,  that  the  more  you  do  for  them  the 
more  they  expect  you  to  do.  Never  argue  with  a  child  or 
a  woman.  Whip  the  one  and  leave  the  other." 

"  Which  would  you  whip,  my  dear,"  asked  my  wife,  sar 
castically,  "  the  child  or  the  woman  ?  " 

I  deigned  no  answer  to  this,  but  continued,  — 

"  When  two  children  are  playing,  and  one  gets  hurt,  or 
are  quarrelling,  and  one  makes  the  other  cry,  whip  them 
both,  and,  my  word  for  it,  they  will  not  often  hurt  each 
other,  or  quarrel.  In  my  little  theory  relating  to  domestic 
government,  this  rule  plays  an  important  part,  and  if  you 
would  only  adopt  it,  you  would  find  time  in  which  to  go  out 
more,  and  also  have  less  troublesome  children  around  you." 

"  They  must  have  a  different  father,  then,  my  dear,"  my 
wife  said,  maliciously,  "  than  you ;  for  these  children  all 
came  honestly  by  their  irritable  and  mischievous  disposi 
tions." 

"  Now  you  want  to  vex  me,"  I  said,  "  by  pretending  to 
misunderstand  me,  and  putting  a  false  construction  upon 
my  words.  If  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than 
another,  it  is  equivocation." 

"  Well,  never  mind  about  it  now,"  said  my  wife,  anxious 
to  change  the  subject  of  our  conversation.  "  What  time  do 
you  suppose  you  will  come  home  this  evening  ?  " 

"  Oh,  after  dinner,"  I  replied. 

"  Of  course  ;  but  how  long  after  ?  " 

«  Why  —  I  can't  tell  exactly." 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  31 

«  Will  it  be  by  nine  o'clock?" 

«  Well  —  yes  ;  I  think  so." 

"Now,  I  know  better,  my  dear,"  she  said.  "I  see 
plainly,  by  your  manner  of  answering  me,  that  you  have 
no  intention  of  coming  home  before  eleven  or  twelve 
o'clock.  I  am  certain  it  is  your  purpose,  after  dinner, 
to  go  to  a  place  of  amusement.  I  should  think  it  would 
be  enough  for  you  to  dine  away  from  your  wife,  and  not 
leave  her  alone,  with  only  her  sad  thoughts,  all  the  even 
ing.  You  men  don't  consider  that  we  poor  wives  find 
no  enjoyment  in  sitting  up  till  midnight  waiting  for  truant 
husbands,  who  have  been  feasting  at  dinner-parties,  to  come 
home,  when  oftentimes  we  are  wearied  and  careworn  with 
the  day's  household  duties.  No,  you  partake  of  the  six  or 
eight  dinner-courses  provided,  to  say  nothing  of  the  costly 
wines,  and  then  either  while  away  the  evening  smoking 
and  telling  stories,  or  go  to  the  theatre  or  opera." 

"  But,  my  dear,"  I  said,  unable  to  endure  this  tirade  any 
longer,  "I  tell  you  positively  I  shall  be  home  by  nine 
o'clock." 

"  Why  remain  out  so  late  even  as  that  ?  Why  not  be 
home  by  seven  ?  " 

"  For  the  very  good  reason  that  as  the  dinner  hour  named 
is  six  o'clock,  I  shall  scarcely  be  through  with  my  plate  of 
fish  when  seven  comes." 

"  Oh,  I  see  how  it  is,"  my  wife  said ;  "  you  are  deter 
mined  to  leave  me  alone  all  the  evening.  If,  when  you 
come  home,  you  find  cousin  Harry  here,  turning  the  sheets 
of  music  for  me  while  I  sing,  you  need  not  be  surprised." 

"  And  if  you  should  hear,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  that  I  went 
to  the  opera  this  evening  with  Musidora,  you  need  not  be 
surprised." 

"I  sincerely  trust,"  said  my  wife,  mischievously,  "that 
you  will  be  able  to  escort  Musidora  after  dinner." 

"  Now,  then,"  I  exclaimed,  "  this  is  too  bad.  You  do  all 
you  can  to  provoke  me.  The  idea  of  a  wife  insinuating 


32  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

that  her  husband  is  n't  as  capable  after  dinner  as  before  of 
taking  care  of  himself,  is  what  I  don't  wish  to  submit  to. 

o  7 

It 's  preposterous  !  It 's  naughty ! "  I  exclaimed,  assuming 
an  indignation  I  did  not  really  feel. 

"  But,  my  dear,"  said  my  wife,  submissively,  tears  filling 
her  eyes,  "  I  was  only  joking,  you  know.  Of  course  I  did  n't 
mean  it." 

"  You  should  not  joke,  though,"  I  said,  smiling  at  the  feel 
ing  she  manifested,  "  on  such  a  subject ;  besides,  if  there 
be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  a  joke  of 
this  character." 

Then,  rising  from  the  table,  I  went  to  her,  wiped  the 
tears  from  her  cheeks,  kissed  her,  and  whispered  that  I 
certainly  would  be  home  at  nine  o'clock.  And  I  fulfilled 
my  promise. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  33 


SEVENTH  INFELICITY. 

MY   WIFE   WANTS    MONEY. 

HAD  almost  forgotten  to  ask  you,"  my  \vile  said,  in 
her  most  amiable  tone,  as  I  drew  on  my  gloves  pre 
paratory  to  going  down-town,  "  for  some  money." 

"  Almost !  "  I  exclaimed ;  "  it  would  be  very  difficult  to 
make  me  believe  that,  for  I  have  seen  '  money '  in  your 
eyes,  and  on  the  tip  of  your  tongue,  for  the  last  hour.  But 
why  you  did  n't  ask  for  it  before  I  put  on  my  gloves,  I 
can't  imagine.  If  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than 
another,  it  is  to  be  asked  for  money  after  I  get  on  my 
gloves." 

"  Then  why,  if  you  saw  so  clearly  that  I  wanted  some, 
did  you  not  offer  it  to  me  ?  "  asked  my  wife.  "  The  truth 
is,  I  dislike  very  much  to  ask  you  for  money,  and  I  often 
go  without  any  rather  than  speak  a  word  to  you  on  the  sub 
ject." 

"  Why  did  n't  you  do  so  to-day  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  Because  to-day,"  she  replied,  "  it  is  very  necessary  for 
me  to  have  some.  Not  only  have  I  the  gas-bill,  to  pay,  — 
which  is  larger  than  it  was  even  in  December,  —  but  I 
have  to  purchase  some  spring  dresses  for  the  children." 

"  Oh,  never  mind  the  children's  dresses,"  I  answered ; 
"let  them  go.  But  what  makes  the  gas-bill  so  high  this 
month  ?  " 

"  I  am  certain  I  do  not  know,"  my  wife  replied  ;  "  though, 
to  be  sure,  we  have  had  considerable  company  lately,  and 
you  have  been  up  late  at  night  writing." 

"  Pshaw  ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  that  won't  account  for  it.  I 
3 


34  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

believe  the  servants  burn  it  all  night ;  and  if  they  do,  it  is 
your  fault." 

"  I  do  not  think,  my  dear,  that  the  servants  are  at  all 
wasteful  of  it." 

"  Then  there  is  something  the  matter  with  the  con 
founded  meter,"  I  said.  "  Can't  the  children  get  at  it,  and 
set  the  register  ahead  in  some  way  ?  " 

My  wife  laughed. 

"  Oh,  you  need  n't  laugh,"  I  continued  ;  "  it's  a  probable 
thing,  as  they  are  given  to  all  kinds  of  mischief.  I  '11  tell 
you  what  I  will  do.  I  '11  go  directly  down  to  the  company's 
office,  and  enter  a  complaint  about  the  meter."  And  I  put 
on  my  hat  resolutely,  and  opened  the  door  to  depart. 

"  But  you  are  not  going  without  leaving  me  some  money, 
I  hope,"  she  said. 

"  There  it  is  again  !  "  I  exclaimed  ;  "  money  !  money  ! 
it  is  always  money  with  you  women.  Well,  how  much  do 
you  want?  Come,  don't  keep  me  standing  here  forever, 
when  you  know  I  am  in  a  hurry." 

"  Can  you  spare  me  twenty  dollars  ?  "  she  asked. 

"  No  !  "  I  answered. 

"  Fifteen,  then  ?  "  she  suggested. 

"  Scarcely,"  I  replied ;  "  but  there  are  twelve  ;  and,  now, 
don't  ask  me  for  money  again  in  a  week." 

"  But  what  shall  I  do  about  the  children's  spring  cloth 
ing  ?  "  she  inquired  ;  "  after  paying  the  gas-bill,  I  shall  not 
have  any  great  amount  left." 

"I  don't  know,. nor  I  don't  care  what  you'll  do,''  I  re 
plied.  "  The  fact  is,  the  children  are  well  enough  di  essed. 
I  don't  approve  of  arraying  them  in  velvets  and  laces." 

"  Fifteen  or  twenty  dollars,"  she  answered,  smiling, 
"  would  scarcely  be  sufficient  for  the  purchase  of  any  quan 
tity  of  velvets  and  laces.  No  !  all  that  I  want  is  to  have 
the  children  appear  clean  and  respectable.  I  can't  abide 
to  see  them  in  soiled  and  faded  clothes." 

"  But  they  look  well  enough  to  me,"  I  said.     "  I  don't 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  35 

see  why  their  present  clothes  are  not  good  enough  for  them 
to  play  around  in,  as  they  do  ;  nor  why  it 's  necessary  to  buy 
them  anything  new." 

"  If  you  had  to  attend  to  the  mending  of  their  clothes, 
as  I  do,  you  would  n't  ask  me  why  I  wanted  to  get  them 
new  ones." 

"  Well,  well,"  I  said,  "  here  are  ten  dollars  more  ;  but 
don't,  for  goodness'  sake,  ask  me  for  money  again  untir'  — 

"  Until,"  interrupted  my  wife,  smiling,  "  I  want  a  new 
bonnet  —  which  will  be  next  week." 

"  My  dear,"  I  said,  impressively,  "  don't  speak  to  me  of 
bonnets.  If  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  an 
other,  it  is  to  hear  about  a  new  bonnet." 

"But  I  am  very  economical  as  regards  bonnets,  you 
know,  my  dear,"  she  said.  "  I  only  have  four  a  year, 
whereas  most  ladies  have  a  dozen." 

"  A  dozen  !  "  I  exclaimed,  astonished ;  "  why  that  is 
equal  to  one  a  month.  It  is  preposterous.  Does  your 
milliner  have  many  such  customers  ?  " 

"  Oh,  yes ;  Miss  Modiste  assures  me  that  there  are  some 
of  her  purchasers  who  get  a  new  bonnet  every  month." 

"•  I  am  very  thankful,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  that  you  are 
not  one ;  but,  it  appears  to  me,  that  four  hats  a  year  are 
more  than  you  can  afford  to  have,  especially  in  such  hard 
times  as  these  are,  when  every  one  should  study  economy. 
Don't  you  think  you  can  get  along  with  two  a  year  ?  " 

"  I  really  don't  see  how  it  would  be  possible,"  she  re 
plied  ;  "  because  every  three  months  the  fashions  change 
and  I  wouldn't,  you  know,  like  to  be  out  of  the  fashion." 

"  Well,  the  fact  is,  my  dear,"  I  replied,  "  that  we  must 
economize  somewhere ;  and  I  think  we  can  best  dispense 
with  new  bonnets.  As  for  being  in  the  fashion,  it  is  all 
nonsense.  If  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than 
another,  it  is  seeing  you  forever  studying  a  fashion-plate." 

"I  am  not  forever  studying  a  fashion-plate,"  my  wife 
answered,  with  spirit ;  "  it  is  rarely,  indeed,  that  I  see  one. 


36  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

If  you  want  to  economize,  why  don't  you  stop  smoking, 
and  leave  off  drinking  wine  ?  You  men  are  always  accus 
ing  us  of  being  extravagant,  and  spending  our  time  before 
the  mirror ;  but  in  my  opinion,  and  in  that  of  all  the  think 
ing  portion  of  my  sex,  too,  we  are  seldom  as  extravagant 
or  as  vain  as  your  sex.  You  '11  spend  almost  as  much  for 
one  dinner,  down-town,  as  would  suffice  to  feed  your  whole 
family  well  for  a  week.  As  for  vanity,  I  have  never  seen 
the  greatest  of  coquettes  stand  longer  before  a  mirror  than 
I  have  you  when  engaged  in  tying  an  elaborate  knot  in 
your  cravat." 

"  Good  gracious  !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  what  an  inventive  fac 
ulty  you  possess !  It  is  a  wonder  to  me  you  have  never 
essayed  to  write  a  romance.  In  the  first  place,  I  don't 
wear  a  cravat,  —  it  is  simply  a  scarf ;  and  in  the  next 
place.  I  don't  tie  it,  but  fasten  it  with  a  gold  pin." 

"  Well,  then,  all  I  can  say  is,"  said  my  Avife,  "  that  you 
spend  an  unnecessary  amount  of  time  before  the  glass  in 
pinning  your  scarf." 

"  You  certainly  would  provoke  the  best  man  living  !  "  I 
exclaimed  ;  "  and  just  now,  when  I  have  given  you  twenty- 
five  dollars  to  buy  knickknacks  with,  I  should  n't  think 
you  'd  want  to  vex  me." 

"  You  only  gave  me  twenty-two  dollars,  any  way,"  the 
excellent  woman  answered,  "  and  part  of  that  is  to  pay  the 
gas-bill,  and  with  the  rest  I  must  purchase  clothing  for  the 
little  ones.  I  am  sure  I  don't  know  what  you  mean  by 
'  knickknacks.' " 

"  I  am  sure  I  'm  not  particular  whether  you  do  or  not," 

replied  ;  "  I  've  said  it,  and  I  '11  hold  to  it  —  knickknacks 
—  now,  then." 

"  I  '11  take  five  dollars  more  before  you  go,  my  dear," 
my  wife  said,  yielding  no  attention  to  my  last  remark.  "  I 
had  almost  forgotten  that  I  had  promised  to  pay  the  milk 
man  his  bill  to-day." 

"  There  it  is  again,"  I  exclaimed  ;  "  money  !  money  !  This 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  37 

is  the  third  time  I  have  been  obliged  this  morning  to  take 
off  my  gloves  so  as  to  give  you  money.  If  I  remain  here 
much  longer  I  shall  not  have  change  enough  left  to  ride 
down-town  with.  Here  are  five  dollars  ;  take  them,  and 
don't  ask  for  any  more.  Good-bye !  my  dear." 

"  Good-bye ! "  she  replied.  "Oh,  dearest,"  calling  me  back, 
"  I  wish  you  would  stop  at  Miss  Modiste's,  select  a  hand 
some  bonnet  for  me,  pay  for  it,  and  have  her  send  it  up." 

"  Perhaps  so,"  I  answered. 

"  Now,  do,"  she  said,  coaxingly ;  "  and,  dearest,  come 
home  early,  for  I  shall  have  a  nice  dinner  for  you.  Don't 
forget  the  bonnet  for  me,  though,"  she  added,  as  I  went  out 
of  the  door. 

"  What  a  woman  ! "  I  said  to  myself,  as  I  stood  at  the 
corner  of  the  street,  waiting  for  an  omnibus  to  come  by ; 
"  not  contented  with  robbing  me  of  all  my  money,  she 
wants  me  to  get  her  a  bonnet.  If  I  select  one,  it  won't 
suit  her ;  — but  I  '11  do  it,  although  if  there  be  one  thing  I 
dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  choose  a  bonnet  for  my 
wife." 


38  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 


EIGHTH   INFELICITY. 

AFTER    MIDNIGHT. 

[0  you  hear  that  child  cough,  my  dear?"  I  asked 
the  mother  of  my  children,  as  I  raised  myself  on 
one  elbow  in  bed,  and  listened. 

"  No,"  she  said,  awaking  from  her  sleep,  "  I  do  not." 

"  Then  you  must  be  deaf,"  I  cried.     "  Hark  !  " 

The  interesting  woman  lifted  her  head  from  the  pillow, 
untied  the  strings  of  her  bonnet  de  nuit,  brushed  back  a 
lock  of  hair  from  her  right  ear,  and  listened  attentively. 

"  There,"  I  said,  as  a  harsh,  discordant  sound  broke  the 
silence,  "  do  you  hear  it  now  ?  " 

"  I  hear  a  singular  noise,"  she  replied,  "  but  it  is  not  a 
cough." 

"  Then  I  should  like  to  know  what  it  is,"  I  exclaimed. 

"  I  am  sure  I  cannot  tell,"  she  replied ;  "  but  it  is  n't  a 
cough,  that  is  very  certain." 

"  I  'm  not  so  certain,  however,"  I  said. 

"  I  can't  help  it,"  she  answered ;  "  I  am  a  mother,  and 
am  presumed  to  know  the  sound  of  a  child's  cough  when 
I  hear  one." 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  I  am  a  father,  I  suppose,  and  I  don' 
see  why  I  can't  tell  a  cough  when  I  hear  it.  Listen  ! " 

"  My  dear,"  and  my  wife  grasped  my  arm  nervously,  as 
she  spoke,  "it  proceeds  from  some  one  trying  to  get  into 
the  house.  That  noise  comes  from  a  file !  " 

"  Nonsense  !  "  I  replied ;  "  burglars  would  n't  think  of 
breaking  in  here." 

"  Hark ! "  she  cried  ;  "  I  hear  some  one  on  the  stairs." 

We  both  sat  up  in  bed,  with  our  eyes  fixed  upon  the 


MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES.  39 

door.  Again  were  heard  the  hard,  harsh  notes  that  first 
aroused  me.  There  was  no  mistaking  the  sound  this  time, 
and  my  wife  said,  — 

"  It  is  the  little  boy ;  he  was  out  too  much  to-day,  and 
though  I  tried  hard  to  do  so,  I  could  n't  keep  him  in." 

The  door  opened  at  this  moment,  and  Katy  entered. 

"  Oh,  ma'am,  the  little  boy  coughs  so,  and  I  don't  know 
what  to  give  him.  I  think  he  has  the  croup,  ma'am." 

"  Go  back  to  the  nursery  immediately,"  my  wife  said 
"  and  I  will  be  there  in  a  minute." 

My  wife  rose,  went  to  the  closet,  selected  the  proper 
remedies,  and  opened  the  door  to  depart. 

"  Well,"  she  asked,  turning  to  me,  "  are  you  not  going 
with  me  ?  " 

"  What  good  can  I  do  ?  "  I  replied.  "  I  don't  see  why  I 
should  get  up  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  and  go  trotting 
around  the  house  because  you  do.  If  I  could  be  of  any 
possible  service,  I  would  go,  of  course." 

"  Well,  it  would  only  look  fatherly  in  you  to  do  it,"  she 
answered.  "  Will  you  go  ?  " 

"  My  dear,"  I  said,  "  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more 
than  another,  it  is  to  gel  up  in  the  middle  of  the  night. 
I  '11  go  if  it  be  necessary  ;  but  don't  you  wait  for  me,  for  it 
will  take  me  some  time  to  dress,  and  the  little  fellow  needs 
you  there  at  once." 

My  wife  departed. 

I  laid  down,  deciding  to  remain  where  I  was,  rather 
than  go  where  I  knew  I  should  be  in  the  way.  Ten 
minutes  passed,  during  which  time  the  little  boy  coughed 
occasionally,  but  each  time  it  was  looser  and  more  natural. 
Then,  satisfied  that  he  was  improving  under  his  mother's 
treatment,  I  resolved  to  go  to  sleep.  Scarcely  were  my 
eyes  closed,  when  Katy  tapped  at  the  door. 

"  Come  in,"  I  cried. 

"The  mistress  would  like  to  have  you  come  to  the 
nursery  to  see  the  little  boy." 


40  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  How  is  he  ?  "  I  asked.     "  Is  he  awake  or  asleep  ? ' 

"Oh,  he  is  just  sleeping  nicely,  and  he  looks  so  puity, 
the  mistress  thought  you  'd  like  to  see  him." 

"  Not  to-night,  Katy.  Tell  your  mistress  I  '11  see  him  in 
the  morning." 

Then  I  turned  over  and  closed  my  eyes  again.  I  had 
gone  a  little  distance  into  the  land  of  Nod,  when  my  wife 
touched  me  on  the  shoulder. 

"  You  are  a  humane,  affectionate  father,  are  n't  you  ?  "  she 
said,  regarding  me  with  a  severe  look. 

"I  don't  know  anything  to  the  contrary,"  I  replied. 
"  Do  you  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I  do,"  she  answered.  "  And  I  must  say  I  think 
your  conduct  to-night  was  atrocious.  Not  only  did  you  let 
me  go  alone  to  the  nursery,  but  when  I  sent  for  you  to 
come  and  see  the  little  boy,  who,  for  aught  you  knew,  was 
dying,  you  refused.  You  men  are  just  as  cruel  and  hard 
hearted  as  you  can  be.  We  women  must  get  up  in  the 
night  and  attend  to  the  children  if  they  be  sick,  while  you 
sleep  as  soundly  as  if  there  were  no  cares  in  the  world." 

"But,  my  dear,"  I  answered,  "I  was  very  weary,  and 
wanted  to  sleep." 

"  So  did  I,"  she  replied ;  "  but  no,  I  had  to  keep  awake. 
If  I  had  n't,  I  don't  know  where  that  dear  little  boy  would 
have  been  by  this  time.  It  is  n't  owing  to  you  that  he  is 
now  alive." 

"  Well,  I  should  just  like  to  know,"  I  said,  maliciously, 
'  to  whom  it  is  owing,  if  not  to  me  ?  " 

O7 

"Well,  I  will  tell  you,"  said  my  wife;  "it  is  to  me 
and  "  — 

"  Who  ?  "  I  asked,  raising  myself  on  one  elbow,  and  re 
garding  her  closely,  as  she  paused  a  moment  before  utter 
ing  the  final  name. 

"  Katy,  to  be  sure,"  she  continued.  "  Were  n't  we 
obliged,  I  should  like  to  know,  to  soak  the  little  fellow's 
feet,  and  rub  sweet  oil  upon  his  chest,  ard  put  flannels, 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  4] 

dipped  into  hot  vinegar  and  pepper,  around  his  throat,  and 
coax  him  to  take  medicine  ?  " 

"  Oh !  "  I  exclaimed,  as  I  sunk  down  among  the  pillows, 
"  I  thought "  - 

"  Never  mind  what  you  thought,"  my  wife  interposed. 
"  The  truth  is,  you  only  think  of  your  own  ease  and  com 
fort,  and  never  care  whether  I  enjoy  myself  or  not." 

"  My  dear,"  I  said,  "  you  must  excuse  me,  but  I  wish  to 
go  to  sleep.  I  will  hear  the  remainder  of  what  you  have 
to  say  in  the  morning ;  because  if  there  be  one  thing  I 
dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  listen  to  a  curtain-lecture 
at  night." 

"  For  a  married  man  of  your  experience,"  she  said,  "  it 
seems  to  me  you  are  vastly  particular.  Now  it  appears  to 
me  that  if  I  wished  to  lecture  you  —  which,  thank  fortune, 
I  do  not  —  that  the  present  time  would  be  the  most  appro 
priate,  and  also  the  least  liable  to  interruption.  You  can 
not  say,  though,  that  I  have  ever  condescended  to  lecture 
you.  I  trust  I  have  more  respect  for  my  husband  than  to 
utter  a  word  to  him  which  would  have  the  effect  of  lower 
ing  him  in  my  own  estimation.  I  do  think,  however,  that 
you  sometimes  deserve  a  reprimand,  although  you  do  not 
get  it." 

"  Will  you  oblige  me,  my  love,"  I  said,  tenderly,  "  by  go 
ing  to  sleep  ?  " 

"  Certainly,"  she  answered. 

There  was  a  silence  for  three  minutes  and  a  half.  I 
sunk  into  a  dose.  My  wife  startled  me  by  exclaiming,  — 

"  I  do  think  you  treat  me  too  badly.  I  am  not  allowed 
to  express  an  opinion  of  my  own,  and  when  I  try  to  speak 
you  endeavor  to  stop  me  by  telling  me  to  go  to  sleep.  It 
was  not  so  once.  I  have  seen  the  time  when  you  were 
only  too  glad  to  listen  to  whatever  I  had  to  say,  and  would 
willingly  sit  up  all  night,  to  hear  me  talk,  if  I  would  only 
let  you.  I  don't  understand  why  you  men  change  so  after 
marriage.  I'm  certain  I  have  not  altered  in  the  least. 


42  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

What  I  was,  in  disposition  and  feelings,  when  a  girl,  I  am 
now;  but  no  one  would  recognize  you  for  the  amiable, 
smooth-spoken  young  man  of —  how  many  years  ago  were 
we  married  ?  " 

"  I  am  sure  I  don't  know,  and,  what  is  more,  I  don't 
care,"  I  replied.  "  Now  will  you  be  quiet,  and  let  me  go 
to  sleep  or  not  ?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,  go  to  sleep  if  you  want  to,"  she  answered ; 
and  another  brief  silence  ensued,  broken  by  my  wife  sob- 
bingly  exclaiming,  — 

"  Only  fifteen  years  next  June  since  we  were  married, 
and  to  hear  you  say  now  that  you  don't  know  nor  care 
when  it  took  place,  is  perfectly  horrible,  and  something  I 
never  expected  to  hear  from  your  lips." 

*'  Well,  now  that  you  have  heard  it,"  I  exclaimed,  "  I 
trust  you  will  be  able  to  go  to  sleep,  for  I  tell  you  posi 
tively  that  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than 
another,  it  is  to  hear  you  talk  after  midnight." 

Having  uttered  this,  I  drew  the  bedclothes  closer  about 
me,  shut  my  eyes  firmly,  and  went  to  sleep  —  almost. 

"  Husband !  "  somebody  said  close  by  me. 

"  Well,  wife,  what  is  it  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  I  did  n't  mean  everything  I  said  to  you  to-night,"  she 
continued. 

"  Nor  I,"  I  added,  "  everything  I  said  to  you.  Good 
night ! " 

"  Are  you  sleepy  ?  "  she  inquired. 

"  Yes  ;  good  night !  "  I  replied. 

"  Good  night ! "  she  answered. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  43 


NINTH  INFELICITY. 

HOUSE-CLEANING. 

a  confounded  state  of  disorder  this  house  is 
in,"  I  said  to  my  wife,  on  coming  home  from  busi 
ness  the  other  afternoon  ;  "  if  I  did  n't  know  bet 
ter,  I  should  think  we  were  going  to  move.  Pray,  tell  me 
what  are  you  about  ?  " 

"  I  am  about  to  clean  house,  my  dear,"  my  wife  replied. 

"  You  look  as  if  you  were  about  to  become  an  inmate  of 
an  insane  asylum,"  I  answered  ;  for  my  wife  was  shockingly 
attired  in  a  dressing-gown  that  had  seen  better  days  and 
many  house-cleanings.  She  carried  a  long-handled  feather 
duster  in  her  hand,  and  had  a  cap  on  her  head. 

"  Oh,  you  may  sneer  at  me  as  much  as  you  please,"  she 
said ;  "  but  I  presume  you  would  find  a  difference  in  the 
appearance  of  the  house  if  it  were  not  that  I  superintended 
the  cleanings." 

"  What  possible  good  is  accomplished,"  I  asked,  "  by 
turning  the  house  upside  down  in  this  manner  ?  For  my 
part,  I  never  could  see  that  you  improve  its  appearance  in 
the  least  by  doing  so  ;  it  is  simply  a  confounded  bore,  and 
I  have  come  to  the  opinion  that  if  there  be  one  thing  I 
dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  house-cleaning." 

;'  One  thing  is  very  certain,"  she  replied,  "  which  is,  that 
you  men  know  nothing  about  it.  Look  at  that  cobweb  in 
lie  corner  there  ! " 

And  my  wife  made  an  attack  with  the  long-handled 
feather  duster  upon  an  inoffensive  little  cobweb,  that  I 
thought  rather  ornamental  than  otherwise. 

o 

"  Now,  don't  you  think,"  I  said,  "  that  if  you  were  to 


44  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

clean  one  room  at  a  time,  that  it  would  be  a  great  deal  bet 
ter  than  throwing  the  entire  house  into  confusion  at  once  ? 
Devote  one  week,  for  instance,  to  the  cleaning  of  the  par 
lors,  another  to  the  dining-room,  and  so  on.  That  is  my 
plan." 

"  At  that  rate,  house-cleaning  would  last  through  an 
entire  year,  and  I,  for  one,  am  not  disposed  to  adopt  your 
plan.  No,  I  want  to  put  it  all  into  as  small  a  space  as 
possible,  and  get  through  with  it  as  speedily  as  I  can.  If 
I  were  to  follow  your  suggestion,  the  dust  and  dirt  raised 
in  cleaning  one  room  would  be  sure  to  settle,  or  in  some 
way  get  into  another  room  just  put  to  rights,  and  the  re 
sult  would  be  that  house-cleaning  would  never  end.  No  ; 
everything  must  be  done  at  once." 

"  Well,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  I  '11  not  attempt  to  argue  the 
matter  with  you,  for  I  know  it  would  be  a  very  useless 
task;  but  I  must  say  that  my  mother,  who  understood 
these  things,  used  to  "  — 

"  Of  course,"  my  wife  interrupted,  "  your  mother  did 
very  differently  from  what  I  do.  She  was  differently  situ 
ated,  and  could  do  as  she  pleased.  A  widow,  left  as  your 
mother  was,  could  have  her  own  way  in  a  great  many  mat 
ters  which  we  poor  wives  cannot  follow.  I  know  your 
mother  was  a  very  remarkable  woman ;  but  I  trust  that  I 
do  my  duty  to  you  and  my  children  and  my  house,  as  well 
as  I  know  how.  I  don't,"  continued  my  wife,  putting  the 
end  of  the  handle  of  the  feather  duster  into  the  corner 
of  her  eye,  and  brushing  out  an  imaginary  tear,  "  think  it 
fair,  or  honorable,  or  generous,  or  husbandlike  in  you  to  be 
always  telling  me  how  much  better  your  mother  kept  house 
than  I  do.  I  wish  to  gracious  you  had  married  your 
mother." 

"  Pooh  !  pooh !  "  I  exclaimed  ;  "  you  know  that  would  n't 
have  been  proper.  I  might  have  married  your  mother, 
though,  which  would  have  been  as  near  as  I  could  come  to 
gratifying  your  wish." 

My  wife  smiled. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  45 

"  My  mother  would  n't  have  had  you,  sir,"  she  said. 

"  She  would  not  have  shown  as  good  taste,  then,  as  her 
daughter  did,"  I  replied. 

"  Her  daughter  sometimes  regrets  the  ( good  taste '  she 
showed,"  my  wife  said,  mischievously. 

"  I  think  you  are  mistaken,  my  dear,"  I  answered  ;  "  but 
I  am  ready  to  waive  the  question,  provided  you  will  tell  me 
when  dinner  will  be  ready.  It  is  six  o'clock,  and  as  yet  I 
see  no  signs  of  it." 

"  I  thought  I  told  you,  before  you  went  away  this  morn 
ing,"  my  wife  made  answer,  "that  you  would  have  to  get 
your  dinner  down-town,  for  that  we  should  have  none." 

"  You  did  say  so,"  I  replied ;  "  but  I  supposed  it  was 
simply  a  hint  for  me  to  send  home  something  from  the 
market,  which  I  did." 

"  I  know  you  did  —  enough  to  feed  the  aldermen  and 
their  assistants  with.  How  did  you  think  it  could  be 
cooked  when  we  were  cleaning  house  ? " 

"  I  did  n't  know  you  were  going  to  clean  house,"  I  said. 
"  I  wish  to  gracious  I  had ;  I  would  n't  have  come  home  till 
midnight." 

"  Yes,  and  left  your  poor  wife  here  in  the  dust  and  dis 
order,  while  you  were  feasting  and  enjoying  yourself.  I 
am  glad,  now,  you  have  not  been  to  dinner,  for  you  can  see 
what  I  have  to  put  up  with !  —  how  I  have  to  get  along, 
and  how  uncomfortable,  even  to  me,  house-cleaning  is." 

"  I  presume  it  is,  my  dear,"  I  said,  in  a  mollified  tone  of 
voice,  for  I  was  desirous  of  having  my  dinner,  and  did  not 
care  to  provoke  my  wife  ;  "  and  I  am  very  sorry  that  you 
deem  it  necessary  to  engage  in  it.  Why  don't  you  sit 
down  quietly,  and  let  the  servants  do  the  work.  I  don't 
think  it  necessary  for  you  to  lift  a  finger  to  it." 

"  Nicely  the  house  would  be  cleaned,  indeed,"  she  replied, 
"  if  I  did  not.  You  men  know  nothing  about  it,  and  I 
just  wish  you  would  n't  speak  another  word  on  the  subject." 

"Very  well,  let  me  have  some  dinner,"  I  replied,  "to 


46  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

put  into  my  mouth,  and  I  will  not.  If  there  be  one  thing 
I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  going  without  my  din 
ner." 

"  I  am  sure  I  don't  know,"  said  my  wife,  "  what  you  will 
have  to  eat,  for  it  is  utterly  impossible  for  me,  or  either 
of  the  servants,  to  stop  work  at  present  to  cook  anything." 

"  Oh,  anything  will  answer,"  I  said ;  "  a  piece  of  cold 
meat-pie,  or  a  slice  of  boiled  ham,  for  instance.  That,  to 
gether  with  an  apple-tart  and  a  glass  of  wine,  I  think,  will 
suffice.  Let  one  of  the  servants  set  the  table  in  the  library, 
and  then  send  the  things  up,  if  you  please." 

My  wife  laughed. 

"  If  you  think,"  she  said,  "  that  we  have  any  meat-pie  or 
boiled  ham  in  the  house,  you  are  greatly  mistaken." 

"  Why,  we  had  some  yesterday,"  I  answered.  "  Where 
has  it  gone  to  ?  " 

"  Gone  to  ?  "  echoed  my  wife.  "  Don't  you  suppose  the 
children  and  servants  must  eat  ?  " 

"  Why,  yes,  certainly,"  I  answered  ;  "  but "  — 

"  But  what  ?  "  interrupted  my  wife.  "  You  don't  think  a 
meat-pie  will  last  forever,  I  trust  ?  " 

"  No,"  I  answered  ;  "  but  my  mother,  at  house-cleaning 
time,  always  had  a  meat-pie  and  boiled  ham  in  the  cup 
board." 

"  There  it  is  again,"  exclaimed  my  wife ;  "  you  are  al 
ways  comparing  my  housekeeping  with  your  mother's,  and 
I  don't  like  it  I  endeavor  to  do  the  best  I  can,  and  if  I 
fail  to  have  a  meat-pie  and  a  boiled  ham  in  the  house 
whenever  you  ask  for  them,  I  am  certain  to  have  your 
mother's  ways  cast  into  my  face.  I  don't  do  things  as  your 
mother  did,  I  know,  and,  what  is  more,  I  don't  intend  to. 
If  you  are  not  satisfied  with  my  manner  of  keeping  house, 
why,  you  had  better  hire  a  housekeeper  who  will  suit  you 
better.  I  never  heard  my  father  —  and  he  was  a  most  fas 
tidious  man  —  complain  of  my  mother's  housekeeping,  and 
she  taught  me.  Everybody  who  knew  my  mother  always 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  47 

said  that  she  was  the  neatest  and  most  perfect  of  house 
keepers." 

"  Good  gracious  ! "  I  exclaimed ;  "  don't  say  anything 
more  to  me  about  your  mother,  for  if  there  be  one  thing  I 
dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  hear  about  her  housekeep 
ing.  But  all  this  time,  while  you  are  talking  about  the  ex 
cellent  housekeeping  qualities  of  your  mother  and  yourself, 
I  am  starving.  Now,  once  for  all,  can  I  have  my  dinner 
or  not?" 

"Certainly,"  answered  my  wife ;  "just  so  soon  as  I  am 
able  to  get  it  for  you." 

"  When  will  that  be  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  In  about  an  hour,"  she  replied. 

"  I  can't  wait  so  long,"  I  said.  "  I  have  an  engagement 
to  meet  a  gentleman,  on  particular  business,  at  eight 
o'clock,  and  here  it  is  seven.  I  see  that  I  '11  have  to  go -out 
and  get  my  dinner  elsewhere  ;  there  is  no  help  for  it.  I  '11 
have  a  good  one,  at  all  events,"  I  added,  as  I  drew  on  my 
gloves. 

"  Yes,  you  had  better  go,"  said  my  wife,  "  and  leave  me 
here  to  eat  dry  bread,  while  you  spend  two  or  three  dollars 
on  a  dinner.  My  father  never  left  my  mother,  when  in 
this  way." 

"  What  do  you  mean,"  I  inquired,  slightly  startled,  "  by 
'  in  this  way '  ?  " 

"  Why,  in  the  midst  of  house-cleaning,  of  course,"  she 
replied  ;  "  what  other  way  could  I  mean  ?  " 

"  Oh ! "  I  said,  much  relieved  by  her  explanation,  "  I 
thought,  perhaps,  that  you  meant  "  — 

"  Sir,"  said  my  wife,  indignantly,  "  you  will  oblige  me, 
now,  by  going  out  and  getting  your  dinner  wherever  you 
please,  and  paying  just  as  much  for  it  as  you  like.  But  my 
father  "— 

"  My  dear,"  I  said,  interrupting  her,  "  if  there  be  one 
thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  hear  about  your 
father.  Good-bye  ! " 


48  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

I  placed  my  hand  on  the  knob  of  the  door,  to  open  it, 
when  Katy,  entering  the  room,  said  that  dinner  was  on  the 
table.  Immediately  I  turned  to  my  wife,  who  had  been 
arranging  her  hair,  and  performing  other  toilet  duties,  dur 
ing  our  confab,  and,  offering  her  my  arm,  which  she  took, 
we  proceeded  to  the  dining-room. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  49 


TENTH   INFELICITY. 

GOING   TO    CHURCH. 

you  think,  my  dear,"  I  said  to  my  wife,  on 
Sunday  morning,  as  we    sat   together  in  the  li 
brary,  "  that  you  had  better  prepare  for  church, 
instead  of  passing  the  time  in  reading  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  she  replied,  "  as  soon  as  I  have  finished  this 
chapter." 

"  What  are  you  reading  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  The  '  Life  of  Bishop  Doane,' "  answered  my  wife. 

"  A  very  excellent  work,"  I  said ;  "  but  if  the  chapter  is 
much  longer,  you  '11  be  likely  to  do  that  which  the  good 
bishop  never  did." 

"  What  is  that  ?  "  asked  my  wife,  in  some  surprise. 

"  Why,  go  late  to  church,"  I  answered. 

"  Well,  I  have  finished  now,"  she  said,  closing  the  vol 
ume,  "  and  it  won't  take  me  ten  minutes  to  get  ready." 

As  my  wife  departed,  I  looked  at  my  watch.  It  was  five 
minutes  after  ten  ;  if  she  were  ready  in  ten  minutes,  as  she 
said  she  would  be,  we  could  reach  the  church  just  at  the 
right  moment.  My  wife  had  nothing  to  do,  I  thought,  but 
to  put  on  her  bonnet  and  shawl,  and  I  had  even  less  to  per 
form.  I  turned  to  my  reading.  When  I  looked  at  my 
watch  again,  the  ten  minutes  had  elapsed.  Then  I  gave 
my  wife  three  minutes  grace  ;  still  she  did  not  come.  [ 
opened  the  door  and  called  to  her. 

"  My  dear,"  I  cried,  "  are  you  coming  to-day  or  not  ?  '' 

She  thought  it  highly  probable  that  she  would. 

"But  unless  you  come  very  soon,"  I  said,  "we  shall  be 
4 


50  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

late  ;  and  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another, 
it  is  being  late  at  church." 

Two  minutes  more  elapsed  ;  then  I  said,  — 

"  My  dear,  I  '11  not  wait  another  moment ;  I  am  going." 

"  Very  well,"  she  replied,  "  I  will  overtake  you  ;  go  on." 

But  I  did  n't  go  on.  I  waited  for  her.  Another  minute 
elapsed. 

"  Are  n't  you  ever  coming  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Yes,"  was  all  the  answer  she  vouchsafed. 

I  could  endure  it  no  longer ;  so  I  went  up-stairs  where 
she  was.  She  had  n't  even  her  bonnet  and  shawl  on,  but 
stood  before  the  mirror  arranging  her  hair. 

"  What  in  the  name  of  goodness  ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  have 
you  been  doing  ?  " 

"  Why,  preparing  myself  for  church,"  she  replied.  "  You 
don't  think  I  would  go  unless  I  looked  as  well  as  any  one 
there ;  do  you  ?  " 

"  Oh,  of  course  not,"  I  said  ;  "  we  go  to  church  to  show 
ourselves,  and  for  no  other  purpose  ; "  and  I  leaned  my 
elbow  on  the  corner  of  the  toilet-table,  as  if  I  would  like 
to  argue  the  matter. 

"  Be  careful,"  she  exclaimed,  "  or  you  will  knock  off  that 
bottle  of  cologne  !  " 

I  changed  my  position  to  the  opposite  side  of  the  table. 

"  There ! "  she  said,  "  you  have  managed  to  upset  the 
bottle  of  hair-oil,  and  have  covered  your  coat-sleeve  with 
powder." 

"  Confound  your  flour  I "  I  said  ;  "  why  can't  you  leave  it  in 
the  kitchen  where  it  belongs.  Now,  who  has  got  my  wisp- 
broom,  I  'd  like  to  know  ?  " 

"  The  little  boy  was  sweeping  the  stairs  with  it  yesterday," 
my  wife  said,  "  and  I  told  him  to  put  it  back  where  it  be 
longed." 

"  But  why  didn't  you  do  it  yourself?"  I  asked;  ''you 
might  have  known  he  would  not  do  it" 

"  Now  there  is  no  use  in   talking  about  it,"  she  said ,- 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  51 

"  but  I  can't  forever  be  picking  up  after  that  boy.  Come, 
if  you  wish  me  to  get  ready  for  church,  you  must  n't  stand 
before  the  glass  any  longer  pulling  out  gray  hairs  from 
your  whiskers,  but  let  me  see  how  to  put  on  my  bonnet." 

"  Good  gracious  ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  I  have  no  gray  hairs ; 
but  if  I  had,  I  would  not  use  pomatum  and  hair-dye,  as 
some  one  whom  I  know  does,  to  hide  them." 

"!Now,  I  should  just  like  to  know  who  you  mean  by 
'some  one,'"  my  wife  said,  "for  you  are  well  aware  it  can't 
apply  to  me." 

"  Perhaps  not,"  I  answered  ;  "  but  come,  we  shall  be  late  4 
and  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is 
to  enter  church  after  the  services  have  commenced." 

"  Well,  assist  me  with  putting  on  my  shawl,  and  I  shall 
be  ready." 

I  placed  the  shawl  as  gently  as  possibly  on  her  shoulders. 

"  Stop  \ "  she  exclaimed  ;  "  you  are  crumpling  my  collar  ; 
put  the  shawl  under,  not  over  it.  There,  that  is  better ;  but 
you  men  never  will  learn  how  to  assist  a  lady  in  dressing. 
Come,  let  us  go." 

"  Suppose  you  wait,"  I  said,  "  till  I  get  on  my  gloves.  I 
don't  want  to  make  my  toilet  in  the  street." 

"  Why,  I  thought  you  were  ready  half  an  hour  ago,"  my 
wife  said.  "  Then  you  were  not  waiting  for  me,  after  all !  " 

"  When  one  has  to  help  his  wife  put  on  her  shawl,  and 
then  has  to  hunt  for  something  to  brush  a  lot  of  flour  from 
his  coat,  he  can't  very  well  be  putting  on  his  gloves." 

"  It  was  n't  flour,  as  you  well  know,  but  powder  for  the 
complexion." 

"  Well,  I  don't  care  what  it  is,"  I  said  ;  "  but  at  all  events 
it  is  a  miserable  article  to  have  on  one's  coat.  Confound 
these  gloves,  — just  see  how  they  're  ripped !  " 

"  That  is  because  you  are  in  such  haste  to  get  them  on. 
With  a  little  more  patience  on  your  part  they  would  not 
have  been  torn." 

•'  Good  gracious !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  how  can  I  have  patience 
when  you  stand  there  hurrying  me  to  death  ?  " 


52  MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES. 

"  There  it  is  again,"  she  said  ;  "  you  can't  endure  for  me 
to  say  a  word  to  hasten  your  movements,  but  I  must  put 
up  with  being  talked  to,  and  urged,  and  actually  threatened, 
if  I  stop  a  single  minute  longer  than  you  think  necessary 
to  arrange  my  hair  or  dress.  You  almost  hurried  the  life 
out  of  me  when  you  were  n't  near  ready  yourself,  and  now 
I  have  to  wait  for  you.  I  am  sure  it  won't  be  my  fault  if 
we  are  late  to  church." 

••  That  we  shall  be  late,"  I  said,  "  there  is  no  doubt,  for  it 
is  full  half-past  ten  now." 

••  Then  we  shall  have  plenty  of  time,"  my  wife  said,  "  for 
our  church  does  not  commence  until  eleven  o'clock." 

'•  Oh  !  "  I  exclaimed,  much  relieved,  "  I  thought  it  began 
at  half-past  ten.  Why  did  n't  you  tell  me  this  before,  and 
then  I  would  n't  have  hurried  so  ?  " 

•'  Why,  I  thought  you  knew  it ;  but  never  mind,"  she 
said ;  "  now  we  can  walk  leisurely  to  church,  and  not  get 
heated  nor  tired." 

And  my  wife  stepped  before  the  mirror  to  rearrange  the 
Mowers  in  her  bonnet. 

"  I  have  n't  heard  you  say  yet  how  you  liked  my  new 
bonnet,"  she  added.  "  Don't  you  think  it  pretty  ?  " 

"  Of  course  it  is,"  I  said  ;  "  anything  I  select  is  pretty." 

"  But  you  did  not  select  this,"  my  wife  said,  smiling. 

"  What !  is  n't  it  the  one  I  sent  home  from  Miss  Mo 
diste's  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  No,  indeed,"  my  wife  answered  ;  "  that  was  a  frightful 
bonnet,  and  I  sent  it  immediately  back,  and  went  myself 
and  chose  another.  This  cost  six  dollars  more  than  the 
one  you  selected." 

'•  Well,  if  you  are  pleased,  my  dear,  I  am,"  I  said  ;  "  but 
don't  —  now  remember  —  ever  again  ask  me  to  stop  at  a 
milliner's  to  select  a  bonnet  for  you. 

"  Just  think,  my  dear,"  I  continued,  as  we  walked  toward 
church,  "  how  much  good  the  six  dollars  additional  which 
you  paid  for  that  hat  might  have  clone,  if  it  had  been  given 
to  the  church,  and  used  in  charitable  works." 


MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES.  53 

"  It  is  not  likely  you  would  have  given  it  for  such  a  pur 
pose,"  my  wife  said,  sarcastically ;  "  but  it  would  probably 
have  been  spent  in  a  dinner  for  yourself  and  a  friend  down 
town.  At  least,  I  thought  so ;  and  therefore  I  decided  to 
invest  it  in  a  bonnet,  rather  than  have  you  devour  it." 

"  Perhaps  you  are  right,"  I  said  ;  "  but  at  all  events  we 
will  say  no  more  about  it  at  present,  for  we  are  now  at  the 
church-door,  which,  when  we  have  entered,  we  should  put 
away  from  our  minds  all  thoughts  connected  with  the  pomps 
and  vanities  of  this  ,  world  ;  especially  should  we  seek  to 
avoid  thinking  about  our  outward  appearance,  but,  with 
humble  and  contrite  hearts,  robe  our  spirits  in  sackcloth 
and  ashes." 

Having  thus  spoken,  we  entered  the  church. 

"  My  dear,"  I  said,  as  I  took  off'  my  hat,  "  how  does  my 
hair  look  ?  I  forgot  to  brush  it  before  we  left  the  house." 
My  wife  nodded,  as  if  to  say  it  looked  charmingly. 

"  My  collar  ?  "  I  asked,  as  we  walked  down  the  aisle  ;  "  does 
it  sit  well?" 

Again  my  wife  nodded.     After  we  had  entered  our  pew : 

"  My  love,"  I  whispered,  "  it  seems  to  me  as  if  some  of 
that  confounded  powder  is  clinging  to  my  coat-sleeve  ; 
please  brush  it  off,  will  you  ? " 

My  wife  enjoined  silence  by  placing  her  finger  on  her 
lips.  Then  the  clergyman  and  congregation  rose,  and  the 
service  commenced.  I  could  not  but  wonder,  though,  dur 
ing  the  prayers  and  sermon,  whether  my  wife  was  not 
thinking  about  her  new  bonnet,  and  if  the  congregation 
generally,  and  the  Misses  Flamingo,  in  the  next  pew  back 
of  us,  especially,  were  not  admiring  the  same.  Though, 
for  my  own  part,  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than 
another,  it  is  letting  my  thoughts  wander  while  in  church 
toward  my  neighbor's  dress. 


54  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 


ELEVENTH  INFELICITY. 

EARLY   IN    THE    MORNING. 

'HERE  must  be  different  regulations  in  this  house, 
my  dear,"  I  said,  rearranging  my  pillow,  after  a 
vain  attempt  to  gain  a  short  nap,  "  for  I  won't  en 
dure  any  longer  having  the  children  wake  me  so  early  in 
the  morning.  If  they  will  get  up  before  daylight,  they 
must  remain  in  the  nursery,  and  not  come  into  our  room 
with  their  laughter  and  shouts  of '  Good-morning ! '  The 
fact  is.  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it 
is  to  be  aroused  from  my  slumbers  with  cries  of  '  Good- 
morning,'  for  it  is  anything  but  good  to  be  thus  disturbed." 

"  But  you  must  allow,  my  dear,"  rejoined  my  wife,  "  that 
it  is  very  pretty  in  the  children  to  do  this.  Then  that 
little  three  year  old  one,  who  always  adds  to  her  '  good 
morning  '  a  '  wish  you  merry  Christmas,'  —  can  anything  be 
more  childlike  and  beautiful  ?  " 

"  Oh,  it 's  all  well  enough,"  I  said  ;  "  but  I  don't  see  the 
use  of  it  so  early  in  the  morning.  If  she  would  say  it  at 
night,  when  she  goes  to  bed,  I  could  better  appreciate  it. 
It  has  always  been  a  matter  of  wonderment  to  me  why 
children  will  wake  with  the  birds." 

"  The  reason  is  very  simple,"  my  wife  answered ;  "  it  is 
because  they  go  to  bed  with  them.  No  sooner  do  you 
come  home  in  the  afternoon,  than  you  begin  to  tell  the 
children  it  is  time  for  them  to  prepare  for  bed ;  and,  even 
when  you  are  in  the  best  of  humor,  you  don't  seem  con 
tented  until  they  are  safely  ensconced  in  their  cribs. 
Now,  if  you  were  to  go  to  bed  at  six  or  seven  o'clock. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  55 

as  they  do,  I  think  you  would  also  wake  up  as  early  in 
the  morning." 

"  Perhaps  so,''  I  replied ;  "  but  what  would  be  the 
object  for  me  to  go  to  bed  so  early  ?  " 

"  Why,  as  you  tell  the  children,"  my  wife  said,  maliciously 
"  to  make  you  grow." 

Now,  I  am  rather  short ;  but  I  think  my  age  warrants 
me  in  presuming  I  shall  never  be  any  taller,  so  that  when 
my  wife  answered  as  she  did,  it  provoked  me.  Although 
not  a  perfect  angel  of  a  man,  I  have  the  faculty  of  control 
ling  my  temper  when  I  think  it  desirable  to  do  so,  and,  on 
the  present  occasion,  I  contented  myself  with  silently  wish 
ing  my  amiable  spouse  in  Jericho.  Seeing  I  made  no 
answer,  my  wife  continued,  — 

"  If  it  were  not  that  the  children  woke  you,  you  would  n't 
'get  up  till  ten  o'clock.  Notwithstanding  they  wake  you 
thus  early,  you  don't  rise  until  the  bell  is  rung  for  break 
fast,  and  then  I  have  to  call  you,  over  and  over  again, 
until  my  breath  is  almost  gone,  and  I  have  n't  strength  left 
to  serve  the  coffee." 

"  I  should  not  think  it  required  a  great  deal  of  strength 
to  open  the  faucet  of  the  coffee-urn,  especially  as  I  have 
heard  you  complain  that  it  often  drops  of  its  own  accord, 
and  allows  the  coffee  to  run  at  will." 

"  Oh,  well,  make  as  much  sport  of  me  as  you  like  ;  but 
don't  complain  if,  when  you  go  to  breakfast  this  morning, 
everything  on  the  table,  including  the  coffee,  be  cold,  for, 
positively,  I  will  not  call  you.  If  you  won't  get  up  when 
the  bell  rings,  why  you  can  lie  abed  and  eat  a  cold  break 
fast  after  the  others  have  finished." 

"  Very  well,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  have  it  your  own  way ; 
though  if  I  can't  have  my  breakfast,  and  a  hot  one  at  that, 
any  hour  I  may  wish  it,  in  this  house,  why,  I  can  get  it 
it  Delmonico's  when  I  go  down-town.  On  the  whole,  I 
think  I  should  prefer,  for  a  change,  to  do  so.  I  should  not 
have  to  wait  on  the  children,  carving  tough  steaks,  nor  will 
you  have  to  turn  out  coffee  for  me." 


50  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  Well,  do  you  know,"  said  my  wife,  "  I  really  believe 
you  would  like  to  do  that.  I  think  you  would  actually  enjoy 
taking  your  meals  away  from  your  family.  You  would  n't 
mind  anything  about  the  expense  of  such  proceedings,  so 
long  as  it  was  Jo  r  your  gratification  ;  but  if  I  should  do  so, 
you  would  declare  it  the  height  of  foolishness.  Why,  if  I 
stop  at  Mendes'  and  get  a  cup  of  chocolate,  some  day  when 
I  am  wearied  out  with  shopping  for  you  and  the  children, 
you  think  it  extravagant,  and  I  never,  indeed,  hear  the  last 
of  it." 

"  Well,  but  chocolate  is  such  abominable  stuff,"  I  said ; 
"  it  sticks  up  one's  moustache  so.  I  cannot  imagine  how 
any  one  can  like  it." 

"  Fortunately,"  my  wife  said,  "  I  have  no  moustache  to 
be  soiled  with  it,  and,  besides,  I  like  chocolate." 

"  Very  well,  if  you  like  it,"  I  said,  "  I  am  sure  I  have  no 
objection  to  your  drinking  it ;  but  don't,  for  gracious'  sake, 
be  recommending  it  to  me,  for  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dis 
like  more  than  another,  it  is  chocolated" 

"But  I  have  not  recommended  it,"  my  wife*  replied, 
"though  I  think  it  would  be  better  for  you  to  drink  than 
the  strong  coffee  you  now  use.  Coffee  makes  you  nervous 
and  irritable." 

"  I  am  not  irritable,"  I  said  ;  "  and  I  doubt  if  a  more 
even-tempered  and  amiable  man  does,  or  ever  did,  or  ever 
will  exist,  than  I  am." 

"  My  father,"  began  my  wife ;  but  I  interrupted  her  with 
declaring  that  I  didn't  wish  to  hear  a  word  about  her 
father  or  his  amiability.  My  wife  put  her  handkerchief  to 
her  eyes. 

"  No ! "  she  exclaimed,  "  you  never  will  permit  me  to 
say  a  word  about  my  dear  dead  father.  If  he  had  known, 
when  he  resigned  me  to  you,  that  you  would  have  treated 
me  in  the  harsh  manner  in  which  you  do,  he  never  would 
have  given  his  consent  for  you  to  marry  me." 

"  Then  ours  would  have  been  a  runaway  match,  my  dear, 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  57 

that  is  certain ;  for  you  were  so  deeply  in  love  with  me  that 
all  the  fathers  in  Christendom  couldn't  have  kept  you 
away  from  me." 

•'  Oh,  yes,  you  may  say  that,"  my  wife  said,  smiling  in 
spite  of  herself;  "  but  if  you  think  such  light  talk  is  going 
to  make  me  forget  your  unkind  expressions  in  regard  to 
my  father,  you  are  much  mistaken.  I  only  wish  I  had 
known  as  mucn  when  I  married  you  as  I  now  do." 

"  I  really  wish  you  had,"  I  replied,  "  for  then  I  should 
not  have  experienced  the  annoyances  which  your  lack  of 
housekeeping  knowledge  has  brought  upon  me.  If,  when 
we  were  first  married,  you  had  known  as  much  about  cook 
ing  as  you  now  do,  how  much  better  I  might  have  lived. 
What  delicate  light  biscuits  I  should  have  eaten,  instead 
of  the  heavy  ones  I  have  been  obliged  to  devour  !  What 
juicy  meats  I  might  have  carved,  in  place  of  the  overdone 
joints  I  have  had  to  dissect !  What  "  — 

•'  Never  mind,"  interrupted  my  wife,  "  going  any  farther 
into  the  subject,  for  the  knowledge  I  regret  not  to  have 
possessed  has  no  reference  to  any  housekeeping  accom 
plishments.  1  refer  to  your  irritable  disposition,  which,  if 
I  had  been  aware  you  possessed,  would  have  deterred  me 
from  ever  marrying  you." 

"  Good  gracious !  my  dear,"  I  exclaimed,  "  you  don't  say 
so !  How  glad  I  am  that  you  did  n't  find  it  out.  Just  to 
think  that  if  you  had  known  as  much  about  me  fifteen  years 
ago  as  you  do  now,  we  would  not  have  been  married ! 
What  a  narrow  escape  I  had  of  being  a  bachelor ! " 

'•  There  it  is  again,"  said  my  wife ;  "  make  as  much  fun 
about  what  I  say  as  you  like  ;  sneer  at  me  as  much  as  you 
please ;  but  I  guess  that  one  of  these  days  you  '11  find  I  am 
in  earnest." 

"  Well,  my  dear,  all  I  can  say  is,  that  I  should  be  very 
sorry  to  believe  it.  If  I  am  irritable,  as  you  declare  I  am, 
perhaps  there  are  some  acts  of  yours  which  serve  to  make 
me  so  ;  at  all  events,  you  must  endeavor  to  bear  with  my 


58  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

humors,  and  I  will  endure  yours.  But  —  don't  you  think 
we  had  both  better  get  up,  for  it  must  be  nearly  eight 
o'clock,  and  at  this  season  of  the  year  I  don't  care  to  lie 
abed  any  later." 

And,  rising,  I  left  my  amiable  spouse  to  her  reflections. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  59 


TWELFTH  INFELICITY. 

MY    WIFE    HAS    A    HEADACHE. 

:  HAT  in  the  world  is  the  matter  with  you  now,  ray 
dear  ?  "  I  said  to  my  amiable  spouse,  who,  on  my 
return  home  from  business,  I  found  with  a  white 
handkerchief  tied  about  her  head,  while  a  strong  scent  of 
camphor  pervaded  the  house. 

"  I  should  n't  think  you  would  have  to  ask  what  is  the 
matter,  for  you  might  know  I  have  one  of  my  terrible 
headaches,"  my  wife  replied. 

"  Well,  I  am  very  sorry  to  hear  it,"  I  said. 

"  Of  course  you  are  very  sorry  to  hear  it,"  she  answered, 
*•  for  you  think  I  '11  not  be  able  now  to  attend  to  getting 
you  your  dinner." 

"  Don't,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  worry  about  dinner.  There 
is  no  necessity  for  you  to  go  into  the  kitchen,  that  I  am 
aware  of,  for  the  cook  can  get  dinner  just  as  well  as  if  you 
were  there  to  direct  her." 

"  But  the  cook  left  me  this  morning,  I  would  have  you 
understand,  because  I  would  not  allow  her  to  make  fresh 
coffee  for  her  breakfast.  She  said  that  which  we  drank 
was  not  strong  enough." 

"  Well,  never  mind  it,"  I  answered.  "  I  am  glad  she  is 
gone.  She  was  very  wasteful  and  extravagant." 

"  Oh,  it  is  easy  enough  for  you  to  say  '  never  mind  it,' 
and  '  you  're  glad  she  is  gone,'  but  you  don't  have  to  get  the 
dinners,  and  think,  I  suppose,  that  I  will  go  into  the  kitchen 
and  prepare,  the  meals,  till  another  cook  arrives ;  but  1 
don't  intend  to  do  it." 

"  I  am  sure  I  do  not  wish  you  to,  my  dear,"  I  said.     "  I 


GO  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

had  much  rather  go  without  both  breakfast  and  dinner  than 
for  you  to  go  into  the  kitchen  and  prepare  them." 

''  Ydu  say  so,"  said  my  wife,  "  but  you  don't  mean  it. 
You  would  rather  have  me  slave  to  death,  and  burn  my 
self  up  over  the  range,  than  go  without  your  dinners.  And 
now,  when  my  head  aches  so  that  I  can  barely  see,  I  have 
got  to  go  and  get  dinner  for  you." 

'  But  I  tell  you,  my  dear,"  I  replied,  "  that  you  need  not. 
I  am  not  hungry,  and  I  can  do  without  any  dinner  to-day." 

''Then  you  must  have  dined  down-town.  That  is  the 
way  you  like  to  serve  me.  When  I  am  just  ready  to  get  a 
good  dinner  for  you,  and  have  puzzled  my  brains  all  day 
thinking  of  what  you  will  like  to  eat,  you  come  home  and 
tell  me  that  you  have  no  appetite,  and  have  been  to  din 
ner." 

"  Good  gracious !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  if  you  want  to  get  a 
dinner  for  me,  get  it.  I  won't  stop  you." 

"  Of  course  you  wouldn't  stop  me,"  she  answered.  "  You'd 
let  me  get  a  dozen  dinners  for  you  in  one  day,  even  when 
you  had  no  appetite  to  eat  any  of  them." 

"  You  are  certainly,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  the  most  un 
reasonable  woman  I  ever  met.  Now  I  tell  you  distinctly, 
you  may  get  me  a  dinner  or  not,  as  you  please  ;  do  which 
ever  you  like  best,  and  I  shall  be  satisfied  ;  but  if  there  be 
one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  being  obliged 
to  go  without  my  dinner." 

"  Of  course,"  chimed  in  my  wife,  "  if  I  failed  to  get  din 
ner  for  you  to-day,  I  should  never  hear  the  last  of  it.  You 
pretend  not  to  wish  me  to  get  it,  but  if  I  did  n't,  I  think 
there  would  be  an  exciting  time  in  this  house.  The  inno 
cent  children  would  suffer,  I  know,  and  I  would  be  put 
down  with  all  kind  of  expressions.  I  knew  you  were  vexed 
the  moment  you  entered  the  room.  The  ejaculation  you 
made  when  you  scented  the  camphor  convinced  me  of  that, 
even  if  the  hateful  way  in  which  you  threw  your  gloves  into 
your  hat  had  not  been  sufficient.  Then,  too,  when  you 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  61 

drew  off  your  boots,  you  let  them  fall  heavily  on  the  floor, 
as  if  it  delighted  you  to  make  my  poor  head  ache  more. 
Oh,  you  men  are  cruel  to  your  wives,  and  you  take  pleas 
ure  in  being  so  !  " 

"  Well,  never  mind,"  I  said,  "  saying  anything  more  about 
it.  The  fact  is,  I  have  decided  to  have  my  dinner,  and  if  I 
can't  obtain  it  here,  I  will  go  where  I  can.  It  seems  to  me 
you  make  a  great  fuss  about  a  simple  headache.  In  my 
opinion,  a  headache  is  the  lightest  of  all  maladies.  Quiet, 
and  cold-water  bandages,  are  better  than  all  the  camphor 
and  loud  talking,  which  are  the  usual  accompaniments  of 
headaches  in  this  house.  Listen  !  if  you  will  lie  down  on 
the  lounge,  and  not  speak  another  word  to-night,  I  '11  get 
my  own  dinner." 

Instead  of  following  my  advice,  my  wife  began  to  weep. 
Now,  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it 
is  to  see  a  woman  in  tears.  I  essayed  to  soothe  my  wife, 
but  she  would  not  be  soothed. 

"  If  you  choose,"  she  said,  "  to  make  sport  of  me  and 
my  headache,  I  cannot  prevent  it ;  but  you  '11  be  sorry  for 
it  by-and-by.  I  sometimes  think  that  we  shall  not  live  to 
gether  much  longer." 

"  Now,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  don't  speak  so ;  your  health  is 
pretty  good,  notwithstanding  these  troublesome  headaches. 
I  think,  indeed,  we  may  both  live  many  years  yet." 

"  Oh,  I  have  no  doubt,"  she  replied,  "  but  that  we  shall 
both  exist  a  score  of  years  longer,  only  I  think  it  doubtful 
if  we  live  together.  Your  treatment  of  me  is  so  cruel,  that 
I  fear  we  shall  separate.  And  I  am  sure  none  of  my  friends 
would  censure  me  for  it  if  they  only  knew  what  I  suffer  and 
endure.  For  fifteen  years  I  have  borne  with  your  irritability 
hoping  that  as  you  grew  older  you  would  overcome  it;  but, 
on  the  contrary,  it  seems  to  increase  upon  you,  until  now 
there  is  scarcely  an  hour  passes,  when  you  are  in  the  house, 
but  you  are  fault-finding  and  cavilling  at  something.  You 
can't  endure  to  know  that  I  am  sick,  even  though  I  don't 
complain,  and  keep  my  sufferings  to  myself." 


G2  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  Well,  now,  suppose  we  separate,"  I  said,  "  who  will  take 
the  children  ?  " 

"  I  think,"  said  my  wife,  evincing  considerable  feeling, 
"  that  the  children  ought  to  go  with  me.  In  the  first  place, 
you  don't  know  how  to  take  care  of  them.  Your  idea  of 
domestic  government  is  very  erroneous,  and,  besides,  you 
would  be  apt  to  treat  them  cruelly." 

"  Very  well,"  I  said ;  "  I  don't  think  I  should  care  to  be 
troubled  with  the  children.  You  might  have  them  and 
welcome.  I  would  be  freer  without  them,  and  could  go 
and  come  as  I  wished,  nor  be  obliged  to  consult  their  com 
fort  in  any  degree.  Why  I  should  be  quite  a  bachelor 
again,  would  n't  I  ?  " 

'•  You  seem  to  enjoy  the  idea  so  greatly,"  my  wife  said, 
"  that  I  am  not  certain  whether  it  would  not  be  conferring 
too  much  happiness  on  you  for  me  to  obtain  a  separation. 
At  all  events  I  won't  do  it  at  present." 

"  No,  nor  any  time  in  the  future,  my  dear,"  I  said.  "  The 
fact  is,  if  I  am  hasty  and  irritable  occasionally,  as  you  de 
clare,  I  get  over  it  in  a  moment,  and  my  spells  of  good 
nature  are  worth  more  than  the  life-long  evenness  of  tem 
per  which  belong  to  other  men.  You  obtained  a  prize,  my 
dear,  in  me,  which  I  fear  you  do  not  appreciate  as  you 
ought.  But  how  does  your  head  feel  now,  my  love  ?  " 

"  I  declare,"  said  my  wife,  smiling,  "  it  is  entirely  gone. 
I  think  you  must  have  magnetized  me  and  drawn  it  away." 

"  I  think  I  frightened  it  away,"  I  said.  "  My  suggestion 
that  we  separate,  evidently  had  a  good  effect  upon  you." 

"  But  you  did  n't  suggest  it,"  niy  wife  replied.  "  It  was  I 
who  spoke  of  it." 

"  Well,  it  is  all  the  same,"  I  said ;  "  you  or  I,  for  we  are 
both  one,  you  know." 

"  I  really  believe,"  she  added,  "  that  you  do  not  intend  to 
vex  me  as  you  so  often  do ;  but  you  must  acknowledge  that 
you  are  provoking  at  times." 

"  Certainly,"  I  answered,  "  I  '11  acknowledge  anything 
that  you  may  desire  " 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  63 

"  Now  that  is  provoking,"  she  said,  "  and  I  don't  want 
you  to  do  it." 

"  Very  well,  then,"  I  said, "  I  '11  not  do  it ;  but  I  deny 
it  is  provoking." 

"  But  I  tell  you  it  is,"  my  wife  replied.  "  It  provokes 
me." 

"  Very  well,"  I  said ;  "  then  I  '11  say  no  more  about  it. 
But  what  about  dinner  ?  Are  we  not  to  have  any  to-day  ?  " 

"  Well,  the  truth  is,"  my  wife  said,  "  there  is  a  chicken- 
pie  in  the  refrigerator,  which,  with  the  vegetables  Katy  has 
cooked,  will  perhaps  suffice  for  to-day." 

"  Nothing  can  be  better,"  I  answered  ;  "  and  if  you  will 
only  have  a  chicken-pie  for  dinner  when  you  have  a  head 
ache,  why  I  don't  care  if  you  have  one  every  week." 

"  Which  do  you  mean,"  asked  my  wife,  smiling,  —  "  the 
pie  or  the  headache  ?  " 

"  Oh,  the  pie,  of  course,"  I  said.  "  As  for  the  headache,  I 
trust  you  will  never  have  one  again  as  long  as  you  live." 

And  then  we  went  to  dinner. 


64  MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES. 


THIRTEENTH   INFELICITY. 

» 

IN    THE    TWILIGHT. 

a  confounded  noise  you  make,  my  dear,  with 
that  piano,"  I  said  to  my  amiable  spouse.  "  Foi 
the  last  half  hour  I  have  been  endeavoring  to  get 
a  wink  of  sleep  ;  but  no  sooner  do  I  lose  myself  than  you 
come  down  with  a  crescendo  or  other  kind  of  movement, 
which  startles  me  as  if  a  cannon  had  been  fired  at  my  side. 
Why  you  can't  practise  in  the  morning,  when  I  am  absent, 
instead  of  waiting  until  evening,  when  I  come  home,  is  a 
matter  I  don't  understand.  You  know  well  enough  that  if 
there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  the 
thrumming  on  a  piano." 

"  I  really  thought,"  my  wife  replied,  "  that  the  air  I  was 
playing  would  soothe  and  please  you.  It  used  to  be  a  fa 
vorite  of  yours  before  we  were  married,  and  I  like  it  because 
it  revives  happy  memories." 

"  Well,  I  don't  object  to  your '  reviving  happy  memories ; ' " 
but  you  will  greatly  oblige  me  by  letting  the  keys  of  the 
piano  rest  for  a  while.  I  like  to  take  a  nap  just  after  din 
ner  ;  but  for  several  days  past  I  have  been  unable  to  do  so, 
because  you  would  practise  your  abominable  marches  and 
quicksteps.  I  hear  enough  martial  music  when  I  am  down 
town,  and  I  don't  care  to  listen  to  it  after  I  get  home." 

"  I  fear,"  my  wife  answered,  "  that  you  are  not  as  patri 
otic  as  I  wish  you  were." 

"  Oh,  I  am  patriotic  enough,  my  dear,"  I  replied,  "  and 
go  for  the  Union  with  all  my  heart;  but  then  I  don't  want 
to  be  disturbed  with  having  Yankee  Doodle  dinned  into 
my  ears  every  hour  in  the  twenty-four." 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  Go 

"  But  I  was  not  playing  that  air,  ray  dear  ;  it  was  '  Love 
Not,'  which  I  am  sure  you  used  to  like." 

"  Perhaps  I  did","  I  answered,  "  and  I  can  but  wish  now, 
especially  that  you  keep  me  awake  with  it,  that  I  had  fol 
lowed  the  advice  it  gives.  I  knew  it  was  a  march,  too,  you 
were  playing,  for  all  the  military  bands  employ  it  as  a  stock- 
piece.  But  why  will  you  keep  drumming  on  that  piano 
when  I  have  just  told  you  I  want  to  sleep  ?  " 

"  I  had  no  idea,"  my  wife  said,  "  that  you  could  sleep 
when  you  were  talking  ;  but,  if  you  desire  it,  I  will  play  no 
more." 

"  Well,  I  do  desire  it,"  I  said ;  "  and,  what  is  more,  I  wish 
you  would  play  only  in  the  morning,  and  not  in  the  even 
ing." 

"  In  the  morning,  my  dear,"  my  wife  replied,  "  I  have 
other  things  to  attend  to.  It  is  only  in  the  evening,  when 
the  little  ones  are  in  their  beds,  that  I  have  an  opportunity 
of  touching  the  keys  of  my  piano.  Still  I  will  give  up  my 
music  entirely,  lock  the  instrument,  and  give  you  the  key, 
rather  than  you  should  go  without  your  nap.  I  wish, 
though,  you  would  converse  more  with  me  than  you  do, 
and  not  be  all  the  time  writing,  or  reading  the  newspapers, 
or  sleeping,  when  you  are  in  the  house." 

"  Well,  you  certainly  are  a  most  unreasonable  woman,  if 
you  think  I  have  nothing  to  do  but  entertain  you.  Don't  I 
talk  to  you  at  the  table  ?  " 

"  Yes  you  do,"  she  replied  ;  "  but  what  is  the  subject  of 
your  conversation  ?  Simply  finding  fault  with  what  you 
are  eating,  and  scolding  the  children  because  they,  taking 
their  cue  from  you,  refuse  to  eat  what  you  give  them.  You 
never  relate  to  me  what  is  going  on  in  the  world,  nor  say 
pleasant  things  to  me,  nor  tell  me  you  love  me." 

"  Good  gracious  !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  how  can  I  tell  you  I 
love  you  when  my  mouth  is  filled  with  bread  and  butter. 
Besides,  I  told  you  so  once,  and  I  don't  see  the  object  in 
continually  reiterating  it." 


66  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  A  wife,"  she  replied,  "  never  wearies  of  hearing  her 
husband  say  he  loves  her.  Why,  even  you,  before  we  were 
married,  used  to  want  me  to  say  over  and  over  again  that 
I  loved  you.  You  certainly  have  not  forgotten  it." 

"  I  'm  sure  I  don't  remember,"  I  said ;  "  but,  please,  don't 
say  anything  more  about  it,  for  I  want  to  go  to  sleep." 

"  Well,  I  have  not  forgotten  it,  if  you  have,"  my  wife 
answered,  with  a  sigh,  "  and  it  is  well  for  you,  perhaps,  that 
I  do  remember  it?" 

"  Now,  my  love,"  I  cried,  "  of  course  we  both  remember 
it ;  but  won't  you  stop  your  talking  so  that  I  can  take  my 
nap ;  for,  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  an 
other,  it  is  to  be  deprived  of  my  after-dinner  nap." 

My  wife  said  nothing ;  but,  closing  the  piano,  she  left  it, 
and  taking  a  seat  near  the  window,  opened  a  volume  of  en 
gravings.  Hustle,  rustle  went  the  leaves.  I  endured  it  for 
five  minutes,  then,  — 

"  My  dear,"  I  said,  "  if  you  expect  I  can  sleep  while  you 
are  rattling  the  pages  of  that  book,  you  are  greatly  mis 
taken.  You  might  as  well  play  on  the  piano." 

"  You  can't  be  very  sleepy,"  she  replied,  "  if  this  keeps 
you  awake.  You  are  too  nervous  to  go  to  sleep." 

"But  I  will  go  to  sleep,"  I  said,  "and  I  am  not  nei- 
vous  either.  I  don't  see  why  you  should  wish  to  provoke 
me  by  saying  I  am  nervous,  and  seeking  to  keep  me 
awake." 

"  Such  an  object,"  she  answered,  "  is  very  far  from  being 
my  intention  ;  indeed,  I  wish  you  were  asleep." 

"  Of  course,"  I  said,  "  you  want  me  to  go  to  sleep.  You 
never  seem  to  be  at  all  satisfied  with  me  unless  when  I  am 
asleep.  Then,  fortunately,  you  can  find  nothing  in  my 
actions  with  which  to  find  fault." 

"  Why,  then,"  said  the  provoking  woman,  "  don't  you  go 
to  sleep  ?  " 

"  Now  !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  I  will  not  go  to  sleep." 

"  Come,  then,"  said  my  wife,  "  sit  beside  me,  and  watch 
the  twilight  deepening  in  the  west" 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  67 

"  Good  gracious ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  if  there  be  one  thing  I 
dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  see  the  twilight  deepen 
ing  in  the  west." 

"  Very  well,"  my  wife  answered,  "  if  you  do  not  care  for 
it,  I  have  nothing  more  to  say.  There  was  a  time,  how 
ever,  when  it  gave  you  pleasure  to  sit  by  me  in  the  twilight. 
You  were  more  gentle  to  me  then  than  you  now  are,  and 
never  spoke  a  harsh  or  unkind  word." 

"  Why  will  you  forever  be  talking  to  me,"  I  asked, "  about 
things  that  happened  years  ago,  when  you  know  very  well 
that  I  have  forgotten  all  about  them  ?  Enjoy  the  present,  is 
my  motto,  and  let  the  past  and  the  future  take  care  of 
themselves." 

My  wife  made  no  reply  to  my  last  remark,  so  we  both 
remained  silent  for  some  minutes.  At  length  she  said,  — 

"  As  you  do  not  wish  to  watch  the  twilight,  I  will  have 
the  gas  lighted ; "  and,  rising  from  her  chair,  she  went  to 
ward  the  bell.  As  she  passed  me  I  seized  her  hand,  and 
drew  her  to  a  place  on  the  lounge  beside  me. 

"  Never  mind  about  lighting  the  gas  at  present,"  I  said ; 
"  the  bill  for  it  is  high  enough  every  month,  without  burn 
ing  it  before  it  is  dark.  I  want  to  ask  you  a  question." 

My  wife,  folding  her  hands  resignedly  on  her  lap,  looked 
off,  through  the  window,  at  the  deepening  twilight. 

"  Look  at  me,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  and  not  out-of-doors." 

She  turned  her  eyes  toward  mine.  There  were  tears  in 
them. 

"  I  thought  I  should  find  it  so,"  I  continued  ;  "  you  are 
always  weeping.  Why  can't  you  be  happy  and  contented, 
as  I  am  ?  " 

"  Are  you  happy  and  contented  ?  "  she  asked,  in  reply. 

"  Certainly  I  am,"  I  answered  ;  "  have  I  not  a  wife  who 
loves  —  to  provoke  me,  and  children  who  always  are  fret 
ful  and  engaged  in  mischief!  Pray,  for  what  more  can  a 
man  ask  ?  " 

"  It  is  cruel  in  you  —  as  cruel  as  the  grave  —  to  speak 
so,"  my  wife  said. 


68  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  Pooh  ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  your  heart  is  as  soft  as  dough." 

"  Yes,  and  as  heavy  as  lead,"  she  added. 

"  You  can't  bear  for  me  to  speak  a  word,"  I  said,  "  that 
is  not  complimentary  to  you.  But  how  many  times  have  I 
been  obliged  to  listen  to  words  from  you  which  have  vexed 
me  more  than  you  can  imagine  ?  " 

"  I  am  sure,"  said  my  wife,  "  I  never  have  said  aught  to 
you  which  has  caused  you  half  the  anguish  which  your 
words  have  caused  me.  If,  in  spite  of  all  you  have  said  to 
me,  I  did  not  believe  that  you  loved  me,  I  should,  indeed, 
be  broken-hearted.  I  make  many  allowances  for  you  which 
I  would  not  for  another,  as  I  know  you  were  a  petted  boy, 
spoiled  to  such  a  degree,  indeed,  through  indulgence,  that 
I  often  wonder  you  passed  as  scathless  through  such  a  try 
ing  ordeal  as  you  have.  Naturally,  you  possess  a  good 
heart,  but "  — 

''  Say  no  more,  my  dear,"  I  interrupted,  taking  her  hand, 
''  you  speak  like  an  oracle.  I  was  spoilt,  and  I  fear  my 
wife  is  not  changing  the  early  treatment.  You  know,  I 
am  certain  —  or  else  you  would  not  endure  it  as  patiently 
as  you  do  —  that  I  am  far  from  meaning  any  of  the  cruel 
and  provoking  words  I  often  say,  but  that,  even  at  the  mo 
ment  I  am  uttering  them,  my  heart  actually  grieves  for  the 
pain  I  know  I  am  causing  you,  and  yearns  to  clasp  you  to 
my  breast,  as  once  I  did,  and  now  again  I  do,  and,  with 
the  twilight  deepening  in  the  west,  whisper,  '  I  love  you, 
love  you,  darling  one ! ' " 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  69 


FOUKTEENTH  INFELICITY. 

THE    MORNING    AFTER. 

'HAT  in  the  world  is  the  matter  with  you  ? "  I 
asked  my  wife,  when,  after  having  finished  my 
breakfast,  I  moved  my  chair  back  from  the  table 
preparatory  to  reading  the  morning  papers. 

"  Nothing,"  she  replied,  in  a  tone,  however,  which  clearly 
signified  the  reverse. 

"  But  I  know  there  is,"  I  answered ;  "  for  you  have 
spoken  scarcely  a  word  since  I  sat  down  to  breakfast." 

"  I  did  not  suppose,"  she  said,  "  that  you  cared  to  have 
me  speak.  It  does  not  seem  probable  that  a  husband,  who 
will  leave  his  wife  alone  an  entire  evening,  as  you  have 
done,  could  have  any  wish  to  hear  her  utter  a  word." 

"  A  good  deal  will  depend,  my  dear,  under  those  circum 
stances,"  I  replied,  "  as  to  what  the  subject  of  her  conver 
sation  may  be.  If  she  be  likely  to  find  fault  with  him  for 
having  passed  one  evening  out  of —  say  a  month,  away  from 
home,  why,  then,  I  think  she  had  better  remain  silent." 

"  Oh,  you  think  so,  do  you  !  "  she  exclaimed  ;  "  then  all 
I  can  say  is,  that,  so  far  as  I  am  concerned,  I  will  not  have 
my  tongue  tied,  but  will  tell  you  just  what  I  think  of  such 
acts." 

"  Very  well,  my  dear,"  I  said.  "  Go  on  ;  I  will  listen. 
But  first  let  me  tell  you  that  I  think  it  was  very  unkind  in 
you  not  to  sit  up  for  me  last  night.  A  good  wife  will  sit  up 
for  her  husband,  when  he  is  out,  until  morning,  if  he  come 
not  home  before.  Then,  too,  let  me  tell  you,  it  is  con 
foundedly  unpleasant  to  find  all  the  lights  out,  and  the 
very  gas  itself  turned  off,  and  not  a  candle  or  match  to  be 


70  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

found  anywhere.  If  it  had  not  been  for  the  moonlight 
which  streamed  in  at  the  window,  I  should  have  broken 
my  neck  stumbling  over  the  chairs,  which,  it  seems  to  me, 
were  purposely  placed  where  I  might  run  against  them. 
Now,  if  there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it 
is  to  break  my  neck  stumbling  over  chairs  in  the  dark." 

•'  Well,  you  are  a  nice  man,  I  must  say,"  my  wife  replied. 
"  I  really  had  no  idea  that  you  were  in  the  extreme  state 
which  your  own  words  imply.  In  the  first  place,  the  gas 
was  left  burning,  and,  now  that  you  have  drawn  my  atten 
tion  to  it,  I  see  it  is  burning  at  this  moment :  please  turn 
it  off,  will  you  ?  In  the  next,  it  was  raining  hard  when  you 
came  home,  and  consequently  the  moon  was  not  shining. 
As  for  your  not  being  able  to  find  the  candle  and  matches, 
why,  I  think  it  would  prove  a  matter  of  little  consequence 
to  one  who  could  not  tell  gas-light  from  moonlight,  though, 
so  far  as  the  fact  of  the  case  goes,  both  the  candle  and 
matches  were  in  their  usual  place.  Lastly,  as  to  your 
breaking  your  neck  by  stumbling  over  chairs,  why  all  I 
have  to  say  is,  that  I  think  you  will  be  likely  to  live  a 
thousand  years  before  such  an  event  occurs.  What  I  most 
look  at  and  regret,  however,  is  that  you  are  setting  a  most 
pernicious  example  to  the  children." 

••  Good  gracious  !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  what  a  woman  you  are 
to  talk.  Why  the  children  were  sound  asleep  when  I  re 
turned,  and  if  you  did  n't  tell  them,  they  would  n't  know 
whether  I  came  home  on  my  head  or  feet  I  must  say,  too, 
I  think  it  was  very  wrong  in  you  to  pretend  to  be  asleep, 
and  allow  me  to  stumble  around  in  the  dark  as  you  did." 

"  But,  I  tell  you,  it  was  not  dark,"  my  wife  replied  ;  "  I 
saw  every  step  you  took,  and  if  you  had  broken  your  neck 
over  the  chairs,  as  you  imagine  you  almost  did,  I  should 
have  been  the  first  to  have  known  it." 

"  I  suppose  you  would  have  known  it,"  I  said,  "  even  be 
fore  I  were  aware  of  it  myself." 

"  Very  likely,"  she  answered,  "  for  you  seemed  to  know 


MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES.  71 

very  little.  But  suppose,  now,  you  tell  me  where  you  were 
last  evening.  You  left  the  house,  saying  you  were  going 
to  the  druggist's,  and  would  return  in  a  few  moments.  I 
waited  for  you  patiently  till  eleven  o'clock,  when  I  went  to 
bed,  and  I  know  it  must  have  been  after  twelve  when  you 
came  home.  I  did  not  know  but  that  you  had  been  robbed 
and  murdered,  and  I  really  was  very  much  alarmed  about 

you."  ' 

"  You  must  have  been  exceedingly  alarmed,"  I  answered 
to  have  gone  to  sleep  as  you  did.  The  fact  is,  if  there  be 
one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  come  home 
and  find  my  wife  abed." 

"  You  have  just  said  the  contrary,"  the  amiable  woman 
answered,  "  when  you  have  found  me  sitting  up  for  you. 
The  truth  is,  there  is  no  pleasing  you  men.  We  poor 
women  are  snubbed  and  curbed  at  every  step  in  life  by  you 
lords  of  creation.  Oh,  I  sometimes  wish  I  were  a  man,  if 
it  were  only  to  show  your  sex  how  to  treat  ours  properly. 
But  you  have  not  yet  told  me  where  you  were  last  night." 

"  Oh,  I  went,"  I  replied,  "  to  hear  Madame  Bishop  sing 
the  '  Flag  of  Our  Union,'  and  I  wish  you  had  been  with 
me." 

"  I  should  have  liked  nothing  better,"  she  answered ; 
"  but  you  never  asked  me  to  accompany  you.  Well,  how 
were  you  pleased  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  did  n't  hear  her,"  I  said  ;  "  I  met  a  friend  who 
invited  me  to  go  and  see  the  Clinton  Guards  drill.  They 
are  a  splendid  corps,  my  dear.  I  wish  you  had  been  with 
me." 

"  1  wish  I  had,"  my  wife  replied ;  "  but  remember  you  did 
not  ask  me.  Tell  me,  though,  how  the  Guards  appeared." 

"  Well,  actually,  my  dear,"  I  replied,  "  I  did  n't  see  them. 
My  friend  and  myself  thought  we  'd  stop  first  and  take  some 
oysters  at  the  Waverley  ;  and  while  eating  them,  we  con 
cluded  we  would  go  to  the  Winter  Garden  and  hear  Edwin 
Booth  in  '  Hamlet.'  Really,  I  wish  you  had  been  with  us." 


72  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  I  wish  I  had,"  my  wife  answered,  "  for,  of  course,  you 
went  to  the  Winter  Garden." 

"  Well,  no,"  I  answered  ;  "  but  what  a  woman  you  are  to 
ask  questions.  You  'd  make  a  good  lawyer.  I  hope  you 
are  through  now,  at  all  events,  for  if  there  be  one  thing  I 
dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  be  cross-questioned." 

"  But  you  have  not  told  me  yet  where  you  went,"  she 
said.  "  So  you  did  n't  hear  Booth,  after  all  ?  " 

"  Not  exactly,"  I  replied,  "  although  we  met  a  friend 
of  my  friend's  whose  name  was  Booth,  and  with  whom  we 
took  some  more  oysters." 

"  Oh,  you  took  more  oysters,  did  you  ! "  my  wife  ejacu 
lated.  "  I  noticed  your  appetite  was  exceedingly  limited 
this  morning.  Well,  after  these  second  oysters,  where  did 
you  go  ?  " 

"  Good  gracious  !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  I  won't  answer  any 
more  questions.  I  have  patiently  borne  being  catechized 
till  you  have  extracted  from  me  everything  that  I  can  tell 
about  where  I  went,  and  what  I  did,  last  night ;  and  I 
won't  endure  it  any  longer.  If  you  want  to  know  anything 
more,  you  '11  have  to  see  my  friends  and  ask  them." 

"  I  am  afraid,  my  dear,"  my  wife  replied,  sadly,  "  that 
you  went  somewhere  that  you  would  not  care  to  have  me 
know." 

"  Well,  you  certainly  are  a  most  suspicious  and  foolish 
woman,"  I  said,  "  to  think  your  husband  would  go  where 
he  would  be  ashamed  to  take  his  wife.  I  only  wish  you 
had  been  with  me." 

"  I  truly  wish  I  had,"  she  replied. 

"  The  fact  is,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  that,  after  the  second 
plate  of  oysters,  I  started  to  come  home." 

"  Well,  you  stopped  and  got  more  oysters,  I  presume  ?  " 
my  wife  suggested. 

"  Yes,  I  believe  we  did,"  I  replied  ;  "  and  then  after 
that,  some  time  —  I  don't  know  when,  exactly  —  I  ^ot 
home.  I  am  afraid  I  ate  too  many  oysters,  my  dear,  fo  7 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  73 

have  quite  a  headache  this  morning.  Do  you  think  that 
oysters,  as  a  general  thing,  are  as  good  in  June  as  they 
are  earlier  in  the  season  ?  " 

"  I  don't  think  they  are,  especially  too  many  of  them," 
my  wife  replied,  with  a  sad  smile  ;  "  and,  my  dear,  let  me 
beg  of  you  not  to  eat  any  more  with  your  and  your  friend's 
friend.  Promise  me  that,  will  you  ?  " 

I  promised,  by  kissing  her  on  the  cheek,  as  I  smoothed 
the  hair  from  her  brow. 

"  And  you  '11  not  go  to  hear  Madame  Bishop,  or  to  see 
the  Guards  drill,  or  to  the  Winter  Garden,"  she  continued, 
"  unless  you  take  me  with  you  ?  " 

I  said  I  would  not,  and  then  —  why,  then  she  kissed 
me. 


74  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 


FIFTEENTH  INFELICITY. 

* 

SEEING   THE    SEVENTH   HOME. 

[HERE  it  is  again!"  exclaimed  my  wife,  in  her 
most  provoking  tone,  as  I  entered  the  house  at  a 
rather  late  hour  on  Saturday  evening. 

"  There  what  is  again  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Why,  your  staying  out  till  midnight,  and  eating  oysters," 
she  replied. 

"  Not  an  oyster,"  I  said  ;  "  you  are  much  mistaken  if  you 
think  I  have  tasted  of  any.  All  I  have  partaken  of  since 
my  breakfast  this  morning  has  been  a  bite  of  the  rations  of 
our  artist-soldier  friend  of  the  Seventh,  and  a  sip  of  elder 
berry  wine." 

"  Has  the  Seventh  Regiment  returned  home  ?  "  asked  my 
wife. 

"  It  has,"  I  answered,  "  and  a  noble  and  hearty  reception 
it  received." 

"  What  time  did  it  arrive  ?  "  my  wife  inquired. 

"  Oh,  about  four  o'clock,"  I  said ;  "  but  the  soldiers  did  n't 
reach  their  armory  till  late  in  the  evening.  So  I  concluded 
to  stay  down-town  and  welcome  our  friend." 

"  Yes !  that  is  always  the  way,"  she  remarked  ;  "  you  think 
nothing  of  staying  away  from  your  family,  and  witnessing 
all  the  military  displays,  while  I  am  obliged  to  remain  at 
home,  and  watch  the  children.  And  this  evening,  while 
you  've  been  enjoying  yourself,  listening  to  pleasant  conver 
sation,  I  have  been  sitting  up  for  you  till  my  head  aches, 
and  I  am  ready  to  fall  asleep." 

"  Then  why,"  I  said,  "  did  you  not  go  to  bed  ?  Now,  if 
Jhere  be  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  have 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  75 

my  wife  sit  up  for  me  when  I  am  out.  I  wish  to  gracious 
women  would  know  enough  to  go  to  bed  when  they  are 
sleepy." 

"  I  shall,  probably,"  replied  my  wife, "  follow  such  a  course 
in  future,  for  there  is  no  telling  what  will  suit  you.  I  some 
times  think  I  '11  never  again  endeavor  to  please  you,  but  will 
do  everything  for  my  own  gratification." 

"  Very  well,"  I  replied,  "  suit  yourself,  and,  of  course,  I 
shall  be  satisfied." 

"  To-day,  for  instance,"  my  wife  continued,  "  when  you 
went  away  at  morning  you  said  you  would  be  home  early, 
and  wished  me  to  have  dinner  ready  for  you  at  five  o'clock. 
I  did  have  it  ready  for  you,  and,  what  is  more,  I  had  one 
which  I  knew  you  would  like.  Some  of  the  dishes  I  pre 
pared  ;  but  five  o'clock  came  and  '  my  lord '  did  not  make 
his  appearance.  He  was  looking  at  the  Seventh  Regiment 
marching  up  Broadway,  and  never  gave  a  thought  to  his 
poor  wife  at  home,  who  was  waiting  dinner  for  him,  and 
worrying  her  life  almost  out  because,  forsooth,  it  was  spoil- 
ing." 

"  What !  the  dinner  or  the  life  ?  "  I  asked,  cruelly. 

"  Both,  my  lord,"  she  answered. 

"  Proceed,  my  lady,"  I  said  ;  "  your  lord  is  all  attention." 

"  I  have  nothing  more  to  say,"  she  added,  "  and  now  I 
think  I  will  retire.  Good  night ! " 

"  But,"  I  exclaimed,  "  I  have  not  been  to  dinner  yet,  and 
I  don't  think  it  would  be  justifiable  in  you  to  go  to  bed 
and  leave  me  here  to  starve  ;  for  if  there  be  one  thing  I 
dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  to  be  starved  to  death." 

"  I  think,"  she  answered,  "  there  is  very  little  fear  of  your 
coming  to  that  pass.  You  know  where  the  refrigerator  is, 
and  you  can  help  yourself  to  anything  you  find  in  it.  I  am 
not  going  to  set  the  table  and  get  dinner  for  you  after  mid 
night.  Besides,  you  told  me,  I  think,  that  you  had  been 
dining  with  the  artist-soldier  of  the  Seventh  off  of  his  ra 
tions.  If  that  is  the  case,  I  don't  see  why  you  should  want 
another  dinner." 


76  MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES. 

"  Good  gracious ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  I  only  said  I  had  '  a 
bite.'  You  don't  think  I  could  make  a  meal  off  of  salt 
corned  beef  and  stale  bread,  do  you  ?  " 

"  Why  not,  if  your  friend,  who  is  as  accustomed  to  good 
fare  as  you  are,  could  ?  " 

"  Oh,  that  is  very  well,"  I  replied,  "  for  you  to  say  ;  but 
remember,  he  is  used  to  it  by  this  time,  while  I  am  not.  By 
the  way,  I  brought  home,  for  your  especial  delectation,  a 
bit  of  the  ration  referred  to  ;  —  there  it  is ;  help  yourself." 

"  Why ! "  exclaimed  my  wife,  regarding  the  meat  with 
evident  surprise  and  repugnance,  "  they  have  cut  it  the 
wrong  way." 

"  Oh,"  I  replied,  "  I  imagine  it  matters  very  little  to  the 
soldiers  in  which  manner  it  is  cut,  if  they  but  get  enough 
of  it." 

"  You  don't  mean  to  say,"  my  wife  added,  "  that  our 
friend,  who  paints  such  exquisite  landscapes,  has  lived  on 
such  food  ever  since  he  has  been  away  ?  " 

"  I  mean  to  say,"  I  replied,  "  that  that  bit  of  corned  beef 
is  an  excellent  sample  of  what  the  government  provides  for 
our  soldiers.  The  quality  of  it,  I  am  assured,  is  better  than 
what  is  usually  given  out.  If  any  private  soldier  has  had 
better  food  than  that,  he  has  been  obliged  to  pay  for  it  out 
of  his  own  pocket.  I  am  inclined  to  think  that  some  of 
our  poor  fellows  don't  even  get  enough  of  inferior  rations." 

"  Then  they  must  have  a  hard  time  of  it,"  said  my  wife, 
"  and  the  government  is  to  blame.  I  have  a  great  mind  to 
offer  my  services  as  cook  to  one  of  the  regiments." 

"  That  would  be  extremely  patriotic,"  I  said  ;  "  but  it 
seems  to  me  that  patriotism,  like  charity,  should  begin  at 
home.  And  as  I  happen  to  be  greatly  in  want  of  something 
to  eat  at  this  moment,  I  wish  you  would  get  it  for  me." 

"  Can't  you  get  it  yourself,"  she  replied,  "just  as  well  as 
for  me  to  go  down-stairs  to  the  refrigerator  at  this  late 
hour.  I  am  tired,  and  half  sick,  and  don't  feel  as  if  I  could 
take  a  single  step  more  than  is  absolutely  necessary." 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  77 

"  Very  well,"  I  answered,  "  I  will  get  it  myself ;  but  I  do 
not  see  the  use  of  your  sitting  up  for  me,  if  you  won't  get 
me  anything  to  eat  when  I  come  home.  The  fact  is,  you 
have  had  your  dinner,  and  now  you  don't  care  whether  I 
have  mine  or  not" 

*  If  you  had  been  home  at  the  hour  you  promised  to  be," 
said  my  wife,  "  you  would  have  had  a  nice  dinner  ;  but  now, 
I  really  do  not  much  care  whether  you  have  any  at  all. 
Besides,  I  think  it  very  injurious  to  eat  just  as  one  is  going 
to  bed.  You  would  rest  much  better  if  you  would  go  with 
out  eating,  and  your  appetite  for  breakfast  would  be  good." 

"  That  is  certainly  the  coolest  proposition  I  have  had 
made  to  me  to-day,"  I  said.  "  Go  to  bed  without  my  din 
ner  !  You  might  as  well  ask  me  to  go  without  my  break 
fast  after  I  get  up  in  the  morning.  No,  the  fact  is,  I  am 
hungry,  and  I  want  my  dinner.  I  did  n't  get  any  down 
town,  for  I  knew  that  you  would  find  fault  with  me  if  I  did, 
and  compute  the  number  of  loaves  of  bread,  quarts  of  milk, 
pairs  of  shoes,  stockings,  and  gloves,  for  the  children,  and 
bonnets  and  silk  dresses  for  yourself,  that  the  money  for 
my  dinner  would  have  purchased.  No  matter  if  my  dinner 
had  only  cost  fifty  cents,  you  would  have  made  a  wonderful 
ado  about  it,  and  I  should  have  had  the  dyspepsia  on  ac 
count  of  it.  I  have  grown  wiser  than  when  I  was  first 
married,  and  have  learned,  if  I  would  enjoy  peace  in  my 
home,  not  to  eat  dinners  away  from  my  own  mahogany." 

"  I  am  certainly  pleased,"  my  wife  said,  "  to  hear  you 
speak  thus  ;  but  I  should  like  to  have  you  act  up  to  what 
you  say.  I  have  not  seen  a  week  since  we  were  married, 
but  that  you  have  dined  out  once,  if  not  oftener,  in  it.  You 
have  taken  dinner  down-town  twice,  to  my  knowledge,  this 
very  week,  and  I  am  not  certain  that  you  have  gone  with 
out  your  dinner  to-day.  At  all  events,  it  seems  hardly 
probable.  As  for  me,  how  many  times,  let  me  ask,  have  I 
dined  away  from  home  without  you,  in  the  fifteen  long 
years  we  have  been  married  ?  I  don't  think  it  has  been 


78  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

half  a  dozen  times,  and  yet  you  find  fault  with  me  for  not 
getting  dinner  for  you  at  midnight" 

"  Really,"  I  said,  "  I  don't  see  the  relation  between  the 
first  part  of  your  sentence  and  its  conclusion.  I  can't  un 
derstand  what  your  dining  out  has  to  do  with  getting  din 
ner  for  me  at  this  hour."  * 

"  That  is  always  the  way  you  seek  to  avoid  an  explanation 
with  me.  If  the  grammatical  construction  of  my  remark 
does  n't  please  you,  why,  I  can't  help  it.  You  can  arrange 
it  to  suit  yourself,  while  you  are  getting  your  own  dinner ; 
but,  for  my  part,  I  will  bid  you  good-night,  for  I  am  going 
to  bed." 

And  she  Trent. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  79 


SIXTEENTH  INFELICITY. 

MT   WIFE    WANTS    COUNTRY   AIR. 

you  want  to  go  into  the  country,  do  you  ?  "  I 
said  to  my  amiable  spouse,  as  she  busied  herself  in 
arranging  the  trimming  on  our  little  girl's  bonnet. 
The  little  one  herself  had  just  asked  her  mother  if  she 
were  to  wear  that  bonnet  when  she  went  to  see  grand 
mother. 

"  Yes,"  my  wife  replied,  "  I  think  it  would  be  of  benefit 
to  the  children.  They,  as  well  as  myself,  need  change  of 
air." 

"  I  suppose  you  have  fully  decided  when  and  where  to 
go,"  I  said. 

"  No,"  she  answered  ;  "  I  meant  first  to  consult  with  you 
before  I  came  to  any  decision." 

"  "Well,  that  was  wise  in  you,  at  least,"  I  replied,  "  for  my 
private  opinion  is  that  you  won't  see  the  country  this  year, 
at  all  events.  I  don't  understand,  either,  why  you  can't 
remain  in  the  city  just  as  well  as  I.  You  never  hear  me 
talk  of  going  into  the  country.  Why,  I  should  as  soon 
think  of  going  to  Africa.  The  city  is  always  much  cooler 
than  the  country,  and  everything  which  serves  to  make  life 
endurable  is  to  be  found  in  town,  while  out  of  it  you  can 
get  nothing.  If  there  be  one  place  I  dislike  more  than 
another,  it  is  the  country." 

"  But  remember,  my  dear,"  said  my  wife,  "  that  you  very 
often  go  into  the  country  for  a  day  or  two  at  a  time  on 
business,  but  I  never  obtain  such  a  change." 

"  Good  gracious ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  I  don't  see  why  you 
should.  You  have  everything  provided  for  you,  and  have 


80  MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES. 

nothing  to  do  but  stay  at  home  and  enjoy  yourself,  while  I 
must  run  the  risk  of  losing  my  life  on  railroads  in  attend 
ing  to  business,  so  as  to  enable  me  to  provide  for  you  and 
the  children." 

"  You  find  time  though,  on  these  occasions,"  my  wife 
said,  "  to  get  a  few  hours'  fishing  or  shooting ;  so  it  is  not 
always  business  alone  that  keeps  you  away." 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  suppose  I  do  occasionally  steal  an  hour 
from  business  to  shoot  or  fish,  have  n't  I  a  perfect  right  to 
do  so  ?  You  speak  as  if  it  were  a  sin.  I  'm  certain  I  work 
hard  enough  after  I  get  back  to  pay  for  the  indulgence. 
You  wives,  though,  think  that  husbands  ought  to  do  noth 
ing  else  but  work  for  their  families.  And  whether  the 
weather  be  hot  or  cold,  it  matters  little  to  you  ;  but  the 
moment  June  arrives,  you,  forsooth,  begin  to  talk  about  the 
heat,  and  your  health,  and  change  of  air  for  the  children, 
and  summer  complaints  ;  and  hint,  and  insinuate,  and  sug 
gest,  and  finally  declare,  that  you  must  go  into  the  country 
to  escape  that  boisterous  Fourth  of  July,  with  its  noise  and 
dirt.  You  want  to  go  only  for  a  few  days,  but  as  soon  as 
you  get  away  you  settle  yourselves  down  for  the  entire 
summer  under  green  trees ;  and  when  we  poor  husbands 
write  for  you  to  come  home,  after  the  Fourth  is  passed, 
you  answer  that  it  would  be  dangerous  to  take  the  children 
back  to  the  city  until  the  cool  weather  arrives.  So  the 
result  is  that  we  husbands  destroy  our  health  by  hard 
work  and  partaking  of  eating-house  dinners,  while  you  sit 
in  muslin  gowns,  and  read  new  novels,  and  eat  strawberries 
and  cream,  and  enjoy  yourselves  generally,  without  cares 
»r  annoyances  of  any  kind." 

"  "Well,  I  confess,"  said  my  wife,  "  that  you  have  drawn  a 
graphic  picture,  but  one  that  is  scarcely  correct.  For  my 
part,  I  have  my  cares  and  troubles  when  in  the  country  as 
well  as  I  do  in  town ;  but  the  change  of  life  is  agreeable 
and  beneficial,  and  enables  me  to  endure  the  confinement 
which  is  mine  the  rest  of  the  year." 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  81 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  I  don't  see  how  you  will  be  able  to  go 
this  season  ;  the  times  are  so  hard  I  can  scarcely  obtain 
money  enough  to  enable  us  to  live  at  home.  You  know, 
as  well  as  I  do,  that  I  have  met  with  serious  losses  during 
the  last  few  months,  and  how  I  can  spare  a  cent  for  un 
necessary  expenses  is  more  than  I  can  tell." 

"  I  shall  not  require  more  than  a  few  hundred  dollars," 
said  my  wife,  "  to  get  ready  with  ;  and  then  our  board  iu 
the  country  will  not  be  much." 

"•  I  don't  wish  to  hear  you  say  any  more  about  it,"  I 
said.  "  I  can't  give  you  a  few  hundred  dollars,  and  you 
must  content  yourself  with  remaining  in  town  this  summer. 
Oh,  you  need  n't  look  so  glum  about  it,  for  it  can't  be 
helped." 

"  I  suppose,"  my  wife  said,  "  that  if  my  mother  invites 
me  and  the  children  to  visit  her,  that  you  will  not  object  to 
our  going,  especially  as  it  will  not  cost  anything  for  board, 
and  our  entire  expenses  for  the  whole  three  months  will 
be  scarcely  a  hundred  dollars." 

"  I  had  rather  pay  for  your  board  for  a  year,"  I  said,  "  at 
a  fashionable  hotel,  than  have  you  spend  a  week  in  that 
miserable  village  where  your  mother  lives.  I  don't  see 
why  you  can't  be  contented  to  stay  at  home  with  me, 
instead  of  forever  wanting  to  be  visiting  your  mother. 
Why  it  seems  to  me  as  if  you  were  there  only  the  other 
day,  and  now  you  wish  to  go  and  spend  the  summer  with 
her.  This  is  another  of  your  mother's  confounded  con 
spiracies  against  my  happiness.  What  she,  who  has  two  or 
three  daughters  at  home  with  her,  wants  you  there,  too, 
for,  I  don't  know.  I  should  think  she  would  be  glad  that 
you  were  off  her  hands.  As  for  her  having  the  children 
under  her  control,  I  won't  consent  to  it.  She  spoils  them 
by  indulgence,  and  destroys  all  the  good  effects  of  my 
teachings.  What  grandmothers  were  invented  for,  I  don't 
know.  If  there  be  one  class  of  persons  I  dislike  more 
than  another,  it  is  grandmothers." 

G 


82  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  I  am  inclined  to  think,"  said  my  wife,  maliciously, 
"  that  if  it  had  not  been  for  you,  my  dear  mother  would 
not  now  have  been  a  grandmother.  So  that  you  have  your 
self  to  blame,  after  all,  simply  because  you  married  me." 

"  Pshaw  ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  if  I  had  not  married  you, 
some  one  else  would,  and  then  the  old  lady,  I  have  no 
doubt,  would  have  been  grandmother  to  a  lot  of  ugly  imps 
with  red  hair." 

"  I  wish,"  said  my  wife,  "  that  you  would  not  speak  to  me 
in  that  way ;  and,  moreover,  I  don't  think  it  respectful  in 
you  to  call  my  mother  an  old  lady." 

"  I  may  be  mistaken,"  I  said,  "  but  it  seems  to  me  that  a 
woman  of  sixty  has  a  right  to  be  called  old.  Why,  I  some 
times  look  at  you,  and  imagine  I  perceive  traces  of  age  on 
your  face." 

"  I  am  not  so  old  as  you  are,  at  all  events,"  said  my  wife ; 
"  and  if  age  is  leaving  its  marks  upon  me,  it  is  owing  to  your 
unkindly  treatment.  But  I  should  like  to  know  whether  I 
can  take  the  children  and  make  my  mother  a  visit." 

"  How  do  you  know  that  your  mother  wants  you  ?  "  I 
asked. 

"  Because,"  my  wife  replied,  "  she  has  written  for  us  to 
come." 

"  I  thought  so,"  I  said.  "  Then  all  your  talk  about  going 
into  the  country  to  board  was  mere  moonshine  ?  " 

"  No,"  she  answered,  "  for  I  had  rather  go  elsewhere 
than  to  my  mother's,  because  I  think  she  has  cares  enough 
without  my  adding  to  them.  But  still  I  think  it  would  be 
more  advisable  for  me  to  go  to  my  mother's  than  to  remain 
in  the  city  during  the  hot  weather. 

"  Well,  now,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  listen  to  me.  I  have 
invited  my  sister  and  her  family  to  pass  the  month  of  July 
with  us,  and  I  received  a  letter  to-day  from  her,  saying  that 
she  will  be  here  on  the  first  of  the  month  ;  so,  under  the 
circumstances,  I  don't  see  how  it  will  be  possible  for  you  to 
leave  home  until  August,  and  then,  if  you  like,  you  can 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  83 

spend  a  few  weeks  with  your  mother.  My  sister  has  not 
been  here  since  last  autumn,  and  her  boys  were  anxious  to 
spend  the  coming  Fourth  of  July  in  the  city.  I  knew  it 
would  be  an  agreeable  change  for  her  and  them,  as  the 
country  is  dull  enough  where  they  live,  and  the  Fourth  is 
always  a  stupid  day  in  their  vicinity.  I  ordered  to-day,"  I 
continued,  not  heeding  the  sad  looks  of  my  wife,  nor  seem 
ing  to  notice  the  tears  that  filled  her  eyes,  "  fifty  dollars' 
worth  of  fireworks,  which  I  think  will  be  enough  to  keep 
her  six  boys  busy  all  the  Fourth.  You  look  as  if  you 
did  n't  think  that  quantity  would  be  sufficient  for  them,"  I 
said,  as  with  a  clouded  brow  she  turned  her  face  from  me, 
gazing  out  of  the  window,  toward  the  setting  sun,  which 
was,  doubtless,  just  at  that  moment  sinking  behind  the 
mountains  which  shelter  the  village  where  her  mother 
lives.  "  I  will  order  more  if  you  deem  it  necessary." 

"  Do  as  you  think  best,"  she  replied ;  "  I  have  nothing 
to  say." 

"  But  what  do  you  think  about  it  ?  "  I  still  persisted. 

"  I  think  fifty  dollars  enough,"  she  said,  "  to  throw  away 
in  fireworks,  in  such  hard  times  as  these." 

"  Well,"  I  cried,  "  I  am  glad  to  see  you  have  grown 
economical  within  a  few  minutes.  By  the  way,  you  had 
better  write  to  your  mother  and  tell  her  you  can't  go  to 
her  at  present ;  but  in  August,  if  the  times  are  better,  and 
I  can  spare  the  money,  you  shall  certainly  go." 

"  I  don't  desire  to  go  at  all,  now,"  she  replied  ;  "  it  is  not 
likely  that  I  shall  be  able  or  well  enough  to  get  ready  to  go 
anywhere,  after  having  waited  a  month  on  your  sister  and 
her  six  great  boys." 

"  Now,  you  had  better  sulk  a  little,"  I  said.  "  It  has 
always  been  just  so,  since  we  were  married :  I  can't  invite 
any  of  my  relations  here  but  you  get  vexed  about  it.  At 
all  events,  my  sister  and  '  her  six  great  boys,'  as  you  call 
them,  are  coming  here,  and  you  '11  have  to  make  the  best 
of  it." 


84  MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES. 

My  wife  said  nothing  in  rejoinder,  but  laid  down,  with  a 
sigh,  the  bonnet  she  had  been  re-trimming  for  the  little 
girl  to  wear,  when  she  should  go  to  visit  her  grandmother, 
and,  putting  her  handkerchief  to  her  eyes,  left  the  room. 

"  That  thing  is  got  along  with,"  I  said  to  myself,  as  the 
door  closed  behind  my  wife ;  "  and  now,  let  me  light  my 
cigar,  and  read  the  evening  papers." 

But,  somehow,  I  could  find  nothing  in  the  papers  suffi 
ciently  interesting  to  keep  my  thoughts  from  wandering  to 
my  amiable  wife.  I  puffed  furiously  at  my  cigar,  in  the 
hope  that  by  so  doing  I  should  soothe  my  irritability  ;  but 
it  was  of  no  avail,  and  so  as  a  last  resort  I  went  and  found 
my  wife,  with  whom  I  made  a  treaty  of  peace. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  85 


SEVENTEENTH   INFELICITY. 

• 

I    ORDER   A    DINNER. 

I Y  the  by,  my  dear,"  I  said  to  my  wife,  as  1  drew  on 
my  gloves  preparatory  to  going  down-town  the 
other  morning,  "  I  very  nearly  forgot  to  tell  you 
that  I  have  asked  three  or  four  friends  to  dine  with  me  to 
day." 

"  You  don't  mean  to  say,"  exclaimed  my  wife,  "  that  you 
have  asked  them  to  come  home  with  you  to  dinner  ?  " 

"  I  certainly  do  not  mean  to  say  anything  else,"  I  an 
swered.  "  Where  should  they  dine  with  me,  if  not  at  my 
own  table,  I  should  like  to  know  ?  " 

"  Why,  I  thought,"  she  replied,  "  you  had  perhaps  asked 
them  to  take  dinner  with  you  at  the  '  MAISON  DOREE,'  of 
which  I  hear  you  talk." 

"  I  don't  see  why,"  I  replied,  "  you  should  think  any  such 
thing.  The  fact  is,  you  think  a  great  deal  too  much.  If 
you  would  do  more,  and  think  less,  my  home  would  be 
much  pleasanter  than  it  is." 

"  I  am  sure,"  said  my  wife,  "  I  do  much  more  than  I  am 
able  to,  and  how  I  am  going  to  prepare  dinner  for  your 
company  to-day  I  do  not  know.  I  wish,  my  dear,  you  would 
not  invite  gentlemen  to  dine  with  you,  unless  you  let  me 
know  of  it  at  least  the  day  before.  I  am  not  always  pre 
pared  to  entertain  company  at  a  few  hours'  notice,  and  to 
day,  especially,  it  is  very  inconvenient." 

"  Good  gracious ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  I  should  really  like  to 
know  when  it  has  ever  been  convenient.  I  do  not  remem 
ber,  during  the  many  years  of  our  marriage,  of  once  invit- 


86  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

ing  a  friend  to  dine  with  me  but  you  declared  it  to  be 
inconvenient.  Now,  if  there  be  one  word  I  dislike  more 
than  another,  it  is  the  word  inconvenient" 

"  Well,  my  dear,"  she  said,  "  I  will  do  the  best  I  can  ;  but 
I  regret  extremely  that  you  selected  this  day." 

"  Why  this  day  more  than  any  other  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Because  it  i§  washing-day,  and  it  will  be  almost  impos 
sible  to  prepare  a  handsome  dinner,  and  do  the  cashing  at 
the  same  time." 

•'  Well,  let  the  washing  go,  then,"  I  said.  "  Who  cares  ! 
I  suppose  it  will  keep  till  to-morrow,  —  won't  it  ?  " 

"  But  the  servant  has  already  commenced  it,"  she  an 
swered. 

•"  Then  tell  her  to  stop,  if  you  want  her  to  assist  you  in 
getting  dinner,"  I  said.  "  I  suppose  she  can  let  the  clothes 
soak,  —  can 't  she  ?  " 

"  I  presume  she  will  be  obliged  to,"  my  wife  replied  ; 
"  but  she  will  be  terribly  cross  about  it,  and  I  dare  say,  be 
fore  the  dinner  is  ready,  she  will  drive  me  distracted." 

"  Well,  if  she  don't  like  it,"  I  said,  "  tell  her  to  go.  I 
would  n't  be  ruled  by  servants,  any  way." 

•'  I  don't  see  that  sending  her  away  will  help  me  in  the 
least,"  she  replied,  "  as  in  that  case  I  should  have  the  din 
ner  to  prepare  alone,  besides  a  prospect  of  doing  the 
washing  to-morrow." 

"  Pshaw ! "  I  exclaimed.  "  You  know  very  well  that  you 
will  not  have  to  do  any  such  thing ;  but  you  like  to  say  so, 
just  to  make  me  think  that  you  will  have  a  terrible  time 
getting  dinner  for  five  or  six  persons." 

"  Five  or  six  !  "  exclaimed  my  wife.  "  I  thought  you 
said  three  or  four." 

"  Well,  now  I  say,"  I  added,  "  five  or  six ;  and  if  that 
is  n't  satisfactory,  I  '11  make  it  seven  or  eight.  I  am  sure  I 
am  not  particular." 

"  It  will  make  very  little  difference  to  me,"  my  wife  re 
plied,  "  whether  a  dozen  come.  I  will  see  that  everything 


MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES.  87 

you  provide  for  the  dinner  is  properly  prepared  and  placed 
on  the  table ;  but  for  more  than  that  I  cannot  answer." 

"  Well,  you  certainly  are  a  pretty  wife,"  I  said,  "  if  you 
expect  that  I  am  going  to  neglect  my  business  down-town 
by  stopping  at  the  market  to  select  the  materials  of  a 
dinner.  I  think  if  I  give  you  the  money  to  purchase  what 
ever  is  necessary,  you  will  attend  to  that  part  of  the  matter 
yourself." 

"  Now,  my  dear,"  my  wife  answered,  "  it  will  be  utterly 
impossible  for  me  to  go  to  market,  and  also  attend  to  mak 
ing  pastry,  and  overseeing  the  cleaning  of  the  silver,  the 
sweeping  of  the  parlors,  and  a  hundred  other  little  matters 
of  which  you  have  no  idea.  No,  you  must  order  from 
market  whatever  you  wish,  and  also  see  that  it  is  sent 
home.  It  is  now  nearly  ten  o'clock,  and  this  dinner,  which, 
to  be  properly  prepared,  ought  to  have  my  undivided 
attention  for  two  days,  must  be  gotten  up  in  six  or  seven 
hours." 

"  Good  gracious ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  what  a  fuss  you  are 
making  about  a  little  dinner.  One  would  think  that  we 
never  dined  at  all.  Why,  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  cook  a 
trifle  more  meat  and  vegetables  than  usual.  It  don't  seem 
much  of  a  task  to  me." 

"Very  well,"  said  my  wife;  "just  send  home  from  the 
market  the  trifle  more  meat  and  vegetables  which  you 
think  will  suffice,  and  I  will  attend  to  having  them  cooked." 

"  Very  well,"  I  said,  "  I  will  try  to  remember  to  stop  at 
the  market ;  but  if  the  meat  and  vegetables  don't  come  in 
an  hour  or  so,  you  had  better  send,  or  go  yourself,  to  see 
about  them.  You  know  well  enough,  my  dear,  that  if 
there  be  one  thing  I  dislike  doing  more  than  another,  it  is 
going  to  the  market  Good-bye !  Let  dinner  be  ready 
precisely  at  six  o'clock,  and  set  the  table  for  six  persons 
beside  ourselves." 

"  Stop,  my  dear,"  my  wife  cried ;  "  you  have  not  told  me 
what  you  intend  to  have  for  dinner." 


88  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  Yes  I  have,"  I  replied :  "  meat  and  vegetables." 

"  But  what  kind  of  meat,"  persisted  my  wife,  "  and  what 
vegetables  ?  Will  you  have  fish  and  soup  ?  and  straw 
berries  and  jellies  ?  and  pies  and  tarts  ?  and  what  wine 
will  you  have  put  on  the  ice?" 

"  I  declare,"  I  said,  ''  your  questions  will  drive  me  crazy. 
Get  the  dinner  to  suit  yourself.  Have  fish  and  soup,  and 
all  the  other  things  you  asked  about ;  but  don't  trouble  me 
with  kitchen-matters.  Talk  to  the  cook,  if  you  wish  to 
consult  some  one,  and  let  me  rest  in  peace." 

Again  I  said  good-bye,  and  went  toward  the  door. 

'•  Suppose,  before  you  go,"  said  my  amiable  spouse,  "  you 
give  me  some  money,  for  I  shall  be  obliged  to  use  consid 
erable  in  getting  this  dinner.  Every  dinner  costs  money, 
and  such  a  one  as  will  satisfy  you  cannot  be  prepared  for 
nothing." 

"  You  are,  certainly,"  I  said,  "  the  most  importunate 
woman  I  ever  met.  I  really  have  done  nothing  for  a 
month  past  but  give  you  money.  Well,  how  much  do  you 
want?  Come,  don't  keep  me  standing  here  forever,  while 
you  add  up  on  your  fingers.  Can't  you  say  at  once  how 
much  you  require,  and  be  done  with  it  ?  " 

"  I  was  trying,"  she  replied,  "  to  calculate  the  sum  ne 
cessary  ;  but "  — 

"  Don't,  for  gracious  sake,"  I  interrupted,  "  have  any 
'  huts '  in  your  answer.  There,  take  those  bills,"  I  added, 
placing  some  bank-notes  into  her  hands  ;  "  use  what  are 
necessary,  and  with  the  remainder  buy  the  summer  silk 
for  which  you  have  been  teasing  me  for  days  past." 

My  wife  examined  the  bills,  smiled  sadly,  and,  shaking 
her  head,  said,  — 

'•  There  is  barely  sufficient  here  to  pay  for  the  dinner." 

"  It  is  all  I  have,"  I  said,  "  to  spare  at  present,  and  if  it 
be  not  sufficient  to  pay  for  both  dinner  and  silk  dress,  why, 
T  am  afraid  you  will  have  to  do  without  the  dress." 

"  I  wish,"  said   my  wife,  "  you  were  not  going  to   give 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  89 

this  dinner.  It  will  cost  a  great  deal  of  money,  and  I  have 
no  doubt  but  that  the  anxiety  and  care  I  shall  have  to 
undergo  in  attending  to  it  will  make  me  ill." 

"  Oh,  yes,"  I  cried,  "  that  is  just  the  way  you  women 
always  talk.  If  you  don't  have  money  with  which  to  buy 
silks  and  laces  whenever  you  fancy  to  have  them,  why  you 
immediately  declare  yourselves  to  be  ill.  I  have  seen  too 
much  of  that  kind  of  thing  since  I  was  married  to  be 
greatly  affected  by  it.  I  suppose  your  head  aches  now, 
does  n't  it,  love  ?  " 

"  Yes,  it  does,"  she  replied, "  and  how  I  am  going  to  keep 
up  through  the  day  I  don't  know.  It  is  not  at  all  probable 
I  shall  be  able  to  be  present  at  the  dinner,  and  how  you 
will  get  along  without  me  I  can't  possibly  imagine." 

"  Oh,  we  '11  manage  well  enough,"  I  replied  ;  "  don't  give 
yourself  any  uneasiness  on  that  account.  Keep  cool,  my 
love,  and  get  the  dinner  upon  the  table,  and  I  '11  see  to  the 
rest." 

My  wife  sighed. 

"  I  will  do  the  best  I  can,"  she  said  ;  "  but  oh,  I  do  wish 
you  had  not  invited  your  friends  to-day.  I  want  the  dinner 
to  look  and -taste  as  well  as  it  is  possible  for  any  to  be ;  but 
the  time  I  have  to  prepare  it  in  is  so  short  that  I  doubt  if 
I  can  do  justice  to  it." 

It  was  evident  to  me  that  my  wife  really  feared  the 
dinner  might  prove  a  failure.  So,  after  a  moment's  hesita 
tion,  I  said,  — 

'•  My  dear,  is  the  money  which  I  have  just  given  you 
sufficient  to  purchase  your  summer  silk  ?  " 

My  wife  brightened  up  immediately. 

"  Oh,  yes,"  she  answered,  "  more  than  enough." 

'•  Very  well,  then,"  I  replied,  "  use  it  for  that  purpose, 
and  let  the  dinner  go." 

"  No !  "  she  said,  "  you  and  your  friends  would  be  disap 
pointed.  The  dinner  will  be  ready  at  six  o'clock." 

"  Confound  the  dinner !  "  I  said.     "  I  won't  give  it  at  all. 


90  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

It  has  already  caused  me  more  trouble  than  it  is  worth. 
Besides,  you  are  not  well  enough  to  see  to  it,  and  I  '11  tell 
my  friends  that  you  are  ill." 

"  But  that  will  be  scarcely  true,"  she  said ;  "  although  I 
am  not  well,  I  am  far  from  being  ill." 

"  Never  heed  that,"  I  said ;  "  my  mind  is  made  up.  So 
you  need  not  think  any  more  about  dinner.  I  have  decided 
to  dine  at  the  '  MAISON  DOR£E  '  with  my  friends,  so  that 
they  will  not  be  disappointed  after  all." 

"  Except,"  said  my  wife,  smiling,  "  in  not  having  me  to 
preside  at  the  table." 

"  True,  my  dear,"  I  replied ;  "  but  then  we  will  toast 
you  in  a  goblet  of  the  '  Flower  of  Neckar.' " 

And  we  did  so. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  91 


EIGHTEENTH  INFELICITY. 

WHERE    SHALL    WE    PASS    THE    FOURTH? 


|§&5  ON'T,  my  dear,  say  another  word  about  it,"  I  said 
4g  If  to  my  amiable  wife,  in  answer  to  a  desire  she  ex 
pressed  to  go  to  the  sea-shore  with  my  sister,  to 


pass  the  Fourth  of  July.  "  I  can't  help  it  if  my  sister 
and  her  four  boys  have  decided  to  visit  the  sea-shore 
before  coming  here  ;  it  is  no  reason  why  you  and  your  girls 
should  go.  The  other  day  it  appeared  to  me  as  if  you  did 
not  care  to  see  my  sister  at  all,  and  now  you  want  to  leave 
home  to  go  where  she  is.  For  my  part  I  never  could  find 
any  pleasure  at  the  sea-shore ;  the  beach  is  always  hot, 
sandy,  and  shadeless.  Then  you  get  your  feet  wet,  and 
take  cold,  and  have  the  consumption,  and  die.  Now,  if 
there  be  one  place  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  the 
sea-shore." 

"  Well,  then,"  said  my  wife,  "  suppose  we  go  into  the 
country,  and  pass  the  day  at  a  quiet  farm-house,  where  we 
can  have  fresh  milk,  and  eggs,  and  all  those  kind  of 
things  ?  " 

"  AVhat  do  you  mean,  I  should  like  to  know,"  I  replied, 
"  by  '  all  those  kind  of  things  '  ?  " 

"  Why,  vegetables  just  from  the  garden,  and  mint,"  she 
answered. 

"  Mint! "  I  exclaimed.    "  What  should  I  do  with  mint  ?  " 

"  Why,  use  it  in  a  julep,"  she  said.  "  I  am  sure  I  have 
often  heard  you  speak  of  mint-juleps,  and,  if  the  mint  be 
freshly  gathered,  I  suppose  it  makes  a  better  julep." 

"  I  don't  believe  it,"  I  replied ;  "  but,  at  all  events,  that  is 


92  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

the  best  reason  you  have  yet  given  for  our  going  into  the 
country.  After  all,  though,  the  country  is  not  the  place 
for  me :  farm-houses  are  miserable  affairs,  low-roofed,  hot, 
and  abounding  with  spiders.  They  are  always  small,  and 
you  can't  turn  round  in  one  without  rubbing  your  coat 
against  its  whitewashed  walls,  or  knocking  off  your  hat 
passing  through  the  low  doorways.  Really,  if  there  be 
one  place  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  a  farm-house. 
Think  of  something  else,  —  can't  you  ?  " 

My  wife  sighed. 

"  Why  do  you  sigh  ?  "  I  asked.  "  You  are  always  sigh 
ing  or  weeping ;  why  don't  you  take  matters  easily,  as  I 
do,  and  not  be  forever  making  yourself  miserable  ?  Come, 
have  you  thought  of  some  other  place  to  pass  the  Fourth 
at?" 

"  Why  not  go,"  she  replied,  "  to  our  friend  the  Colonel's 
place,  up  the  Hudson.  He  has  often  invited  us,  and  I 
have  no  doubt,  he  would  be  pleased  to  see  us.  He  lives, 
you  know,  not  far  from  the  Catskills,  and  we  might  ride  in 
the  afternoon  to  the  Mountain  House." 

"  It  is  not  a  bad  idea,"  I  said,  "  but  unfortunately  the 
Colonel  is  with  his  regiment  at  Washington,  and  I  don't 
think  his  housekeeper  would  be  particularly  glad  to  see  us ; 
at  all  events,  I  have  no  desire  to  see  her,  for  if  there  be 
one  class  of  females  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  house 
keepers." 

"  And  yet,"  said  my  wife,  maliciously,  "  you  often  wish  I 
were  a  good  housekeeper." 

I  paid  no  attention  to  this  remark,  but  continued,  — 

"  After  all,  I  don't  see  that  we  can  do  better  than  to  re 
main  at  home.  I  will  invite  a  few  friends  to  dinner,  and 
in  the  evening  we  can  have  fireworks  and  be  patriotic." 

"  Don't,  please,  ask  any  one  to  dinner,"  my  wife  said. 
"  The  very  thought  of  being  obliged  to  get  dinner  on  the 
FOURTH  OF  JULY,  which  is  always  a  hot  day,  and  made 
up  of  excitement,  makes  me  ill.  Still,  I  would  rather  get 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  93 

dinner  for  you  than  have  you  give  a  dinner  away  from 
home,  as  you  did  the  other  evening.  Two  days'  sickness 
such  as  was  yours  after  it,  to  say  nothing  of  the  money  it 
cost,  and  the  trouble  and  care  I  had  in  waiting  on  you,  was 
paying  rather  too  much  for  a  dinner." 

"  But  you  forced  me  into  it,"  I  rejoined ;  "  you  know 
well  enough  that  I  preferred  to  have  the  dinner  at  home, 
and  if  you  had  not  made  such  an  ado  about  attending  to  it, 
I  should.  Then,  too,  I  would  not  have  been  sick,  and  you 
would  not  have  been  obliged  to  sit  at  my  bedside  for  two 
days.  Somehow  French  dishes  never  agree  with  me :  I 
presume  because  they  are  so  highly  seasoned.  I  arn  con 
vinced  that  plainer  dishes,  such  as  you  prepare,  are  health 
ier.  Don't  you  think  so  ?  " 

"  Certainly,"  my  wife  answered ;  "  but  I  am  not  sure  the 
French  dishes  were  to  blame  so  much  as  the  French 
wines." 

"  Now,  my  dear,"  I  exclaimed,  "  you  must  not  attempt 
to  injure  the  reputation  of  French  wines,  for  of  them  I 
drank  comparatively  little.  I  partook  sparingly,  however, 
of  German  and  Spanish  wines,  also,  as  well  as  several  of 
American  production." 

"  My  dear,  you  need  say  no  more,"  my  wife  replied.  "  I 
am  satisfied.  I  was  in  error  when  I  attributed  your  illness 
solely  to  French  wines ;  but,"  she  continued,  "  we  have  not 
settled  as  to  where  we  shall  go  to  pass  the  Fourth." 

"  I  have,"  I  replied.  "  I  am  going  to  remain  at  home, 
and  I  shall  invite  a  few  friends  to  spend  the  evening  with 
me  ;  you  can  remain  with  me,  or  go  wherever  you  like, 
provided  you  take  the  children  with  you." 

"  Very  well,  then,"  my  wife  said ;  "  I  think  I  will  go  and 
see  my  mother." 

"  Go,  then,"  I  exclaimed  ;  "  but,  remember,  you  need  n't 
come  back  in  one  while.  When  I  want  you  I  '11  send  for 
you.  Don't  you  think  you  had  better  start  to-day  ?  "  I  sug 
gested. 


94  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

11  Perhaps  I  had,"  my  wife  replied,  in  her  coolest  manner. 
"  If  I  can  get  the  children's  clothes  ready,  I  will.  As  for 
myself,  I  am  prepared  to  go  at  an  instant's  notice.  The 
truth  is,  if  you  would  like  to  know  it,  that  my  trunk  has 
been  packed  a  week." 

I  confess  my  wife  rather  surprised  me  by  her  answer, 
and,  to  tell  the  truth,  pained  me  by  the  way  in  which  she 
spoke.  I  did  not  believe  she  would  be  willing  to  leave  me 
alone  at  home,  lest  I  might  be  sick,  or  some  evil  befall  me. 
So  I  said,  though  not  as  boldly  as  I  had  heretofore  spoken, 

"  Well,  my  dear,  the  boat  leaves  at  six  o'clock,  and  you 
have  all  day  in  which  to  prepare  for  your  journey.  I  will 
be  at  the  boat  at  that  hour  to  bid  you  good-bye  ;  but  I  really 
think  you  had  better  postpone  going  for  a  day  or  two,  until 
you  get  your  new  silk,  and  the  children  have  a  larger  sum 
mer  wardrobe  prepared." 

"  No ! "  she  replied,  decidedly,  "  I  will  start  to-day.  ,1 
shall  not  require  the  silk  dress  if  I  go  to  my  mother's,  and 
the  money  which  you  gave  me  to  purchase  it  with  I  still 
have,  nor  shall  I  require  any  more  for  some  time.  I  really 
wish,  though,"  she  continued,  her  manner  and  tone  evi 
dently  softening,  "  that  you  were  going  with  us.  I  know 
my  mother  would  be  glad  to  see  you,  and  the  girls  would 
be  delighted." 

"  I  can't  help  it,"  I  said.  "  I  would  n't  go  for  a  thousand 
dollars.  Your  mother  does  n't  like  me,  nor  I  her ;  and 
as  for  your  sisters,  I  hate  the  whole  batch  of  them.  Why 
they  don't  get  married,  so  that  they  would  have  something 
else  to  do  besides  forever  writing  to  you,  coaxing  you  back 
to  their  old-maids'  home,  I  can't  imagine." 

"  My  sisters  are  not  old,  as  you  know  very  well.  They 
are  younger  than  I  am,  and  I  am  not  yet  thirty." 

"  Well,  I  like  that,"  I  said.  "  Why,  you  owned  to  twenty 
the  day  I  married  you,  and  that  was  fifteen  years  ago.  Oh, 
I  am  a  better  judge  of  ages  than  you,  and  can  tell  an  old 
maid  from  a  school-girl  the  moment  I  see  her." 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  95 

"  Well,"  exclaimed  my  wife,  resignedly,  "  I  will  not  argue 
the  point  with  you ;  but  I  tell  you  my  sisters  are  not  old 
maids." 

"  At  all  events,'  they  are  old,"  I  said,  "  whatever  else  they 
may  be." 

My  wife,  seemingly,  paid  no  attention  to  my  last  words, 
but  asked,  — 

"  Where  does  the  boat  start  from  ?  " 

"  From  its  usual  pier,"  I  replied.  "  I  don't  remember  its 
number ;  but  you,  who  have  sailed  from  it  so  often,  ought 
to  know." 

"  I  presume  I  shall  be  able  to  find  it,"  she  said  ;  "  and  lest 
you  should  not,  I  will  bid  you  good-bye  now.  I  have  to  get 
the  children  ready  for  the  journey,  and  must  leave  you." 

She  bent  forward,  as  if  to  kiss  me,  but  I  simply  said 
"  Good-bye  ! "  and  taking  my  hat,  went  out  of  the  door  into 
the  street.  As  I  passed  out  of  the  court-yard,  I  lifted  my 
eyes  toward  the  window,  and  saw  her  standing  there.  She 
raised  her  hand  to  her  lips,  as  our  eyes  met,  and  threw  me 
a  kiss  from  the  tips  of  her  fingers.  I  took  no  heed  of  the 
action,  but,  slamming  the  gate  behind  me,  I  strode  toward 
the  avenue.  When  I  reached  the  corner,  I  hailed  a  pass 
ing  omnibus,  and  was  on  the  point  of  stepping  into  it,  when, 
chancing  to  look  back,  I  saw  my  wife  standing  at  the  gate, 
waving  her  handkerchief.  I  told  the  driver  to  go  on  ;  but, 
as  for  myself,  I  walked  back  to  the  house. 

"  So  I  forgot  my  handkerchief,  did  I  ?  "  I  aske^ 

"  Oh,  no,"  she  replied,  "  this  is  mine." 

"  Very  well,"  I  said.  "  What  the  deuce  did  I  return  for, 
then  ? " 

"  I  am  sure  I  don't  know,"  she  said,  half  laughing,  "  if 
you  don't." 

"  I  think  I  must  have  left  something  behind  me,  in  the 
house,"  I  said,  as,  with  my  wife  on  my  arm,  I  walked  up  the 
court-yard. 

"  It  would  be  like  you  to  do  so,"  my  wife  continued ; 
"  but  what  can  it  be  ?  " 


96  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  Can't  you  guess  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Perhaps  I  can,"  she  answered. 

"  Then  give  it  to  me,"  I  continued. 

My  wife  bent  forward,  and  —  we  kissed  each  other. 

"  You  will  scarcely  be  able  to  start  to-day,  I  think,"  I  said, 
after  a  pause. 

"  Well,  no,"  she  answered  ;  "  I  hardly  think  I  can  get 
ready." 

"Then  I'll  not  go  to  the  boat  to- see  you  off,"  I  added. 
"  But  to-morrow,  if  the  weather  remains  pleasant,  I  trust 
you  will  be  ready  to  start." 

"  We  shall  see,"  she  said. 

Again  I  bade  her  good-bye,  and  this  time,  having  left 
nothing  behind  me,  got  into  the  first  stage  that  came  along 
and  proceeded  down-town. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  97 


FIRST  FELICITY. 

I   ATTEND    A    CLAM-BAKE. 

,  Y  wife  has  gone  to  visit  her  mother. 

I  am  happy  to  be  able  to  state  that  the  children 
accompanied  her.  Peace,  quietness,  and  felicity 
reign  in  my  dwelling.  I  come  and  go  unquestioned.  I 
stay  out  late  at  night  without  fear  of  rebuke.  I  lie  abed 
of  mornings,  and  no  one  insists  on  my  getting  up.  My 
friends  pass  the  evening  with  me,  and  there  be  none  who 
tell  me  the  next  day  that  the  window-curtains  are  filled 
with  tobacco-smoke,  and  the  parlor  has  the  fragrance  of  a 
bar-room.  If  two  or  three  friends  come  home  to  dine  with 
me,  the  cook  never  asks  why  I  brought  them,  nor  com 
plains  of  a  headache.  What'  is  more,  she  does  not  insist 
upon  having  a  new  silk  dress  every  week,  nor  burst  into 
tears  if  I  utter  crude  and  naughty  words.  The  fact  is,  if 
there  be  one  thing  I  like  more  than  another,  it  is  to  have 
my  wife  visit  her  mother. 

Having  resolved  to  enjoy  myself  during  my  wife's  ab 
sence,  I  have  determined  to  leave  no  legitimate  source  of 
pleasure  untried.  In  pursuance  of  this  plan,  I  visited 
"  Nestledown,"  —  the  name  of  a  friend's  villa,  —  on  Long 
Island.  I  went  there,  supposing  that  my  friend's  wife  and 
daughters  were  alone,  and  that  he  was  visiting  the  camps 
around  Washington.  He  returned  from  there  the  very  day 
I  went  to  Nestledown.  After  all  it  was  as  well,  perhaps, 
that  he  did,  for  this  stepping  into  the  bosom  of  a  man's 
family  in  his  absence  may  not  be  just  the  thing.  I  won 
der  if  any  one  will  pay  particular  attention  to  my  wife  while 
7 


98  MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES 

she  is  with  her  mother !  I  was  very  cordially  received  at 
Nestledown,  and  dined  on  broiled  spring  chicken  and  fresh 
green  peas.  For  dessert  I  partook  of  strawberries  and 
cream.  Now  if  there  be  one  thing  I  like  more  than  another, 
it  is  a  dinner  of  this  kind. 

In  the  evening  we  drove  to  Little  Neck,  on  the  north 
side  of  the  island,  and  had  a  clam-bake.  I  think  a  clam 
bake  is  an  excellent  institution.  In  my  opinion  it  is  better 
than  a  turtle-soup  feast  or  a  chowder  party.  In  olden  times 
when  moustaches  were  not  worn,  turtle-soup  and  clam  or 
cod  chowder  were  not  bad  to  take ;  but  in  these  days  they 
have  objectionable  points. 

While  the  clams  were  being  baked,  the  Nestledownians 
and  myself  took  a  row  on  the  bay.  Although  our  party 
was  not  large,  we  yet  occupied  two  skiffs.  I  forgot  to  say 
that  we  engaged  a  distinguished  artist  to  accompany  us  for 
the  purpose  of  making  a  sketch  of  the  clam-bake.  The 
picture  he  painted  is  a  pleasing  reminiscence  of  the  even 
ing  ;  but  fails  to  convey  a  correct  idea  of  a  clam-bake. 

It  is  very  delightful  to  float  on  still  waters  in  pretty 
skiffs,  when  the  full  moon,  just  rising,  sheds  a  silvery  light 
around,  and  the  red  blaze  of  a  fire  flickers  fantastically 
through  the  leafy  trees,  and  the  air  is  mild  and  the  night 
enchanting.  The  young  ladies,  seated  in  the  stern  of  the 
boat,  enjoyed  this  thing  amazingly ;  but  neither  the  artist 
nor  myself,  who  blistered  our  hands  in  rowing,  appreciated 
it  as  they  did.  I  confess  I  enjoyed  eating  the  clams  more 
than  I  did  anything  else.  My  knowledge  of  clams  is  quite 
limited,  but  my  powers  of  observation  are  keen.  I  noticed 
that  Mr.  Nestledown  selected  only  the  small  clams  for  his 
plate,  and  kept  pushing  the  large  ones  toward  mine  I 
regarded  this  as  extremely  kind  and  polite  in  him,  and 
lest  he  should  rob  himself  of  all  the  fine  large  ones  I  placed 
two  or  three  of  them  upon  his  plate.  But  he  courteously 
put  them  aside,  as  if  they  were  better  than  he  deserved. 
I  now  think  they  were.  Curiosity  led  me  to  try  one  of  the 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  99 

small  ones,  and  thenceforward  I  devoted  my  attention  solely 
to  them.  I  think  India-rubber  overshoes  are  made  of  large 
clams  ;  but  if  there  be  one  thing  I  like  more  than  another, 
it  is  the  small  clam  from  the  shores  of  Long  Island. 

I  observed  that  the  darkies  of  this  neighborhood  are  a 
speciality.  They  are  great  on  the  double-shuffle,  the  pig 
eon-wing,  and  that  class  of  antics.  While  we  were  eating 
our  clams,  a  gang  of  them  were  displaying,  their  dancing 
abilities  near  by,  varied  with  an  occasional  negro  melody 
On  the  whole,  I  enjoyed  the  drive,  the  row  on  the  bay,  the 
clams,  and  the  dancing,  very  much,  and  went  back  to  Nes- 
tledown  exceedingly  contented. 

The  next  day,  on  my  return  to  the  city,  I  wrote  a  poetical 
epistle  to  my  wife,  which,  for  the  benefit  of  husbands  whose 
wives  may  be  away  from  home,  I  herewith  transcribe. 

TO  MY  ABSENT  WIFE. 

I  miss  thee  more  than  words  can  tell ; 

My  heart  is  filled  with  pain  and  woe ; 
My  voice  sounds  like  a  funeral  knell, 

And  grief  is  mine  where'er  I  go. 

Tears,  bitter  tears,  bedew  my  cheek, 

And  weary  sighs  my  bosom  fill ; 
For,  ah  !  I  've  missed  this  long,  long  week, 

The  kisses  which  my  soul  would  thrill. 

In  ceaseless  toil  I  pass  each  day, 

My  dreams  at  night  are  all  of  thee  ; 
I  've  lost  the  power  of  being  gay, 

And  only  gloomy  pictures  see. 

I  wonder  if  the  sky  is  blue, 

And  if  the  trees  are  robed  in  green ; 
If  juleps  are  not  made  with  rue, 

And  happy  people  e'er  are  seen. 

Indeed,  I  feel  that  I  have  grown 

Quite  old  since  thou  wert  at  my  side  ; 
'T  is  wrong  to  leave  me  thus  alone, 

For  tliou  wast  such  a  joy  and  pride. 


100  MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES. 

Still,  for  thyself,  my  dear,  I  trust 

Thou  art  enjoying  every  good  ; 
So  don't  return  until  thou  must, 

Thou  paragon  of  womanhood. 

I  have  faith  that  the  above  lines  will  prove  acceptable  to 
my  wife,  and  not  hasten  her  return  home. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  101 


SECOND  FELICITY. 

HOW    I   PASSED    THE    FOURTH    OF   JULY. 

;Y  amiable  wife  is  still  visiting  her  estimable  mother. 
Few  husbands,  situated  as  I  am,  would  be  able  to 
sustain  a  wife's  absence  so  well.  Everybody  knows 
that  I  was  contented  only  when  in  her  presence.  When 
parted  from  her  I  sometimes  grew  irritable.  Strange  to  say, 
I  have  not  experienced  an  irritable  moment  since  she  left 
me.  This  is  owing,  I  think,  to  the  comet,  which  is  said  to 
draw  bad  humors  from  mankind.  No  one  could  have 
spent  the  FOURTH  OF  JULY  more  rationally  than  I  did. 
Having  been  out  quite  late  the  night  previous,  in  company 
with  several  merry  companions  who  were  disposed  to  be 
patriotic  and  joyful,  I  did  not  rise  until  a  late  hour  of  our 
national  birthday.  If  it  had  not  been  for  the  noise  of 
cannon  and  crackers  firing  around  the  neighborhood,  I 
should  have  enjoyed  my  sleep. 

On  descending  to  the  breakfast-room  I  concluded,  by 
the  high  language  which  came  up  with  the  dumb-waiter  con 
taining  my  breakfast  from  the  kitchen,  that  the  cook  was 
unusually  cross.  I  think  this  class  of  individuals,  as  a  gen 
eral  rule,  are  always  more  or  less  cross.  Heat,  I  believe 
induces  crossness.  As  a  usual  thing  I  like  my  coffee  hot : 
this  morning  it  was  cold.  As  I  drank  Congress-Spring 
water,  however,  on  this  occasion,  it  did  not  make  much  dif 
ference  to  me.  I  think  eggs  for  breakfast  should  be  boiled 
but  one  minute  and  a  half:  those  the  cook  gave  me  on  the 
Fourth  would  have  answered  for  small  cannon-balls.  I 
judged  she  commenced  boiling  them  about  the  time  I  came 


102  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

home  in  the  morning.  Beefsteak,  to  be  relished,  should  be 
tender  and  juicy  ;  if  it  be  as  dry  and  hard  as  sole-leather,  I 
don't  think  it  is  worth  one's  while  to  eat  it-  That  which  was 
placed  before  me  seemed  to  be  of  the  latter  description. 
I  sent  for  the  cook  to  ask  her  why  she  had  thus  spoiled  my 
breakfast.  The  cook  refused  to  come,  but  said  if  I  wished 
to  see  her  I  might  go  down  to  the  kitchen.  I  did  so.  I 
found  the  cook  standing  in  the  centre  of  the  room,  with  a 
rolling-pin  in  one  hand  and  a  long  iron  spoon  in  the  other. 
I  had  never  se>en  her  before,  and  was  somewhat  struck  by 
her  appearance.  She  appeared  to  be  a  middle-aged  woman, 
with  a  red  face  and  a  fiery  disposition.  She  was  short  and 
crusty,  but  looked  strong  and  wilful. 

"  Oh,"  I  exclaimed,  as  I  stood  at  the  threshold  of  her 
empire,  —  for  I  don't  think  it  a  good  plan  to  enter  kitch 
ens,  —  "  are  you  the  cook  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  she  replied. 

"  Well,  why  did  n't  you  come  to  me  when  I  sent  for  you  ?  " 
I  asked. 

"  Because,"  she  answered,  "  I  had  orders  from  the  mis 
tress,  before  she  went  away,  not  to  leave  this  floor  until  she 
returned  home,  and  I  intend  to  obey  them." 

"  If  you  can't  obey  me,"  I  said,  "  I  don't  wish  you  here 
any  longer.  I  '11  pay  you  your  month's  wages,  and  you  can 

go-" 

"  Isha'  n't  leave  this  house,"  she  replied, "  till  the  mistress 
comes  back.  I  promised  her  to  stay  here  and  cook  for  you, 
and  I  shall  do  it." 

And  she  went  on  with  her  duties.  I  saw  there  was  no 
use  in  arguing  the  matter  with  her,  so  I  retreated  up-stairs 
and  left  ner  to  her  kettles  and  pans. 

I  had  no  sooner  got  comfortably  seated  with  the  morn 
ing  paper  in  my  hand,  than  the  cook  sent  to  ask  me  if  I 
would  have  dinner  at  the  usual  hour.  As  it  was  then  nearly 
four  o'clock,  and  I  had  but  just  finished  my  breakfast,  I  re 
turned  word  that  I  would  not ;  but  would  name  nine  o'clock 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  103 

as  a  desirable  hour.     She  sent  back  word  that  she  would 
put  off  dinner  until  seven  o'clock,  but  not  a  minute  later. 

As  it  was  of  small  consequence  to  me  at  what  hour  I  had 
it  I  made  no  objections.  I  passed  half  an  hour  reading 
the  paper,  and  then,  notwithstanding  the  din  going  on  in 
the  street,  I  fell  asleep.  I  slept,  I  am  happy  to  say,  till  I 
was  called  to  dinner.  I  had  a  very  nice  dinner,  and  en 
joyed  it  exceedingly.  I  drank  my  wife's  health  repeatedly, 
in  a  bottle  of  "  Chateau  Yquem  "  ;  and  then,  after  taking 
another  short  •  nap,  wondered  if  it  would  not  be  the  proper 
thing  to  open  another  bottle  of  wine.  I  hesitated  about 
doing  so,  however,  because  I  do  not  enjoy  drinking  wine 
alone  ;  but  Heaven,  which  sends  good  wine,  does  not  do  so 
without  providing  mouths  with  which  to  drink  it ;  and  it 
was  therefore  a  satisfaction  to  me  to  see  just  at  that  mo 
ment  the  burly  form  of  my  friend,  Ned  Cozzens,  of  West 
Point  hospitality,  enter  the  court-yard,  We  cracked  a 
bottle  of  it  immediately,  and  the  bouquet  which  thereupon 
filled  the  room  was  redolent  of  Eden.  It  is  not  every  one 
who  knows  how  to  drink  good  wine  ;  you  can't  toss  it  off 
glass  after  glass  as  you  may  mugs  of  Taylor's  October  ale, 
—  but  you  must  linger  lovingly,  tenderly  over  it.  Move 
your  head  slowly  to  and  fro  above  the  thin  glass  held  up 
gingerly  under  your  ruby  nose,  to  catch  all  the  bouquet 
which  evolves  itself  from  the  amber-colored  liquor.  After 
you  have  fully  inhaled  its  perfume  in  perfect  silence,  you 
can  take  one  little  sip  of  it.  Those  few  drops  must  rest  a 
moment  on  your  tongue  before  you  swallow  them,  which 
will  give  you  an  opportunity  of  ascertaining  the  flavor  and 
quality  of  the  wine.  You  then  let  it  trickle  slowly  down 
your  throat.  You  heave  a  little  sigh,  as  if  recalling  all 
manner  of  bygone  pleasures,  and  softly  exclaim,  Delicious  ! 
You  then  close  one  eye,  and  look  knowingly  with  the  other 
at  your  glass  held  up  in  the  direction  of  the  light.  You 
speak,  in  well-chosen  words  and  a  subdued  voice,  of  its 
color,  its  age,  and  its  remarkable  similarity  to  a  wine  your 


104  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

father  had  in  his  cellar  forty  years  ago.  If  your  youthful 
ness  will  not  permit  you  to  date  back  as  far  as  that,  go  as 
far  as  your  memory  or  conscience  will  allow  you.  That 
wine  of  your  father's,  which,  of  course,  he  imported  at  a 
great  cost  specially  for  his  own  table,  you  will  do  well  al 
ways  to  bear  in  remembrance.  It  will  prove  of  inestima 
ble  benefit  for  you  often  to  refer  to  it,  and  will  obtain  you 
many  invitations  to  dinner-tables  where  are  found  good 
wines,  which  you  would  not  otherwise  have  had. 

You  may  now,  having  dilated  at  some  length  upon  the 
subject  of  wines,  finish  your  glass  ;  and,  if  your  companion 
is  convivially  inclined,  extend  it  towards  him  to  be  refilled. 
If  he  should  fill  it,  and  if  he  be  a  good  fellow  he  undoubt 
edly  will,  you  may  then  rejoicingly  sit  down  at  a  convenient 
table,  with  your  friend  opposite  and  the  bottle  between  you, 
and  finish  the  wine  at  your  leisure,  conversing  meanwhile 
learnedly,  jovially,  and  con  amore  on  all  pleasing  things 
relating  to  wine,  women,  books,  and  works  of  art. 

In  some  such  way  as  this  did  my  friend  and  myself  pass 
a  couple  of  hours  delightfully  together,  and  when  he  left 
me,  after  solemnly  declaring  that  there  was  not  a  headache 
in  a  dozen  bottles  of  such  wine,  I  looked  regretfully  at 
the  empty  bottle,  and  wished  that  another  friend  would 
come  that  I  might  open  another  for  him. 

Then  I  ordered  tea,  and  afterwards  went  upon  the  house 
top,  where  I  watched  the  sky-rockets  shooting  into  the 
heavens  from  various  parts  of  the  city,  and  saw  the  stars 
come  out,  and  the  young  moon  go  down,  and  quiet  finally 
take  the  place  of  the  noise  and  turmoil  of  the  day. 

I  don't  remember  of  ever  having  enjoyed  a  Fourth  of 
July  as  well  as  this.  If  my  wife  and  little  ones  had  been 
home  I  should  have  undergone  many  severe  trials.  I  might 
have  blown  myself  up  -a  thousand  times  with  fire-crackers, 
and  destroyed  my  wife  with  torpedoes,  I  have  nothing 
more  to  say  on  the  present  occasion,  except  to  add  that  if 
there  be  one  thing  I  like  more  than  another,  it  is  to  pass  a 
Fourth  of  July  as  contentedly  as  I  did  the  last. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  105 


THIRD   FELICITY. 

MY   FRIEND    THE    GENERAL. 

fHEN  my  esteemed  friend  the  General,  taking  pity 
on  my  solitary  state,  —  my  wife  still  being  absent, 
—  invited  me  to  his  hospitable  mansion  up  the 
Hudson  to  spend  the  night,  I  accepted  his  invitation,  and 
in  company  with  my  friend  the  artist  departed  for  this 
abode  of  peace  and  plenty.  Before  starting,  however,  we 
dined  with  the  General  at  Delmonico's,  where  we  ate  our 
lamb  and  green  peas,  and  drank  our  wine,  as  only  those 
can  who  possess  contented  and  happy  dispositions. 

We  lingered  over  the  mahogany  so  long  that  we  nearly 
missed  the  train  that  was  to  carry  us  to  our  destination. 
In  our  haste  to  gain  the  cars  we  met  with  various  mishaps. 
While  the  General  walked  along  with  the  quick,  resolute, 
and  cautious  step  which  is  characteristic  of  an  old  soldier, 
and  which  induced  the  throng  to  move  aside  and  let  him 
pass,  neither  the  artist  nor  myself  were  so  successful  in  our 
movements.  The  former,  who  strode  along  at  a  two-forty 
pace,  stepped  on  everybody's  corns,  and,  with  his  maul 
stick,  which  he  always  carries  when  he  travels  into  strange 
countries,  to  use  as  a  defensive  or  aggressive  weapon,  he 
knocked  off  everybody's  hat.  The  individual  whose  corns 
he  wounded  limped  away,  after  bestowing  sundry  uncom 
plimentary  epithets  upon  the  bearer  of  the  maul-stick,  and 
the  hat-victims  anathematized  him  to  such  a  degree  that 
*he  excommunications  of  all  the  popes  Christendom  has 
known,  if  employed  on  the  same  subject,  would  not  have 
kept  him  farther  from  happiness.  As  for  me,  I  covered 


106  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

myself  with  candies  and  cakes,  at  almost  the  first  step,  by 
falling  over  an  old  woman's  street-corner  refreshment-stand. 
I  gained  my  feet  instantly,  however,  and  before  the  pro 
prietor  of  the  stand  could  recover  her  astonishment  and 
breath  sufficiently  to  call  for  the  police,  I  was  lost  in  the 
crowd.  Next  I  managed  to  upset  a  basket  of  oranges,  the 
owner  of  which  seized  me,  and  would  not  let  me  go  until  I 
had  paid  for  a  dozen  of  them,  which  the  newsboys  stole  as 
they  rolled  over  the  sidewalk.  An  Italian  image-vender  was 
the  next  sufferer ;  but  he  spoke  English  so  unintelligibly, 
that,  before  he  could  make  the  crowd  understand  the  fact 
that  I  had  broken  several  crowned  heads,  and  ruined  sun 
dry  dancing-girls  and  a  Greek  slave,  I  was  far  distant  from 
the  scene  of  the  disaster.  I  have  a  faint  impression  that 
I  afterward  damaged  an  organ  that  was  playing  "  Dixie's 
Land,"  overturned  a  small  boy  clad  in  a  Zouave  uniform, 
and  was  run  over  myself  by  an  Eighth  Avenue  rail-car, 
before  I  succeeded  in  reaching  the  Hudson  River  Railroad 
depot,  where  the  General  and  the  artist  were  impatiently 
waiting  my  coming.  As  the  last  car  was  leaving  the  sta 
tion  we  succeeded  in  gaining  it,  and  in  finding  seats  on  its 
sunny  side. 

Railroad  travelling  is  very  pleasant  when  there  are  no 
cinders  or  dust  flying,  and  you  are  in  no  fear  of  being  run 
into  by  other  trains,  or  of  running  off  the  track.  But  then 
you  must  have  either  a  pleasant  companion  to  converse 
with,  or  an  interesting  book  to  read.  It  is  desirable,  too, 
to  occupy  the  shady  side  of  the  car  in  summer-time,  and  to 
have  your  feet  warm  in  winter.  One  cannot  always  have 
all  one  wishes,  however;  and  on  the  present  occasion, 
though  I  had  pleasant  company,  one  of  them  took  a  nap, 
and  the  other  went  into  the  smoking-car  with  a  cigar,  so  I 
was  left  to  my  own  resources.  I  tried  to  read ;  but  the 
sun  shone  so  brightly  that  it  was  almost  impossible ;  be 
sides,  the  newspaper  which  I  bought,  just  as  I  jumped 
upon  the  car,  proved  to  be  three  days  old,  and  all  the  war 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  107 

rumors  which  it  contained  had  turned  out  to  be  false.  I 
endeavored  to  enjoy  the  scenery ;  but  the  cinders  soon 
filled  my  eyes  and  rendered  sight-seeing  impossible.  To 
add  to  these  disagreeabilities,  I  found,  when  the  collector 
came  around  for  the  tickets,  that  I  had  lost  mine,  so  I  was 
obliged  to  pay  my  fare  a  second  time,  as  collectors  don't 
believe  in  lost  tickets.  A  few  days  afterward  I  discovered 
the  missing  ticket  under  the  lining  inside  my  hat,  where  I 
had  placed  it  for  safety.  If  any  poor  fellow  who  is  about 
going  to  Sing  Sing,  at  the  State's  expense,  would  like  to 
have  a  ticket  to  stick  into  his  hatband,  so  as  to  make  the 
passengers  think  he  paid  his  own  fare  and  was  n't  a  pris 
oner,  he  can  have  mine  by  applying  for  it  immediately.  I 
afterward  essayed  to  have  the  ticket-man  of  whom  I  bought 
it  refund  me  the  money ;  but  he,  after  examining  its  date, 
said,  laughingly,  as  if  he  thought  it  a  clever  joke,  that  my 
ticket  was  very  much  like  fireworks,  for  it  was  n't  good  for 
much  after  the  Fourth  of  July. 

I  have  forgotten  whether  I  said  previously  that  my  es 
teemed  friend  the  General  resides  in  Westchester  county, 
not  far  from  Sing  Sing ;  at  all  events  I  say  it  now,  and  this 
fact  will  account  for  my  ticket  being  marked  for  that  place. 
It  is  not  a  very  long  ride  from  the  city,  so  that  by  the  time 
the  artist  had  finished  his  cigar,  the  General  ended  his  nap, 
and  I  relieved  my  eyes  of  the  cinders  which  had  fallen  into 
them,  we  had  glided  past  the  walls  of  the  prison,  where  so 
many  sad  hearts  beat  and  dreary  lives  are  lived,  and 
alighted  at  the  station  in  the  village.  Then  we  took  a  car 
riage  and  drove  out  to  the  General's  place. 

There  seems  to  be  considerable  of  a  hill  in  this  part  of 
the  country,  and  as  we  drove  along,  I  kept  wondering 
where  the  carriage  would  go  to  if  the  traces  should  break. 
I  confess  I  was  in  a  state  of  trepidation  during  the  entire 
ride.  I  regarded  the  General  as  a  most  courageous  man, 
and  wondered  if  no  accident  had  befallen  him  in  the  half 
century  in  which  he  had  driven  up  and  down  that  eleva 
tion. 


108  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

I  felt  myself  fully  repaid,  however,  for  the  dangers  I  had 
encountered  since  I  left  the  dinner-table  at  Delmonico's, 
when  I  arrived  at  the  General's  handsome  home.  As  a 
gentleman  who  holds  a  facile  pencil  and  a  ready  pen  has, 
through  the  skill  of  the  engraver  and  the  art  of  the  printer, 
given,  in  a  recent  number  of  the  "  London  Art  Journal,"  a 
view  and  description  of  my  good  friend's  hospitable  man 
sion,  I  will  not  attempt  to  describe  that  which  he  has  so 
ably  accomplished.  Suffice  for  me  to  say  that  the  Gen 
eral's  home  is  an  unpretentious  building  of  white  marble, 
quarried  in  the  neighborhood,  and  Grecian  in  its  style  of 
architecture.  A  spacious  hall,  quite  as  large  as  any  room 
in  the  house,  was,  to  me,  a  most  cheerful  and  attractive  spot, 
—  perhaps  this  was  in  some  degree  owing  to  the  fact  that 
on  a  table  therein  stood  a  goodly  array  of  tall-necked  bot 
tles,  and  a  silver  punch-bowl  of  antique  appearance. 

On  the  walls  of  the  parlor  were  valuable  pictures, 
painted  by  such  artists  as  Weir,  Chapman,  Doughty,  Free 
man,  Mount,  etc.,  —  evidences  of  the  refined  taste  of  their 
owner.  Here  I  saw,  for  the  first  time,  the  original  of  that 
picture  which  each  Christmas-tide  adorns  the  pictorial  pa 
pers,  and  is  so  popular  with  good  little  boys  and  girls.  I 
allude  to  Weir's  '•  Visit  of  Santa  Glaus."  Several  fine  old 
family-portraits,  also,  adorn  various  rooms,  among  which  is 
one  of  the  late  Elkanah  Watson,  the  philanthropist. 

Notwithstanding  we  had  partaken  of  a  hearty  dinner  in 
the  city,  the  General  assured  us  that  it  would  be  opposed 
to  his  ideas  of  hospitality  if  we  failed  to  eat  another  under 
his  roof;  and,  as  our  appetites  proved  to  be  good,  I  think 
both  the  artist  and  myself  did  full  justice  to  this  second 
repast.  After  dinner  the  General  conducted  us  about  his 
grounds,  and  showed  us  several  localities  in  the  neighbor 
hood  of  an  historical  character.  He  pointed  out  the  tongue 
of  land  running  into  the  river,  off  which  the  Vulture,  that 
bore  Major  Andre*  to  his  fate,  lay.  while  this  gallant  officer 
held  his  interview  with  Arnold.  There,  too,  on  the  oppo- 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  109 

site  shore,  was  the  spot  where  the  meeting  between  the 
two  took  place,  and  still  lower  down  the  river  was  the 
place  where .  the  unfortunate  soldier  was  executed.  On 
our  return  to  the  house  we  brought  out  our  chairs  upon  the 
piazza,  and  as  the  twilight  deepened,  and  the  river  and 
hills  beyond  faded  from  sight,  and  only  the  stars  were  seen 
through  the  leafy  trees  around  us,  we  talked  of  the  present 
troubles  of  our  country,  and  the  General,  with  the  ardor 
of  youth,  fought  over  again,  in  words,  the  battles  he  had 
been  engaged  in  during  the  war  of  1812.  Although  he 
takes  no  active  part  in  the  conflict  of  to-day,  yet  he  stands 
ready  to  gird  on  his  sword  and  lead  again  to  battle  the  sol 
diers  of  liberty. 

"  Yes,"  he  exclaimed,  his  form  straightening  and  his 
eyes  flashing  with  the  fire  and  courage  of  youth,  as  he  rose 
from  his  chair,  "  if  my  country  desires  my  services,  I  am 
ready  to  take  the  field  again,  and,  under  the  glorious  Flag 
of  our  Union,  fight  until  the  death." 

Hereupon  the.  artist  and  myself  cheered  and  clapped 
our  hands  and  cried  out,  "  Brave  old  soldier  !  "  And  the 
General,  smiling,  sunk  back  into  his  seat  unconsciously 
beating  the  tattoo  with  his  fingers  on  the  arm  of  his  chair, 
and  repeating  softly,  "  Yes,  boys,  I  'd  fight  until  death." 

I  felt,  as  I  gazed  on  my  brave  old  friend,  that  he  had 
done  more  for  his  country  than  I  could  ever  hope  to  accom 
plish.  Not  only  had  he  served  her  with  profit  on  the  battle 
field,  but  for  fifteen  years  he  had  occupied  a  place  in  her 
councils,  and,  as  congressional  documents  will  show,  acted 
with  honor  to  himself  and  benefit  to  her. 

"  Ah ! "  I  said  to  myself,  "  here  is  a  man  who  will  leave 
an  honored  name  behind  him.  He  has  done  much  for  his 
country,  and  deserves,  and  will  receive,  the  thanks  of  all 
true  patriots.  I  propose,"  I  continued,  speaking  aloud, 
"  that  we  go  into  the  house  and  drink  the  General's  health." 
And  we  went. 

There  is  a  champagne  called  the  "  Flower  of  Sparkling 


110  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

Neckar,''  which  is  a  noble  wine,  and  just  the  kind  with 
which  no  one  could  possibly  object  to  drink  another's 
health.  Therefore  when  we  entered  the  house,  and  saw 
this  wine  awaiting  us,  the  artist  and  myself  proceeded  to 
toast  the  General,  much  to  our  satisfaction  and  none  to 
his  dismay. 

Of  this  wine,  some  one  who  appreciates  it  has  sung  as 
follows :  — 

In  the  valley  of  the  Neckar, 

Where  the  blue  tide  sweeps  along, 
Lies  a  green  and  i'ertile  vineyard, 
And  its  vintage  claims  a  song. 

Many  flowing  goblets  have  I 

Quaffed  of  wines  both  old  and  rare ; 

But  not  one  that  I  have  tasted 

Can  with  this  champagne  compare.  • 

If  a  poem  were  translated 

Into  shining  beads  of  light, 
It  would  wear  the  hue  and  semblance 

Of  the  wine  I  sing  to-night. 

It  is  fruity,  rich,  and  sparkling, 

With  a  delicate  bouquet, 
Rosy-tinted,  highly  flavored, 

Like  the  rare  and  famed  Tokay. 

With  the  "  Flower  of  Sparkling  Neckar  " 

I  will  henceforth  toast  the  girls ; 
Merry,  blue-eyed  German  lasses, 

Laughing  through  their  flaxen  curls, 

And  the  happy  Yankee  maidens, 

In  New  England's  favored  clime, 
With  the  dark-haired  Southern  beauties, 

'Midst  the  orange  and  the  lime. 

Then,  on  gay  and  festal  momenta 

When  I  quaff  a  regal  wine, 
Give  me  in  a  foaming  goblet 

Neckar  champagne  pure  and  fine. 


Ill 

After  the  wine  had  been  disposed  of  amidst  genial  talk, 
and  the  night  had  passed  the  other  side  of  the  twelve,  the 
General,  giving  us  our  candles,  ordered  us  to  bed,  and  we, 
as  obedient  soldiers  should,  retired  in  good  order. 

The  next  morning,  after  a  hearty  breakfast,  we  bade  a 
cordial  adieu  to  our  host,  while  yet  the  dew  was  on  the 
grass  and  the  birds  were  singing  their  matin  songs,  and 
once  more  getting  into  the  cars,  were  rapidly  whirled  back 
to  the  city. 

When  I  wrote  to  my  wife  and  told  her  where  I  had  been, 
she  answered  that  she  was  glad  to  hear  of  it ;  for  if  there 
were  one  thing  she  liked  more  than  another,  it  was  to  have 
me  associate  with  persons  wiser  and  better  than  myself. 
If  that  be  so,  I  think  she  had  better  return  home. 


112  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 


IS  IT  A  FELICITY  OR  AN  INFELICITY? 

SOMEBODY    IS    RESPONSIBLE. 

i  F  my  esteemed  wife  were  only  at  home,  she  would 
doubtless  be  able  to  solve  the  question  asked 
above ;  but  as  she  still  remains  with  her  mother  in 
the  country,  I  am,  perforce  of  circumstances,  a  perplexed 
man.  My  perplexity  originated  through  an  occurrence  of 
which  it  is  my  purpose  to  speak  in  this  sketch.  To  say 
that  I  have  been  kept  awake  nights  by  the  event  to  which 
I  allude,  is  literally  true.  My  mind  and  patience  have  been 
exercised  to  a  remarkable  degree  by  this  untoward  circum 
stance.  I  think  this  event  would  agitate  and  aggravate 
less  nervous  and  more  even-tempered  men  than  myself, 
were  they  in  my  position.  I  don't  know  what  the  world 
will  say  to  it ;  but  I  trust  that  they  will  exonerate  me,  how 
ever,  from  all  blame  in  the  matter.  Some  persons  will 
doubtless  laugh  at  it ;  but  I  will  assure  such  it  is  no  laugh 
ing  matter.  Others  will  look  grave  and  shake  their  heads 
and  exclaim,  "  Who  'd  have  thought  it  ?  "  I  can  honestly 
assure  them  that  I  for  one  would  not.  Others  there  will 
be  who  will  say  that  they  fully  expected  such  a  thing 
would  happen,  and  it  serves  me  right  for  allowing  my  wife 
to  leave  me  and  go  to  visit  her  mother.  Then,  again,  what 
will  my  wife  say  when  she  comes  to  hear  of  it.  I  fairly 
tremble  when  I  think  of  the  way  in  which  she  will  go  on 
about  it  If  we  ever  live  together  after  this,  I  can  make 
up  my  mind  to  having  this  little  occurrence  constantly 
thrown  into  my  face.  The  knowledge  I  possess  of  my  own 
innocence  will,  I  think,  enable  me  to  bear  all  the  obloquy 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  113 

which  will  be  cast  upon  me  ;  but  still  the  matter  will  be 
far  from  pleasant. 

The  circumstances  of  the  unfortunate  case  to  which  I 
refer  are  simply  these.  About  midnight  on  the  thirty-first 
of  July,  being  my  birthday,  I  was  aroused  from  my  sleep 
by  a  violent  ringing  of  the  street-door  bell.  My  first  im 
pression  was  that  my  wife  had  come  home,  and,  it  being  a 
rainy  night,  was  exceedingly  anxious  to  get  into  the  house. 

"  She  suddenly  recalled  to  her  mind  this  morning,"  I 
said  to  myself,  as  I  hurried  on  my  clothes,  "  that  this  was 
my  birthday,  and,  affectionate  wife  that  she  is,  has  hastened 
on  the  wings  of  love  and  the  railroad,  to  congratulate  me 
on  having  turned  another  leaf  in  the  book  of  life." 

O 

Again  the  bell  rung  still  more  violently  than  before. 

"  I  am  coming,  my  dear,"  I  exclaimed,  as  I  deliberately 
selected  a  clean  collar  to  put  on,  for  I  would  not  have  my 
wife  see  me  on  my  birthday  without  my  being  neatly  attired. 
Then,  after  having  sprinkled  a  drop  or  two  of  cologne  on 
my  handkerchief,  I  went  to  the  door. 

To  my  surprise  I  found,  when  I  opened  it,  no  one  there. 
The  wind  blew  a  shower  of  rain  into  my  face,  and  extin 
guished  the  light  I  carried  in  my  hand.  I  was  on  the  point 
of  turning  and  closing  the  door,  when  a  slight  noise  at*  my 
feet  arrested  me.  I  looked  down  and'  saw  a  covered  bas 
ket,  from  which  a  wailing  sound  issued.  I  took  the  basket 
into  the  hall,  and,  lighting  the  gas,  opened  it  carefully.  I 
don't  remember  of  ever  seeing  a  handsomer  infant  than 
that  which  gazed  at  me  with  its  blue  eyes  from  the  basket. 

But  I  was  in  a  quandary.  No  sooner,  however,  did  I 
realize  the  state  of  the  case,  than  I  rushed  to  the  door, 
and,  opening  it,  looked  eagerly  up  and  down  the  street. 
The  gas-lights  gleamed  upon  the  wet  pavements,  and  the 
branches  of  the  trees  threw  dancing  shadows  across  them, 
as  the  wind  swayed  them  to  and  fro.  Opposite  to  my  house 
is  an  open  lot  of  ground  surrounded  by  a  board  fence.  As 
I  gazed  across  the  way  I  thought  I  could  trace  the  form  of 
8 


114  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

a  person  leaning  against  the  fence,  watching  my  move 
ments. 

"  Halloo ! "  I  shouted ;  "  come  back  and  get  your  baby. 
I  don't  know  what  to  do  with  it,  and  in  fact  I  don't  want 
it." 

But  no  answer  was  returned,  and  the  form  I  was  watch 
ing  sunk  gradually  down  and  finally  disappeared  from  my 
sight.  I  stepped  rapidly  and  quietly  across  the  street,  and 
looking  over  the  fence,  saw  a  woman  clad  in  a  long  cloak 
crouched  on  the  ground  before  me.  Ere  I  could  climb  the 
fence  she  saw  rne,  and  with  a  bound  and  a  cry  of  terror 
she  sprang  to  her  feet,  and  vanished  among  the  trees 
which  grow  within  the  enclosure. 

Then  I  returned  to  the  house  and  wondered  what  I 
should  do  with  the  infant.  I  was  entirely  alone,  for  the 
cook  had  gone  to  sit  up  with  a  sick  cousin,  and  therefore  I 
was  cast  solely  upon  my  own  resources.  I  thought  I  would 
call  the  ladies  in  the  next  house  to  my  assistance ;  but  the 
idea  of  rousing  them  in  the  middle  of  the  night  to  say 
that  I  had  a  baby  left  with  me  and  wanted  their  assist 
ance,  was  rather  too  much  for  even  a  man  of  mv  courage 

*/  o 

to  undertake.  Ten  to  one,  I  thought,  when  I  tell  them  of 
the  difficulty  I  am  in,  if  they  will  be  willing  to  assist  me. 
The  two  old  maids  who  live  on  my  right  hand  would 
doubtless  think  it  an  awful  thing,  and  would  no  more 
touch  the  baby  than  they  would  do  anything  of  a  com 
promising  character.  They  believe  me  to  be  a  shocking 
man  at  the  best  of  times,  when  my  wife  is  at  home,  and 
never  call  upon  her  if  they  think  they  may  encounter  me. 
I  doubt,  had  I  asked  them,  if  they  would  have  responded 
to  my  invitation.  As  for  my  left-hand  neighbors,  they  are 
Germans  and  don't  understand  a  word  of  English,  and  I 
feared  I  would  never  be  able  to  make  them  comprehend 
the  true  state  of  the  case.  While  these  and  similar 
thoughts  passed  through  my  mind,  the  infant  remained  so 
quiet,  gazing  at  the  gas-light,  that  I  concluded  to  take  care 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  115 

of  it  myself  until  morning,  and  then  hand  it  over  to  the 
police. 

So  I  got  out  the  cradle  from  the  store-room,  where  it 
had  been  lying  idle  for  two  or  three  years  past,  and  put  my 
waif  into  it,  expecting  it  would  go  immediately  to  sleep. 
It  was  a  wide-awake  infant,  however,  and  had  no  idea  of 
carrying  out  my  wishes.  So  long  as  I  rocked  it,  it  remained 
quiet;  but  the  moment  I  ceased,  it  commenced  crying. 
Then  I  thought  it  might  be  hungry,  so  I  warmed  some 
milk  and  tried  to  feed  it  with  a  spoon.  I  came  very  near 
strangling  it  to  death  several  times,  and  had  to  beat  it  on 
its  back  to  bring  it  to.  Then  I  put  it  into  the  cradle,  and 
rocked  it,  but  it  would  n't  go  to  sleep,  and  cried  heartily 
the.  moment  I  ceased  the  motion.  Then  I  took  it  up  and 
walked  with  it,  just  as  I  remembered  to  have  done  with  my 
own  little  one  a  few  years  back.  So  long  as  I  walked  it 
about,  it  was  quiet  as  a  lamb  ;  but,  let  me  stop,  even  for  a 
moment,  and  it  cried  with  all  its  lungs.  Then,  for  a  change, 
I  trotted  it  on  my  knees,  and  sung  nursery  songs  to  it.  It 
seemed  to  possess  a  good  ear  for  music,  and  crowed  and 
doubled  up  its  fists  in  a  wonderfully  approving  style  as  I 
sung.  But  it  cried  lustily  when  I  stopped,  and  I  thought 
to  myself  my  maiden  friends  in  tfie  next  house  must  hear 
it,  and  will  wonder  and  be  terribly  shocked  at  my  proceed 
ings.  I  confess  I  had  a  hard  night  of  it,  for  there  were 
various  little  matters  connected  with  the  charge  of  an 
infant  in  which  I  was  not  posted  and  could  n't  think  of 
undertaking.  I  made  up  my  mind  during  the  night  that, 
if  we  both  lived  until  morning,  we  would  have  nothing 
more  to  do  with  each  other.  Among  other  difficulties 
with  which  it  was  afflicted,  were  hiccoughs,  colic,  pins,  mos 
quitoes,  et  ccetera. 

I  was  very  glad  when  the  morning,  and  the  cook,  who 
appeared  about  the  same  time,  came.  If  there  ever  were 
an  astonished  woman,  the  cook  was  one.  She  did  n't  ask 
many  questions,  and  I  did  n't  say  much  to  her  ;  but  she 


116  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

regarded  me  in  a  manner  that  seemed  to  declare  she  was 
not  altogether  satisfied  with  the  account  I  gave  of  the 
baby's  arrival.  I  will  do  the  cook  the  justice  of  saying 
that  she  remarked  the  "  take  in  "  —  for  thus  she  persisted 
in  calling  the  baby  —  had  blue  eyes  and  red  hair,  which  no 
one  could  say  I  possessed. 

Under  the  cook's  motherly  care,  the  baby  soon  went  to 
sleep,  and  I  availed  myself  of  the  stillness"  to  take  a  nap 
myself. 

When  I  awoke,  a  couple  of  hours  afterward,  the  infant, 
was  still  sleeping,  and  the  cook  declared  it  to  be  the  pret 
tiest  child  she  had  ever  seen.  I  told  her  it  was  my  inten 
tion  to  let  the  proper  authorities  take  it,  for  that  I  could 
not  undertake  the  charge  of  it ;  besides,  what  would  my 
wife  say,  when  she  came  home,  to  find  a  strange  baby  in 
the  house. 

"  Wait,"  said  the  cook,  "  for  a  few  days  at  least,  before 
you  send  it  away.  Perhaps  we  may  discover  its  parents, 
and  it  may  turn  out  to  be  stolen  from  some  loving  mother. 
At  all  events,"  she  continued,  "  I  will  take  charge  of  it  for 
a  short  time." 

And  so,  for  ten  days,  has  the  "  take  in  "  been  cared  for 
by  the  cook  and  myself.  What  final  course  will  be  adopted 
in  regard  to  it,  remains  to  be  seen.  In  the  mean  time  my 
wife  must  be  informed  of  the  matter ;  but  if  there  be  one 
thing  I  dislike  more  than  another,  it  is  being  obliged  to 
write  to  her  that  a  strange  baby  has  been  left  at  the  house 
in  her  absence. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  117 


NINETEENTH  INFELICITY. 

MT    WIFE    RETURNS    HOME. 

FTER  a  long  absence,  my  estimable  wife  has  re- 
turned  home.  I  almost  despaired  of  ever  seeing 
her  again,  when,  one  gusty  November  night,  just  as 
a  party  of  my  ancient  friends  who  were  filling,  for  the  third 
time,  their  slender  goblets  with  sparkling  Golden  Wedding 
wine  around  my  hospitable  mahogany,  an  ominous  ring  at 
the  door-bell  startled  us  into  sobriety  and  propriety.  The 
Colonel,  being  a  married  man,  was  the  first  to  detect  the 
connubial  tone  of  the  bell,  and  rising  hastily,  said  he  be 
lieved  he  had  an  engagement  which  he  must  hasten  to  ful 
fil,  and  therefore  begged-  me  to  excuse  him.  He  had  just 
finished  singing  a  song,  in  which  he  had  repeatedly  de 
clared  that  he  had  no  intention  of  going  home  until  morn 
ing,  and  his  sudden  desire  to  be  going  now  rather  sur 
prised  us.  The  Major,  who  imitates  the  Colonel  in  his 
movements,  immediately  declared  that  he,  too,  had  an  en 
gagement  ;  but  the  Captain,  with  a  disregard  of  rank  which 
was  pleasing  to  observe,  ordered  his  two  superiors  to  sit 
down,  and  not  run  away  while  such  enemies  —  pointing  to 
the  tall  flasks  before  him  —  were  in  the  field. 

Perhaps  it  will  be  quite  as  well  to  state  that  quite  a  num 
ber  of  my  acquaintances  have  recently  become  distin 
guished  military  characters,  —  at  least,  not  a  few  of  them 
are  celebrated  for  the  inordinate  amount  of  gold  braid 
which  ornaments  their  clothes  and  the  costly  swords  they 
carry.  I  have  not  yet  heard  that  any  of  their  swords  have 
been  baptized  in  blood,  or  their  gold  lace  tarnished  through 
exposure  to  camp-life.  But  I  presume  all  this  will  come 


Ii8  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

by-and-by ;  in  the  meanwhile,  they  add  to  the  brilliant  ap 
pearance  of  Broadway,  and  are  much  employed  as  escorts 
at  military  funerals,  and  take  an  active  part  in  the  recep 
tion  of  New-England  troops,  passing  through  the  city  on 
their  way  to  the  seat  of  war.  I  don't  wish  to  be  under 
stood  as  saying  that  my  three  friends  above-mentioned 
won't  march  down  to  Dixie  as  soon  as  their  regiment  ob 
tains  its  complement  of  men,  but  I  will  simply  declare  that 
their  ranks  are  a  most  unaccountable  time  in  filling  up. 
( )ne  day  the  Colonel  will  tell  me  that  he  wants  less  than 
two  hundred  men  to  fill  his  regiment ;  but  when  I  see  him, 
perhaps  a  week  or  two  afterwards,  he  has  five  or  six  hun 
dred  to  obtain.  When  I  question  him  as  to  where  his  men 
have  gone,  he  says  government  has  taken  them  away  from 
him,  and  drafted  them  into  other  regiments.  Of  course 
this  must  be  so,  and  the  slander  which  the  newspapers 
have  cast  upon  some  of  the  colonels,  that  they  sell  their 
men  at  so  much  per  head  to  other  regiments,  cannot  apply 
to  my  friend  the  Colonel.  It  has  just  occurred  to  me  that 
this  is  an  unnecessary  hiatus  in  my  narrative,  and  while  I 
am  dotting  it  down,  my  wife  is  standing  outside  the  front 
door,  shivering  with  cold,  and  anxious  to  be  admitted 
within. 

At  the  moment  the  bell  was  rung  the  third  time,  my 
friends  all  apparently  understood  who  was  coming,  for  they 
seized  their  coats  and  caps,  declaring  that  it  was  getting 
late,  and  they  thought  they  had  better  be  going.  They  en 
countered  my  wife  in  the  hall,  who  glared  at  them  signifi 
cantly,  and  said  she  trusted  her  unexpected  return  had  not 
frightened  them  away. 

The  Colonel,  who  is  a  very  polite  man,  expressed  his 
regrets  at  being  obliged  to  depart  at  the  moment,  he  said, 
bowing,  when  so  charming  an  addition  was  about  to  be 
made  to  their  society.  He  trusted,  though,  that  before'he 
left  for  the  seat  of  war  he  should  have  the  pleasure  of  pay 
ing  his  respects  to  her,  and  renew  the  acquaintance  he  so 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  il9 

happily  formed  with  her  last  winter  at  one  of  the  artists' 
receptions. 

Whether  it  was  this  flattering  speech  of  the  Colonel's,  or 
the  sight  of  the  gold  lace  and  gilt  buttons  which  covered 
his  manly  form,  which  soothed  my  wife's  feelings,  I  cannot 
positively  declare  ;  but,  at  all  events,  when,  with  me,  she 
entered  the  room  where  the  table  still  stood,  she  did  not 
denounce  my  visitors,  as  I  had  expected  she  would.  She 
did  ask,  though,  why  I  had  selected  the  parlor  for  the 
scene  of  my  festivities,  and  said  that  the  tobacco-smoke 
which  filled  the  room  would  impregnate  her  satin  window- 
curtains  all  winter.  She  wondered,  too,  how  I  could  per 
mit  my  friends  to  spill  their  wine  on  the  carpet,  and 
thought  it  singular  that  I  should  allow  them  to  throw  their 

O  O 

cigar-stumps  into  the  corners  of  the  room.  Then  again  she 
wished  to  know  why  I  had  selected  my  companions  from 
the  military ;  formerly,  she  continued,  artists  and  literary 
men  were  your  friends,  and  she  thought  them  much  more 
refined  than  soldiers. 

"  Oh,  my  dear,"  I  replied,  "  I  have  not  changed  my 
friends,  they  have  only  changed  their  occupation  ;  painters 
and  authors  can't  live  by  their  calling  nowadays,  so  they 
have  been  obliged  to  gird  on  their  swords  and  shoulder 
their  muskets  to  enable  them  to  sustain  existence." 

"  Oh  ! "  exclaimed  my  wife,  doubtingly. 

"  Yes,"  I  answered  ;  "  did  n't  you  recognize  the  gentle 
men  whom  you  passed  in  the  hall  ?  " 

"  No  ! "  she  replied  ;  "  they  were  as  strange  to  me  as  if 
they  had  been  Indians." 

"  Well,  the  Colonel,"  I  said,  "  you  have  only  met  once 
before  ;  but  the  Major  is  our  old  friend  Potter,  the  author 
of  '  Chivalry  and  Beauty,'  and,  as  you  are  aware,  a  poet  of 
some  merit.  The  Captain  —  the  one  in  the  red,  baggy 
trousers  —  is  the  celebrated  artist  Mr.  Splinter,  who  painted 
the  great  historical  picture,  '  The  Murder  of  the  Noisy 
Children,  by  command  of  Herod.'  Splinter,  you  know,  is 


120  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

a  bachelor,  and  dislikes  children  with  all  his  soul.  He 
joined  the  Zouave  regiment  on  account  of  the  picturesque- 
ness  of  the  uniform," 

"  Pray,  who,"  asked  my  wife,  "  is  the  gray-bearded  man, 
with  the  long  cane  surmounted  with  a  silver  knob  as  large 
as  his  own  head  ?  " 

"Ha,  ha !  "  I  shouted.  "  Did  n't  you  recognize  him  ? 
Why,  he  is  our  musical  friend  the  composer,  who  used  to 
play  the  organ  occasionally  at  St.  Jerome's  Church.  He  is 
a  drum-major  now,  and  that  was  his  baton  of  office,  which 
you  presumed  to  be  a  cane." 

"  Well,  I  must  say,"  said  my  wife,  "  that  your  friends  are 
strangely  metamorphosed  since  I  saw  them  last,  and  to 
think  that  these  changes  have  all  been  occasioned  by  the 
war  is  very  sad." 

"  Now,  my  dear,"  I  said,  "  tell  me  something  about  your 
self  and  the  children.  How  have  the  little  ones  been,  and 
why  did  you  not  bring  them  home  with  you  ?  " 

"  Because,"  my  wife  answered,  "  I  understood  that  you 
had  a  new  claimant  for  your  affections,  in  the  person  of  a 
babe  left  here  some  weeks  ago,  under  mysterious  circum 
stances,  and  concerning  which  you  have  never  written  me 
a  word.  I  don't  know "  —  and  here  my  wife  drew  forth 
her  handkerchief —  "  what  I  have  done  to  warrant  such 
treatment  from  you.  If  I  had  not  been  a  loving,  obedient, 
faithful  wife,  I  might  have  expected  you  would  introduce  a 
strange  baby  into  the  house ;  but,  under  the  circumstances, 
I  must  say  that  the  bringing  of  that  child  here  was  a  lib 
erty  which  was  unwarrantable  ; "  and  my  wife  leaned  back 
in  her  chair,  and  covered  her  face  with  her  handker 
chief. 

"  But,  my  dear,"  I  said,  apologetically,  "  I  did  n't  intro 
duce  the  child  here  ;  it  was  left  by  a  woman  whom  I  do 
not  know,  and  whom,  I  assure  you,  I  never  saw  except  on 
th.it  occasion." 

"  Oh,  yes,  that  is  just  what  you  men  always  say,"  she 


MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES.  121 

replied ; "  but  why  did  n't  you  write  to  me  about  it,  and  not 
leave  it  for  gossiping  neighbors  to  inform  me  ?  " 

"  Well,  the  truth  is,"  I  replied,  "  I  really  forgot  all  about 
it.  I  believe  the  child  is  still  in  the  house  ;  but  I  am  not 
certain.  I  took  charge  of  it,  as  well  as  I  knew  how,  the 
first  night  of  its  arrival,  but  since  then  the  cook,  who  con 
ceived  a  fancy  to  it,  has  had  the  entire  control  of  it.  I  be 
lieve  she  has  discovered  who  its  parents  are,  and,  doubtless, 
will  be  able  to  give  you  all  the  information  on  that  point 
which  you  desire." 

"  If  this  be  so,  my  dear  husband,"  she  said,  "  it  is  a  load 
taken  off  my  heart,  for  I  received  a  terrible  shock  when  I 
heard  from  the  ancient  ladies  next  door,  who  wrote  me  that 
they  were  kept  awake  nights  by  a  crying  babe  in  our  house, 
and  that  they  had  seen  it,  and  it  looked  exactly  like"  — 

"  Like  who  ?  "  I  interrupted. 

"  "Well,  they  did  n't  name  any  one,  my  dear,"  my  wife 
answered ;  "  they  simply  put  a  dash  instead." 

"  Leaving  you  to  imagine,"  I  added,  "  that  they  meant 
me." 

"  Undoubtedly,"  said  my  wife. 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  it  is  rather  late  to  test  the  matter  to 
night,  but  to-morrow  you  can  see  and  judge  for  yourself. 
Do  you  know,  my  dear,"  I  added,  "  that  you  have  been 
away  from  me  several  months,  and  you  must  not  be 
surprised  if  I  have,  unintentionally,  adopted  some  of  my 
former  bachelor  habits.  I  go  to  the  play,  I  attend  little 
suppers,  I  indulge  in  a  pipe,  I  keep  a  dog  and  a  night- 
key." 

"  Give  yourself  no  uneasiness  about  them,"  my  wife 
kindly  said ;  "  it  will  not  take  me  long  to  eradicate  such 
habits  in  you,  and,  as  there  is  no  time  like  the  present  in 
which  to  begin  a  reformation,  suppose  you  hand  to  me  your 
pipe  and  night-key." 

"  Certainly,"  I  replied ;  and  without  hesitation  I  gave 
into  her  keeping  my  meerschaum  and  key. 


122  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  Now,"  she  said,  "  as  it  is  quite  late,  and  I  am  weary 
from  my  day's  journey,  suppose  you  turn  out  the  gas,  and 
we  will  go  to  our  room.  To-morrow  we  will  see  the  baby, 
and  decide  as  to  what  we  shall  do  with  it" 

And  we  went. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  123 


TWENTIETH   INFELICITY. 

OVER    OUR    COFFEE. 

jOW,  my  dear,"  I  said  to  the  estimable  lady  who 
presided  for  the  first  time  in  several  months  at 
the  coffee-urn  end  of  the  breakfast-table,  "  allow 
me  to  mention  an  improvement  in  the  manner  of  preparing 
a  cup  of  coffee,  which  I  discovered  by  experiments  made 
during  your  absence.  Not  but  that  your  way  is  very  good, 
my  love,  but  I  think  mine  better." 

"  Oh,  of  course  ! "  said  my  wife,  shaking  back  the  ribbons 
of  her  morning-cap  in  an  unnecessarily  defiant  manner ; 
"  of  course,"  she  repeated,  "  I  have  no  objections  to  learn 
ing  how  to  prepare  a  cup  of  coffee,  notwithstanding  I  have 
made  it  in  accordance  with  the  receipt  my  dear  mother  gave 
me  fifteen  years  ago,  ever  since  we  have  been  married,  and 
never  until  to-day  heard  you  complain  of  it." 

"  But  I  don't  complain  of  it,"  I  answered ;  "  I  simply 
asked  you  to  allow  me  to  tell  you  how  I  made  it  during  your 
absence.  I  don't  even  ask  you  to  adopt  my  mode.  Will 
you  hear  me  ?  " 

"  Well,  I  suppose  I  must,"  she  replied ;  "  but  don't  flatter 
yourself  that  I  shall  feel  under  any  obligations  to  discard  my 
present  way  of  making  it.  My  father  always  said  he  never 
wished  better  coffee  than  that  my  mother  prepared,  —  he 
was  very  particular  in  regard  to  his  .coffee,  —  and  I  make  it 
exactly  as  she  did.  But  let  me  hear  your  mode." 

"  Well,  in  the  first  place,"  I  said,  "  after  the  coffee  is 
nicely  roasted,  I  soak  overnight  as  much  as  I  wish  to  use 
for  my  breakfast  —  say  half  a  pound  for  two  cups  —  in  as 
much  brandy  as  will  cover  it." 


124  MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES. 

"  Good  gracious  !  "  exclaimed  my  wife. 

"  Don't  interrupt  me,  if  you  please,"  I  said.  ';  Then,  in 
the  morning,  I  pound  it  in  a  mahogany  mortar,  which  I 
bought  expressly  for  the  purpose,  and  only  use  for  my  cof 
fee,  till  eacli  berry  is  finely  mashed,  and  the  entire  mass 
has  become  paste-like  in  its  character." 

"  Allow  me  to  ask,"  said  my  wife,  "  how  long  is  it  neces 
sary  to  pound  it  before  its  paste-like  character  is  attained  ?  " 

"  Well,  from  twenty  to  thirty  .minutes,"  I  replied. 

My  wife  cast  up  her  hands  in  astonishment. 

"  If  it  prove  too  dry,"  I  continued,  "  add  more  brandy." 

"  Would  n't  whiskey  answer  ?  "  asked  my  wife,  in  a  sar 
castic  tone  of  voice. 

"  Perhaps  it  would,"  I  replied.  "  I  have  occasionally 
thrown  a  few  lumps  of  loaf-sugar  into  the  mortar,  which 
has  the  effect  of  clarifying  the  coffee.  Then  I  place  the 
pounded  mass  into  an  earthen  coffee-pot,  and  pour  upon  it 
a  cupfull  of  boiling  water.  After  it  has  steeped  for  about 
ten  minutes,  I  add  the  balance  of  water  necessary,  and  in 
five  minutes  thereafter  it  is  ready -for  the  table." 

"  Really,"  my  wife  exclaimed,  as  I  concluded  my  account, 
"  it  may  be  a  very  excellent  mode,  but  it  certainly  is  expen 
sive,  to  say  nothing  of  the  time  consumed  in  making  it. 
Any  day,  however,  that  you  may  like  to  make  it  in  that  way 
yourself,  I  will  not  object ;  but,  for  my  part,  I  think  the 
usual  mode  is  the  better." 

"  Let  me  tell  you,  my  dear,  that  coffee  made  in  this  way- 
is  very  healthy.  The  cook  says  that  she  and  the  strange 
babe  have  grown  fat  on  it." 

"  Indeed  ! "  ejaculated  my  wife  ;  "  and  that  reminds  me 
that  I  have  seen  the  babe,  and  don't  wonder  that  the  cook 
took  such  a  liking  to  it  It  is  a  very  pretty  child,  and,  do 
you  know,  I  think  I  can  tell  whose  it  is." 

"  No  ! "  I  answered,  half  trembling  lest  my  good  name 
should  in  some  unaccountable  manner  become  involved  in 
the  matter. 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  125 

"  Why,  the  moment  I  looked  at  it,  I  recognized  the  re 
semblance  it  bore  to  the  poor  woman  who  used  to  help 
Katy  in  the  washings,  and  whose  husband,  you  know,  be 
longs  to  the  Sixty-Ninth  Regiment.  Indeed,  the  cook  said 
she  knew  it  was  hers,  and  added  that  the  mother  comes 
here  nearly  every  day  to  see  it.  Old  Sallie  says,  moreover, 
she  suspected  it  from  the  first ;  and  when  the  poor  woman 
came  to  the  house  a  few  days  after  the  child  was  left  here, 
and  observed  the  little  one  lying  so  comfortably  in  its  cra 
dle,  she  fairly  wept  for  joy,  and  acknowledged  that  she  was 
its  mother.  The  little  babe's  father,  she  said,  was  away  to 
the  wars,  and  he  had  n't  sent  her  a  single  cent  since  he  left 
her,  and  she  was  obliged  to  go  out  to  day's  work  to  enable 
her  to  get  money  enough  to  live  on,  and  if  she  kept  the  baby 
with  her  she  could  n't  do  it ;  so  she  said,  sobbing, '  I  thought 
that  as  the  missus  here  was  away  from  home,  and  I  knew 
you,'  meaning  the  cook, '  was  a  kind-hearted  body,  that  ye  'd 
keep  the  little  one  till  I  could  get  means  to  take  ca're  of  it 
meself ;  and  't  is  I,  Biddy  McGuire,  that  will  ask  the  Holy 
Vargin,  who  knows  what  it  is  to  be  a  mother,  to  bless  ye, 
and  always  keep  the  pots  a-bilin'  when  ye  've  got  a  nice 
dinner  to  get  for  the  gentleman  above-stairs.'  " 

"  I  am  very  glad,"  I  said,  "  to  learn  the  truth  of  the  mat 
ter.  To  be  frank,  my  dear,  it  has  annoyed  me  not  a  little, 
for  one's  neighbors  are  so  censorious  and  given  to  gossip-, 
that  I  could  n't  tell  what  they  might  say  about  it.  It  will 
be  better,  however,  for  the  mother  to  take  the  child  home 
with  her  than  to  leave  her  here  any  longer.  If  she  needs 
assistance,  why  you  can  help  her,  and  I  have  no  doubt  her 
husband  will  send  her  money  before  long." 

"  Very  well,"  my  wife  answered  ;  "  if  she  comes  here  to 
day,  I  will  see  in  regard  to  it." 

"  Do  so,"  I  replied  ;  "  and  now  if  you  will  give  me  another 
cup  of  coffee,  I  will  thank  you.  While  I  don't  wish  to  clis- 
p:r-noro  my  own  coffee,  I  will  say  this  for  yours,  that  I  have 
r.ev:r  rlrnnk  anv  made  in  this  manner  which  I  like  better." 


126  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  I  am  glad  you  are  pleased  with  it,"  she  replied ;  "  but  1 
could  make  much  superior  coffee  if  I  had  a  new  urn.  You 
half-promised  me  once  to  take  me  down  to  Burling  Slip,  to 
your  old  friend  Mr.  Hart's,  where  I  could  select  one  of  his 
make." 

"  Very  well,"  I  said ;  "  you  may  go  there  any  time  you 
like,  and  I  dare  say  you  will  find  one  there  that  will  please 
even  your  fastidious  taste." 

"  It  would  be  so  nice,"  my  wife  remarked,  "  to  have  an 
entire  silver-plated  service  on  our  table  at  Thanksgiving- 
time,  which,  you  know,  will  be  here  in  a  few  days." 

"  It  would  indeed,  my  dear,  be  very  nice,  as  you  say,"  I 
replied  ;  "  but  I  really  don't  see  how  I  can  afford  it.  The 
times  are  so  hard  now,  and  I  am  making  so  little  money, 
that  we  must  live  very  economically  till  the  prospects  are 
fairer." 

"  Certainly,"  my  wife  answered,  "  I  am  ready  to  econo 
mize  in  any  way  you  may  suggest,  if  by  so  doing  I  can  get 
a  set  of  silver.  For  instance,  I  might  give  up  drinking 
tea  and  you  coffee.  Your  way  of  making  it  costs  about 
fifty  cents  a  cup,  and  if  our  entire  household  should  drink 
their  usual  proportion  of  it,  it  would  come  to  about  two  dol 
lars  a  day,  which  would  amount,  in  the  course  of  the  year, 
to  seven  hundred  dollars.  Quite  an  item,  you  will  allow, 
in  the  yearly  expenses,  and  which,  if  saved,  would  enable 
us  to  purchase  some  very  handsome  solid  silver  table  arti 
cles  ;  but  for  my  part,  I  would  be  contented  with  a  heavily 
plated  service." 

"  But  if  we  must  give  up  coffee  and  tea  to  obtain  them, 
what  would  be  the  use  of  having  them  at  all  ?  If  you  don't 
intend  to  use  your  coffee-urn  or  teapot,  I  see  no  reason  for 
getting  them." 

"  Oh  !  "  exclaimed  my  wife,  evidently  overwhelmed  ;  "  but 
—  but"  — 

"  I  don't  see  it,"  I  said. 

"  Well,  if  we  had  company,  you  know,"  she  continued, 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  127 

after  a  pause,  "why  then  it  would  be  necessary  to  have 
both  tea  and  coffee.  And,  perhaps,  we  might  give  up  some 
other  luxury." 

"  New  bonnets,  for  instance  ?  "  I  suggested. 

"  Well,  no ;  I  could  n't  very  well  do  without  a  bonnet," 
she  said  ;  "  but  there  are  other  articles  which  we  might  do 
without." 

''What?"  I  asked. 

"  Cigars,  wines,  and  costly  dinners." 

"  Certainly,"  I  replied  ;  "  anything  else  ?  " 

"  Let  riie  think  a  moment,"  she  said.  "  Oh,  you  talk 
about  getting  a  new  overcoat ;  don't  you  think  your  old  one 
will  answer,  if  it  has  new  buttons  and  is  carefully  repaired  ?  " 

"  Why,  of  course  it  will,"  I  replied  :  u  what  a  suggestive 
mind  you  possess.  Now  is  there  nothing  else  ? " 

"  No  !  "  said  my  wife,  thoughtfully,  "  I  think  that  -is  all 
that  will  be  necessary ;  but  if  more  be  required,  I  will  give 
up  my  usual  box  of  gloves  on  Christmas,  and  only  buy  a 
pair  at  a  time  as  I  may  want  them." 

"  Very  well,"  I  said.  "  I  see  nothing  in  the  way,  then,  to 
prevent  you  from  getting  the  silver  as  soon  as  you  can  lay 
by  sufficient  money  to  purchase  it  with.  And  now,  I  must 
be  off  to  business.  Good-bye,  my  dear." 

And  kissing  my  wife  on  both  cheeks,  I  hastily  departed, 
leaving  her  slightly  astonished,  and  wondering  when  she 
should  be  able  to  make  her  little  investment  in  silver  ware. 


128  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 


FOURTH   FELICITY. 

PEACE    AT    LAST. 

you  know,  my  dear,"  I  said  to  the  fair  woman 
who  has  the  misfortune  to  be  my  wife,  as  we  sat 
together  in  the  library  the  other  evening,  —  it 
chanced  to  be  the  anniversary  of  our  marriage,  —  "  that  I 
have  been  thinking  recently,  and  especially  was  it  in  my 
thoughts  during  your  visit  to  your  mother,  that  you  really 
might  have  obtained  a  better  husband  than  you  did  ? " 

"  0h,  as  for  that,"  she  replied,  "  I  made  up  my  mind  to 
that  effect  years  ago  ;  in  fact,  we  had  n't  been  married  a 
month  before  I  discovered  the  mistake  I  had  made.  But, 
as  it  was  too  late  then  to  make  any  change,  I  resolved  to 
make  the  best  of  the  husband  I  had  obtained.  Now  there 
was  Charley"  — 

"  Never  mind,  my  dear,"  I  interposed,  "  about  reviving 
the  names  of  any  of  your  old  beaux.  I  don't  wish  to 
hear  aught  about  them ;  and  as  they  are  all  either  dead  and 
buried,  or  married,  which  amounts  to  about  the  same 
thing  —  the  less  said  in  relation  to  them  the  better." 

"  Well,  I  don't  know  about  that  either,"  she  answered  ; 
"  there  are  such  things  in  this  world  as  divorces,  and, 
moreover,  there  are  such  persons  as  widowers.  My  old 
friend,  Dr.  Brown,  whom  I  knew  long  before  I  ever  met 
you,  is  a  widower;  and  Parson  Hill  is  another;  and 
Judge " — 

"  Yes,  yes,"  I  cried,  "  I  know  them  very  well ;  their 
wives,  let  me  tell  you,  died  of  broken  hearts,  from  the 
effects  of  their  ill-treatment.  Butchers,  my  love,  could  not 
be  more  savage  and  cruel  to  innocent  lambs,  than  they 


MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES.  129 

were  to  their  wives.  It 's  a  fact,  and  the  whole  neighbor 
hood,  as  you  know,  used  to  talk  about  their  inhuman  treat 
ment." 

"  I  must  say,  on  the  contrary,"  said  the  obstinate  little 
woman,  "  that  I  never  heard  a  whisper  breathed  against 
their  kindness  and  tenderness.  Why,  just  look  at  the 
beautiful  monuments  they  have  erected  over  their  wives' 
graves,  and  the  lovely  poetry  inscribed  upon  them ! " 

"  Plum ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  that  is  an  easy  thing  to  do ; 
but  it  don't  follow  that,  because  one  erects  a  monument  a 
hundred  feet  high  over  his  buried  wife,  that  he  loved  her  a 
hundred-fold  better  than  he  who  simply  plants  a  rose-bush 
at  the  head  of  his  darling's  grave.  It  is  almost  proverbial, 
too,  that  epitaphs  never  tell  the  truth  ;  and  if  you  should 
die,  my  dear,  though  I  would  mourn  for  you  very  sincerely, 
I  do  not  believe  that  I  would  place  more  than  a  simple 
slab  above  your  grave,  inscribed  with  your  name  and  age." 

"  Of  course  you  would  n't,"  my  wife  exclaimed,  the  tears 
rising  to  her  eyes ;  "  it  would  be  as  much  as  I  could  expect, 
if  you  were  to  give  me  even  a  decent  burial,  —  leaving  the 
matter  of  a  monument  or  tombstone  entirely  out  of  the 
question." 

"  Pshaw  !  my  dear,"  I  replied ;  "  is  there  any  use  in  your 
talking  that  way,  I  should  like  to  know  ?  In  the  first  place, 
your  health  is  perfectly  good,  and  "  — 

"  My  health  good  !  "  she  interrupted.  "  Why  there  never 
was  a  more  feeble  woman  than  I  am.  You  know  how 
weak  and  ill  I  have  been  ever  since  we  were  married,  and 
that  I  am  liable  to  die  any  moment.  But  you  are  used  to 
hearing  me  say  so,  and  seeing  me  in  this  condition.  My 
mother  knows  how  precarious  my  life  is,  and  she  told  me, 
the  very  hour  before  I  started  to  come  home,  that  I  must 
be  very  careful  of  myself;  that  I  must  not  entertain  too 
much  company,  —  especially  your  bachelor  friends;  for 
that  my  life  hung  on  a  thread,  and  that  I  might  die  any 
moment." 

9 


130  MATRIMONIAL  INFELICITIES. 

"  Good  Heavens  !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  if  there  be  one  thing 
more  than  another  which  I  dislike,  it  is  for  your  mother 
to  tell  you  that  you  are  feeble.  To  my  certain  knowledge, 
she  has  repeated  those  identical  words  to  you  at  least  fifty 
times  every  year  since  we  were  married,  and  I  believe  she 
only  does  it  to  frighten  you,  and  provoke  me." 

"  Well,  you  are  cruel,  cruel  as  the  grave,"  my  wife  cried, 
now  quite  excited  ;  "  and  I  '11  no  longer  live  under  the  same 
house  with  one  who  has  no  more  consideration  for  my 
feelings  and  happiness  than  you  have.  My  dear  mother, 
who  has  only  her  child's  welfare  at  heart,  can't  give  me 
any  advice  but  you  get  angry  at  her  for  it." 

'•  I  don't  get  angry  ht  her,"  I  replied.  "  I  am  only  vexed 
at  her  for  trying  to  create  a  disturbance  between  us.  If 
she  'd  let  you  and  I  manage  our  own  household,  without 
forever  suggesting  this  or  that  to  you,  we  should  know 
more  peaceful  days  than  we  do. 

"  I  '11  tell  you  what,  my  dear,"  I  continued,  after  a  pause, 
during  which  my  wife  had  kept  her  handkerchief  to  her 
eyes,  in  a  way  that  suggested  weeping,  —  "I  '11  tell  you 
what,"  I  repeated,  "  I  had  further  been  thinking  about 
during  your  absence,  and,  if  I  am  not  greatly  mistaken,  it 
will  be  conducive  of  peace  in  our  home." 

My  wife  removed  the  handkerchief  from  her  eyes,  and 
asked  me  what  I  meant. 

"  I  mean  this,  my  dear,"  I  answered :  "  I  purpose  to  re 
move  from  the  city  into  the  country.  I  believe  that  there 
by  your  health  will  be  greatly  improved,  the  fresh  air  will, 
I  (Joubt  not,  bring  back  the  roses  to  your  cheeks,  and  the 
quiet  incident  to  a  country  life,  together  with  the  tender 
communings  which  our  hearts  will  hold  with  nature,  will 
bring  peace  to  us  at  last  Besides,"  I  said,  "  the  temptations 
which  assail  us  both  in  the  city,  will  not  exist  to  the  same 
extent  in  the  country.  There  are  no  Stewarts  with  their 
marble  dry-goods  stores  in  the  country  to  tempt  you  into 
going  a-shopping.  There  are  no  Tillmans,  with  Parisian 


MATRIMONIAL   INFELICITIES.  131 

bonnets,  to  make  you  distracted  three  or  four  times  a  year 
after  a  new  hat ;  everybody,  —  that  is  every  female  body,  — 
in  the  country,  wears  sun-bonnets,  made  of  pasteboard 
and  calico,  neat  and  tasteful  affairs,  which  they  make  them 
selves.  The  opera  is  an  unknown  institution  ;  but  you  can 
hear  better  music  without  price,  if  you  will  only' rise  betimes 
in  the  morning,  and,  opening  your  chamber-window,  listen 
to  the  songs  the  birds  sing  amidst  the  swaying  branches. 
Early  rising,  too,  is  conducive  to  health,  and  a  ramble 
through  the  woods  is  better  than  a  promenade  on  the 
fashionable  side  of  Broadway.  Again,  the  cost  of  living 
in  the  country  is  half  of  what  it  is  in  the  city.  The  rents 
bear  no  comparison  to  city  rents,  add  we  can  enjoy  the 
fresh  vegetables  just  out  of  our  own  garden,  which  is 
more  than  we  can  say  of  those  from  Washington  Market. 
The  children !  ah,  my  dear,  think  of  the  children !  How 
they  will  improve  by  a  change  from  town  to  country. 
They  will  have  plenty  of  good  milk,  and  lots  of  currants, 
and  roses,  and  apples,  and  nuts,  and  all  those  kind  of 
things.  They  will  grow  fat,  and  sunburnt,  and  freckled, 
and  tear  their  clothes  climbing  trees,  and  generally  have  a 
good  time  of  it ;  and  then  it  will  be  so  nice  for  me  to  have 
my  bachelor  friends  come  out  to  see  me,  and  we  can  give 
them  fresh  eggs,  and  strawberries  and  cream,  and  —  oh,  if 
there  be  one  thing  I  like  more  than  another,  it  will  be  to 
live  in  the  country  with  you  and  ours." 

I  suppose  my  wife  was  too  overjoyed  to  speak ;  so  she 
only  nodded  her  head  acquiescently  smiled,  half  sadly,  and 
looked  forth  into  the  deepening  twilight,  while  I  moved 
rearer  towards  her  and  clasped  her  hand  in  mine. 

And  so,  when  winter  had  glided  by,  May  came,  we  went 
into  the  country,  where,  undisturbed  by  city  trials,  we  have 
found  peace  at  last,  and  all  manner  of  agreeable  matrimo 
nial  felicities. 


MY  NEIGHBORS. 
I. 

JACK    POTTS    AND    WIFE    NEW-YEAR'S    MORNING. 

[0  appreciate  *the  value  of  kind  neighbors,  and  to 
realize  the  pestiferousness  of  evil  disposed  ones,  it 
is  necessary  to  reside  either  in  the  country  or  in  a 
small  village.  In  the  city  there  exists  no  such  race  of 
beings  as  neighbors.  A  city  neighbor  would  be  an  anom 
aly.  The  persons  who  may  chance  to  dwell  for  a  year  or 
two  in  the  house  adjoining  yours,  are  never  anything  more 
to  you  than  "  the  family  that  lives  next  door."  Whether 
they  be  Christians  or  Jews  is  to  you  a  matter  of  almost 
perfect  indifference.  As  long  as  they  do  not  throw  their 
Croton  over  your  door-steps,  nor  place  their  ash-boxes  on 
your  twenty-five  feet  front,  you  are  contented.  They  may 
have  a  houseful  of  young  ladies,  who  take  turns  in  thrum- 
ruing  on  the  piano  all  day,  or  as  many  gentlemen  boarders, 
who  practise  blowing  on  French-horns  and  key-bugles  all 
night ;  but  you  never  think  of  interfering  with  their  occu 
pations,  and  asking  them  to  put  away  their  pianos  and 
French-horns.  You  simply  regard  the  matter  as  a  nui* 
sance,  but  one  which  you  are  obliged  to  tolerate.  In  the 
country,  however,  neighbors  are  neighbors,  —  whether  they 
dwell  next  door,  or  over  the  way,  or  around  the  corner. 
For  my  own  part,  I  have  lots  of  neighbors  who  live  round 
about.  Of  course  my  home  is  not  in  the  city :  no,  I  re 
side  in  a  little,  lopsided  town,  built  on  the  sunniest  slope 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  133 

of  a  hill,  and  striving  hard  to  extend  itself  over  on  the 
other  side  ;  but,  as  yet,  all  of  its  efforts  have  proved  unsuc 
cessful,  and  only  half  a  dozen  rickety,  wooden  houses  have 
gone  up  on  its  northern  declivity. 

The  name  of  this  little  town,  though  not  inscribed  on 
any  map,  is,  however,  very  well  known  to  its  inhabitants  ; 
and  is  even  taught  by  most  of  its  school-madams  to  their 
pupils  of  tenderest  years.  It  is  said,  though  with  how 
much  truth  I  cannot  tell,  that  when  once  these  children 
have  learned  the  same  by  heart,  they  never  forget  it.  If 
this  be  so,  it  speaks  well  for  the  ability  displayed  by  these 
juveniles  of  Lollipop.  Lollipop  is  the  name  of  the  town. 
There  are  a  good  many  honest  people  in  Lollipop  besides 
my  neighbors  round  about ;  but  as  it  is  only  the  latter  of 
whom  I  desire  to  speak,  I  will  not  excite  the  vanity  of  the 
others,  by  recording  in  this  account  of  my  own  neighbors, 
any  of  the  wonderful  deeds  the  former  have  either  done  or 
contemplate  some  day  doing. 

Being  a  bachelor,  and  living  in  chambers,  my  nearest 
neighbors,  of  course,  are  those  who  occupy  the  adjoining 
apartment.  It  is  of  these  whom  I  feel  in  duty  bound  first 
to  speak.  Being  married  each  to  the  other,  they  are  re 
garded  by  their  friends  generally  as  essentially  one  party, 
but  I  have  discovered,  from  my  closer  proximity  to  them, 
that  they  mutually  regard  each  other  as  separate  and  inde 
pendent  beings.  His  name  is  John,  familiarly  called  by  his 
intimate  associates  Jack  Potts.  His  wife's  name  is  Deb 
orah,  which  he  shortens  into  Deb  or  Debby,  when  coming 
the  affectionate.  They  are  an  ill-matched  couple,  both  in 
regard  to  size  and  disposition.  Jack  is  short  and  thick, 
and  Deb  tall  and  slender.  Jack  is  full  of  jokes  and  good 
nature  ;  Deb  overflows  with  bile  and  ill-humor.  Jack  per 
forms  all  the  laughing  ;  Deb  all  the  scolding.  The  parti 
tion  wall  between  our  rooms  is  very  thin,  —  remarkably  so, 
I  think,  —  and  in  consequence  I  overhear  much  of  their 
conversation,  which,  I  am  inclined  to  believe,  was  never  in- 


134  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

tended  for  my  ears.  To  confess  the  truth,  their  conversa 
tions  have  prejudiced  me  against  the  institution  of  matri 
mony.  Their  case  may  be  an  exception,  —  I  trust  it  is ; 
but  it  strikes  me  that  the  holy  estate  of  matrimony,  viewed 
from  my  point  of  view,  and  seen,  as  exemplified  in  the 
daily  life  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Potts,  is  an  estate  which 
I  prefer  rather  to  avoid  than  enter.  I  am  decidedly  a  man 
of  a  mild  and  social  disposition,  and  possessed,  even,  of  a 
religious  turn  of  mind.  It  is,  therefore,  with  a  feeling  of 
great  regret,  accompanied,  moreover,  with  some  fear,  that 
I  listen  to  the  almost  daily  bickerings  and  contentions  of 
my  neighbors  in  the  next  room.  I  have  sometimes  thought 
that  I  would  gently  rap  on  the  partition  wall,  and  politely 
desire  them  to  cease  their  strife,  but  actually  I  have  been 
afraid  to  do  so.  Not,  however,  through  fear  of  Jack,  but 
of  Mrs.  Deborah.  Therefore  I  have,  wisely  I  think,  held 
my  peace,  and  contented  myself  by  sending  to  them 
through  the  post-office  sundry  tracts  and  printed  sermons 
of  a  peace-promoting  character.  One  tract  I  remember  in 
particular,  which  I  thought  appropriate,  was  entitled  "  Lit 
tle  children,  love  one  another."  I  have  also  published  in 
the  "  Ladies '  Wreath  "  various  articles  headed  "  House 
hold  Warfare."  In  these  papers  I  alluded  very  plainly  to 
the  case  under  consideration,  but  without,  I  am  sorry  to  say, 
effecting  any  good  result.  I  now  propose  to  state  the  case 
still  more  plainly,  and  let  the  public  hear  the  conversation 
which  occurred  between  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Potts 

ON  NEW-TEAR'S  MORNING. 

On  that  morning,  while  I  still  was  in  bed,  I  overheard 
John  say  to  his  wife  that  he  had  concluded  to  make  a  few 
calls  on  his  acquaintances. 

"  That  will  be,"  exclaimed  Deborah,  "  a  fine  thing  for 
you  to  do,  Mr.  Potts ;  yes,  you  had  better  go  and  leave  your 
precious  wife  all  alone  on  this  first  day  of  the  new  year,  with 
not  a  soul  to  comfort  her,  and  the  children  gone  to  their 
grandmother's." 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  135 

"  But,  my  dear,"  said  Jack,  in  a  lively  tone,  "  you  can  sit 
up  for  callers  yourself." 

"  Sit  up,  indeed  !  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  P. ;  "  and  how  many 
callers  do  you  imagine  that  I  would  be  likely  to  have  ? 
Not  one,  except  that  odious,  long-legged  fellow  in  the  next 
room,  and  he  '11  be  certain  to  come  poking  in  on  me,  with 
his  nasty  pipe  in  his  mouth,  about  dinner-time." 

I  was  "  that  odious,  long-legged  fellow  in  the  next  room  " 
referred  to,  and  I  immediately  resolved  not  to  trouble  Mrs 
Potts  in  the  way  of  which  she  had  spoken. 

"  "Well,  but,  my  dear,"  remarked  Jack,  "  you  need  not 
speak  so  loud,  or  our  neighbor  will  be  certain  to  hear  you, 
and  get  angry,  and  then,  I  should  like  to  know,  who  will 
bring  home  peanuts  and  candies  to  the  children  ?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,  stick  up  for  him,  do  !  It 's  no  matter,  I  sup 
pose,  if  he  does  puff  his  dirty  tobacco-smoke  into  your  dear, 
suffering  wife's  eyes  and  throat,  till  she  's  almost  dead  ! 
No,  I  must  bear  it,  because  he  once  gave  the  children  a  few 
cents'  worth  of  candy  ;  and  did  n't  they  stick  themselves  all 
up  with  it,  and  daub  the  door-knobs,  which  caused  you  to 
swear,  Mr.  Potts,  when  you  took  hold  of  them  ;  and  was  n't 
Phoebe  Jane  sick  for  two  weeks  after  eating  the  mussy 
stuff!" 

"  But,"  said  John,  "  Phoebe  Jane  was  ill  of  the  measles, 
and  not  from  eating  candy." 

"  Well,  but  you  know  yourself,  Potts  that  I  always  said 
—  and  I  '11  say  it  to  my  dying  day,  which  can't  be  far  off, 
for  I  feel  my  constitution  breaking  up  —  that  the  measles 
was  brought  to  Phoebe  Jane  in  the  paper  around  the 
candy." 

"  Nonsense  ! "  exclaimed  Jack,  laughing. 

"  Very  well,  you  may  say  nonsense,  and  laugh  at  me  if 
you  like,  but  I  know  it  was  so ;  else  why  did  n't  the  other 
children  have  it  ?  " 

John  replied  "  that  he  did  not  know  why." 

"  Of  course  you  don't,  said  Mrs.  P. ;  "  but  I  do.     It  was 


136  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

because  none  of  the  other  children  played  with  that  piece 
of  paper." 

This  was  evidently  a  poser,  and  John  made  no  reply,  but 
proceeded  to  blacken  his  boots,  brushing  away  with  great 
energy.  Mrs.  Potts,  too,  paused  to  take  breath. 

"  Oh,  you  need  n't,"  at  last  she  exclaimed,  —  and  I  dis 
tinctly  heard  her  turn  over  in  bed,  so  as  to  obtain  a  better 
view  of  her  liege  lord,  — "  you  need  n't,"  she  repeated, "  take 
so  much  pains  in  blacking  those  boots :  they  look  plenty 
good  enough  to  stay  at  home  in,  and  it  is  n't  likely  that  any 
one  but  myself  will  see  them." 

"  The  greater  reason,  then,  my  dear,  why  I  should  take 
extra  pains  with  them.  I  always  like,  you  know,  to  appear 
well  before  you.  Do  you  know,  old  girl,"  —  and  Jack 
stopped  brushing,  and  looked  up  over  his  spectacles  at  his 
wife,  —  "  that  I  came  very  near  to  buying  a  pair  of  patent- 
leather  boots,  to  go  to  church  in  with  you  on  Sundays  ?  " 

Mrs.  Potts  said  she  did  not  —  and  requested  him  not  to 
address  her  as  "  old  girl "  again,  for  that  she  would  n't  put 
up  with  it.  Then,  after  a  pause,  she  added,  "  I  trust  you 
won't  be  such  a  fool,  Potts,  as  to  buy  such  kind  of  boots 
in  these  hard  times." 

"  To  wear  other  than  on  Sundays,"  said  Jack,  "  and  in 
your  company,  of  course  not ;  but  on  the  Sabbath,  when  I 
go  to  church,  accompanied  by  you  and  our  five  children,  I 
feel  as  if  I  were  walking  on  gold  dust,  and  nothing  was 
too  good  for  me  to  wear." 

"  And  I  feel,"  chimed  in  Mrs.  P.,  "  as  if  I  were  walking 
on  eggs,  for  I  'm  so  afraid  that  the  children  will  tumble 
down  and  soil  their  clean  clothes." 

Thereupon  Jack,  who  had  finished  his  boots,  commenced 
humming  "  Old  Hundred,"  while  he  walked  the  chamber, 
opening  and  closing  drawers  as  if  in  search  of  something, 
till  at  last  I  heard  him  turn  a  key  in  its  lock,  when  Mrs. 
Potts  immediately  shouted,  "  There,  now,  John,  you  need  n't 
go  to  that  closet,  for  you  won't  find  your  vest  there,  if  that 's 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  137 

what  you're  looking  for.  You  '11  only  tumble  up  my  dresses 
and  make  me  trouble,  without  doing  yourself  any  good. 
There,  you  're  mussing  my  brocade.  I  can  tell  by  the  rus 
tling  it  makes.  You  're  the  meanest  man,  Potts  "  —  but  1 
lost  the  remainder  of  Mrs.  P.'s  remark  through  Jack's 
shouting  aloud,  "  Here  it  is ;  I've  found  it ! "  And  then  I 
heard  Mrs.  Potts  rise  quickly  from  bed,  and  hastily  close 
the  closet-door  and  lock  it,  while  Jack  remained  on  the 
inside. 

"  I  '11  teach  you,"  I  heard  Mrs.  P.  say,  as  she  returned  to 
bed,  "  to  rummage  among  my  dresses." 

For  a  few  moments  all  was  quiet ;  at  length  Jack  knocked 
on  the  door  of  his  prison.  Mrs.  Potts  said  not  a  word. 
Jack  knocked  again  ;  still  no  reply  from  Mrs.  P.  "  Come, 
my  dear,  Jack  said,  in  coaxing  tones,  "  unlock  the  door  — 
you  've  carried  the  joke  far  enough."  But  Mrs.  Deborah 
still  remained  silent.  "  If  you  don't,  Mrs.  Potts,"  Jack 
cried,  after  a  pause,  "  I  '11  pull  down  all  your  dresses." 

"  Do  if  you  dare,"  cried  the  excellent  Mrs.  P.  "  Oh, 
you  mean  wretch  you ! "  she  added,  as  by  the  rustling  of 
the  dresses  she  discovered  that  he  was  putting  his  threat 
into  execution.  "  Now,  I  '11  never  unlock  the  door  for  you." 
Then  another  pause  followed,  —  of  short  duration,  however, 
—  and  the  warlike  Jack  kicked  open  the  door,  and  marched 
forth  arrayed  in  his  white  vest,  and  with  Mrs.  P.'s  best 
bonnet,  which  had  fallen  from  its  hook,  on  the  top  of  his 
head. 

Mrs.  Potts  groaned,  and  said,  "  My  sweet  little  bonnet ! " 

The  mean  man  threw  it  at  her. 

"  Now  that  you  've  got  your  white  vest,  Mr  Potts,  I  sup 
pose  you  're  satisfied  ?  " 

Mr.  Potts  said  that  he  was. 

"  A  pretty  state  you  and  your  white  vest  will  be  in  when 
ni^ht  comes,"  cried  Deborah. 

>j  • 

Jack  grunted  out,  "  Humph  ! " 

Mrs.  Potts,  anxious  for  the  last  word,  said  "  Humph  in 
deed  ! " 


138  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

And  then  the  incorrigible  Jack  left  the  chamber,  hum 
ming  a  bacchanalian  song. 

Shortly  thereafter  I  heard  the  street-door  cautiously  un-. 
bolted,  and  looking  from  my  window  I  saw  Jack  —  arrayed 
in  his  white  vest,  and  a  blue  coat  with  gilt  buttons,  with  a 
shining  hat  on  his  head  and  polished  boots  on  his  feet  — 
leaving  the  house.  Just  as  he  turned  the  corner  he  glanced 
up  at  his  chamber-window,  and,  catching  sight  of  Mrs. 
P.'s  face  thereat,  blew  his  nose  in  a  defiant  manner,  and 
vanished. 

Thereupon  Mrs.  P.  ejaculated,  "  The  brute !  "  and  im 
mediately  left  the  room.  Afterward,  when  I  descended 
the  stairs,  on  my  way  out  to  breakfast  at  "  The  Beautiful 
Gates,"  I  overheard  her  ordering  Betty  to  bring  up  to  the 
dining-room  the  cold  chicken-pie  of  yesterday,  and  a  bot 
tle  of  lie  from  the  cellar 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  139 


II. 

JACK    POTTS    AND    WIFE    NEW   TEAR'S    NIGHT. 


after  Jack  Potts  disappeared  around  the 

i«         j*. 

M-|  street-corner,  on  New-  Year  morning,  I,  having  fin 
•=*  ished  my  toilet,  sallied  out  in  the  same  direction. 
While  discussing  my  coffee  and  the  morning  paper  together, 
at  "  The  Beautiful  Gate,"  Jack,  accompanied  by  half  a  dozen 
clever  fellows,  entered  and  called  for  hot  whisky  punches, 
which  he  and  his  party  apparently  imbibed  with  great  sat 
isfaction.  I  came  to  the  conclusion  then,  that  both  Jack 
and  his  white  vest  would  "  be  in  a  pretty  state  "  when  night 
came.  I  was  more  fully  impressed  with  the  truthfulness  of 
this  remark  of  Mrs.  Potts's  as  the  day  wore  on,  and  I  en 
countered  Jack  at  several  different  places  where  I  called. 
On  last  meeting  him,  just  at  evening,  he  desired  me  to  give 
to  Mrs.  Potts,  for  himfc  when  I  should  go  home,  his  hat, 
(hie,)  together  with  the  compliments  of  the  season,  (hie,) 
and  to  say  that  he  would  bring  his  white  (hie)  vest  along 
with  himself  toward  morning. 

Of  course,  I  had  no  intention  of  complying  with  either 
of  these  preposterous  requests,  although,  in  a  general  way, 
I  promised  Jack  that  I  would.  When,  however,  I  prepared 
to  depart,  after  Jack  had  left,  I  discovered  that  my  hat  was 
missing.  Jack,  to  make  certain  that  I  would  take  his  hat 
home,  had  worn  mine  off  with  him,  and  left  his  own  in  its 
place.  I  should  not  have  recognized  it  as  Jack's,  were  it 
not  that  his  name  was  written  in  its  crown.  Jack  had  issued 
forth  in  the  morning  with  the  glossiest  of  hats,  but,  alas  ! 
it  now  looked  as  if  its  course  was  nearly  run,  and  its  palm 
iest  days  departed.  Such  a  shapeless,  napless,  battered, 


140  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

used-up  hat  —  such  a  bunged-in  and  bulged-out  hat  —  such 
a  broken  brimmed  and  cracked  crowned  hat  —  and,  alto 
gether,  such  an  inebriated,  dissipated,  tight,  drunken-look 
ing  old  hat  as  it  had  become,  was  truly  sorrowful  for  one 
of  my  correct  habits  to  behold. 

If  it  could  possibly  have  resulted  in  any  good,  I  would 
have  stormed  and  blasted  Jack  Potts  and  his  hat ;  but, 
knowing  that  such  proceeding  on  my  part  could  be  of  no 
benefit,  and  Jack,  with  my  hat,  being  irrevocably  gone,  I 
was  fain  to  place  the  unfortunate  hat  on  my  own  head,  and 
forthwith  start  for  home.  It  had  been  my  intention  to  make 
several  more  calls  on" my  neighbors  round  about,  but  Jack's 
hat  acted  like  an  extinguisher ;  and,  when  I  came  to  put  it 
on,  it  fairly  put  out  all  further  plans  of  such  a  nature.  For 
how,  I  asked  myself,  could  I  appear  at  the  door  of  any  re 
spectable  house  in  Lollipop,  and  expect  to  be  admitted 
therein,  while  wearing  such  a  punched  and  punchy-looking 
hat  ?  No,  indeed  ;  I  must  go  home. 

It  is  no  very  pleasant  thing,  as  I  discovered,  for  a  sober 
man  to  appear  in  the  full-moon  lighted  streets,  wearing  a 
drunken  fellow's  hat  It  renders  him  liable  to  be  remarked 
about,  in  a  manner  no  way  flattering  to  his  vanity.  It  even 
exposes  him  to  being  made  a  target  of  for  the  snow-balls 
of  malicious  boys.  There  is  no  end,  indeed,  to  the  little 
inconveniences  and  unpleasantnesses  attendant  upon  wear 
ing  this  style  of  hat. 

Suppose,  after  having  blocks  of  ice  and  balls  of  snow 
thrown  at  you,  you  take  off  the  hat  which  is  "the  cause  of 
your  trouble,  and  hide  it,  as  I  did,  under  your  great-coat, 
you  think,  perhaps,  that  you  have  done  a  wise  thing.  To 
be  sure,  the  north  wind  drives  the  drifting  snow  into  your 
eyes,  and  sifts  it  through  your  hair,  till  your  head  feels  like 
a  frost-bitten  pippin ;  but  even  this  is  preferable,  you  think, 
to  hearing  yourself  spoken  of  as  being  "  on  a  spree,"  and 
insolently  requested  by  passers-by  to  show  your  paces,  as 
if  you  were  on  a  race-course.  But,  by-and-by,  a  boy  meets 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  141 

you  ;  as  you  pass,  he  stops,  turns  round,  looks  after  you, 
and  then  shouts  aloud,  "  Halloo  !  old  fellow,  I  say,  what 
asylum  did  you  get  out  of?  was  the  weather  pretty  warm 
there  when  you  left  ? "  and  then  the  rascal  deliberately 
shies  a  snow-ball  at  you,  which  makes  its  mark,  as  one  did 
on  me,  on  your  defenceless  head.  So  you  put  on  your  hat 
again,  as  I  did,  thinking  it  quite  as  well  to  be  taken  for  a 
tipsy  chap,  who  knew  enough  to  keep  his  head  covered, 
as  for  a  crazy  man  who  did  not.  Rendered,  at  last,  quite 
desperate,  you  even  essay  to  imitate,  in  the  darkish  portions 
of  the  street,  the  gait  of  the  toper  whose  hat  you  have  on, 
and  try  to  imagine  —  vainly,  of  course  —  the  feelings  which 
such  a  one  must  have,  so  situated.  If  you  are  a  long  dis 
tance  from  home,  as  I  was,  you  run  a  great  many  terrible 
risks  —  escaping  some,  and  encountering  others  —  before 
you  finally  reach  your  own  domicil. 

When,  however,  I  gained  the  door  of  Jack's  house,  not 
wishing  to  disturb  Mrs.  Potts,  I  proceeded  very  carefully 
to  open  it  with  my  latch-key,  and  then,  with  the  least  pos 
sible  noise,  I  entered  the  hall.  I  even  took  off  my  boots, 
so  as  to  render  my  footsteps  inaudible  ;  but  no  sooner  did 
I  begin  to  ascend  the  stairs,  than  the  parlor-door  was 
thrown  open  by  Mrs.  Potts  herself,  who,  in  a  very  bland 
tone,  said  that  she  hoped  I  was  not  intending  to  go  to  my 
own  room  without  making  her  a  New- Year  call.  Mine 
would  be  another  name,  she  said,  added  to  her  list  of  call 
ers,  which  she  was  keeping  to  show  to  Mr.  Potts,  on  his 
return  home  ;  and,  by  the  by,  had  I,  she  asked,  met  the 
gentleman  in  my  wanderings  through  the  town  ? 

"  Oh,  yes,"  I  replied ;  "  and  he  evidently  was  enjoying 
himself  in  his  own  peculiar  manner." 

"  As  how  ?  "  she  inquired. 

"  Why,"  I  answered,  trying  to  look  sober,  "  in  a  spirited 
manner." 

"  Indeed ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  P.,  evidently  understanding 
me,  for  her  eyes  sparkled,  and  her  lips  shot  forth  the  word 
spitefully  from  between  them. 


142  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

"  A  happy  man  is  that  Potts,"  I  said,  half  to  Mrs.  P.  and 
half  to  the  stair-railing  over  which  I  was  leaning,  "  and  a 
fortunate  dog  in  having  so  excellent  a  helpmeet." 

"  You  certainly  are  very  kind,  sir,"  said  Mrs.  Potts,  "  to 
say  so  ;  but  he  don't  deserve  me.  I  am  too  good  for  him, 
sir." 

"  Doubtless,  Mrs.  Potts,"  I  replied ;  "  but  we  men  are 
apt  to  be  undeserving  of  all  good  gifts,  and  I  dare  say  Jack 
is  no  better  than  others  of  his  sex ;  and  that  is  why  I  call 
him  a  lucky  dog.  Good  night,  Mrs.  Potts.  Present  my 
respects  to  John  when  he  comes  home."  And,  with  the 
assistance  of  the  banisters,  I  ascended  to  my  room. 

"  Good  night,  sir,"  said  Mrs.  P.,  and  immediately  re 
treated  into  her  apartment. 

It  may  have  been  an  hour  thereafter,  it  may  have  been 
two,  or,  indeed,  close  upon  the  morning  watch,  —  for  I  had 
been  asleep,  so  I  could  not  with  any  certainty  name  the 
exact  time ;  besides,  my  watch  was  run  down,  —  when  I 
was  aroused  by  a  thumping  sound,  as  of  some  one  with  a 
wooden  leg,  coming  up  the  stairs.  On  lighting  my  candle, 
and  looking  forth,  I  beheld  Jack  making  the  ascent,  and 
dragging  after  him  a  barber's  pole.  Mrs.  Potts,  in  a  white 
wrapper,  and  with  her  hair  in  curl-papers,  that  formed,  as 
it  were,  a  second  border  to  her  night-cap,  stood  at  the  top 
of  the  stairs,  watching,  with  forced  calmness,  Jack's  futile 
efforts.  At  last,  as  the  reckless  fellow  plunged  the  large 
end  of  the  pole  into  the  hard-finished  wall,  Mrs.  P.  could 
restrain  herself  no  longer.  "  Now,  then,  you  miserable 
Potts,"  she  exclaimed,  "  see  what  you  are  doing.  If  ever  a 
woman  has  seen  trouble,  and  borne  with  a  man  till  longer 
bearing  would  be  a  crime,  I  'm  sure  that  I  am  that  woman. 
For  twelve  years,  Potts,  on  each  New- Year  day,  you  have 
engaged  in  just  such  another  ridiculous  affair  as  this.  I 
knew  how  it  would  be  this  morning,  before  you  ever  started 
to  go  out.  I  could  see  this  end,  and  the  plight  you  're  in 
now,  just  as  plain  as  if  it  had  been  shown  me  by  the  spirits. 


MY .  NEIGHB  ORS.  1 43 

And  a  pretty  state,  I  dare  say,  your  white  vest  is  in  by  this 
time.  Oh,  you  mean,  good-for-nothing  Potts,  you ! "  she 
added,  as  Jack,  with  the  end  of  the  pole,  knocked  to  pieces 
the  hall-lamp.  "  Now,  I  guess,  you  are  satisfied.  I  wish 
it  had  been  your  head,  though  ; "  and  the  exasperated  woman 
shook  the  row  of  curl-papers  at  him. 

Potts  all  the  while  said  not  a  wordy  but  steadily  gave  his 
whole  mind  and  strength  to  the  getting  up-stairs  of  the 
barber's  pole.  Discouraged  at  last,  however,  but  still  keep 
ing  silent,  he  relinquished  his  efforts,  and  turning  on  me  a 
look  of  indescribable  anguish,  he  allowed  himself  to  be  led 
away  by  Mrs.  P.,  and  so  disappeared  from  my  sight  within 
his  own  room. 

"  Now,  then,  Mr.  John  Potts,"  I  heard  his  wife  say,  "  I 
want  you  to  give  me  an  account  of  yourself." 

"  I  did  n't  keep  any,  my  dear,"  he  replied. 

"  Don't  say  '  my  dear '  to  me,  sir,  if  you  please,"  she  con 
tinued.  "  I  am  not  your  dear.  If  I  were,  you  would  not 
have  spent  New- Year  day  in  the  way  you  have.  You  're  a 
shame  and  a  sorrow  to  me,  Potts,  and  a  living  disgrace  to 
your  children.  What  an  example  to  set  them,  Potts !  Just 
think  of  it.  There 's  Tom,  only  ten  years  old,  and  yet  he 
is  already  following  in  your  footsteps.  Remember  what  he 
did  Christmas.  You  can't  ?  Of  course  you  cannot ;  but  I 
can.  He  got  into  the  store-room,  and  helped  himself  to 
ruin-cherries  till  he  was  tipsy.  Oh,  you  need  n't  laugh,  you 
miserable  Potts,  you,  for  you  '11  find  it,  one  of  these  days, 
no  laughing  matter.  And  me  —  look  at  me,  sir,  if  yon 
dare,  and  think  how  lonely  I  must  have  been,  here  in  this 
great  house,  with  not  a  soul  to  speak  a  comforting  word 
to  me,  and  you  gone,  no  one  knows  where." 

"  Did  n't  he  "  —  and  here  Jack,  I  suppose,  pointed  to 
wards  my  apartment  —  "  call  on  you  ?  " 

"  No,  he  just  did  n't,"  replied  Mrs.  P. ;  "  and  I  'm  thankful 
for  that  Oh,  he  's  another  pretty  man  —  so  soft-spoken 
and  amiable  before  one,  but  so  mean  behind  one's  back. 


141  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

Such  a  time  as  he  has  had  to-day,  too.  He  thought  I  would 
n't  know  it.  Dunce !  did  n't  I  see  his  hat,  which  he  tried  to 
hide  from  my  sight,  under  his  coat,  as  he  went  up-stairs, 
and  did  n't  it  tell  the  story  ?  I  've  seen  crushed  hats  before, 
as  you  very  well  know,  Potts,  but  I  never  saw  such  a  crushed 
hat  as  is  his  in  the  next  room." 

"  Was  it  crushed  badly  ?  "  asked  Jack. 

"  I  never,"  answered  Mrs.  P.,  "  have  seen  its  equal. 
What  an  awful  row  he  must  have  been  engaged  in,  —  and 
to  think,  Mr.  Potts,  that  he  is  under  the  same  roof  with 
us." 

"  It 's  horrible  to  contemplate,"  Jack  replied  ;  "  but  the 
hat  itself,  my  dear,  belongs  to  me.  I  sent  it  home  to  you 
by  our  neighbor,  and  borrowed  his  in  its  place." 

"  Mr.  John  Potts,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  P.,  solemnly,  "  you  '11 
be  the  death  of  me,  one  of  these  days.  You  're  a  mean, 
mean  man." 

And  Mrs.  Potts  closed  her  eyes,  I  suppose,  and  imme 
diately  went  to  sleep,  for  not  a  single  word  more  did  she 
utter 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  145 


III. 

HANKY  AND  KATRINA  VANDER  HEYDEN  AT  HOME. 

;Y  neighbors  who  live  over  the  way  are  very  differ 
ent  sort  of  people  from  Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Potts. 
They  lead,  I  am  certain,  much  happier  lives.  They 
also  are  married,  and  though  no  better  matched  in  point 
of  size,  —  for  the  husband  is  tall  and  thin,  while  the  wife  is 
short  and  plump,  — yet  in  disposition  they  are  as  like  as  the 
right  and  left  sides  of  a  ripe  orange.  A  very  cheerful 
couple  are  they,  and  the  husband  whistles,  and  the  wife 
sings  like  a  music-box,  all  the  day  long,  —  only,  unlike  the 
music-box,  she  does  not  require  winding  up.  Fond,  too, 
are  they  of  children.  Their  house  swarms  with  them,  as 
if  it  were  a  great  beehive.  There  are  children  clustering 
on  the  roof  and  in  the  garret,  children  looking  out  of 
every  window,  children  sitting  on  the  stairs  and  in  the 
cellar,  children  playing  in  the  back  yard  and  in  the  front, 
children  going  out  and  coming  in  all  day  and  evening. 
Sometimes,  from  my  window,  I  have  counted  thirty  and 
forty  boys  and  girls  at  my  neighbor's  over  the  way  ;  not  all 
of  them  their  own,  however ;  oh,  no ;  for  most  of  them 
belong  to  their  neighbors.  All  the  neighbors  round  about 
—  except  the  two  maiden  ladies  on  the  corner  and  my 
self,  who  neither  of  us  have  children  —  allow  their  little 
ones  to  visit  my  neighbor's  children  over  the  way.  And 
fine  times  they  have  there,  and  much  gingerbread,  and 
crullers,  and  doughnuts,  and  molasses  candy,  do  they  con 
sume  under  the  hospitable  roof  of 
10 


146  .Vr  NEIGHBORS. 

HANKY  AND  KATRINA  VANDER  HEYDEN. 

Hanky  Vander  Heyden  is  a  Dutchman.  His  father  and 
mother  before  him  were  Dutchmen.  He  has  brothers  and 
sisters  who  are  Dutchmen,  and,  for  aught  I  know,  scores 
of  uncles,  aunts,  and  cousins,  who  all  are  likewise  Dutch 
men.  The  first  of  the  race  —  at  least,  the  first  in  this 
country  of  whom  the  Vander  Heydens  themselves  possess 
any  knowledge  —  was  himself  a  Dutchman,  and  came  from 
Leyden  in  Holland  to  New  Amsterdam  in  America  dur 
ing  the  latter  part  of  the  reign  of  William  the  Testy.  He 
was  a  mere  baby  in  arms  when  this  doughty  governor  died, 
and,  in  reality,  only  made  his  first  appearance  on  the  stage 
of  life  as  an  actor  in  the  days  of  Peter  the  Headstrong. 

Although  not  set  forth  in  the  veritable  "  History  of  New- 
York."  written  by  the  learned  and  beloved  Diedrich  Knick 
erbocker,  —  for  I,  as  a  veracious  narrator  should,  have  made 
diligent  search  therein  without  success,  —  still  it  is  a  well- 
authenticated  fact,  that  Cornelius  Vander  Heyden,  the  ear 
liest  known  progenitor  of  the  family,  was  a  drummer-boy  in 
the  redoubtable  army  of  the  sturdy  Peter,  and  was  celebrated 
through  the  length  and  breadth  of  Manhattan  for  being 
able  to  beat  many  warlike  airs  on  his  drum,  and  also  for 
his  skill  in  whistling  at  the  same  moment  very  fife-sound 
ing  accompaniments.  He  was,  too,  an  exceedingly  terrible 
fighter,  and  it  is  recorded  in  the  legends  of  the  house,  that 
he  was  knocked  over  five  times  during  the  dreadful  attack 
of  the  army  of  Peter  the  Headstrong  on  the  redoubtable 
Fort  Christina,  by  the  recoil  of  a  gun  in  the  hands  of  u 
brother  soldier. 

Hanky  is  the  sixth  in  descent  from  this  valiant  character, 
and,  though  not  so  warlike  a  personage  as  his  ancestor,  is 
quite  as  celebrated  for  his  musical  talent.  He  can  beat  a 
drum,  play  a  fiddle,  and  whistle  as  piercingly  as  ever  could 
his  great  progenitor.  In  fact,  whistling  seems  hereditary  in 
the  family  of  the  Vander  Heydens ;  and  each  generation, 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  147 

since  the  days  of  Cornelius,  have  been  more  or  less  cele 
brated  for  the  same.  I  said  Hanky  is  not  a  warlike  person, 
and  yet  I  am  prepared  to  assert  that  he  himself  has  shed 
more  blood  than  his  worthy  ancestor  ever  saw.  For  Hanky's 
business  is  that  of  drawing  teeth,  and  his  customers  are  so 
numerous,  that  they  keep  him  busily  employed  each  day,  in 
his  particular  vocation,  from  dawn  till  dark. 

Hanky's  good  frau  has  blessed  him  with  no  less  than  ten 
white-headed  urchins,  who  each  is  the  very  image  of  his 
excellent  father.  At  least  this  is  what  the  old  women  in 
the  village  say ;  and,  as  they  all,  in  turn,  assisted  at  their 
coming  into  the  world,  they  of  course  ought  to  know.  His 
wife  Katrina,  however,  —  a  square-shaped  little  body,  who 
eschews  hoops  and  crinoline,  but  wears  half  a  dozen  thickly 
quilted  silk  petticoats,  —  declares  that  her  boys  never  did 
look  like  the  "  old  man,"  but  just  favored  her  own  family 
like  pictures.  Katrina  was  born  a  Higginbotham  —  a 
family  much  older  and  solider  than  the  Vander  Heydens. 
Between  Katrina  and  Hanky  this  brood  often  are  so  many 
bones  of  cheerful  contention,  each  standing  up  for  a  family 
likeness.  Indeed  this  is  the  only  subject  on  which  they  are 
not  cordially  united  in  the  same  mind.  On  all  other  topics 
they  agree  with  the  exactness  of  a  hair. 

Hanky,  who  is  about  fifty  years  of  age,  has  amassed  quite 
a  little  property,  which  is  snugly  invested  in  bonds  and 
mortgages  ;  and  he  is  daily  adding  to  his  wealth,  notwith 
standing  the  great  drain  made  on  his  pocket-book  by  his 
mischievous  boys,  in  the  separate  items  of  jackets,  trousers 
and  other  articles  of  a  boy's  wardrobe.     But  Hanky  is 
careful  man,  counting  his  pennies  and  laying  them  up  se 
curely  where  neither  moth  nor   rust  corrupts   them,  and 
where  thieves  cannot  very  easily  get  at  them  to  steal. 

Occasionally  of  an  evening,  after  I  have  made  certain, 
by  reconnoitring,  from  my  apartment,  the  various  windows 
of  Hanky's  house,  that  his  olive-plants  are  all  deposited  in 
-lot-beds,  I  take  my  pipe  and  go  over  to  have  a  smoke  and 


148  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

a  talk  with  him,  and  to  taste  his  good  dame's  pies  and 
cookies.  Katrina  and  I  have  been  friends  for  a  great  num 
ber  of  years ;  how  many,  I  am  unable  to  state  exactly.  To 
be  candid,  however,  I  am  willing  to  confess  that  she  was 
an  old  .flame  of  mine  twenty  years  ago,  when,  a  blooming 
Dutch  belle,  she  laughed  at  Hanky  and  his  attentions  I 
will  not  say,  when  I  offered  her  my  hand  and  heart, —  all, 
n  truth,  that  I  had  to  offer,  —  that  she  refused  both  them 
and  me ;  for  such  a  confession  would  be  foolish  in  a  man 
of  my  years  to  make ;  but  I  will  say  that  I  never  desired 
to  marry  a  woman  more  than  I  did  her.  That,  remember, 
was  in  years  gone  by.  If  she  should,  some  day  —  which 
Heaven  forbid  !  —  be  left  a  widow,  I  do  not  think  that, 
under  existing  circumstances,  I  would  be  likely  to  renew 
my  suit  in  that  quarter.  Between  a  girl  of  eighteen  or 
twenty,  ballasted  with  a  half  score  of  canvas  bags  filled 
with  dollars,  and  a  wroman  of  forty,  freighted  with  the  same 
number  of  children,  there  is,  in  my  mind,  a  vast  and  strik 
ing  difference. 

O 

When,  of  bright  Sunday  mornings,  I  see  Hanky  and 
Katrina  wending  their  way  to  the  Lutheran  chapel,  followed 
by  ten  jackets  and  trousers,  stuffed  with  as  many  fat  boys 
of  different  periods  of  childhood  and  adolescence,  I  feel 
very  thankful  that  1  do  not  occupy  the  position  towards 
them  which  Hanky  does.  I  cannot  avoid  wondering,  how 
ever,  whether,  if  I  had  married  Katrina,  the  ten  white- 
headed  boys,  ranging  from  burly  eighteen  to  toddling  four 
years,  would  have  been  my  children.  I  am  very  confident 
—  remembering  my  Bohemian  habits  —  that  I  never  should 
have  been  able  to  support  them,  if  such  had  been  the  case. 
I  see  very  plainly  the  hand  of  Providence  in  all  these 
things,  and  am  extremely  thankful  that  Hanky,  and  not  I, 
is  their  father. 

When,  some  twenty  years  since,  I  learnt  that  Hanky  was 
about  to  marry  Katrina, — she  whose  smiles  and  frowns  had 
been  to  me,  for  years,  as  sun  and  shadow  in  my  life,  —  I 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  H9 

incontinently  left  Lollipop,  shaking  its  dust  off  my  feet  and 
her  memory  from  my  heart,  as  I  departed,  and  became  a 
waif,  drifting  here  and  there  over  the  world,  the  companion 
of  good-for-nothing  poets,  unknown  authors,  and  unappre 
ciated  painters.  At  the  end  of  ten  years  I  returned,  but 
little  better  off,  in  a  moneyed  point  of  view,  than  when  I 
commenced  my  wanderings,  and  somewhat  afraid,  too, 
lest  in  meeting  Katrina  I  should  lose  my  peace  of  mind. 

One  morning,  shortly  after  my  arrival,  while  wandering 
around  the  market-place,  I  accidentally  encountered  a  portly 
dame  with  a  basket  on  her  arm,  and  five  dirty-faced  ur 
chins  hanging  to  her  apron-string;  but  for  her  genial,  un 
altered  smile,  and  the  merry  voice  with  which  she  greeted 
me,  I  should  have  failed  to  recognize  in  her  the  ideal  of 
my  youth.  Even  to  a  superficial  observer  there  would  have 
appeared,  in  her  personal  attractions,  sundry  wonderful  de 
velopments  which  time  had  generously  bestowed  on  her, 
but  which  I  did  not  consider  in  the  light  of  improvements. 
She  was  a  plump  girl  when  I  had  parted  from  her  ;  but  her 
waist  had  considerably  amplified  since  then,  and  she  was  a 
good  deal  squarer  shaped  every  way. 

She  said,  however,  that  she  was  glad  to  see  me,  and  then 
immediately  proceeded  to  call  my  attention  to  her  five  boys, 
introducing  each  of  them  to  me  by  name.  When  she  had 
finished  the  presentation  of  these,  she  added  that  there  was 
another  one  at  home  in  his  cradle  which  I  must  go  to  see. 
I  said  I  would,  and  then  perceiving  that  her  basket  was 
heavily  laden,  I  offered  to  carry  it  for  her :  she  kindly  per 
mitted  me  to  take  it,  and  so,  side  by  side,  followed  by  th 
five  dirty-faced  lads,  I  walked  once  again  down  the  familiar 
street,  with  my  old,  old  love. 

People  that  knew  us  laughed  as  we  passed  them  ;  but 
for  my  part  I  don't  think  I  felt  at  all  like  laughing,  though 
Katrina  rattled  on  in  her  old  way,  and  talked  of  the  days 
gone  by  as  if  they  were  but  yesterday,  —  breaking  off  occa 
sionally  to  scold  one  of  the  boys  for  imitating  a  drunken 


150  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

man,  chasing  a  pig,  or  casting  a  stone  at  a  yellow  dog. 
One  of  the  five  —  the  brightest  of  the  lot,  I  thought  —  was 
named  after  me.  And  when  she  uttered  his  name,  in  the 
same  tone  and  with  the  exact  words  in  which  I  had  count 
less  times  heard  her  speak  to  me.  saying,  "  Stop  acting  so, 
can't  you  ?  "  I,  somehow,  became  confused,  and  more  than 
half  believed  —  though,  after  all,  it  appeared  like  a  hide- 
us  nightmare  —  that  I  never  had  been  away,  but  was  my- 
elf  married  to  Katrina,  and  consequently  father  to  the  lads 
following  behind  us. 

When,  however,  Hanky  himself  opened  the  door  for  us, 
and  shook  his  head  merrily  at  me,  and  proceeded  to  ad 
dress  Katrina  as  "  ducky,"  and  "  my  little  woman,"  I  man 
aged  to  shake  off  the  nightmare,  and  to  bid  them  "good 
morning."  Then,  retreating  to  the  hotel  where  I  was 
stopping,  I  shut  myself  within  my  room,  and,  fortified  with 
sundry  comfortable  things,  I  gravely  considered  the  case 
in  all  its  different  ramifications  ;  and  when,  at  evening,  I 
walked  forth  in  the  summer  twilight,  the  enchantment, 
which  for  years  had  bound  me,  was  broken,  and  I  breathed 
freely,  and  without  the  weight  on  my  heart  which  for  more 
than  ten  years  had  been  there. 

As  I  walked  along  under  the  starlight,  through  well- 
known  ways,  I  could  not  avoid  saying  to  myself,  that  a  fat 
woman  bearing  a  market-basket,  and  followed  by  five  tow- 
headed  boys,  is  not  calculated  to  keep  alive  in  one's  breast 
the  love  which,  in  other  years,  was  given  to  a  merry  maid, 
now,  alas !  a  wife  and  mother,  fat  and  forty  at  that. 

So,  occasionally  of  an  evening,  I  go  over  to  see  Katrina 
and  Hanky,  nor  fear  that  my  visits  may  occasion  either 
them  or  me  loss  of  sleep  or  peace  of  mind. 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  151 


IV. 

HANKY   AND    THE   WIDOW'S    SLEIGH-RIDE. 

(OCCASIONALLY,  of  an  evening,  I  visit  my  neigh 
bors  over  the  way.  I  passed  last  evening  with 
them.  Hanky  and  I  smoked  our  pipes  and  told 
stones,  while  Katrina  —  busy  little  woman  that  she  is  — 
occupied  herself  in  new-seating  several  pair  of  juvenile 
trousers.  I  listened  to  Hanky,  but  I  looked  on  Katrina. 
It  was  pleasant  to  mark  how  quickly  her  needle  flew  ;  to 
see  how  scientifically  she  cut,  and  shaped,  and  fitted,  and 
matched  her  patches.  And  then  when  she  held  up  the  di 
lapidated  trousers  before  the  light,  looking  for  their  thin 
and  weak  spots,  it  was,  to  me,  a  very  comical  sight,  and 
caused  me  to  laugh  aloud. 

"  Ah  !  you  laugh  now,"  said  Katrina,  merrily  ;  "  but  by- 
and-by,  perhaps,  you  '11  look  grave.  Your  tune  will  come, 
Master  Bachelor,  one  of  these  days.  You  can't  go  through 
life  the  free  and  easy  individual  you  now  are.  A  net  is 
weaving  around  you,  and  every  year  its  meshes  are  draw 
ing  closer  together." 

"  Alas ! "  I  replied,  "  I  shall  never  marry  until  I  am 
wedded  to  my  coffin." 

This  time  Katrina  laughed.  She  knew  that  this  reply 
was  a  standing  joke  of  mine,  as  once  upon  a  time  there 
had  been  a  little,  hoaxing,  coaxing,  good-for-nothing,  blue- 
ejed  hussy,  living  on  the  island  of  Nantucket,  —  a  relative 
of  the  worthy  admiral,  Sir  Isaac  Coffin,  —  named  Miriam 
Coffin,  to  whom,  when  quite  a  boy,  I  had  made  any  quan 
tity  of  love,  and  with  whom  I  had  exchanged  a  lock  of 
hair  ;  but,  bless  me !  nothing  ever  came  of  it  —  't  was  a 


152  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

childish  affair ;  and  so  one  clay  she  married  the  mate  — • 
a  second  mate,  I  guess  he  was  —  of  a  whaler,  and  became 
a  Hussey  for  life.  I  understand  that  in  the  matter  of  ju 
venile  hussies  she  has  done  very  well  for  the  "  second  mate," 
and,  for  my  part,  I  trust  that  his  "  lay  "  is  large  enough  to 
enable  him  to  support  the  "  young  fry  "  comfortably. 

"  How 's  dat  ?  "   said  Hanky  ;   "  tell  him  about  it" 

And  so,  though  I  had  more  than  fifty  times  related  the 
circumstance  to  "  him,"  I  once  more  repeated  it,  as  above 
narrated. 

"  And  are  you,"  asked  Hanky,  as  I  finished,  "  lying  off 
and  on  in  the  offing  still  for  dat  little  craft  ?  " 

I  nodded  my  head. 

"  And  you  're  waiting  for  her  skipper  to  kick  the  buck 
et  ?  "  he  inquired. 

I  nodded  again. 

"  Well,  now  den,  Billy-boy,"  —  my  name  (I  do  not  think 
that  I  have  mentioned  it  before)  is  William  Finch,  Esq., 
—  "  you  just  tell  him  what  you  think  about  Katrina  here." 

"  I  think  of  her,"  I  replied,  "  as  a  very  kind  wife  —  too 
kind,  indeed,  for  you  —  and  as  a  most  excellent  mother." 

"Is  dat  all?"  asked  Hanky. 

"  Yes,"  I  answered. 

"  Why,  I  thought,"  said  Hanky,  dat  you  loved  her  your 
self  a  leetle." 

"  Only  Platonically,  Hanky,  "  that  is  all,"  I  replied. 

"  Is  dat  all  ?  "  asked  Hanky.  "  My  little  woman  now  is 
disappointed  ;  are  n't  you,  Katrina  ?  " 

"  No !  "  answered  Katrina ;  "  and  I  am  certain  that  Mr 
Finch  knows  you  too  well  to  care  for  aught  you  say." 

"  Indeed  I  do,  Mrs.  Vander  Heyden.  I  've  known  him 
a  long  time,  —  ever  since  he  and  the  Widow  Ravenplumo 
took  a  sleigh-ride  together." 

"  Oh,  doncler  !  "  exclaimed  Hanky. 

"  Do  tell  me  about  it,"  said  Katrina. 

"  Oh,  blitzen !  "  shouted  Hanky. 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  153 

And  so,  without  heeding  Hanky  or  his  outcries,  I  pro 
ceeded  to  narrate  the  story  of 

HANKY    AND    THE    WIDOW'S    SLEIGH-RIDE. 

"  When  Hanky  Vander  Heyden  first  came  to  this  part 
of  the  country,  —  nearly  twenty-five  years  ago,  —  the  Wid 
ow  Ravenplume  was  considered  rather  a  fast  woman.  She 
bought  lottery-tickets,  played  a  winning  hand  of  whist, 
and  patronized  cock-fights,  or,  as  she  modestly  termed 
them,  chanticleer  battles.  She  was  a  masculine-appearing 
woman,  —  tall,  gaunt,  and  grenadier-like.  She  had  large 
hands  and  feet,  and  threw  her  head  back  when  she  walked, 
for  all  the  world  like'  the  man  who  carries  the  bass-drum  in 
our  German  band.  She  was  somewhat  gay  in  her  dress, 
and  delighted  in  feathers,  flowers,  and  bright-colored  rib 
bons.  Of  course  she  had  money  out  at  interest,  safely  in 
vested  in  bonds  and  mortgages,  and  was  called  rich  and 
parsimonious.  The  number  of  the  years  of  her  life  was,  as 
an  unsolved  problem,  unknown  ;  even  her  intimate  friend, 
Miss  Prudence  Jones,  did  not  know  it ;  and  when  she  failed 
to  know  a  thing,  no  one  else  could  be  expected  to.  The 
widow  wore  false  hair,  —  a  front-piece,  with  puffs,  which 
was  very  becoming.  She  had  false  teeth  made  of  white 
wax,  which  she  shaped  anew  every  day ;  and  false  ramparts, 
formed  of  the  same  material  as  that  behind  which  lay  the 
defenders  of  New  Orleans  on  the  8th  January,  1815.  The 
widow's  Christian  name  was  Betsy,  but  when  she  went  into 
half-mourning  —  a  few  months  after  Mr.  Ravenplume's 
death  —  she  wrote  '  Elizabeth '  on  her  cards,  and  gravely 
informed  her  friends  that  henceforth  Elizabeth  was  her 
name  ;  though  she  had  about  as  much  right  to  it  as  Hanky 
would  have  to  call  himself  Henry. 

"It  happened  that  the  first  evening  on  which  Hanky 
made  his  appearance  in  public  —  which  was  at  a  '  quilting 
oee,'  at  Mrs.  Squire  Bunker's  —  that  the  widow  was  pres 
ent  and  proceeded  immediately  to  set  her  foot  on  his  corns, 


154  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

and  lay  her  hand  on  his  shoulder,  and  so  led  him  away  a 
captive.  That  night  Hanky  danced  forty  times  with  the 
widow.  He  escorted  her  to  the  supper-table,  where  he 
loaded  her  plate  with  sour-krout  and  doughnuts.  He 
waited  upon  her  home,  and  kissed  her  behind  the  hall- 
door,  as  he  bade  her  good-night !  " 

"  Oh,  donder !  "  Hanky  shouted. 

"  He  called  on  the  widow  the  next  day  ;  he  took  tea  — 
cheap  black  tea  —  with  her  the  afternoon  following,  and 
the  ensuing  evening  he  invited  her  to  a  sleigh-ride  ; "  —  "  oh, 
blitzen  !"  interrupted  Hanky  ;  —  "  and  away  they  went. 

''  It  was  a  clear,  cold,  starlight  night  in  January  that  the 
Widow  Ravenplume  and  Hanky  rode  out  of  Lollipop,  well 
protected  from  the  cold  by  buffalo-robes,  hot  bricks,  and 
hot  drinks,  and  glided  swiftly  along  over  the  smooth,  snow- 
covered  track,  towards  the  '  Red  Stores,'  —  some  eight  or 
nine  miles  distant.  Upon  what  subjects  Hanky  and  the 
widow  conversed,  while  on  their  way  thither,  I  do  not 
know  ;  but  this  much,  however,  I  do  know,  that  on  their 
way  back  —  whether  it  were  the  hot  toddies,  of  which  he 
had  freely  partaken,  or  the  flattering  words  of  the  widow, 
or  his  remembrance  of  her  bonds  and  mortgages,  or  her 
gentle  pressure  of  his  hand,  or  what  it  were  I  cannot  posi 
tively  say,  but,  at  all  events,  whatever  it  were  that  influ 
enced  him  —  he,  Hanky  Vandcr  Heyden,  dentist,  some 
where  on  the  line  of  those  eight  or  nine  miles,  did  then 
and  there  offer  himself  to  the  said  widow,  and  was  imme 
diately  accepted." 

"  Saint  Nicholas  !  "  ejaculated  Hanky. 

Katrina  looked  sober. 

"  Before  twenty-four  hours  had  elapsed,  everybody  in 
Lollipop  knew  that  Hanky  and  the  widow  were  engaged 
to  be  married.  How  any  one  had  learned  it,  was  to  the 
parties  themselves  a  mystery.  Hanky  vowed  to  the  widow, 
in  very  good  Low  Dutch,  that  he  had  never  whispered  a 
word  of  it  to  a  living  soul ;  and  the  widow  declared,  in 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  155 

straightforward  Yankee,  —  she  came  from  '  Down  East,'  — 
that  she  had  not  lisped  a  breath  of  it  to  any  one,  except  to 
her  dearest  friend,  Miss  Prudence  Jones,  and  that  she,  Miss 
Jones,  was  just  the  pink  of  discretion  and  the  seal  of  se 
crecy. 

"  Well,  the  affair,  as  such  affairs  usually  do,  ran  along 
smoothly  for  a  while —  Hanky  all  the  time  living  in 
clover,  partaking  of  the  widow's  cheap  black  teas,  and  her 
still  cheaper  baker's  cakes,  which  she  bought  at  the  rate 
of  thirteen  for  sixpence,  —  passing  his  evenings  with  her, 
and  occupying  his  nights  in  dreaming  of  her  bonds  and 
mortgages.  But  Hanky's  love  verified  at  last  the  words  of 
the  poet  concerning  the  course  of  true  love ;  and  one  day, 
shortly  after  Hanky  had  presented  the  widow  with  an  up 
per  and  lower  set  of  enamelled  teeth,  warranted  better 
than  originals,  —  and  when  she  had  faithfully  tried  them 
and  found  them  equal  to  her  expectations,  —  she  declared 
openly  and  boldly,  in  the  midst  of  the  sewing  society,  that, 
though  Hanky  Vander  Heyden  made  very  good  teeth,  she 
did  not  think  that  he  would  make  as  good  and  perfect 
a  husband ;  and  so  the  engagement  was  broken  off,  and 
Hanky  jilted." 

"  Bonder  and  blitzen  take  the  widow  !  "  shouted  Hanky  ; 
"  and  Katrina,  little  woman,  mix  him  something  hot." 

"  A  large  proportion  of  the  population  of  Lollipop,"  I 
continued,  after  Hanky  had  obtained  from  his  little  woman 
that  for  which  he  asked,  "said  that  the  only  reason  the 
widow  became  engaged  to  Hanky  was,  that  so  she  might 
obtain  a  set  of  teeth  free  of  expense.  Even  Hanky  him 
self  believes  this  saying." 

"  Ya,"  cried  Hanky,  "  dat  is  so." 

"  And  now,  Hanky,"  I  said,  "  if  you  will  play  a  march 
for  me  on  your  fife,  I  '11  bid  you  and  Katrina  good-night, 
and  go  home." 

"  What  for?"  he  asked;  "because  you  told  Katrina  dat 
dondering  story  about  him  and  the  widow  ?  " 


156  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

"  Ya,"  I  cried,  mockingly. 

"  Well,  den,"  he  replied,  "  give  de  old  man  de  fife,  Ka- 
trina." 

Katrina  did  so. 

"  Now,  den,"  said  Hanky,  "  when  him  begins  to  play, 
you  go." 

I  promised  "  him  "  I  would. 

Then,  much  to  my  amazement  and  merriment,  Hanky 
struck  up  the  "  Rogue's  Ma'rch " ;  and  with  that  compli 
mentary  air  in  my  ears  I  departed. 

After  I  had  reached  my  own  apartments,  I  heard  my 
neighbor,  Mrs.  Potts,  in  the  adjoining  room,  say  to  her 
husband,  "  John,  John  Potts,  wake  up  ;  I  've  got  something 
to  tell  you." 

"  Well,"  replied  John. 

"  Our  lodger,  Billy  Finch,  has  just  come  in,"  whispered 
Mrs.  P. 

"  Well,"  said  Jack. 

"  Do  you  know,"  she  asked,  "  where  he  has  been  this 
evening  ?  " 

u  No  ! "  groaned  Jack. 

"  Then  I  '11  tell  you,"  said  Mrs.  Potts  ;  "  he  's  been  court 
ing  Katrina  Vander  Heyden  again."  • 

u  Well,"  answered  Jack. 

.  "  Well,  indeed  !  "  reiterated  Deborah  ;  "  but  it  is  n't  well ; 
it 's  a  sin  and  a  shame  ;  and  if  I  were  her  husband,  I  'd  turn 
him  out  of  doors." 

"  Well,"  moaned  Jack,  despairingly. 

"  Oh,  you  're  an  unfeeling,  miserable  wretch  !  "  exclaimed 
Mrs.  Potts,  "  to  lie  by  my  side,  and  -cry, '  Well,  well,'  when 
it  is  n't  well,  but  ill ! " 

And  the  disconsolate  Mrs.  P.  covered  her  head  with  the 
bedclothes,  and,  sobbing,  refused  to  be  comforted.  Pretty 
soon  I  heard  Jack  snore,  and  then  Mrs.  Potts  called  him  a 
brute,  and  fell  asleep  herself. 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  157 


V. 

O.  PHILA.NDER   COE,   THE   POET. 


neighbor  of  mine,  who  lives  just  around 
the  corner,  and  inhabits  an  attic  room  in  the  prin 
cipal  boarding  -  house  in  the  village,  is  a  poet. 
He  is  young,  not  over  twenty  years  of  age,  perhaps ;  has  a 
silky  moustache,  and  wears  Byron  collars.  In  summer  time, 
on  moonlight  nights,  he  takes  his  guitar  and  goes  about  the 
village  serenading  young  ladies.  On  these  occasions  he 
sings  his  own  songs ;  and  very  pretty  songs,  too,  they  are. 
Love  is  generally  the  subject  of  them.  The  words  are 
adapted  to  some  popular  melody ;  and  as  he  has  a  very  mu 
sical  voice,  his  entertainments  are  highly  esteemed.  Of  late, 
however,  since  the  cold  weather  set  in,  and  after  a  certain 
proud  young  lady  discarded  him,  he  has  refrained  from  en 
gaging  in  these  exhibitions.  Indeed  he  has  become  quite 
a  recluse,  and  seldom  ventures  abroad  in  the  light  of  day. 
He  entirely  avoids  large  assemblages,  but  drops  in  occa 
sionally,  of  an  evening,  to  see  me  and  talk  about  books  and 
poets.  He  delights  in  books  ;  and  when  the  remembrance 
of  his  unfortunate  attachment  does  not  intrude  on  his 
thoughts,  he  finds  much  comfort  in  composing  poems, 
chiefly  of  an  amatory  character.  Give  him,  he  says,  pen, 
ink,  and  paper,  and  he  cares  not  for  the  frivolities  of  life. 
He  prefers  strawberries  and  cream  to  mush  and  milk,  but 
is  contented  with  either.  His  idea  of  the  value  of  money 
is  very  imperfect ;  and  it  is  all  the  same  to  him  whether 
he  has  five  dollars  or  five  dimes  in  his  purse,  so  long  as  his 
immediate  wants  are  supplied.  He  would  be  more  likely 
to  pay  out  his  last  dollar  to-day  for  a  new  book,  than  to 


153  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

keep  it  to  buy  with  it  his  to-morrow's  dinner,  though  lie 
knew  not  how  else  that  meal  could  be  obtained.  As  Jack 
Potts  says,  he  has  every  kind  of  sense  except  common  sense. 

The  poet's  name,  as  it  appears  on  his  visiting-card,  is 
0.  PHILANDER  COE,  which,  as  he  facetiously  remarks,  is  in 
itself  a  sort  of  poem.  The  initial  O  is  for  Obed,  —  his 
maternal  grandfather's  baptismal  appellation,  —  but  which, 
for  the  sake  of  brevity  and  euphony,  he  suppresses  on  his 
card. 

The  well-known  firm  of  Ticknot  and  Meadows,  some  lit 
tle  while  since,  issued,  in  their  famed  azure  and  gilt  bind 
ing,  an  edition  of  his  poems,  which,  however,  were  published 
under  a  nom  de  plume.  The  volume,  I  understand,  has  not 
met  with  a  ready  sale;  and,  therefore,  I  propose,  as  its 
readers  are  limited,  to  give,  from  time  to  time,  certain 
poems  contained  therein.  The  poem,  however,  which  I 
give  below,  is  not  as  yet  included  in  the  printed  volume, 
though,  doubtless,  it  will  appear  in  a  second  edition,  if  one 
should  ever  chance  to  be  called  for  by  the  public.  I  do 
not  think  that  it  will  be  indelicate  for  me  to  mention  that 
the  second  edition  will  contain  an  engraved  portrait  of  the 
poet,  after  a  photograph  by  Brady. 

THE  POET'S  LOVE. 

How  much  I  love  her  none  can  tell : 
Alas !  she  spurned  me  from  her  side  ; 
She  said  she  'd  never  be  my  bride, 

And  on  me  all  her  anger  fell. 

For  she  had  wealth,  and  I  had  none; 

And  she  was  proud  of  her  descent, 

And  scornful  looks  on  me  she  bent, 
And  asked  me  where  my  race  begun. 

Calmly  I  answered  —  proud  as  she  — 

That  little  cared  I  for  my  name ; 

That  mine  was  but  a  poet's  fame, 
And  that  I  came  of  low  degree. 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  153 

Then  mockingly  she  laughed,  and  cried 
That  I  might  claim  from  her  a  kiss 
When  I  had  learned  to  write  like  this, 

And  then,  too,  would  she  be  my  bride. 

She  touched  a  volume  as  she  spoke  ; 

I  took  it  up  and  looked  within,  — 

I  had  not  thought  my  suit  to  win, 
But  as  I  read  my  hope  awoke. 

My  cheeks  grew  red  as  reddest  wine  ; 

And  then  my  bounding  heart  stood  still ; 

I  knew  that  I  could  have  my  will, 
For  all  the  poems  there  were  mine. 

And  yet  I  failed  to  claim  my  bride  ; 

All  sorrowing  I  turned  away, 

Saying  I  'd  come  some  other  day, 
And  thus  I  left  her  with  her  pride. 

And  now  I  walk  the  world  alone  ; 

I  live  a  life  of  great  unrest, 

I  keep  my  sorrows  in  my  breast, 
Nor  care  to  hear  her  lightest  tone. 

No  one,  after  reading  the  above  verses,  will  deny  that 
my  neighbor  the  poet  is  intellectual,  and  that  poetic  sense 
in  him  is  strongly  developed.  Indeed  he  gives  his  entire 
mind  to  poetry,  and  seldom  ventures  into  the  walks  of 
prose.  As  his  volume  of  poems  was  published  anony 
mously,  it  is  not  strange  that  the  lady  of  his  love  was  un 
aware  that  he  was  the  poet  whose  verse  she  so  greatly 
admired.  She  has  since  learned  the  truth,  but  I  have  not 
heard  that  she  grieves  in  the  least  over  her  treatment  of 
0.  Philander  Coe. 

I  have  refrained  from  mentioning,  as  long  as  possible, 
that,  though  my  neighbor  the  poet  has  now  "  walked  the 
world  alone  "  for  the  space  of  eight  or  nine  weeks,  it  does 
not  necessarily  follow  that  he  will  "  walk  alone  "  for  as  long 
a  period  of  time  to  come.  Indeed,  I  will  state  that  he  has 


ICO  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

already  attained  the  maximum  number  of  the  weeks  of  his 
loneliness  ;  and  that  on  any  day,  henceforth,  I  may  expect 
to  hear  of  his  being  infatuated  with  some  other  angelic 
being  than  the  one  over  whom  he  now  grieves.  Love  and 
poetry  are  as  drink  and  meat  to  him.  Deprive  him  of 
these  and  you  take  away  the  food  wherewith  he  lives.  It 
is  not  for  me,  however,  who  was  engaged  in  numberless 
love-affairs  in  the  days  of  my  own  incipient  manhood,  to 
revile  my  neighbor  the  poet  Too  many  dead  and  buried 
loves,  now  forgotten,  would  doubtless  rise  up  rebukingly 
before  me,  should  I  so  do.  Too  many  tresses  of  glossy 
hair,  once  dearly  prized,  but '  now  scattered  to  the  winds, 
would  come  floating  down  before  my  eyes,  and  shame  me 
into  silence  Too  many  old  letters,  crowded  with  tender 
words  and  precious  vows,  long  since  burnt  and  turned  to 
ashes,  and  their  promises  broken  and  disregarded,  would 
be  remembered  once  more,  and  I  should  read,  amidst  the 
burning  words  and  sweet  expressions,  in  blood-red  letters, 
"  Treason  to  the  god  of  love." 

For  these  reasons,  therefore,  if  for  no  others,  am  I  tender 
of  the  foibles  of  my  neighbor  the  poet.  Time,  and  some 
further  experience  in  these  matters  of  the  heart,  will  show 
him  the  sands  upon  which  his  love-freighted  vessel  drives, 
and  the  rocks  upon  which  it  splits.  Then  he  will  have 
learned  to  steer  clear  of  them,  and  perhaps  at  last  will 
some  day  be  able  to  guide  his  shattered  bark  into  a  quiet 
haven,  where  he  will  find  rest  and  happiness  for  all  his  life 
to  come.  I  say  perhaps,  since  years  must  elapse  before  my 
neighbor  the  poet  can  expect  to  gain  such  a  harbor ;  for  I 
—  even  I,  with  over  forty  years'  experience — find  myself 
still  tacking  to  and  fro,  searching  for  a  pleasant  anchorage 
ground. 

Life,  however,  is  not  altogether  dark  to  my  neighbor 
the  poet.  He  finds  a  good  many  bright  spots  in  it.  The 
sunshine  falls  on  him  as  he  travels  up  and  down  the  stairs 
of  his  boarding-house.  Dwelling  on  the  third  floor  —  di- 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  161 

rectly  under  his  apartment  —  is  a  flaxen-haired  little  girl, 
named  Edith,  of  some  ten  or  twelve  summers,  who  wakes 
him  each  morning  by  singing  her  childlike  melodies ;  who 
opens  the  door  and  smiles  on  him  whenever  she  hears 
his  footsteps  ascending  or  descending  on  the  stairs,  and 
who  each  night,  when  she  utters  her  simple  prayers,  asks 
her  Heavenly  Father  to  bless  and  keep  her  friend,  the 
poet  who  lives  in  the  attic  room  above. 

Not  many  of  the  inhabitants  of  Lollipop  care  to  call  upon 
my  neighbor  the  poet  He  lives  so  high  up  in  the  world 
—  and  then,  too,  he  has  neither  gold  nor  the  influence 
gold  can  give  —  that  it  seems  to  most  of  the  inhabitants, 
that  attentions  shown  to  him  would  never  result  in  any  gain 
to  them  ;  for  these  reasons  they  seldom  molest  or  disturb  the 
poet  in  his  sanctum,  though  his  attic  room  is  by  no  means 
the  cheerless  place  attic  rooms  are  apt  to  be.  After  the 
dark  and  narrow  and  winding  garret-stairs,  which  lead  to 
his  apartment,  are  passed,  it  is  an  agreeable  surprise  to 
enter  the  poet's  cosy  and  comfortable  room.  It  is  adorned 
with  paintings  and  pictures,  and  lined  with  books.  But  the 
miserable  sinners  of  Lollipop  don't  know  this,  and  if  they 
did,  it  would  make  no  difference,  for  such  things  are  not  in 
their  line.  Besides,  poor  fellow !  he  is  always  borrowing 
money,  and  seldom  has  it  in  his  power  to  return  it  again ; 
and  who,  of  the  wealthy,  would  desire  to  lend  money  to  a 
wretched  poet,  who  never  would  repay  them  ?  So  it  is 
that  only  moneyless  individuals  like  myself,  who  possess 
nothing  that  can  be  borrowed,  frequent  the  attic  room  of 
my  neighbor  the  poet.  There  is  one  exception,  however, 
to  this.  Jack  Potts,  the  warm-hearted  fellow  !  always  goes 
to  see  the  poet  when  he  has  a  pocket  well  lined  with 
gold  ;  and  he  always  comes  away  minus  some  of  his 
riches. 

Of  course  our  poet  is  an  extravagant  dog,  especially  in 
the  matter  of  books ;  he  never  meets  with  a  fresh  one 
without  purchasing  it.  The  more  costly  it  be  gotten  up 
11 


1C2  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

the  belter  pleased  is  he  with  it.  He  is  partial,  too,  to  fine 
engravings ;  and  his  assortment  of  cap,  letter,  and  note 
paper  is  unequalled  by  any  in  the  village.  He  is  fond  of 
light  wines  and  late  suppers,  and  will  walk  a  mile  or  more 
to  obtain  an  improved  view  of  a  summer  sunset.  He  be 
lieves  in  giants,  dwarfs,  and  fairies  ;  and  regularly  on  Christ 
mas  eve  he  hangs  his  stocking  up  for  Santa  Glaus  to  fill ; 
and  though  he  never  obtains  anything  in  it,  he  trusts  that 
on  the  succeeding  Christmas  he  will ;  and  so  he  lives  on 
hope  while  the  year  runs  round.  From  his  dormer-windows 
in  the  attic  he  beholds  castles  in  the  air,  and  sees  ships  com 
ing  home  from  sea.  Many  of  these  castles  and  ships  belong 
to  him,  though  some  he  thinks  are  owned  by  rich  men  in 
the  village.  He  himself  builds  castles  and  sends  ships 
abroad,  and  at  times  believes  himself  to  be  wealthy  ;  but 
this,  of  course,  is  an  idle  fancy.  Nor  do  I  imagine  that  he 
will  ever  possess  any  real  estate  or  much  personal  property  ; 
and  as  for  such  things  as  stocks  and  bonds  and  mortgages, 
I  don't  think  that  he  will  ever  clearly  comprehend  what 
they  are.  Of  gold  and  silver,  and  precious  stones,  I  sup 
pose  he  has  a  slight  knowledge ;  and  with  bank-notes  he 
possesses  a  feeble  acquaintance. 

Sometimes  my  neighbor  the  poet  lacks  buttons  on  his 
shirt,  and  is  neglectful  of  his  hair ;  but  these  things  occur, 
however,  only  when  "he  lives  a  life  of  great  unrest,"  for  at 
other  times  he  is  careful  of  his  adornings,  and  is  slightly 
given  to  enamelled  studs  and  sleeve-buttons.  But  my 
friend  possesses  a  gentle  and  a  loving  heart,  and  attaches 
to  himself,  in  a  wonderful  degree,  the  little  children  of  the 
village,  who  all  love  and  confide  in  my  neighbor  the  poet. 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  163 


VI. 

THE  POET'S  NEW  AND  OLD  LOVE. 

,S  I  predicted  in  the  preceding  paper  that  he 
rvi»  soon  would,  my  neighbor  the  poet  has  ceased 
to  lead  a  life  of  great  unrest,  —  figuratively  and 
poetically  speaking,  —  and  turned  his  eyes  on,  and  given 
his  attentions  to,  a  young  maiden,  more  fair  and  beautiful, 
as  he  confidentially  informed  me,  than  any  of  his  former 
loves.  He  has  addressed  to  her,  through  the  columns  of 
the  "  Midnight  Sun,"  several  sonnets,  —  in  fact,  a  series 
of  sonnets,  —  treating  of  her  personal  attractions,  commenc 
ing  with  her  hair,  which  he  extols  for  its  fineness,  its 
"  marigold  shade,"  and  its  great  length  ;  for  when  loosened 
and  permitted  to  fall  down,  it  hides  from  his  enamored 
sight  unknown  and  countless  beauties  of  which  he  may  only 
dream.  From  her  hair  he  proceeds  to  her  eyes,  which 

"  From  New  England's  bluebells  caught  their  shade  ;  " 

then  he  touches  her  lips,  and  about  them  he  lovingly  sings, 
terming  them 

"  Rose-buds  round  which  the  honey-bee  lingers ; " 

and   so,  on  he  goes,   sonnet   after   sonnet,  till   at  last  h 
reaches  her   dainty  feet,  which  he  compares  to  the 

"  White  caps  that  dance  on  the  wind-beaten  billows," 

probably  from  having  first  encountered  them  at  a  ball, 
where  they  were  encased  in  white  satin  slippers,  and  doing 
good  service  for  their  proprietor. 

Miss  Mary  Golde  —  the  name  of  the  young  lady  —  is  a 
stranger  in  Lollipop ;  nor  has  our  poet  with  her  any  per- 


164  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

sonal  acquaintance.  As  yet  he  stands  afar  off  and  views 
her,  as  it  were,  through  an  Indian-summer  sort  of  an  atmos 
phere —  one  particularly  appreciated  by  poets  and  lovers. 
Seen  through  my  eyes,  however,  and  by  the  aid  of  myforty- 
ycars'-experience  spectacles,  the  young  lady  is  not  at  all 
extraordinary.  I  think  that  Katrina  Higginbotham,  in  her 
palmy  days,  before  she  knew  or  even  dreamed  of  Hanky 
Vander  Heyden,  when  1  was  paying  to  her  my  court,  was  a 
much  mdre  splendid  appearing  woman  than  the  blue-eyed 
subject  of  my  neighbor  the  poet's  sonnets.  Yet  I  never 
wrote  any  verses  in  her  praise,  nor  thought,  forsooth  !  that 
she  stood  in  need  of  them.  I  would  as  soon  have  dreamed 
of  giving  her  what  Biddy  calls  a  "•  recommend  of  character  " 
as  have  offered  tp  her  laudatory  ve'rse,  even  if  it  could  have 
appeared  in  the  columns  of  the  "  Midnight  Sun,"  and  been 
puffed  into  notoriety  by  the  editor  himself,  through  a  notice 
like  the  following :  — 

"  Our  young  and  talented  fellow-citizen,  0.  Philander  Coe, 
Esq.,  the  poet,  as  will  be  seen  by  glancing  at  our  poetical 
department,  addresses  another  sonnet  —  making  the  sixth 
which  he  has  written  this  week  —  to  the  beautiful  and  ac 
complished  stranger  who  is  sojourning  with  us  during  the 
present  winter.  Such  zeal  and  attention  as  he  displays 
should  not,  we  think,  be  unrewarded  by  the  fair  one  so 
happily  sonnetized." 

Of  course  my  neighbor  the  poet  does  not  perceive  how 
ridiculous  the  above  remarks  cause  him  to  appear.  Why  ? 
Because,  as  Jack  Potts  very  truly  says,  he  lacks  common 
sense.  I  have  no  doubt  but  that  the  poet  blushed  when  he 
read  it,  for  he  is  not  vain,  and  vanity  has  no  place  in  his 
breast  Were  he  vain,  the  azure  and  gilt  edition  of  his 
poems  had  never  appeared  under  a  nom  de  plume.  He 
might  very  often,  if  he  so  chose,  be  lionized  in  a  small  and 
genteel  way,  by  those  in  the  village  who  give  dinner-parties 
to  friends  from  the  city  who  visit  them  during  the  summer 
months ;  but,  to  his  credit  be  it  said,  my  young  friend  in- 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  165 

variably  refuses  all  invitations  to  these  parties,  preferring 
to  abide  within  his  attic  room,  where,  as  if  to  console  him 
self  for  the  gi-and  dinner  he  has  lost,  he  indulges  in  a  bot 
tle  of  Sauterne  and  some  sponge-cake,  and  employs  his 
moments  either  in  reading  Tennyson  or  composing  a  love- 
song.  Of  course,  as  Jack  Potts  would  say,  my  poetical 
friend  displays  his  lack  of  common  sense  in  thus  acting, 
for  no  one  with  the  least  particle  of  that  blessed  com 
modity  would  so  do.  I  am  very  certain  that  I  would  go  to 
the  dinner  in  preference  to  staying  in  my  attic,  even  with 
Bordeaux,  cake,  and  Tennyson  surrounding  me. 

Notwithstanding  my  neighbor's  love  of  retirement,  and 
his  aversion  to  being  "  shown  up,"  he  is,  for  all  this,  suscep 
tible  to  flattery.  He  is  very  much  gratified  at  having  me 
call  upon  him,  and  regards  my  visit,  I  think,  somewhat  in 
the  light  of  a  pilgrimage  to  a  poet's  shrine.  He  feels  him 
self  to  be,  I  imagine,  for  the  time  at  least,  another  Burns  or 
a  Halleck.  When  I  address  him,  which  I  sometimes  do,  as 
the  last  and  least  of  poets,  I  believe  that  he  feels  very  proud 
of  the  distinction.  And  it  is  something  of  which  to  be 
proud,  this  title  of  poet,  even  though  one  be  last  and  least 
among  them.  It  is  something  to  hold  fellowship  with  Bry 
ant  and  Longfellow,  even  though  it  be  afar  off.  It  is  some 
thing  to  be  handed  down  to  posterity,  embalmed  in  Ticknot 
and  Meadows's  azure  and  gilt  publications.  It  is  something 
to  reflect  on,  of  a  pleasant  nature,  that  one  is  among  such  a 
goodly  company.  If  I  were  a  poet,  —  which,  however,  I 
am  not,  —  I  would  desire  to  have  my  melodies  of  spring, 
my  songs  of  summer,  my  autumn  wailings,  and  my  winter 
blasts,  published  by  the  aforesaid  Athenian  publishers. 

I  do  not  claim  for  my  young  friend  the  title  of  poet 
simply  from  my  own  conviction  of  his  merit  as  such,  but  I 
base  my  assertion  on  firmer  grounds,  to  wit,  the  judgment 
of  the  worthy  editors  of  the  "  Ocean  Monthly,"  who  substan 
tiate  the  same  by  purchasing,  with  sundry  gold  eagles,  the 
product  of  my  neighbor  the  poet's  brain,  and  publishing  the 


1GC  •  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

same  as  an  original  poem  in  the'  columns  of  the  said 
monthly.  Lest  any  of  my  readers  should  think  that  my 
neighbor  the  poet  writes  the  transcendental  poems  that 
from  time  to  time  adorn  the  pages  of  the  "  Ocean,"  I  would 
respectfully,  and  at  the  same  time  decidedly,  declare,  that 
he  does  not.  His  poems  are,  as  I  have  before  remarked, 
mostly  of  an  amatory  character,  and  perhaps  slightly  in 
clining  to  the  pastoral.  His  last  poem,  —  which  he  read 
aloud  to  me  an  evening  or  two  since,  —  which  concerns,  I 
imagine,  the  young  lady  to  whom  his  sonnets  were  addressed, 
is  entitled  — 

MARY. 

Like  melodies  unnumbered,  breathed  by  nature,  wrought  by  art, 
Falls  thy  name  upon  my  spirit,  bringing  sunshine  to  my  heart ; 
And  I  deem  that  name  a  blessing,  yea,  an  almost  holy  thing, 
Fur  its  utterance  gives  a  gladness  which  no  other  word  can  bring  ; 
To  my  heart  it  is  as  music,  to  my  soul  it  is  as  prayer, 
And  like  Sabbath-bell  its  breathing  trembles  on  the  quiet  air. 

Though  I  've  dared  not  to  love  thee  —  save  as  I  would  love  a  saint, 

Or  a  pictured  head  of  beauty,  such  as  Raphael  might  paint,  — 

Yet  I  would  that  I  might  woo  thee   with  my  songs  and  with  my 

rhymes, 
As  fond  lovers,  robed  as  minstrels,  wooed   their    loves   in  ancient 

times  : 

Then  within  my  heart  a  measure,  and  within  my  mind  a  rhyme, 
Ever  mingling  with  each  other,  would  like  bells  make  pleasant  chime. 

'T  is  a  closed  poem  to  me  ;  't  is  as  something  never  known, 
The  great  glory  of  possessing  loving  heart  to  road  my  own  . 
Then  to  list  its  quiet  beatings  in  the  watches  of  the  night, 
And  to  know  a  face  of  beauty  cometh  ever  with  the  light ;  — 
This  to  me  would  be  a  glory,  this  to  me  would  be  a  charm, 
Little  less  than  Heaven  gives  me  to  insure  my  soul  from  harm. 

Oh,  should  hope  but  be  exceeded,  and  I  win  thy  gentle  hand, 
Through  the  world  together  would  we  journey  to  the  better  land ; 
Moving  onward  as  our  shadows,  would  we  wander  side  by  side, 
Listening  to  the  changing  murmurs  wrought  by  Time's  oblivious 
tide; 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  167 

Till  our  youth  had  faded  from  us,  and  become  a  memory  old,' 
Would  our  hearts  yet  beat  together  till  life's  verses  all  were  told. 


Not  always  has  my  neighbor  the  poet  been  a  resident  of 
Lollipop.  When  he  first  came  to  our  village,  some  five 
years  ago,  he  was  a  homespun-jacketed  youth,  from  the 
country  lying  some  twenty  miles  back  amid  the  mountains. 
He  had  been  intimate  with  Nature  since  his  birth.  He 
knew  her  in  all  her  variety  of  moods.  He  was  poeti 
cally  posted  in  the  characteristics  of  her  changing  seasons 
He  had  noted  her  sunrises  and  sunsets ;  had  studied  the 
clouds  and  counted  the  stars ;  had  listened  to  the  singing 
of  birds,  the  hum  of  bees,  the  trill  of  locusts,  the  whir  of 
grasshoppers,  and  the  sound  of  the  bursting  of  buds  and 
unfolding  of  leaves  on  the  forest-trees.  He  knew  by  the 
noise  of  the  wind,  as  it  passed  through  the  woods,  whether 
it  bent  the  pines,  or  the  cedars,  or  the  elms,  or  the  oaks,  or 
the  maples,  in  its  course.  He  passed  a  good  many  hours 
dreaming  by  the  side  of  the  brawling  brooks,  or  sunning 
himself  on  the  hill-side,  when  all  the  other  members  of  his 
father's  house  thought  that  he  might  be  better  employed  if 
he  were  planting  corn  or  weeding  carrots.  He  evinced  an 
aversion,  however,  to  rakes,  hoes,  spades,  and  useful  articles 
of  a  like  nature,  and  gave  his  whole  mind  apparently  to 
bird's-nests,  water-lilies,  and  berries.  He  had  a  predilection 
for  the  shadows  that  chased  each  other  across  the  mountain 
sides,  and  was  favorably  inclined  to  the  moonlight  flickering 
on  the  water.  He  had  the  reputation  generally,  among 
the  neighbors,  of  being  an  idle,  good-for-nothing  boy,  who 
would  come,  some  one  day,  to  a  bad  end. 

My  neighbor  the  poet,  at  this  primeval  period  of  his 
life,  was  excessively  bashful.  He  blushed  if  a  girl  but 
looked  at  him,  and  if  she  spoke  he  ran  like  an  antelope  ; 
yet  he  was  ever  in  love.  He  adored  ladies  who  oftentimes 
were  old  enough  to  be  his  grandmother.  If  they  married 
he  grieved  over  it  as  if  it  were  their  funeral,  and  secretly 


1CS  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

wore,  for  mourning,  a  bit  of  black  ribbon  around  his  arm  for 
a  week.  He  was  more  devoted,  and  held  longer  to  his  dead 
loves  than  to  those  who  were  living,  for  he  was  as  fickle  in 
his  early  loves  as  in  those  of  later  years.  He  loved,  per 
haps,  less  discriininately  and  wisely  at  that  period  than  at 
the  present.  Young  maids  and  old  maids,  wives  and  moth 
ers  even,  were  alike  the  subjects  of  his  regard.  He  carved 
unnatural,  appearing  hearts  and  darts,  and  undecipherable 
initials,  on  the  smooth  bark  of  maple  and  birch  trees,  as 
evidences  of  his  affection  for  the  fair  one  the  initials  of 
whose  name  were  supposed  to  be  inextricably  entwined 
with  his  own.  The  carved  devices  became  at  length  so 

O 

numerous  that  the  neighbors  who  passed  through  the  forest 
observed  them,  and  wondered  what  they  were  for,  and 
who  had  cut  them.  They  talked  about  them,  and  con 
cluded  that  they  were  Masonic  signs,  and  of  course  meant 
no  good  to  those  dwelling  near.  The  schoolboys  believed 
they  were  done  by  the  ghost  of  a  man,  of  whom  tradition 
said  —  speaking  through  their  grandmothers  —  he  had  been 
murdered  by  his  rival  for  loving  the  young  lady  to  whom 
said  murderer  was  betrothed.  This  belief  was  also  held 
by  the  young  ladies  who  attended  the  district  school.  At 
last  the  woods  became  a  fearful  spot,  and  no  one  except  my 
neighbor  the  poet  dared  to  venture  there  after  dark.  But 
he  still  went  there,  and  added  to  his  business  of  carving 

*  o 

hearts,  darts,  and  initials,  that  of  cutting,  in  a  like  manner, 
billing  doves  and  the  single  word  Love. 

At  last,  one  day,  a  prying,  anxious  maiden  lady,  who  had 
been  loved  by  the  boy  and  cast  aside  for  one  newer  and 
younger,  caught  my  neighbor  the  poet  at  work.  From 
that  hour  his  occupation  was  gone ;  and  though  people 
laughed  at  and  jeered  him,  yet  they  thought  him  a  genius, 
and  told  him  as  much.  Then  our  poet  began  to  write  verse, 
and  was  frequently  called  upon  to  compose  epitaphs,  which 
he  did  very  cleverly,  embroidering  them  with  drawings  of 
urns,  and  extinguished  torches,  and  weeping-willows.  When 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  lf>9 

the  schoolmaster  died,  however,  he  waggishly  introduced  a 
birch-tree,  instead  of  the  customary  willow,  as  being  more 
suggestive  of  his  calling ;  and  the  stone-cutter  actually 
carved  it  on  the  marble.  Whenever  schoolboys  visit  the 
old  master's  grave,  they  turn  away  with  streaming  eyes  and 
a  sense  of  tingling  running  down  their  backs.  So  much 
for  the  youch  of  my  neighbor  the  poet. 


170  MY  NEIGHBORS. 


VII. 

PRUDENCE  AND  TEMPERANCE  JONES. 

;Y  neighbors  who  reside  in  the  corner-house  down 
the  street,  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  way  from 
my  chambers,  are  two  somewhat  antiquated  maiden 
ladies,  bearing  the  name  of  Jones.  They  have  the  fortune 
to  be  twin  sisters,  and  were  baptized,  something  more  than 
half  a  century  ago,  Prudence  and  Temperance.  Of  course, 
being  a  bachelor,  I  do  not  pretend  to  know  much  concern 
ing  certain  matters  ;  but  it  has  always  appeared  to  me  that 
the  fact  of  their  being  twins  must  have  been  the  result  of 
an  accident.  I  believe  that  twins  ought,  in  some  way  to  re 
semble  one  another  ;  but  except  the  circumstance  that  each 
of  them  is  single,  —  unmarried,  —  I  cannot  discern  any 
point  of  resemblance  between  them.  They  are  as  dissimi 
lar  as  the  equator  and  the  poles. 

Prudence  is  tall  and  thin  ;  has  unruly  light-red  hair,  that 
never  will  lie  smoothly,  and  small  gray  eyes,  that  never 
stand  still.  She  is  supplied  with  an  abundance  of  freckles, 
and  a  scarcity  of  teeth.  "  Her  tongue,  probably,  is  forked, 
and  her  chief  food,  doubtless,  is  pickles  and  bitter-almonds. 

Temperance  is  short  and  fleshy.  She  has  dark-brown 
hair,  and  large,  black  eyes.  She  is  poorly  provided  in  th 
item  of  freckles,  but  owns  a  large  mole  on  her  left  cheek. 
She  still  retains  her  full  complement  of  teeth,  and  has  the 
knack  of  cracking  walnuts  with  them  equal  to  a  squirrel. 
Her  tongue,  probably,  is  rounded  at  the  end,  and  her  food 
consists  of  strawberry  tarts  and  wild  honey. 

Both  are  devoted  church-women,  —  though  Prudence  is 
a  zealous  Puseyite,  and  Temperance  an  easy-going  follower 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  171 

of  the  low-church  party.  The  former  preaches  up  the 
Thirty-nine  Articles,  and  the  latter  endeavors  to  live  up  to 
the  Ten  Commandments.  The  first  talks  about  the  Apos 
tolic  succession,  and  the  last  seeks  to  walk  in  the  Apostles' 
footsteps.  The  one  spends  a  great  part  of  her  leisure 
hours  embroidering  crosses,  crosiers,  and  candlesticks,  with 
silk  floss  on  strips  of  ribbon  for  book-marks,  as  presents  to 
favorite  clergymen  —  (and  it  is  a  little  singular  that  her 
favorites  are  all  unmarried)  ;  the  other  passes  an  equal 
portion  of  time  in  making  calico  dresses  for  colored  chil 
dren,  and  in  knitting  worsted  socks  for  white  babies.  Pru 
dence  denounces  as  Dissenters  all  those  who  turn  their 
eyes  from  the  glittering  cross  which  surmounts  the  church  ; 
while  Temperance  amicably  fraternizes  with  all  other  sects, 
and  even  joins  her  Methodist  sisters  at  love-feasts.  When 
the  parson  —  who,  I  am  privileged  to  say,  adopts  neither 
high  nor  low  church  principles,  but  pursues  the  even  tenor 
of  a  Christian's  way  —  makes  a  parochial  call  on  the  twins, 
he  comes  out  of  their  dwelling  a  wonderfully  ill-used  man. 
I  think  he  is  shy  of  their  society,  and  would  willingly  limit 
his  visits  to  their  hospitable  dwelling  to  one  a  year.  But 
fate  and  feminine  stratagem,  combined,  are  too  powerful  for 
my  friend  the  parson  to  resist,  and  in  consequence  he  finds 
himself  much  oftener  their  guest  than  he  would  be  if  left  to 
his  own  device.  They  take  him  prisoner  whenever  they 
can  find  him  unengaged.  They  waylay  him  at  the  corners 
of  the  streets.  They  carry  him  off  from  weddings  and 
funerals.  They  get  up  "  tea-squalls  "  in  compliment  to  him, 
and  celebrate  his  birthday  by  presenting  him  with  velvet 
slippers  and  gilt-edged  editions  of  the  common  prayer-book. 
Yet,  for  all  this,  each  declares  in  the  most  solemn  manner, 
with  her  hand  placed  tremblingly  over  her  heart,  that  the 
felicities  and  infelicities  of  married  life  are  not  for  her,  but 
that  she  simply  desires  to  be  let  alone.  And  I  have  every 
reason  to  believe  that  their  wishes  in  this  particular  will  be 
granted. 


172  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

Jack  sometimes  calls  on  my  maiden  friends,  notwith 
standing  they  receive  and  treat  him  with  much  coolness. 
The  account  which  Mrs.  P.  has  given  to  them  of  Jack's 
habits  has  not  prepossessed  them  at  all  in  his  favor.  In 
deed  they  have  learned  by  their  own  observation  that  he  is 
inclined  to  be  irregular  and  wild,  —  proceedings  which  they 
think  exceedingly  unbecoming  and  disreputable  in  a  mar 
ried  and  family  man.  Last  New- Year's  day,  after  Jack 
had  freely  partaken  of  the  liquors  that  are  dispensed  at  the 
'•  Beautiful  Gates,"  he  called  on  the  gemini,  as  he  is  accus 
tomed  to  term  them,  accompanied  by  three  of  his  boon 
companions,  who,  equally  with  himself,  were  in  high  spirits. 
Their  behavior,  to  say  the  least,  was  indecorous.  They 
wore  their  hats  during  the  entire  call,  and  pleaded,  as  their 
reason  for  so  doing,  that  they  were  of  Quaker  descent,  and 
desired  to  keep  in  remembrance  on  that  day,  by  this  act, 
the  custom  of  their  forefathers. 

After  the  revellers  had  gone,  the  ladies  —  very  properly, 
I  think  —  ordered  the  servant  to  take  the  four  chairs  which 
had  been  occupied  by  Jack  and  his  friends,  into  the  back 
yard,  and  fumigate  them  with  brimstone  ;  "  and  then,"  said 
Miss  Prudence,  "  when  you  return  them  to  the  house,  cam- 
phire  them  well  with  camphor." 

Of  course,  my  feminine  friends'  ideas  of  cleanliness  are 
extreme.  A  flake  of  dust  is  never  seen  in  their  dwelling. 

O 

The  motes  which  dance  in  the  flickering  sunshine  in  other 
homes,  dare  not  show  themselves  in  the  home  of  the  spin 
sters.  Nothing  that  can  make  dust  or  noise  is  tolerated  by 
them.  The  little  maid-of-all-work,  named  Bettina,  of  Ger 
man  descent,  whom  they  took  from  the  Orphan  Asylum,  to 
bring  up,  puts  off  her  leather  shoes,  in  which  she  does  her 
street  ^errands,  at  the  kitchen's  outer  door,  and  puts  on  list 
clippers,  in  which  to  go  about  the  house.  No  cat,  nor  dog, 
nor  parrot,  nor  canary,  ever  disturbs  the  repose  of  the 
household.  Only  now  and  then,  when  a  mouse  is  heard 
nibbling  behind  the  wainscot,  a  neighbor's  cat  is  borrowed 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  173 

for  a  few  hours,  until  the  mouse  is  either  killed  or  fright 
ened  away.  Strangers,  however,  who  visit  the  house,  hear 
with  startling  distinctness,  breaking  the  otherwise  deep 
silence,  the  loud  ticking  of  the  Dutch  cuckoo  clock  in  the 
hall.  Day  and  night,  for  years,  its  voice  has  not  ceased ; 
but  the  spinsters  heed  it  not,  nor  appear  to  hear  it,  although, 
according  to  my  neighbor  the  poet,  it  ever  utters  and 
repeats  these  two  words  of  warning  and  advice  :  "  Single, 
mingle  !  mingle,  single !  "  and  which  he  has  employed  as  a 
refrain  in  a  song  composed  by  himself,  entitled  "  The  Spin 
sters'  Clock." 

My  two  maiden  friends  come  of  a  good  stock.  Their 
lamented  father,  who  died  some  twenty  years  since,  was  a 
gentleman  of  the  old  school,  and  wrote  M.  D.  after  his 
name.  He  was  extremely  popular  with  the  ladies,  and 
they,  perhaps  more  than  the  men,  missed  him  when  he  took 
his  departure.  The  poet  wrote  some  verses  about  him, 
which  I  here  subjoin  :  — 

THE  DOCTOR. 

He  was  a  portly  man  to  view, 

Rotund  in  form  and  short  in  stature  ; 
His  stomach  measured  three  feet  through, 

And  cast  his  feet  quite  into  shadow. 
His  dress  was  of  the  olden  mode,  — 

Black  stockings,  buckles,  and  knee-breeches  ; 
His  seals  of  gold  and  watch-keys  showed 

A  tendency  to  worldly  riches. 

His  voice  was  low;  and  soft  in  tone ; 

His  chin  was  shaved  close  as  a  whistle ; 
His  head  was  bald,  and  eke  it  shone 

As  shines  a  polished  piece  of  gristle 
He  rode  about  from  place  to  place, 

Within  a  gig  most  softly  padded, 
And,  like  a  cabbage-rose,  his  face 

Shone  o'er  the  dash-board  of  his  carriage. 

His  office  fronted  on  the  green, 
Two  doors  beyond  the  village  tavern 


174  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

The  blacksmith's  shanty  rose  between, 
A  something  'twixt  a  house  and  cavern. 

The  doctor  loved  a  social  glass, 

Therefore  lie  found  the  tavern  handy, 

And  by  the  forge  he  ne'er  could  pass, 
Unless  he  asked  the  smith  to  brandy. 

The  doctor  had  his  failing,  —  well ! 

We  all  do  err  in  some  direction  ; 
For  since  the  hour  that  Adam  fell 

Humanity  has  lost  perfection. 
And  if  he  liked  to  drain  the  bowl 

More  than  was  good  for  health  or  reason, 
He  had  excuses  —  dear  old  soul !  — 

He  worked  so  hard  through  every  season 

So  many  daily  calls  he  had, 

So  much  to  do,  so  far  to  travel ; 
The  roads  were  often  shocking  bad, 

And  deep  with  mud,  or  loose  with  gravel. 
And  then  — ah  !  yes  —  those  calls  at  night 

Were  trying  to  his  constitution. 
Poor  women  !  they  unnerved  him  quite, 

Unless  he  took  a  strong  solution. 

The  doctor  had  a  comely  wife  ; 

Full  forty  years  with  him  she  'd  tarried ; 
And  two  sweet  girls  had  made  his  life 

A  very  Eden   since  he  married. 
Their  youthful  days,  alas  !  were  gone, 

But  still  they  graced  the  doctor's  dwelling,  — 
Two  modest  maidens,  all  forlorn, 

Whose  charms  long  since  were  past  the  selling. 

And  yet  they  smiled  and  curled  their  hair, 

And  talked  of  ribbons,  beaux,  and  laces ; 
They  practised  many  a  girlish  air, 

And  studied  many  childish  graces. 
They  shunned  their  mirror,  though,  and  gave 

To  Heaven  the  time  once  spent  before  it; 
The  doctor  said  their  souls  't  would  save, 

If  Providence  did  not  ignore  it. 

The  doctor's  wife  was  somewhat  proud, 
Proud  of  her  good  man's  wit  and  knowledge, 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  175 

And  proud  that  all  the  village  bowed 

To  him  because  he  'd  been  to  college. 
And  he  was  proud  of  her  in  turn, 

Proud  of  her  beauty,  though  't  was  faded, 
Proud  because  she  could  still  discern 

The  finest  print  with  eyes  unaided. 

And  when  together,  free  from  care, 

To  church  they  walked  on  Sunday  mornings, 
They  were,  in  sooth,  a  courtly  pair, 

And  picturesque  in  their  adornings. 
His  ruffles  and  three-cornered  hat, 

Her  turban  with  its  plume  of  yellow, 
Made  them  appear  as  if  they  'd  sat 

For  an  old  painting,  rich  and  mellow. 

An  honest  man  he  lived  and  died ; 

And  though  he  joked,  he  loved  the  Bible ; 
The  golden  rule  was  e'er  his  guide, 

Nor  was  he  sued  for  debt  or  libel. 
The  poor  man  ever  found  him  true  ; 

The  rich  man  never  hollow-hearted ; 
And  all  the  ladies  thought  he  knew 

More  knowledge  than  the  schools  imparted. 

And  so  he  lived,  and  so  he  died, 

A  model  man  —  except  his  drinking  ; 
And  many  a  bride  and  mother  cried, 

When  told  that  he  was  "  slowly  sinking." 
His  wife  outlived  him  just  a  year, 

But  still  his  daughters  linger  after, 
And  o'er  his  grave  shed  many  a  tear, 

And  oft  recall  his  jocund  laughter. 

Portraits  of  the  good  doctor  and  his  wife,  in  their  "  pict 
uresque  adornings,"  hang  on  the  walls  of  my  neighbors 
the  spinsters'  dwelling  ;  and  on  each  recurring  anniversary 
of  the  originals'  marriage,  many  of  the  olden  settlers  in  the 
village  call  to  look  at  them.  At  such  time  the  twins, 
arrayed  in  their  most  costly  gowns,  delight  to  speak  of  the 
excellences  of  their  parents. 


176 


MY  NEIGHBORS 


VIII. 

MR.    AND    MRS.    POTTS   HAVE    A    LITTLE    DISCUSSION. 

),  sir,"  I  heard  my  neighbor,  Mrs.  Potts,  through 
the  thin  partition  which  separated  our  chambers, 
exclaim,  early  one  morning  to  her  liege  lord ;  "  I 
have  set  my  face  dead  against  that  thing,  and  neither  you 
nor  any  other  man  can  make  me  yield  a  single  inch." 

"  But,  my  dear  "  — 

"  No,  sir,  you  need  n't  use  any  buts,"  interrupted  Mrs.  P. ; 
"  and  as  for  calling  me  your  dear,  why  it  will  not  do  one 
bit  of  good." 

"Well,  listen  then  to  reason,"  said  Jack,  "and  I'll 
prove  "  — 

"  No,  sir,  I  won't  listen  to  reason,  and  you  can't  prove 
anything  that  will  convince  "  — 

"  Well,  have  your  own  way,  Mrs.  Potts,  and  be  as  stub 
born  as  usual." 

"  Stubborn  ! "  screamed  Mrs.  P.  "  I  should  just  like  to 
know  which  is  the  more  so,  you  or  I.  I  know  well  enough 
how  I  've  yielded  and  yielded  to  you  ever  since  Phoebe 
Jane  was  born,  —  and  that  is  seven  years  ago  come  Christ 
mas  day,  —  and  such  sicknesses  as  she  has  lived  through, 
too,  are  enough  to  make  you  weep ;  but  you  are  a  hard 
hearted  man,  and  I  only  wish  that  you  had,  as  the  poor 
child  has  had,  the  scarlet  fever,  and  the  whooping-cough, 
and  the  mumps,  and  the  measles,  which  your  long-legged 
friend  in  the  next  room  gave  to  her." 

"  And  the  seven  years  "  — 

"  Oh,  you  need  n't,"  interrupted  Mrs.  Potts,  "  say  any- 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  177 

thing  about  that  What  if  my  dear,  unfortunate  brother 
did  give  it  to  her,  is  that  any  reason,  I  want  to  know,  why 
you  should  throw  it  into  my  face  ?  But  you  take  delight, 
John  Potts,  in  casting  slurs  on  my  family,  and  I  should 
really  like  to  know  if  it  is  n't  quite  as  good  as  your  family  ? 
Did  n't  your  uncle  have  the  small-pox  ?  and  was  n't  your 
grandfather  "  — 

"  Hung,  Mrs.  Potts,"  shouted  Jack  ;  "  yes,  hung  because 
he  was  true  to  his  country,  and  hated  kings  and  tyranny." 

;'  He  was  a  rebel  and  a  spy,  sir,  and  was  rightly  served. 
Oh,  I  am  thankful  that  none  of  my  blood  was  ever  hung." 

u  Many  who  die  in  their  beds,  Mrs.  Potts,  are  more  dis 
honored  in  their  death  than  was  my  brave  grandfather." 

"  Oh,  I  know  what  you  mean  by  your  vile  insinuation, 
Mr.  P. ;  but  it  is  false,  sir ;  my  aunt  never  poisoned  her 
self;  and  she  was  as  virtuous  as  —  as  —  you  are  yourself, 
Mr.  Potts." 

"Very  likely,"  answered  Jack;  "and  now,  Mrs.  Potts, 
once  for  all,  will  or  will  you  not  go  with  me  to  New  York  ?  " 

"  No ! " 

"  Then,  Mrs.  P.,  I  '11  go  without  you." 

"  Go  if  you  dare." 

"  I  dare,"  said  the  heroic  Jack  ;  and  straightway  he 
leaped  from  his  bed,  and,  crossing  the  chamber  to  the  door, 
he  unlocked  and  opened  it  so  quickly  that,  at  first,  I  really 
thought  he  was  intending  to  start  immediately  in  grand 
deshabille,  but  he  only  called  for  hot  water,  and  then  pro 
ceeded  deliberately  to  dress  himself. 

After  a  short  pause,  Jack  continued, "  While  I  am  absent, 
my  love,  you  may  address  your  letters  for  me  to  Delmon- 
ico's,  where  I  shall  probably  have  a  room,  though  my  meals 
will  be  taken  elsewhere." 

"  None  but  gypsies  and  Arabs,  Mr.  Potts,  adopt  such 
method.  Christian  people  always  eat  where  they  sleep  ; 
and  I  thank  Heaven  that  I  am  a  Christian  woman  and  not 
a  Hottentot" 

12 


178  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

"Certainly,  my  dear — certainly;  but  for  my  part,  I 
study  my  convenience  in  the  matter,  and  shall  breakfast, 
and  dine,  and  tea,  wherever  I  may  see  fit." 

"  Mr.  Potts,  you  are  a  Hottentot." 

"  Humph  !  "  ejaculated  Jack. 

Then  another  pause  ensued.     At  last  Mrs.  P.  asked,  — 

"  Had  n't  1  better  keep  a  journal,  and  send  you  a  daily 
report  of  my  movements,  Mr.  Potts  ?  " 

"  Oh,  no,  my  clear,  that  will  not  be  necessary,  for  I  shall 
speak  to  our  neighbor  in  the  next  room  to  keep  an  eye  on 
you,  and  report  to  me  if  anything  extraordinary  occurs." 

"  A  pretty  thing  that  would  be  for  you  to  do,  Mr.  Potts, 
—  set  a  spy  to  watch  your  wife  ;  but  your  family,  I  remem 
ber,  is  famous  for  its  spies ;  —  you  cruel  man,  you."  And 
Mrs.  P.  wept.  Jack  was  silent. 

At  length  he  broke  the  silence  by  asking  Mrs.  Potts  to 
tell  him  where  he  could  find  his  valise.  Mrs.  P.  actually 
refused  to  tell. 

"  Then,"  exclaimed  Jack,  "  I  '11  take  the  large  trunk.  Do 
you  know,  my  love,"  he  went  on,  "  that  a  traveller  with  a 
large  trunk  is  treated  with  greater  respect  than  is  the  chap 
who  travels  with  only  a  carpet-bag  ?  " 

Mrs.  Potts  said  that  she  did  not,  but  considered  it  prob 
able. 

"  Well,  now,  my  dear,"  said  Jack,  "  if  you  will  but  con 
sent  to  go  with  me,  I  shall  have  no  difficulty  in  filling  the 
trunk,  for  your  dresses,  you  know,  take  up  much  room. 
Come,  say  that  you  '11  go." 

"  No,  John  Potts  ;  I  've  told  you  over  and  over  that  I 
will  not,  and  you  know  very  well  that  I  cannot." 

"  Why  ?  "  asked  John. 

"  Why !  because,  in  the  first  place,"  answered  Mrs.  P., 
"  I  have  n't  a  thing  to  wear.  In  the  next  place,  I  could  n't 
get  ready  under  two  weeks ;  then  how  can  I  in  two  hours  ? 
In  the  next  place,  who,  I  should  just  like  to  know,  would 
take  care  of  the  children,  and  Phcebe  Jane  with  such  a 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  179 

dreadful  cold  in  her  head  as  she  has  ?  Their  grand 
mother  !  Mr.  Potts,  you  are,  without  exception,  the  most 
inconsiderate  man  I  ever  knew,  —  as  if  my  dear  mother 
had  n't  had  trouble  enough  with  raising  one  set  of  children, 
without  my  pestering  her  with  mine.  Take  them  with  me, 
then  !  Mr.  Potts,  you  are  a  fool !  —  why,  I  could  n't  get 
them  ready  under  two  years ;  besides,  when  I  go  a-visiting  I 
don't  want  to  be  bothered  with  children.  I  am  tugged  and 
hugged  to  death  with  them  enough  at  home,  without  carry 
ing  them  off  to  New  York,  for  them  to  hug  and  tug  me  to 
death  there  ;  no,  I  just  won't  do  it.  In  the  next  place,  as 
I  was  saying,  I  don't  want  to  go  myself;  and  in  the  last 
place,  I  won't  go.  But  what  under  the  sun,  Mr.  Potts,  do 
you  mean  by  putting  into  the  trunk  the  wash-bowl  and 
pitcher  ?  and,  I  declare,  if  you  have  n't  got  my  double-ex 
pansion  skirt  in  it,  and  —  Mr.  Potts  you  sha'n't  put  in  the 
pillow,  now,  that's  so."  And  I  immediately  heard  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  P.  tussling  over  the  pillows.  After  a  short  and  si 
lent  struggle,  Mrs.  Potts  exclaimed,  '"  You  mean,  cruel 
wretch  !  but  you  have  n't  got  this  one."  Then,  after 
thrusting  the  other  pillow  into  the  trunk,  I  heard  the 
"  mean,  cruel  wretch  "  lock  it,  exclaiming,  as  he  did,  "  Now, 
thank  fortune  !  it  is  full."  And  then  he  whistled,  most 
provokingly,  "  Home,  sweet  home,'"  with  variations,  and 
proceeded  to  blacken  his  boots.  Mrs.  P.  bore  it  patiently 
for  some  time,  but  at  last  exclaimed,  "  I  should  think  that 
you  would  be  ashamed  of  yourself  to  whistle  in  such  a 
violent  manner  when  you  know  what  an  awful  headache  I 
have.  But  you  don't  care  for  me,  Mr.  Potts,  now ;  though 
there  was  a  time  when  I  thought  you  did." 

Jack  ceased  whistling. 

"  You  know,  my  dear,"  he  said,  "  that  I  do  care  for  you." 

"  No,  I  don't,  Mr.  Potts." 

"  But  I  say  that  I  do,  Mrs.  Potts."  And  Jack  enforced 
his  assertion  by  kissing  her. 

Mrs.  Potts  sighed  audibly. 


180  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

"  Do  you  think,  my  dear,"  he  continued,  "  that  I  have 
forgotten  the  days  of  our  courtship ;  when  I  used  to  go, 
night  after  night,  over  the  worst  road  in  the  whole  county, 
three  miles  and  more,  to  your  mother's,  to  see  you  ?  And 
did  n't  I  love  you  then  ;  and  don't  I  love  you  now  with  my 
whole  heart  ?  To  be  sure  I  do.  And  where  is  the 
woman,"  continued  Jack,  stopping  his  work  and  gesticulat 
ing  with  his  empty  boot, "  from  whom  I  would  bear  as  much 
as  I  do  from  you,  and  for  whom  I  would  do  so  much  to 
serve  and  please  ?  " 

Mrs.  Potts  suggested  Miss  Prudence  Jones. 

"  No,  Mrs.  Potts,  you  know  better.  Do  I  ever  buy  silk 
dresses  for  Prudence  Jones  when  I  go  to  New  York,  as  I 

O  ' 

always  do  for  you  ?     Answer  me  that,  if  you  please !  " 
Mrs.  P.,  decidedly  mollified,  replied,  "  Well,  no  !  " 
"  And  that  reminds  me,"  said  Jack,  "  to  ask  you  what 
kind  of  silk  I  shall  bring  you  when  I  return  ?  " 

"  I  think  that  a  brown  moire  antique"  answered  Mrs.  P., 
in  a  cheerful  tone,  "  would  be  the  most  becoming  for  me, 
my  dear ;  and  remember  to  get  enough  for  a  double  skirt, 
and  also  a  piece  of  ribbon  for  the  trimming,  —  a  wide, 
heavy  ribbon,  of  the  same  color  as  the  dress,  —  and  you 
may  as  well  have  it  plaited,  so  that  I  shall  have  less  trouble 
with  it  when  the  dressmaker  comes  to  put  it  on." 

Jack  promised  to  attend  to  it  as  directed,  and  then,  with 
Mrs.  P.,  who  in  the  mean  time  had  dressed,  proceeded 
down-stairs  to  breakfast. 

Shortly  afterward  a  carriage  called  for  Jack  and  his 
trunk  ;  when  he,  after  kissing  his  wife,  and  running  up-stairs 
to  the  nursery  to  bid  Phoebe  Jane,  and  little  Jacky,  and 
the  others,  good-bye,  entered  it.  and  was  driven  rapidly  to 
the  railway  station.  As  Mrs.  Potts  closed  the  front  door, 
after  his  departure,  I  heard  her  say  to  herself,  as  she  as 
cended  the  stairs,  "  Well,  after  all.  Jack  is  a  dear,  good 
fellow  ;  and  if  he  will  only  bring  rne  that  brown  moire  an 
tique,  why,  I  sha'n't  care  that  he  has  gone  without  me. 


MY  NEIGHBORS.  181 

Betty,"  she  continued,  calling  to  the  servant,  "  take  the 
children  down-stairs,  and  give  them  their  breakfast.  See 
that  Phoebe  Jane  has  on  her  flannel  skirt,  and  that  little 
Jacky  has  n't  got  his  pantaloons  on  hind-side  before  ;  and, 
Bei  ty,"  —  "  Yes,  marm,"  exclaimed  Betty,  —  "  As  I  am  not 
very  well  this  morning,  I  think  that  you  had  better  bring 
up  to  me,  from  the  cellar,  a  bottle  of  Scotch  ale ;  and, 
Betty,  tell  the  butcher  when  he  calls  to  bring  some  nice 
lamb-chops  for  dinner ;  and  —  well,  that  is  all  at  present, 
Betty." 

"  Yes,  marm,"  replied  Betty,  and  descended  the  stairs 
with  the  children.  Mrs.  Potts  went  into  her  room,  and  I, 
taking  my  hat,  went  out  to  the  "  Beautiful  Gates "  to 
breakfast. 

As  I  sat  over  my  buttered  toast  and  coffee,  I  said  to  my 
self,  "  It  was  a  fortunate  day  for  you,  William  Finch,  when 
Katrina  Vander  Heyden,  nee  Higginbotham,  said  '  No ' 
in  answer  to  a  certain  question  you  put  to  her  many  and 
many  a  year  ago.  You  Ve  seen  fortunate  days  since  then, 
William-boy,  but  that  day,  believe  me,  was  the  most  fortu 
nate  of  all.  •  You  have  escaped  a  good  deal  of  misery,  I  am 
inclined  to  think,  by  not  marrying.  You  are  free  to  go 
and  come  when  you  choose.  You  have  no  Mrs.  Finch  to  find 
fault  with  nor  scold  you.  You  have  no  Phoebe  Jane  to  be 
afflicted  with  colds  in  the  head.  You  have  no  little  Jacky 
for  whom  to  buy  candies.  You  have  no  Billys  nor  Bettys 
to  keep  in  trousers  and  flannel  petticoats.  You  have,  in 
short,  no  one  but  yourself  to  look  after,  and  you  are  in  fact 
a  lucky  dog,  and  you  ought  to  be  a  happy  fellow;  but, 
William  Finch,  I  regret  to  say,  that  you  are  neither  the 
one  nor  the  other.  You  would  give  all  your  boasted  in 
dependence  of  speech,  all  your  freedom  of  action,  all  your 
bachelor  days  of  ease  and  nights  of  gayety  for  one  month 
of  even  such  a  life  as  Jack  Potts  leads ;  for  then  you 
would  have,  if  not  a  wife,  —  though  I  would  not  assert  that 
Mrs.  Potts  does  not  love  Jack,  —  at  least  children  who 


ieCi  MY  NEIGHBORS. 

would  love  you  and  cling  to  you,  and  for  whom  your  heart 
would  beat  and  your  hands  labor  day  and  night.  It  was  a 
dark  day  for  you,  William  Finch,  when  Katrina  turned 
away  from  you  her  face  and  answered  No ;  and  you  are 
well  aware  of  it,  and  grieve  that  it  is  so.  For  you  no 
household-hearth  blazes,  no  woman  calls  you  husband,  and 
no  children  clamber  upon  your  knees  and  lisp  the  name 
father  to  you.  Alas  !  "  I  said  to  myself,  "  William  Finch, 
this  is  even  so." 

Just  at  that  moment  the  waiter  brought  to  me  the  morn 
ing  paper.  Mechanically  I  opened  it  and  turned  to  the 
list  of  marriages,  half  hoping  to  find  my  own  among  them ; 
but,  alas  !  it  was  not  there.  So  finishing  my  coffee,  which 
had  grown  cold,  I  departed.  I  walked  past  Hanky  Van- 
der  Ileyden's  house,  and  though  I  did  not  see  Katrina's 
face  at  the  window,  I  yet  heard  her  voice  rebuking  —  not 
scolding,  for  that  she  never  does  —  him  for  some  sin  of 
omission,  and  I  could  not  but  feel  thankful  that  it  was 
Hanky,  and  not  I,  who  was  receiving  the  reproof.  When 
I  reached  home,  by  the  aid  of  my  pipe,  I  soon  smoked 
myself  into  my  usual  state  of  contentment,  and  resolved 
to  be  satisfied  with  my  place  in  life,  neither  envying  the 
infelicities  of  Jack  Potts,  nor  the  felicities  of  Hanky  Van- 
der  Heyden  ;  resolved,  too,  not  to  spend  my  days  like  the 
poet,  O.  Philander  Coe,  in  making  love,  which  might  ter 
minate  either  in  a  felicity  or  an  infelicity ;  but  rather  dwell 
contentedly,  like  my  maiden  neighbors,  who  desire  neither 
the  one  nor  the  other ;  and  henceforth,  leaving  my  neigh 
bors  to  manage  their  own  affairs,  look  out  solely  for  the 
prosperity  and  comfort  of  William  Finch,  Esquire. 


DOWN   IN   THE  VALLEY. 


I. 


COUSIN*    KATE. —  HER   MATRIMONIAL  VIEWS. HER    AGE. 

SOME    ONE'S    DISAPPOINTMENT.  —  MY    EMPLOYMENT. 

THE     COMMUNITY. MISSIONARY    FRIENDS. HISTORI 
CAL    SOCIETY. ANTIQUARIAN    ASSOCIATION. KATE'S 

PLAINNESS. HER     POSITION. 

DWELL  down  in  the  valley.  Not,  however,  en 
tirely  alone.  My  cousin  Kate  keeps  house  for  me, 
and  I  have  a  son  —  a  lad  of  twelve  years  —  who 
passes  his  school-vacations  with  me.  It  is  my  misfortune 
to  be  a  widower.  Ten  years  have  elapsed  since  I  laid  my 
young  wife  to  rest,  and  came  hither  to  dwell  in  the  valley. 

Cousin  Kate  accompanied  me.  She  was  younger  then 
than  she  is  now,  and  my  new  neighbors  spoke  some  curious 
and  uncharitable  things  concerning  us.  Kate,  brave  girl ! 
heeded  not  their  sayings,  but  strove  to  make  cheerful  my 
wifeless  home,  and  to  tenderly  care  for  my  motherless  boy. 
And  well  has  she  succeeded.  If  any  one  should  ask  me 
who,  in  all  the  world,  I  love  the  best,  I  would,  if  I  thought 
fit  to  answer  the  question,  say  cousin  Kate ;  and  I  believe, 
if  Kate  were  asked  the  like  question,  that  her  reply  would 
be  cousin  Paul.  I  am  cousin  Paul.  Nor  would  it  appear 
at  all  strange  to  me  that  she  should  thus  say.  I  am  aware 
that  she  has  refused  many  excellent  offers  of  marriage 
within  the  last  few  years,  because,  as  she  one  day  in  a  con 
fidential  moment  told  me,  she  could  not  think  of  deserting 
me  and  my  twelve-years  oldling. 


]§4  DOWN  IN   THE    VALLEY. 

Not  that  Kate  and  I  are,  as  all  the  gossips  are  ready  to 
declare,  the  least  bit  in  love  with  each  other ;  or  have,  in 
deed,  the  slightest  thoughts  of  marrying.  No,  we  are  too 
well  satisfied  with  our  present  mode  of  life  to  desire  any 
change.  We  each  have  our  own  peculiar  views  in  regard 
to  matrimonial  bliss.  We  know  something  about  its  felici 
ties  and  infelicities.  Kate,  particularly,  looks  on  it  in  no 
very  favorable  light.  I  often  reproach  her  for  want  of  feel 
ing,  and  accuse  her  of  coldness  ;  at  the  same  time  I  seek 
to  portray  the  many  excellences  and  beauties  which  sur 
round  the  marriage  state.  But  no  sooner  do  I  close  my  re 
marks,  than  she  shakes  her  head  and  laughs,  and  advises 
me  to  take  up  Cupid's  bow  and  arrows,  and  go  about  the 
country,  as  Love's  champion,  exhorting  boarding-school 
misses  and  girls  who  study  the  ladies'  magazines.  For  her 
part,  she  is  too  old,  she  says,  to  listen  to  the  nonsense  lovers 
talk  ;  and  I,  she  should  think,  were  too  wise  to  utter  it.  To 
tell  the  truth,  Kate  is  older  than  I,  by  some  three,  four,  five, 
or  even  more  years.  I  cannot  tell  the  exact  number,  but 
enough,  at  all  events,  to  give  her  the  right  —  so  she  thinks 
—  to  advise  me  now  and  then,  and  which  advice  she  hopes 
I  will  try  to  profit  by.  Though  Kate  is  approaching  the 
sear  and  yellow  leaf,  still  does  she  retain  most  wonderfully 
her  youthful  ways  and  spirits ;  yet  is  she  dignified  withal, 
and  moves,  in  the  performance  of  her  household  duties. 
with  a  matronly  grace.  But,  as  I  said  before,  she  is  older 
than  I  in  regard  to  years,  and,  I  often  think,  even  in  regard 
to  wit  and  worth. 

I  am  not  certain  that  cousin  Kate  ever  has  loved.  Often 
have  I  been  on  the  point  of  asking  her  the  question ;  but 
somehow  the  words  refused  to  come  forth,  and  I  could  only 
beat  with  my  fingers,  on  the  arm  of  my  easy-chair,  an  ac 
companiment  to  something  my  heart  was  beating.  The 
truth  is,  I  dared  not  ask  her.  I  remembered  of  hearing  a 
story  told,  when  quite  a  lad,  of  a  disappointment,  I  think 
it  was  called  ;  and  that  somebody  somehow  married,  some- 


DOWN  IN   THE   VALLEY.  1£5  . 

where,  some  one  else,  or  something  of  that  kind,  though 
the  exact  merits  of  the  story  I  never  properly  understood 
Whether  or  not  Kate  had  anything  to  do  with  it  I  cannot 
positively  say ;  but,  at  all  events,  Kate  never  was,  and  is 
not,  and  says  she  will  never  be,  married  ;  and  so  it  is  that 
she  and  I  —  old  maid  and  widower  —  dwell  together  very 
pleasantly  in  my  cottage  down  in  the  valley. 

Cousin  Kate  and  I  are  not,  however,  without  friends, 
who  occasionally  pass  an  hour  or  more  with  us.  Very  good 
sort  of  persons,  too,  they  are,  —  not  entirely  given  up  to  the 
fashions  and  frivolities  of  the  age,  but  possessing  much 
good  sense  and  kindness  of  heart.  They  —  more  particu 
larly  Kate's  friends  —  love  to  drop  in  on  us  of  summer  af 
ternoons.  —  the  old  ladies  with  their  knitting,  the  younger 
ones  with  sewing  or  embroidery,  —  to  talk  to  Kate,  with 
wonderful  zest  and  volubility,  of  all  matters  and  things 
under  the  sun.  Sometimes  when  they  are  discoursing  on 
metaphysics,  and  get  a  trifle  beyond  their  depth,  they  will 
appeal  to  me  to  set  them  right ;  but  oftenest  my  assistance 
is  not  invoked,  and  I,  in  my  cosy  apartment,  sit  listening  to 
them  —  at  'times  occupied  with  my  cigar,  or  engaged  In 
translating  an  ode  from  Horace  for  the  "  Quarterly  Review," 
or  doing  a  love-poem  for  the  "  Atlantic,"  or  some  other 
equally  light  and  profitable  employment.  They  have  great 
ideas  —  have  these  olden  ladies  —  of  my  wisdom  and  as 
tuteness.  I  have  been  told  that  they  consider  me,  in  some 
respects,  superior  —  especially  as  regards  the  solidity  of  my 
learning  —  to  even  the  great  and  famous,  the  Rev.  Dr. 
Bunsby,  who,  years  ago,  was  the  Professor  of  Astrology  in 
one  of  our  oldest  colleges.  The  rusty  suit  of  black  which, 
usually,  I  wear,  adds  not  a  little,  I  think,  to  the  impression 
they  have  of  my  erudition.  Not  that  I  am  at  all  untidy  or 
neglectful  of  my  personal  appearance,  —  for  cousin  Kate 
would  not,  for  a  single  hour,  tolerate  in  me  any  such  piece 
of  foolishness,  —  but  that,  somehow  or  other,  there  is  an  air 
of  great  learning  surrounding  and  emanating  from  that 


186  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

rusty  and  antique  suit  of  mine.  The  younger  ladies,  how 
ever,  do  not  regard  me  with  the  veneration  with  which  the 

O 

minds  of  their  elders  are  filled.  The  feeling  they  enter 
tain  for  me  is  one  of  admiration.  I  write  verses  in  their 
albums,  and  indite  songs  for  them  to  sing. 

The  community  generally  look  on  me  as  a  somewhat 
privileged  individual.  They  pay  me  unwonted  honors. 
They  expect  me  on  "  Fourth  of  Julys  "  to  be  the  orator  of 
the  day.  They  regard  my  opinions  concerning  the  Union, 
the  American  Eagle,  and  the  Star-Spangled  Banner,  as 
sound  and  constitutional.  I  stand  almost  as  high  in  their 
esteem  as  does  a  militia  captain,  or,  possibly,  a  major  of 
dragoons.  The  whole  matter  is  founded  in  my  literary  at 
tainments.  They  take  me  to  be  a  scholar  —  one  fully  posted 
in  all  things  relating  to  common  schools,  academies,  and 
colleges. 

Owing  to  my  literary  proclivities,  I  have  various  works 
in  strange  languages  —  books  in  Hebrew,  Chinese,  and 
Hindu  dialects  —  sent  to  me  by  zealous  friends,  principally 
missionaries,  who  trust  that  I  will  take  "  great  delight,"  as 
they  express  it,  in  reading  them.  Several  members  of  the 
Historical  Society  have,  at  different  times,  forwarded  me 
curious  and  interesting  manuscripts,  pertaining  to  the  Rev 
olutionary  War,  for  perusal.  The  old  Red  Sandstone  An 
tiquarian  Association,  a  short  time  since,  dispatched  to  me 
by  a  trustworthy  member,  for  inspection,  three  corroded 
copper  nails,  and  at  the  same  time  politely  invited  me  to 
"  get  up  "  a  paper  in  relation  to  them,  to  read  before  the 
members  at  their  next  annual  meeting  in  January.  From 
our  worthy  representative  in  Congress  I  receive  many  gov 
ernment  documents,  that  reach  me  through  the  post-office, 
and,  occupying  as  they  do  much  space  in  the  United  States 
mail-bags,  prove  a  fruitful  theme  for  discussion  among  the 
frequenters  of  the  office,  and  undoubtedly  are  great  levers 
in  elevating  me  into  notice,  and  giving  me  the  reputation 
for  wisdom  and  knowledge  which  I  possess.  To  confess 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  187 

the  truth,  however,  I  have  but  very  little  of  the  sageness 
which  my  contemporaries  are  pleased  to  attribute  to  me. 
Cousin  Kate  knows  thrice  as  much  as  I,  and  yet  few  give 
her  credit  for  more  than  being  able  to  speak  her  own 
mother-tongue  correctly.  The  reason  is,  she  is  a  woman, 
and  neither  sets  herself  up  for  a  blue-stocking,  nor  yet 
"  goes  in  "  for  woman's  rights.  Simply  a  true,  noble-hearted, 
noble-minded  woman  is  cousin  Kate. 

Cousin  Kate  could  not  possibly,  even  through  any  mis 
understanding  of  the  word,  be  termed  beautiful.  Kate  her 
self  would  be  the  first  to  laugh  at  any  one  so  venturesome 
as  thus  to  call  her.  What  she  may  have  been  in  her  palmy 
days  it  matters  not  either  to  her  or  to  me.  It  is  with  the 
present  alone  I  have  to  do,  not  with  the  past.  To  be  sure, 
there  are  rumors  —  faint  and  idle  rumors  —  which  some 
times  reach  my  ears,  of  a  peerless  beauty  who,  for  some  few 
summers,  was  the  reigning  queen  at  the  watering-places, 
and,  during  the  winters,  the  acknowledged  belle  of  the  city 
where  she  dwelt.  Whether  Kate  was  ever  this  "  Queen 
of  Beauty,"  I  will  leave  for  others  to  tell ;  but  if  she  were, 
then  disease  more  than  age  has  scarred  and  seamed  the  face 
once  fair  and  smooth.  To-day  Kate  is  plain  —  plain  beyond 
any  sort  of  doubt.  The  plainness  of  her  features,  too,  is 
of  that  description  which,  when  beheld  for  the  first  time, 
calls  forth  our  pity,  but  afterwards,  grown  familiar  to  us, 
we  are  apt  to  wonder  how  it  was  that  feelings  of  such  a 
nature  could  possibly  have  possessed  our  hearts,  and  we 
are  only  surprised  that  something  akin  to  veneration  had 
not  arisen  in  its  stead.  Every  one  down  in  the  valley  loves 
and  respects  cousin  Kate. 

Few  of  the  gentler  sex  who  live  in  the  valley  play  a 
more  conspicuous  part  in  the  humble  life  therein  than 
Kate.  She  is  first  directress  of  the  Sewing  Society ;  head 
manageress  of  the  "  Orphan's  Home,"  —  a  capital  institu 
tion,  possessing  a  charter  derived  from  the  State,  and  hav 
ing  a  constitution  and  by-laws  got  up  expressly  for  it  by 


188  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

myself.  She  is  the  instigator  of  and  the '  prime  mover  in 
the  winter's  fairs  and  the  summer's  strawberry  festivals. 
No  picnic  would  be  pleasant  unless  she  had  a  hand  in  it, 
and  no  tableau  perfect  without  her  assistance.  Kate,  too, 
is  the  acknowledged  leader  of  fashion  among  the  ladies  of 
the  village;  and  to  her  are  referred  all  questions  pertain 
ing  to  la  mode.  Whenever  she  goes  to  the  city,  she  re 
turns  with  her  trunks  filled  with  paper  patterns  of  all  the 
late  styles  of  attire  relating  to  a  lady's  wardrobe,  from  the 
head-dress  down  to  the  gaiters.  Notwithstanding  Kate  is 
the  oracle  whose  directions  the  milliner  and  dressmaker 
follow  implicitly,  yet  she  does  not  herself  dress  in  the 
height  of  fashion.  There  is  a  middle  course  which  Kate, 
wisely,  I  think,  adopts.  To  sum  up,  cousin  Kate  is  a 
woman  of  excellent  judgment,  of  exquisite  taste,  and  great 
kindness  of  heart ;  in  short,  — 

A  creature,  not  too  bright  or  good 

For  human  nature's  daily  food  ; 

For  transient  sorrows,  simple  wiles, 

Praise,  blame,  love,  kisses,  tears,  and  smiles." 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 


189 

I 


n. 

GREGORY     GRUMM. HIS     PERSONAL     APPEARANCE. HIS 

AFFAIRS  AND  MINE. IN  THE    SAME    BOAT. "ALLEN- 
DALE." —  "THE   HEMLOCKS."  —  GREGORY'S    WHIM. — 

HIS  ACTS  OF    KINDNESS.  FRED'S    LETTER. WHY    HE 

HAS    A    VACATION.  —  MONEY. 

HAVE  an  ancient  bachelor  friend,  Gregory 
Grumm,  who  terms  himself  the  last  of  the  old 
guard,  and  who  apparently  is  a  cynical  dog,  always 
finding  fault  with  his  neighbors,  and  grumbling  at  the  stu 
pidity  of  the  world  at  large.  His  faith  in  the  felicities  of 
matrimony  is  extremely  slight,  and  he  never  lets  an  occasion 
pass  of  railing  against  that  sacred  institution.  Gregory's 
personal  appearance  is  by  no  means  prepossessing.  He  is 
a  large,  fat  man,  and  bald  on  the  top  of  his  head.  This 
sign,  however,  with  which  Time  has  marked  him  for  his 
own,  is,  when  out-of-doors,  effectually  hidden  from  prying 
eyes  by  the  white  fur  hat  which,  both  summer  and  winter, 
distinguishes  Gregory  from  his  neighbors.  My  old  friend 
carries  an  eye-glass,  and  sports  an  ivory-headed  cane.  His 
eyes  are  large  and  black ;  his  nose  is  a  Roman  one,  of 
kingly  dimensions.  His  teeth  are  his  own,  and  as  white 
and  sound  as  they  were  thirty  years  ago.  A  complete  suit 
of  nankin  clothes  Gregory  from  head  to  foot,  and  fits  him 
as  close  as  his  gloves,  —  which  are  of  a  similar  shade,  only 
one  size  too  small  for  his  hands,  —  and,  in  consequence,  he 
is  continually  bursting  out  in  unusual  and  unnecessary 
places,  much  to  his  annoyance  and  displeasure.  The  truth 
is,  Gregory  has  outgrown  his  clothes,  and,  having  no  wife 
to  direct  him  to  the  tailor's,  has  gone  on,  summer  after  sum- 


100  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

6 

nier,  wearing  his  well-preserved  nankins  till  his  increasing 
size  has  stretched  them  to  their  extremest  capacity.  I 
am  afraid  that,  some  day,  my  friend  will  meet  with  a  terri 
ble  calamity,  and  perhaps  be  brought  home  wrapped  in  a 
borrowed  duster,  or  some  good  young  lady's  hooped  skirts. 

Viewed  from  a  distance,  Gregory  resembles,  somewhat, 
a  huge,  pineapple-shaped  cheese,  and  rolls,  when  he  walks, 
like  a  Dutch  galliot  in  a  storm  at  sea.  Notwithstanding 
that  the  greater  preponderance  of  his  bulk  is  enveloped  in 
that  portion  of  nankin  which  he  sports  below  his  waist 
bands,  still,  with  his  red  neck-tie,  whose  ends  stream  in 
the  wind,  and  his  gray  moustache,  which  forms  a  pent-roof 
over  his  capacious  mouth,  Gregory  Grumm  is  rather  a 
picturesque  individual ;  while  his  annual  income  of  ten 
thousand  dollars  enables  him  to  be  as  eccentric  as  he  likes. 
Gregory  never  interferes  with  any  one's  business  except 
his  own  and  mine.  With  the  former  he  is  continually 
making  the  most  incomprehensible  changes.  No  matter 
how  well  his  affairs  may  be  progressing,  he  is  sure,  just  at 
the  wrong  moment,  to  give  some  false  direction  to,  or 
effect  an  alteration  in,  his  best-concocted  plans  ;  thereby 
causing  the  direst  confusion.  Then  it  immediately  be 
comes  his  greatest  pleasure  to  remedy  the  evil. 

As  for  my  own  affairs,  according  to  Gregory's  views, 
there  is  nothing  I  do  properly,  unless  with  his  knowledge 
and  approval.  To  humor  my  old  friend,  therefore,  I  con 
sult  with  him,  whenever  we  meet,  in  regard  to  my  little 
speculations  and  affairs,  and  then,  as  every  independent 
citizen  should,  pursue  that  course  which  in  my  judgment 
seemeth  the  wisest. 

Years  ago,  when  Gregory  was  a  young  man,  he  and  I 
sailed  together  in  the  same  canoe.  It  was  hard  work  at 
first,  for  the  tide  was  dead  against  us ;  but  we  possessed 
strong  arms  and  willing  hearts,  and  made  our  voyages 
seem  short,  cheering  each  other  with  gay  songs  and  merry 
stories.  To  speak  somewhat  plainer,  Gregory  and  I  were 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  191 

clerks  together  in  a  shipping-house,  and  we  worked,  stand 
ing  side  by  side,  at  a  big  desk,  pen  in  hand,  from  early  to 
late,  day  after  day  and  year  after  year,  till  at  length, 
through  the  death  and  retirement  of  the  heads  of  the  firm, 
we  succeeded  to  the  business.  And  so,  resting  on  our 
oars,  but  still  holding  the  tiller,  we  floated  together  onward 
with  the  tide.  When  therefore,  one  day,  I  said  to  Greg 
ory  that  I  thought  of  leaving  him,  and  going  down  into 
the  valley,  he  sneered  at  me,  and  called  me  a  fool ;  but, 
nevertheless,  declared  that  he  would  go  with  me.  So  we 
left  the  boat,  floating  with  the  current,  in  other  hands,  and, 
taking  our  wallets  with  us,  —  Gregory  declared  there  was 
not  half  enough  in  them,  and  that  both  of  us  would  be 
inmates  of  a  poor-house  before  a  year  had  passed,  — 
stepped  on  shore,  and  passed  down  into  the  valley ;  where, 
finding  the  place  "  Allen-Dale "  without  an  occupant,  I 
bought  it,  though  Gregory  grumbled  thereat,  because  of 
its  name,  which  he  called  stupid,  not  to  say  romantic,  and 
advised  me  to  change  it  to  "  Saint  Matthew's  Place,"  or 
the  "  Garden  of  Eden,"  or  anything,  in  short,  that  meant 
something.  But  I  firmly  refused  to  comply,  and  so  the 
spot  is  "  Allen-Dale  "  to  this  day.  As  for  Gregory,  he 
purchased,  near  by,  an  acre  of  ground,  on  which  he  built 
for  himself  a  house,  in  which,  with  his  black  servant  Pom- 
pey,  —  who  studies  his  master's  whims,  and  gets  for  him 
his  daily  meals,  —  he  lives.  The  children  down  in  the 
valley,  call  the  house  "  The  Lion's  Den,"  and  its  growling 
proprietor  "  The  Roaring  Lion."  He,  however,  terms  the 
place  "  The  Hemlocks,"  though  there  are  no  hemlocks 
within  a  mile  of  it.  He  says  the  name  is  as  good  as  any, 
and  that  he  likes  it,  and,  moreover,  he  will  have  it  this  and 
nothing  else.  Therefore  it  is  that  my  friend  Gregory 
Grumm  inhabits  "The  Hemlocks."  He  is  very  particular, 
too,  that  his  correspondents  should  address  their  communi 
cations  for  him  to  that  particular  locality  ;  nor  will  he  take 
a  letter  from  the  post-office  unless  it  be  so  superscribed. 


192  DOWN  IN  THE   VALLEY. 

I  knew  once  of  his  leaving  a  letter  lying  there  a  week 
because  it  was  lacking  in  this  matter ;  but  the  whim 
proved  an  expensive  one,  as  he  lost,  by  the  delay  in  not 
receiving  the  same,  nearly  a  thousand  dollars.  To  prevent 
any  such  accident  from  occurring  in  the  future,  and  yet,  at 
the  same  time,  have  his  whim  gratified,  he  made  a  private 
arrangement  with  the  postmaster,  whereby  all  letters  ad 
dressed  to  him,  not  having  this  important  word  upon  them, 
should  receive  it  from  the  pen  of  the  P.  M.  himself — imi 
tating,  as  near  as  possible,  the  handwriting  of  the  other 
portion  of  the  letter's  superscription  — before  being  placed 
in  his  appropriate  box.  By  this  nice  management  all 
difficulty  is  obviated,  and  though  Gregory  does  not  always 
receive  his  letters  quite  so  soon  as  he  otherwise  would, 
yet  is  his  temper  no  longer  ruffled,  his  wishes  are  satisfied, 
and  the  postmaster  thereby  receives  considerable  addition 
to  his  small  emolument. 

Though  to  the  world  Gregory  Grumm  shows  a  rough 
outside,  yet  his  heart  is  a  tender  one.  He  will  abuse 
a  beggar  unmercifully,  and  drive  him  with  opprobrious 
epithets  from  his  door,  but,  ere  he  is  out  of  hearing,  will 
call  him  back  and  give  him  a  dollar.  He  owns  several 
tenement  houses,  from  the  inmates  of  which  he  exacts,  to 
the  uttermost  mill,  the  amount  of  each  quarter's  rent; 
often,  however,  himself  secretly  supplying  them  with  the 
means  to  meet  it.  He  shakes  his  cane  at  the  boys  in  the 
valley,  as  he  passes  through  the  street,  and  frowns  severely 
at  the  little  girls ;  but  he  gives  the  former  three-cent 
pieces  and  fire-crackers  at  Christmas  and  Fourth  of  July, 
and  sends  to  the  latter  dolls  and  torpedoes  on  the  same 
anniversaries.  That  Gregory,  though  belonging  to  no 
church  or  sect,  is,  in  the  true  acceptation  of  the  term,  a 
Christian,  not  one  of  the  clergymen  of  the  various  denom 
inations  having  place  down  in  the  valley  will  deny.  If 
their  larders,  contain  fatter  turkeys  or  larger  sirloins  of 
beef  than  is  usual,  or  their  cellars  more  mealy  potatoes, 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  193 

or  rosier-cheeked  apples  than  is  common,  or  their  out 
houses  cleaner  tons  of  coal,  or  higher  piles  of  fire-wood, 
than  is  often  seen,  —  it  is  because  Gregory  Grumm  has  had 
the  ordering  and  paying  for  all  these  things.  And  yet  he 
does  not  often  go  to  hear  them  preach,-but  remains,  Sun 
day  after  Sunday,  at  home,  reading  some  printed  sermons, 
of  which  many  have  a  place  on  the  shelves  of  his  library. 

There  is  one  being  in  the  world,  and  only  one,  to  whom 
Gregory  Grumm  never  addresses  a  cross  or  bitter  word. 
Cousin  Kate  herself  does  not  always  escape  his  sarcastic 
remarks  ;  but  my  son  Fred  is  his  pet  and  admiration. 
Fred  can  do  anything  with  Uncle  Gregory,  as  he  was 
taught  to  call  him,  and  his  love  of  mischief  often  leads 
him  to  commit  acts  which  no  one,  loving  him  less  than 
does  Gregory,  could  or  would  overlook  and  forgive.  Fred, 
the  scamp,  knows  this,  and  takes  advantage  of  it  to  play  a 
hundred  tricks  on  Uncle  Gregory,  for  his  own  and  others' 
gratification,  which  not  only  makes  me  ashamed  of,  but 
likewise  angry  at  him.  When,  however,  I  would  rebuke 
and  punish  him  for  so  doing,  Gregory  will  stop  me,  say 
ing,  "  Fy,  fy !  the  lad  is  young,  Paul,  and  thoughtless ; 
besides,  the  sly  monkey  knows  that  I  am  as  much  amused 
at  his  jokes  as  he  is  himself."  So  the  boy  goes  unpun 
ished,  and  becomes  more  daring  every  day.  But  he  is 
absent  from  home  now,  at  boarding-school,  and  I  trust 
that,  when  he  returns,  he  will  be  changed  for  the  better, 
and,  giving  up  his  boyish  pranks,  will  prove  himself  a 
model  youth.  I  may  look  for  him  home  soon  —  according 
to  his  last  letter,  which  I  subjoin  —  to  pass  the  vacation, 
and  shall  then  know  whether  or  not  he  has  improved  in 
his  behavior. 

"  Prospect  Hill  Academy,  July  the  Wth.  « 

"  DEAR    FATHER,  —  Hurrah  !    ain't   you   glad  ?    we  're 

going  to  have  a  vacation.     The  re*ason  we  are  to  have  a 

vacation  in  the  middle  of  the  term  is,  that  Mr.  Penfield, 

the  writing-master,  is  going  away  to  be  married,  and  Mr 

13 


194  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

Lightman  has  got  a  crick  in  his  back,  which  he  caught 
while  lying  on  the  grass,  one  night,  looking  for  the  comet 
through  his  spy-glass.  So  the  head  teacher,  Mr.  Ferule, 
said,  as  it  was  such  warm  weather  now,  and  the  boys  went 
to  sleep  so  much  *of  afternoons  in  the  school-room,  and 
did  n't  study  none,  that  he  guessed  he  'd  give  us  a  week's 
vacation,  and  he  hoped  we  'd  recruit  up  in  that  time,  and 
come  back  not  so  lazy,  and  study  hard.  The  biggest  boy 
in  school,  John  Growsy  by  name,  said  he  guessed  that  old 
Ferule  wanted  to  go  to  the  wedding  himself;  and  that's 
what  I  guess.  What  do  you  guess,  and  Uncle  Gregory  ? 

"  Oh  !  I  most  forgot  to  say  I  want  some  money  to  come 
home  with,  for  what  you  sent  me  last  month  is  all  gone.  I 
spent  it  for  fire-crackers,  and  sea-serpents,  and  spinning- 
wheels,  and  them  kind  of  things,  on  Fourth  of  July  ;  and, 
crickey,  what  fun  we  did  have !  Little  Billy  Testy  singed 
his  eyebrows  and  front  hair  all  off  with  some  powder ;  and 
Georgy  Groat  he  sat  right  down  on  a  whole  bunch  of 
crackers,  and  burnt  himself  there  dreadful.  John  Growsy 
put  molasses  and  vinegar  on  it,  and  it  helped  him  right 
away.  I  only  burnt  my  nose  a  little,  holding  a  lighted 
cracker  between  my  teeth  when  it  went  off.  Please  don't 
forget  to  send  the  money.  Send  plenty  of  it,  and  then  I  '11 
come  home  on  Wednesday,  sure.  Tell  Cousin  Kate  to 
have  some  mince-pies  and  strawberries  for  me,  and  for 
Uncle  Gregory  to  buy  me  a  knife  and  some  fish-lines  and 
hooks.  Your  affectionate  son, 

FRED. 

"  P.  S.  —  Send  the  money  in  one-dollar  bills,  just  as 
quick  as  you  can." 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  195 


ni. 

THE    PONT;    HIS     COST. FRED'S     HEALTH.  —  SUMMERSETS. 

KATE    SINGS  ;    HER   VOICE.  —  GREGORY'S     GALLANTRY. 

KATE  AN  HEIRESS. OUR  ASTONISHMENT. GREGORY'S 

ANGER.  —  FRED'S    NAUGHTINESS;     HIS    PARDON. AN 
OTHER    LETTER    FROM    FRED. 

|  RED  has  come  home.  The  day  he  was  expected, 
my  old  friend  Gregory  drove  me  to  the  railroad 
station  to  meet  him.  We  rode  in  an  old-fashioned 
gig,  behind  a  Shetland  pony  no  larger  than  a  Newfound 
land  dog,  which  Gregory  had  that  day  purchased  expressly 
for  Fred.  Our  appearance  attracted  considerable  notice  ; 
for  the  pony  was  light,  and  Gregory  somewhat  heavy,  — 
weighing  perhaps  a  trifle  less  than  two  hundred,  —  and 
whenever  he  leaned  back  in  his  seat,  the  pony  was  forth 
with  lifted  off  his  feet,  so  that  many  times  it  appeared 
doubtful  whether  pony  would  come  down  to  the  earth  or 
go  up  in  the  air.  I  felt  that  we  were  running  a  great  risk, 
and  mentioned  as  much  to  Gregory,  suggesting,  at  the 
same  time,  the  propriety  of  my  getting  out  to  walk,  which, 
as  the  thermometer  marked  only  ninety-nine  in  the  shade, 
would  have  been  a  very  comfortable  undertaking.  Gregory 
laughed  at  me,  however,  and  promised  that  he  would  see 
the  balance  of  power  kept  in  the  pony's  favor. 

It  may  be  that  our  turn-out  attracted  more  attention 
than  it  otherwise  would,  owing  to  the  contrast  it  exhibited 
between  the  horse  Gregory  usually  drove  —  a  black-coated 
animal,  standing  sixteen  hands  high  in  his  shoes  —  and  the 
present  incumbent.  One  little  fellow  whom  we  met 
stopped  us.  and  advised  Gregory  to  exchange  places  with 


196  DOWN  IN  THE   VALLEY. 

the  pony ;  which,  though  the  plan  was  feasible  enough,  was 
neither  relished  nor  followed  by  my  worthy  friend. 

As  we  jogged  slowly  on,  Gregory  informed  me  that  he 
bought  the  Shetland  for  a  mere  song,  —  somewhere  about 
the  cost  of  a  bottle  of  brandy  and  a  crust  of  bread,  —  of 
one  Jasper  Millikens,  a  large  dealer  in  horses,  dogs,  and 
whiskey.  Of  course  Millikens  frequented  the  "  Hammer 
and  Tongs, "-—the  name  of  the  principal  tavern  down  in 
the  valley,  —  and  was  seldom,  if  ever,  sober.  The  pony 
was  warranted  to  be  sound  and  gentle  ;  a  good  goer,  sure 
footed,  and  easy  to  keep  ;  free  from  faults,  and  six  years 
old  come  next  spring.  Whether  Patty  —  this  is  the  name 
Gregory  gave  the  pony,  though  why  it  should  have  a  femi 
nine  appellation  I  know  not — is  all  that  was  warranted, 
time  will  doubtless  declare. 

Gregory  said  that  he  thought  riding  the  pony  would  not 
only  benefit  Fred's  bodily  health,  but  also  improve  his  men 
tal  faculties.  I  told  Gregory  that  the  boy  was  well  and 
hearty,  nor  needed  exercise ;  but  this  only  had  the  effect 
of  violently  exciting  my  friend,  causing  him  to  pull  up  his 
shirt-collar  about  his  ears,  to  blow  a  terrific  blast  on  his 
nose,  —  which  last  performance  frightened  the  pony  into  a 
smart  trot,  —  and  to  give  his  gray  moustache  such  a  twist  as 
to  nearly  pull  off  his  head ;  and  at  the  same  time  to  ex 
claim  that  the  affair  was  none  of  mine,  and  that  if  he  chose 
to  buy  a  camel  or  a  crocodile  for  Fred  to  ride,  he  should 
do  so :  besides,  there  was  nothing  so  well  calculated  to  pre 
serve  health  as  riding  horseback.  "  Boys,  as  you  know, 
Paul,"  he  continued,  in  a  somewhat  calmer  tone,  "  are  at 
any  moment  liable  to  be  attacked  with  measles  or  scarlet 
fever,  or  fits,  or  something  of  the  kind  ;  and  it  becomes  us, 
as  faithful  guardians  of  their  health,  to  ward  off,  by  all 
means  in  our  power,  the  approach  of  insidious  disease.  If 
proper  care  be  taken  of  Fred  during  his  days  of  boyhood, 
I  should  not  be  surprised,  Paul,  if  he  were  one  day  to  be 
come  as  healthy  and  fleshy  and  good-looking  as  I  am  my- 


DOWN  IN  THE   VALLEY.  197 

self."  And  Gregory  stroked  his  double  chin  with  great 
satisfaction.  We  reached  the  station  as  the  cars  rattled  up, 
and  were  there  just  in  time  to  behold  Fred,  in  his  haste  to 
reach  home,  leap  from  them,  while  yet  under  headway,  and 
in  consequence  turn  two  complete  summersets  after  his  feet 
first  touched  the  earth.  But  this  was  nothing  in  comparison 
with  the  summersets  he  got  off  when  he  arrived  at  Allen- 
Dale.  It  really  seemed  to  me  that  the  boy  was  crazed  with 
delight.  He  shook  Gregory  fifty  times,  at  least,  by  the 
hand ;  he  kissed  cousin  Kate  tilt  her  cheeks  were  red  as 
roses  ;  he  climbed  upon  my  knees,  and  whispered  boyish 
words  of  love  into  my  ears,  and  then  suddenly  darting 
away,  would  be  off  to  look  at  his  bedroom,  or  the  library, 
or  the  parlors,  to  see  what  alterations,  if  any^  had  been 
made  in  them  during  his  absence.  Then  he  would  rush  to 
the  stables  to  take  care  of  the  pony,  filling  his  feed-box 
with  oats,  and  speaking  to  him  as  though  he  thought  that 
he  could  understand  every  word  uttered. 

In  short,  he  was  wild  with  joy,  and  could  scarcely  stop  at 
the  tea-table  long  enough  to  eat  the  raspberries  and  cream, 
and  custards  and  sponge-cake,  which  cousin  Kate  had,  with 
thoughtful  care,  prepared  for  him.  Shortly  after  tea,  Fred 
insisted  that  Kate  should  sit  down  at  her  seldom-used  piano, 
to  sing  him  one  or  two  of  the  half-forgotten  songs  with 
which  she  had  lulled  him  to  sleep  in  the  days  of  his  baby 
hood.  When  Kate  was  young,  her  voice  was  noted  for  its 
volume  and  sweetness ;  and  now,  though  somewhat  broken 
and  lacking  the  fulness  and  roundness  of  tone  it  once  pos 
sessed,  yet  in  its  faltering  notes  a  pathos  and  tenderness 
dwell  which  its  olden  glory  never  knew.  After  Kate  had 
sung  several  cradle-songs  for  Fred,  and  played  some  mar 
tial  airs  for  Gregory,  her  voice  and  touch  strengthened,  the 
notes  dropped  more  liquidly  from  her  lips,  and  her  fingers 
traversed  more  freely  the  keys  ;  confidence  in  her  own 
powers,  half  lost  before,  returned  ;  and  with  more  than  her 
youthful  spirit  did  she  continue  to  sing  and  play.  Turning 


198  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

suddenly  from  a  gay  melody  which  she  was  rattling  off,  she 
struck  the  low  notes  of  a  prelude  which  she  herself  had 
scored,  and  with  deep  feeling,  which  brought  a  crowd  of 
olden  memories  to  my  heart  and  suffused  my  eyes  with 
tears,  she  sung,  or  rather  chanted,  a  song,  the  words  of 
which  I  had  written  years  ago,  entitled 

SHIPS  AT  SEA. 

I  have  ships  that  went  to  sea 

More  than  fifty  years  ago  ; 
None  have  yet  come  home  to  me, 

But  are  sailing  to  and  fro. 
I  have  seen  them  in  my  sleep, 
Plunging  through  the  shoreless  deep, 
With  tattered  sails  and  battered  hulls, 
While  around  them  screamed  the  gulls, 
Flying  low,  flying  low. 

I  have  wondered  why  they  stayed 

From  me,  sailing  round  the  world  ; 

And  I  've  said,  "  I  'm  half  afraid 

That  their  sails  will  ne'er  be  furled." 

Great  the  treasures  that  they  hold, 

Silks,  and  plumes,  and  bars  of  gold; 

While  the  spices  which  they  bear 

Fill  with  fragrance  all  the  air, 

As  they  sail,  as  they  sail. 

Ah  f  each  sailor  in  the  port 

Knows  that  I  have  ships  at  sea, 
Of  the  waves  and  winds  the  sport, 

And  the  sailors  pity  me. 
Oft  they  come  and  with  me  walk, 
Cheering  me  with  hopeful  talk, 
Till  I  put  my  fears  aside, 
And,  contented,  watch  the  tide 

Rise  and  fall,  rise  and  fall. 

I  have  waited  on  the  piers, 

Gazing  for  them  down  the  bay, 
Days  and  nights  for  many  years, 

Till  I  turned  heart-sick  away. 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  199 

But  the  pilots,  when  they  land, 
Stop  and  take  me  by  the  hand, 
Saying,  "  You  will  live  to  see 
Your  proud  vessels  come  from  sea, 
One  and  all,  one  and  all." 

So  I  never  quite  despair, 

Nor  let  hope  or  courage  fail ; 
And  some  day,  when  skies  are  fair, 

Up  the  bay  my  ships  will  sail. 
I  shall  buy  then  all  I  need,  — 
Prints  to  look  at,  books  to  read, 
Horses,  wines,  and  works  of  art,  — 
Everything  except  a  heart. 

That  is  lost,  that  is  lost. 

Once  when  I  was  pure  and  young, 

Kicher,  too,  than  I  am  now, 
Ere  a  cloud  was  o'er  me  flung, 

Or  a  wrinkle  creased  my  brow, 
There  was  one  whose  heart  was  mine ; 
But  she  'a  something  now  divine, 
And  though  come  my  ships  from  sea, 
They  can  bring  no  heart  to  me 
Evermore,  evermore. 


As  Kate  ceased,  I  raised  my  eyes  and  looked  at  Gregory. 
He  had  entered  the  music-room,  from  the  piazza,  where 
he  was  promenading  when  she  commenced  the  song,  and 
now  stood  beside  her,  actually  turning  the  leaves  of  music 
from  which  she  was  playing.  I  never  had  seen  Gregory 
display  so  much  gallantry.  I  have  of  late  thought,  how 
ever,  that  he  brushes  his  coat  with  more  than  extra  care, 
and  gives  a  more  graceful  twirl  to  his  moustache,  whenever 
he  calls  on  me  at  an  hour  wherein  he  is  sure  to  encounter 
Kate,  than  at  other  times.  He  has  certainly  "  spruced  up  " 
wonderfully  since  a  year  ago,  when  I  for  the  first  time  in 
formed  him  that  Kate  was  in  a  small  way  an  heiress,  and 
owned  stock  in  the  Turnpike  Company,  and  also  was  pos 
sessed  of  shares  in  the  Aqueduct.  Therefore  it  was  that. 


200  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

this  gallantry  of  Gregory  made  an  impression  on  me,  while 
the  gravity  of  his  demeanor  and  the  courtly  grace  of  his 
attitude  had  never,  I  am  certain,  been  excelled  by  any  one, 
save  him,  since  the  days  of  Sir  Roger  de  Coverley.  I  was 
on  the  point  of  complimenting  Gregory,  when  —  possibly 
aware  that  he  had  stepped  out  of  his  usual  character,  and 
by  being  polite  had  laid  himself  open  to  attack  from  me, 
and  fearing  it  —  he  turned  his  back  abruptly  on  us,  and 
displayed  to  our  astonished  sight  a  red  silk  handkerchief, 
pinned  from  his  shoulders,  on  which  was  chalked  in  large 
letters,  "  Hurrah  for  Uncle  Greg."  Of  course  we  laughed  ; 
we  could  not  avoid  it ;  when,  facing  quickly  around,  Greg 
ory  demanded,  in  a  fierce  tone  of  voice,  to  be  informed  of 
what,  in  the  name  of  ten  thousand  hexameters,  we  were 
laughing  at ;  that  he  did  not  come  to  Allen-Dale  to  be 
made  a  sport  of;  that  he  had  done  no  more  in  turning  over 
some  sheets  of  namby-pamby  music  than  the  most  con 
summate  puppy  and  coxcomb  would  have  been  permitted 
to  do,  and  that,  also,  without  afterwards  being  laughed  at 
for  his  pains ;  and  turning  on  his  heel  as  he  spoke,  he  had 
the  extreme  pleasure,  he  said,  of  wishing  us  good-evening. 
So,  in  spite  of  my  entreaties  for  him  to  remain,  and  my 
offers  to  explain  the  matter,  to  which  he  turned  a  deaf  ear, 
he  seized  his  hat  and  cane,  and,  with  the  red  handkerchief 
streaming  behind  him,  departed.  I  watched  him  till  he 
disappeared  with  flying  colors  around  the  corner ;  then  be 
thinking  me  of  Fred,  —  whose  work,  I  knew  very  well,  the 
whole  thing  was,  —  I  told  him  to  follow  after  Uncle  Greg 
ory  and  bring  him  back.  But  Fred  was  lying  on  the  floor 
and  either  was,  or  pretended  to  be,  asleep.  He  appeared 
to  be  troubled,  too,  with  a  nightmare ;  for  sounds  of  a  suf 
focating  nature  seemed  to  come  from  his  throat.  At  last, 
however,  Fred  started,  and  in  a  half-hour  returned  with 
Gregory,  who  looked  gloomily  savage,  and  growled  and 
snarled  through  the  entire  evening  at  every  one  save  Fred, 
who  ventured  to  speak  to  him.  So,  after  a  few  futile  efforts 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  20] 

on  my  part  at  conversation  with  the  occupant  of  "  The  Hem 
locks,"  I  sat  down  with  Kate  to  a  game  of  chess,  which  oc 
cupied  us  till  Gregory,  who  was  listening  to  Fred  telling 
of  his  school  and  schoolmates,  departed.  When  my  old 
friend  had  left,  I  called  Fred  to  my  side  and  reproved 
him  for  the  want  of  respect,  and  the  naughtiness  he  had 
shown  to  his  kind  uncle,  who  dearly  loved  him,  and  was 
only  too  willing  to  overlook  and  forgive  his  many  faults. 
But  for  my  part,  I  said,  I  should  punish  such  acts ;  and  was 
proceeding  to  say  more,  and  do  something  to  that  effect, 
when  Fred  drew  from  his  pocket  a  slip  of  paper  on  which 
these  words  were  written  in  pencil,  — 

"  Don't  punish  the  boy,  Paul,  for  my  sake. 

G.  G." 

After  reading  this  pardon,  as  it  may  be  termed,  I  quietly 
dismissed  Fred  to  bed,  but  resolved  to  have  a  talk  with 
Gregory  concerning  the  matter. 

Fred  has  written  a  letter  to  his  friend  George  Groat. 
He  brought  it  to  me  for  correction,  but  I  told  him  it  re 
quired  none,  and  I  trust,  the  public  -will  agree  with  me. 

"  Down  in  the  Valley,  Allen-Dale  Lodge,  July  25th. 
"DEAR  FRIEND  GEORGET,  —  I  have  been  home  now 
three  days,  and  suppose  you  'd  like  to  hear  from  me  by  this 
time.  I  have  a  pony,  —  my  uncle  Gregory  gave  him  to 
me,  —  his  color  is  white,  and  he  has  a  long  tail  and  silky 
mane,  which  I  ride  every  day.  I  don't  mean  the  mane,  but 
the  pony  ;  though  sometimes,  when  he  goes  fast,  I  hold  on 
so  tight  around  his  neck  that  our  Nancy  —  that's  aunt 
Kate's  little  black  girl  —  says  I  use  his  mane  for  a  cushion, 
but  she  don't  know  much  about  riding.  The  pony  is  what 
uncle  Gregory  calls  a  '  racker ' ;  and  I  tell  you,  when  he 's 
coming  home  from  a  long  ride,  just  before  feeding-time,  he 
almost  racks  me  to  pieces  ;  and  I  guess  I  burn  and  smart 


202  DOWN  JN  THE  VALLEY. 

about  as  much  as  you  did  when  you  sat  right  down  on  that 
bunch  of  fire-crackers,  fourth  of  July. 

"  I  seen  little  Billy  Testy  once  since  I  came  home,  and 
his  uncle  did  n't  give  him  a  live  pony,  only  a  rocking-horse, 
which  he  keeps  up  in  his  mother's  garret.  He  was  so  mad 
when  I  showed  him  my  pony  that  he  cussed  dreadful,  and 
said  he  'd  go  right  straight  home  and  cut  off  his  horse's 
tail,  and  I  guess  he  did,  he  was  so  mad. 

"  Now  you  must  answer  this  letter  right  away,  and  tell 
me  what  you  got. 

"  Your  dutiful  friend, 

«  FEED." 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  203 


IV. 

"THE    GOLDEN-RULE  SOCIET-Y;"   THEIR  DOINGS.  —  SOUP 

AND  SOAP  TICKETS. THE  ESQUIMAUX.  —  INSULT  TO 

GREGORY.  —  LILLY  WHITE.  —  A  LITERARY  TEA-FIGHT. 
NANCY. — MRS.  AXSEY.  —  FRED'S  ANNOYANCES  ;  SKETCH 
OF  HIS  LIFE.  —  ARTISTICAL  CRITICISM. 

COUSIN  KATE  is  "  First  Directress  "  of  a  sewing 
society,  instituted  some  years  since,  down  in  the 
valley.  The  society  is  known  under  several  dis 
tinct  appellations.  The  members  themselves  speak  of  it  as 
the  "  Golden-Rule  Society."  Gregory  Grumm  calls  it  the 
"  Gossipery,"  while  I  term  it  the  "  Quackery."  A  good 
many  bright  plans,  of  which  the  world  has  heard  and  ulti 
mately  seen  carried  out,  have  originated  in  said  society. 
Numberless  secrets  of  great  importance  were  in  possession 
of  its  members  long  before  the  newspaper  reporters  got 
hold  of  them.  The  submarine  telegraph  was  first  sug 
gested  and  talked  about  in  this  society.  Crinoline  and 
hoops  were  in  use  among  the  sisterhood  several  months  be 
fore  the  Empress  of  all  the  French  took  to  wearing  them. 
The  comet  which  it  was  predicted  would  destroy  the  world 
in  June,  was  foretold  by  the  knowing  ones  of  the  "  Golden 
Rule  "  full  two  years  previous,  —  though  they  were  divided 
in  their  opinions  as  to  whether  it  would  strike  the  earth 
this  year  or  next.  Both  sides  agreed,  however,  in  saying 
that,  sooner  or  later,  our  planet  would  be  used  up  in  this 
particular  way. 

As  to  affairs  of  a  trifling  nature  and  purely  of  a  private 
character,  which  actually  are  of  no  account  to  any  one  save 
the  actors  themselves,  that  sometimes  have  occurred  even 


204  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

in  the  best-regulated  families,  down  in  the  valley,  and  over 
which  it  were  to  be  hoped  that  charity  would  have  covered 
its  cloak,  they  have  canvassed  and  investigated  in  secret 
sittings,  with  a  zeal  and  perseverance  worthy  of  a  better 
cause.  Still  the  society  has  accomplished  some  good  things. 
During  a  late  severe  winter,  soup-tickets  were  "  all  the  go," 
and  many  mouths,  which  otherwise  would  have  gone  sup- 
perless  to  bed,  were  daily  fed  by  the  society.  The  follow 
ing  summer,  soap-tickets  —  that  were  exchanged  every 
Saturday  for  a  tin  cup  filled  with  soft  soap  —  were  given 
out  to  every  man,  woman,  and  child  dirty  enough  to  require 
them.  At  present  the  society  is  engaged  in  doing  some 
thing  for  the  amelioration  of  the  Esquimaux,  providing 
them  with  silver  forks  and  napkin-rings. 

My  friend  Gregory  says  that  the  Esquimaux  business 
will  not  result  in  any  good,  for  that  the  race  can  never  be 
taught  the  decencies  of  life,  let  alone  its  refinements.  The 
distribution  of  soap-tickets,  he  thinks,  was  the  best  thing 
the  gossipers  ever  engaged  in,  and  if  they  had  not  insulted 
him  he  would  have  given  them  five  hundred  dollars  to  have 
kept  the  affair  going ;  "  but,  three  thousand  comets  fly 
away  with  them ! "  he  said  one  day  to  me,  "  they  had  the 
impudence  to  send  me  a  dozen  of  their  vile  tickets,  accom 
panied  with  the  hope  that  I  would  make  a  good  use  of  them, 
and  thereby  encourage  the  society.  I  returned  them  with 
my  compliments,  and  told  them  to  distribute  the  same 
among  themselves.  I  thought  until  lately,"  he  continued, 
"  that  it  was  to  Miss  Kate  I  was  indebted  for  this  mark  of 
attention  ;  but  1  now  believe  that  Lilly  White,  from  New 
York,  who  is  visiting  the  Barkers,  was  at  the  bottom  of 
the  affair,  because  she  looks  at  me  so  impertinently  when 
ever  we  meet,  through  her  miniature  eye-glass,  as  if,  for  all 
the  world,  she  was  hunting  for  grease-spots  or  tobacco- 
stains  on  me.  Fifty-five  thousand  katydids  trample  her  to 
death ! "  and  Gregory  Grumm  polished  away  at  the  bald 
spot  on  his  head,  with  his  red  handkerchief,  till  it  looked 
like  an  orange. 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  205 

The  "  Quackery  "  went  out  to  tea  a  few  afternoons  since. 
The  "  tea-fight,"  as  Gregory  terms  it,  came  off  at  Allen- 
Dale,  under  the  especial  patronage  of  cousin  Kate,  who, 
taking  advantage  of  my  absence  from  home  on  a  fishing 
excursion,  invited  the  members  to  meet  her  over  a  sociable 
cup  of  young  hyson.  According  to  Kate's  account  of  the 
same,  it  was  a  delightful  affair,  and  exceedingly  agreeable 
to  those  engaged  in  it.  Nancy;  cousin  Kate's  little  black 
girl,  told  Fred  that  she  had  a  "  piping  time,"  and  that  she 
"  'joyed  the  'streme  felicity  of  trying  on  lots  of  beautiful 
hats  all  covered  with  red  and  blue  flowers,  and  lace ;  and 
eight  or  nine  black  bonnets,  besides  old  Miss  Axsey's 
calash  ;  and  that  green  thing,"  said  Nancy,  waving  her 
head  from  side  to  side,  "just  suited  me  the  very  best  of 
all." 

The  library,  which  heretofore  has  be'en  considered  rather 
as  tabooed  ground  to  the  members  of  the  Golden-Rule 
Society,  became  on  this  occasion  the  scene  of  their  fes 
tivity.  The  tea-table  was  set  within  its  sacred  precincts. 
This  was  a  strange  innovation  on  cousin  Kate's  part,  and 
one  of  which  I  in  no  way  approve.  It  doubtless  was  a 
source  of  very  great  pleasure  —  this  taking  tea  in  the 
library  —  to  the  assembly,  and  gave  a  sort  of  literary  air 
to  the  entertainment,  which  it  would  not  otherwise  have 
possessed.  I  dare  say  every  woman  present  considered 
herself  a  "  blue-stocking "  for  the  time  being,  and  even 
put  on  a  literary  look  when  she  returned  home.  But  the 
next  time  I  go  on  a  fishing  excursion  I  shall  carry  with  me 
the  key  of  that  apartment.  Not  a  book,  of  the  whole  two 
thousand  volumes,  could  I  find,  on  my  return,  in  its  proper 
place.  Several  manuscript  sheets  of  an  address,  to  be 
delivered  by  me  next  January  before  the  Antiquarian 
Association,  were  missing  ;  two  separate  poems,  half  fin 
ished,  were  gone  ;  and  some  memoranda  of  very  important 
matters  pertaining  to  the  Historical  Society  had  also  dis 
appeared.  A  sermon  that  I  had  lately  written  for  our 


20C  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

rector,  to  be  given  him  some  day  when  I  might  desire  his 
company  to  go  with  me  a-trouting,  and  he  should  refuse 
under  the  plea  of  having  a  discourse  to  write,  was  carried 
off  by  old  Mrs.  Axsey,  who,  however,  returned  it  to  me 
to-day,  with  the  remark  that  it  was  amazing  like  some 
sermons  her  dear  minister  preached,  and  she  should  n't 
wonder  a  bit  if  he  had  written  it.  I  suggested  that  possibly 
the  style  was  similar.  "  Oh,  yes,"  she  said,  "  the  style  is 
very  precisely  similar  and  likewise  the  fashion." 

Fred  —  who,  by  the  by,  is  getting  to  be  a  good  deal  of 
a  dandy,  and  has  lately  taken  to  wearing  tight  boots  — 
possesses  a  pair  of  patent-leathers,  with  red  morocco  tops, 
which  show  plainly  beneath  the  bottom  of  his  pantaloons, 
and  cause  Kate's  old  lady  friends,  who  are  somewhat  dim- 
sighted,  to  ask  him  if  he  be  troubled  with  rheumatism  that 
he  wears  red  flannel  around  his  ankles.  This,  of  course, 
annoys  our  young  gentleman  exceedingly,  though  he  re 
tains  his  good-humor  wonderfully  well  under  the  provoca 
tion. 

To-day,  during  Mrs.  Axsey's  call,  Fred  —  who,  at  her 
especial  request,  had  shown  the  tops  of  his  boots,  which 
were  duly  admired  by  the  old  lady,  who  put  on  her  specta 
cles  to  obtain  a  better  view  of  them  —  was  asked  by  her 
if  he  "  ever  expected  to  be  a  Frenchifer,  and  wear  miling- 
tary  rappings." 

He  replied  that  he  guessed  not,  but  he  had  an  old 
wrapper  up-stairs,  which  he  sometimes  wore  when  sick. 

"  She  did  n't  mean  none  of  them  things,",  she  said  ;  "  bu 
red  stripes  down  the  trousers,  and  feathers  and  war." 

Thereupon  Fred  thought  that  very  likely  he  should,  one 
of  these  days. 

On  hearing  which,  the  old  lady  wrung  her  hands  and 
said,  "  that  sogers  was  dreadful,  but  battles,  and  widders, 
and  orfins  was  dreadfuller." 

Fred's  spirit  being  up  by  this  time,  he  proceeded  to  give 
the  old  lady  a  brief  sketch  of  his  future  life.  He  was 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  207 

going,  he  told  her,  in  the  course  of  a  few  years,  to  "West 
Point,  to  become  a  soldier ;  and  that  afterwards  he  should 
go  to  battle  and  get  wounded,  and  have  a  cork-leg,  and  a 
pension,  and  be  called  Colonel ;  and  at  last,  live  in  a  little 
cottage,  all  alone  by  himself,  close  on  the  river's  bank, 
where  he  would  keep  a  sail-boat,  and  go  a-fishing  every 
day,  and  catch  eels  and  cat-fish. 

The  worthy  matron  was  quite  horrified,  and  said  she 
had  always  told  her  "  darters  "  that  Fred  would  make  a 
perfect  Juan  Blue-Beard,  and  now  she  knew  it.  She  was 
afraid  he  'd  be  a  tremendous  fellow. 

I  relieved  Mrs.  Axsey  greatly  by  saying  that  Fred  was 
a  good  deal  of  a  braggart,  and  promised  more  than  he 
performed. 

She  thought  that  was  bad  enough,  and  reckoned  she 
would  tell  the  minister  about  it,  and  have  him  talk  serious- 
like  with  the  boy. 

Before  she  took  her  departure,  Fred  told  her  that  he 
was  an  artist  now,  and  painted  pictures,  and  showed  her 
a  portrait  of  Nancy,  the  black  girl,  which  he  had  just  com 
pleted. 

She  looked  at  it  critically,  and  then  said  that  it  was  a 
first-rate  likeness,  especially  the  color,  and  the  curly  hair, 
and  the  gold  beads  around  her  neck;  and  that  one  of 
these  days  she  guessed  she  'd  let  him  take  hers. 

Fred  promised  to  do  it,  and  said  he  would  paint  her  in  a 
blue  dress,  and  with  green  ribbons  on  her  cap  ;  which 
very  much  delighted  the  old  lady,  so  that  she  went  away 
very  happy,  and  promising  to  call  again. 

While  I  was  absent  on  my  fishing  excursion,  up  in  the 
Adirondacks,  Gregory  Grumm  —  who  had  refused  to  ac 
company  me,  under  the  plea  that  he  never  cared  to  leave 
home,  and,  besides,  he  wished  to  stay  and  see  about  his 
peach-crop  —  took  a  trip  to  Newport.  It  was  full  twenty 
years  since  Gregory  had  last  visited  that  celebrated  water 
ing-place.  Everything  about  it  had  changed  in  the  interim. 


208  DVWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

The  hotels  had  changed ;  the  class  of  visitors  had  changed  ; 
and  it  appeared  to  him  even  that  the  ocean  itself  had 
changed,  and  neither  rolled  its  billows  as  high,  nor  broke 
with  as  loud  a  crash  on  the  beach  as  formerly.  Gregory 
thought,  too,  that  possibly  he  had  himself  changed,  —  that 
he  was  no  longer  the  buck  of  yore,  but  had  become  one 
of  the  solid  men  of  the  country.  He  had  a  good  deal  to 
say  about  the  company  there  assembled.  The  young 
ladies  he  designated  as  flirts,  the  young  men,  dandies,  and 
the  old  ladies,  dowagers.  Such  dreadful  dissipation  and 
frightful  flirtations  as  he  witnessed  were  truly  appalling, 
though,  according  to  his  own  account,  he  appears  to  have 
kept  pace  with  the  liveliest  individual  there,  and  smoked, 
sailed,  fished,  bathed,  bowled,  danced,  and  flirted.  At 
Kate's  request  he  did  up  in  rhyme  an  account,  which  I 
give  below,  of  his  sojourn 

AT  NEWPORT. 

I  visited  Newport,  I  danced  at  its  balls, 

I  smoked  in  its  bar-rooms  and  lounged  through  its  halls  ; 

I  bathed  in  the  ocean,  and  drove  on  the  beach 

With  Mary  and  Fanny,  and  flirted  with  each. 

I  bowled  in  the  alleys  until  I  was  lame, 

My  hands  full  of  blisters,  my  heart  in  a  flame  ; 

And  though  I  played  better  than  eight  out  of  nine, 

Yet  lost  I  my  wager  —  a  bottle  of  wine. 

I  went  to  the  ball-room  and  danced  with  Miss  Gay, 

I  polked  and  I  lancered  the  night-time  away  ; 

We  ate  a  light  supper,  by  way  of  a  lunch,  — 

Some  lobster,  broiled  chickens,  ice-cream,  cake,  and  punch,  — 

Then,  grown  confidential,  we  slipped  out  of  sight, 

And  behind  a  silk  curtain  looked  out  on  the  night ; 

There  we  talked  about  cables  and  oysters  and  pearls, 

Till  I  wondered  what  cable  drew  me  to  the  girls. 

I  walked  the  piazzas  till  late  in  the  night, 
And  quoted  the  poets  to  fair  Lilly  White, 
From  Bryant  the  noble,  and  Halleck  the  grand, 
From  fun-loving  Saxe,  and  Holmes  genial  and  bland ; 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  209 

From  Morris  and  Willis  sweet  verses  I  pressed, 
Then  asked  of  ray  charmer  which  loved  she  the  best. 
But  Lilly,  who  lives  up  in  Madison  Square, 
Said  her  favorite  poet  wrote  "  Nothing  to  Wear." 

I  sailed  in  a  yacht  with  the  daring  Miss  Dash ; 

Her  governor  dying  left  plenty  of  cash, 

Which  she  is  investing  in  bonnets  and  lace, 

And,  'twixt  us,  she  needs  them  to  set  off  her  face. 

She  drank  with  the  skipper  until  he  got  blue, 

Then  seized  on  the  tiller,  and  seaward  we  flew, 

With  the  wind  on  our  lee,  and  studding-sails  set ; 

"By  Neptune  !  "  she  shouted,  "  I  guess  we  '11  get  wet." 

I  hastened  from  Newport  with  grief  at  my  heart ; 

I  sought  there  for  Nature,  but  found  only  Art ; 

Yet  the  ladies,  though  artful  and  dealing  in  paint, 

At  sight  of  an  artist  seemed  ready  to  faint. 

But  flattered  young  Slimlegs,  who  drives  a  fast  mare, 

Has  plenty  of  money  and  plenty  of  hair ; 

While  the  only  man  there  who  had  brains  in  his  head, 

They  as  fully  ignored  him  as  if  he  were  dead. 

Then  I  said  to  myself,  while  I  sat  in  my  room, 
Smoking,  in  dressing-gown,  slippers,  and  gloom, 
"  That  fashions  and  follies  of  life  might  be  found 
At  Newport,  or  elsewhere,  if  there  they  abound." 
Which  struck  me  as  being  as  good  in  its  way 
As  anything  ever  Jack  Bunsby  could  say. 
And  by  way  of  a  clincher  I  added,  "  Through  life 
To  Newport  I  '11  go  for  a  flirt,  not  a  wife." 

14 


210  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 


V. 


KATE    AND    I    AT    BREAKFAST. WHAT    SENT   GREGORY  TO 

NEWPORT. LILLY    WHITE;    HER    FIRST    VISIT. THE 

GOLDEN  RULE.  THE    BARKERS. A    MYSTERIOUS  AD 
VERTISEMENT.  —  GREGORY     GOES     TO      NEW    YORK.  — 

POMPEY. — GREGORY'S  NOTE. KING  SOLOMON. FRED'S 

LETTER. 

r  ATE,"  I  said,  one  morning  at  the  breakfast-table, 
to  my  cousin,  who  occupied  her  usual  place  oppo 
site  me,  "  I  have  been  wondering  what  it  was  that 
induced  our  friend  Gregory  Grumm  to  visit  Newport.  At 
the  time  I  left  him,  to  go  to  the  Adirondacks,  I  am  positive 
that  he  had  no  intention  of  visiting  Newport.  Something 
—  and  that,  too,  of  great  moment  —  must  have  occurred 
to  make  him  desert  '  The  Hemlocks,'  and  travel  off  in  the 
way  he  did.  You  may  depend  upon  it,  Gregory  had  some 
object  in  going  to  Newport ;  he  never  does  anything  with 
out  a  purpose,  but  what  it  was  I  cannot  imagine.  Can 
you?  ' 

Kate  said  that  she  thought  she  could  unravel  the 
mystery.  "  You  have  heard  of  Lilly  White  ?  "  she  con 
tinued. 

"  Yes,"  I  replied ;  "  I  met  her  some  time  since  at  the 
Barkers',  where  I  called  with  Gregory,  who  had  business 
with  Barker  himself.  A  pretty  girl,  magnificent  in  hoops 
'and  flounces,  but,  it  seemed  to  me,  possessing  no  great 
amount  of  intellect.  But  what  has  she  to  do  with  Greg 
ory's  going  to  Newport  ?  " 

"  A  great  deal,  I  imagine,"  she  answered.  "  But  before 
I  further  explain,  let  me  ask  if  you  have  noticed  the  in- 


DOWN  IN  THE    VALLEY.  211 

creased  care  your  friend  has  of  late  taken  with  his  attire  ; 
how  much  '  sprucer '  —  to  use  an  effective  word  —  he  is 
than  he  was  formerly  ?  " 

"  Indeed  I  have,"  I  answered,  "  and  have  drawn  there 
from  certain  conclusions,  which  may  or  may  not  be  correct. 
You  know  I  spoke  to  you  concerning  this  improvement,  full 
a  year  ago,  about  the  time  I  informed  him  of  the  amount 
of  your  fortune." 

"  Well,  never  mind  about  my  fortune  now,  Paul,"  replied 
Kate,  somewhat  disconcerted,  I  thought,  by  the  remark; 
"  though,  as  your  memory  is  so  good,  perhaps  you  may 
remember  also  that  a  year  ago  Miss  Lilly  White  paid  her 
first  visit  to  us  dwellers  down  in  the  valley." 

I  nodded  affirmatively. 

u  You  are  aware,  too,  that  she  was  here  when  you  de 
parted  on  your  fishing  excursion  ?  " 

I  nodded  again. 

"  But  you  do  not  know  that  from  here  she  went  to  New 
port;  and  that  on  the  day  following  her  departure,  Mr. 
Grumm  also  went  to  Newport ;  and  that  from  there  he 
accompanied  her  to  New  York  ;  and  that  he  has,  since  his 
return  home,  written  to  and  received  from  her  a  letter." 

Of  course  I  did  not  know  any  of  these  matters,  nor  did 
I  believe  them  ;  and  I  told  Kate  it  was  nonsense,  and  that 
I  knew  Gregory  well  enough  to  declare  he  would  not  be 
such  a  fool  as  to  make  love  to  Lilly  White. 

"  But  he  is  such  a  fool,"  said  Kate  ;  and  I  thought  she 
spoke  the  same  with  considerable  feeling. 

"  How,  Kate,"  I  asked,  "  did  you,  who  seldom  indulge  i 
uttering  aught  so  nearly  approaching  to  gossip,  discover  ah 
this  ? " 

"  Why,"  and  Kate  blushed,  "  it  was  talked  about  at  the 
sewing  society  last  evening.  Miss  Smythe,  the  postmaster's 
sister,  who  often  assists  in  making  up  and  distributing  the 
mails,  saw  the  letters  alluded  to  —  at  least  their  envelopes  ; 
so  that  you  must  allow  that  my  information  on  that  point  is 


212  DOWN  LV  THE  VALLEY. 

correct.  Then,  too,  the  Barkers  themselves  openly  refer 
to  the  fact  of  his  visiting  their  house  every  day  during 
Miss  White's  stay  there.  And  even  now  he  goes  there 
three  times  a  week,  to  talk  with  Jane  Barker  about  Miss 
Lilly.  There,  also,  are  those  verses,  relating  to  Newport, 
in  which  he  introduces  the  name  of  Lilly  White,  which 
mention,  though  certainly  not  flattering  to  her,  was  made 
simply  to  blind  me,  as  well  as  others  to  whom  I  might 
show  the  verses,  (probably  he  thought  I  would  read  them 
aloud  before  the  '  Golden  Rule,')  to  the  fact  that  he  is 
smitten  with  her.  Ah !  I  can  see  that  he  is  a  planner." 

"  Well,  really,"  I  remarked,  as  Kate  concluded,  •'  it  seems 
to  me  as  if  there  were  something  in  all  this  besides  foolish 
gossip.  I  must  have  a  talk  with  Gregory  about  it,  and  if 
he  is  in  love  with  Lilly  White,  why,  I  will  argue  him  out 
of  it." 

On  looking  over  the  morning  paper  from  New  York,  that 
arrived  shortly  after  breakfast,  my  eyes  fell  on  the  follow 
ing  advertisement,  which  immediately  arrested  my  atten 
tion  :  — 

"  PERSONAL. 

"  If  the  gentleman  —  the  initials  of  whose  name  are 
G.  G.  —  who  corresponded  while  at  Newport,  in  relation  to 
a  young  lady,  with  C.  O'C.,  will  send  to  the  latter  his  pres 
ent  address,  he  will  learn  all  of  which  he  heretofore  has 
been  desirous  but  unable  to  ascertain." 

That  this  referred  to  my  friend  Gregory,  and,  probably 
to  Lilly  White,  I  had  no  doubt,  but  it  served  only  to  excite 
my  curiosity  without  in  the  least  satisfying  it.  Can  it  be 
possible,  I  thought,  that  Gregory  has  been  making  inqui 
ries  of  some  one  in  New  York,  regarding  Lilly  White  and 
her  fortune.  Such  a  thing  seemed  utterly  improbable,  and 
yet,  under  the  circumstances,  I  could  not  come  to  any  other 
conclusion.  Just  before  noon  I  ordered  Fred's  pony  to 
the  door,  and  drove  over  to  "  The  Hemlocks,''  to  see  my 
old  friend. 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  213 

To  my  surprise,  I  found  Pompey,  Gregory's  only  servant, 
alone  on  the  premises.  His  master,  so  he  informed  me, 
had  left  for  New  York  in  the  eleven-o'clock  train,  saying 
it  was  uncertain  on  what  day  he  might  return.  Pompey 
believed  that  "  Massa  Grumm  "  had  left  a  note  for  me  on 
his  desk,  which  he  departed  to  get.  While  he  was  gone,  I 
took  up  a  copy  of  the  newspaper  in  which  I  had  read  the 
advertisement,  arid  my  eyes  naturally  turned  to  the  column 
wherein  it  had  appeared.  The  advertisement,  however,  had 
been  cut  from  the  sheet,  and  doubtless  was  in  Gregory's 
wallet. 

I  trusted  that  the  note  would  so  far  explain  the  matter 
as  to  relieve  me  of  my  suspicions ;  but  it  was  most  unsatis 
factory,  and  ran  thus :  — 

"The  Hemlocks,  Monday,  A.  M. 

"  DEAR  PAUL,  —  Business  of  importance  takes  me  un 
expectedly  to  the  city.  If  I  should  not  return  by  Saturday 
afternoon,  I  will  drop  you  a  line  ;  but  you  know  my  aver 
sion  to  letter-writing;  so  that,  after  all,  you  need  not  be 
alarmed  if  you  do  not  hear  from  me  under  a  fortnight 
Present  my  kind  regards  to  Fred  when  you  write  to  him, 
and  believe  me, 

"Yours,  hastily,  G.  G." 

In  place  of  Fred's  name,  Kate's  had  at  first  been  written, 
but  was  erased,  and  the  other  substituted. 

I  questioned  Pompey  as  to  his  knowledge  of  the  affair 
but  he  could  only  tell  me  that  his  master,  while  at  break 
fast,  reading  the  paper,  had  spilt  his  coffee,  upset  his  chair 
and,  rising  suddenly  from  the  table,  went  up  to  his  chamber, 
where  he  had  Pompey  pack  his  carpet-bag,  and  then,  after 
dressing  himself  in  a  new  suit  he  brought  from  the  city, 
made  the  servant  drive  him  to  the  cars.  "  He  appeared  to 
be  a  good  deal  excited,"  continued  Pompey,  "  and  asked 
me,  as  we  rode  along,  what  I  would  do  if  I  had  a  mistress, 


214  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

and  if  I  had  ever  read  what  Solomon  wrote  about  the  lilies 
of  the  valley."  And  Pompey  laughed  and  winked  his  eye 
at  me,  as  much  as  to  say  that  he  knew  a  good  deal  of  some 
thing,  but  was  bound  to  keep  dark. 

So  I  returned  to  Allen-Dale,  as  unsatisfied  with  all  that 
related  to  Gregory  as  though  I  had  not  stirred  from  the 
house.  Time  will,  doubtless,  clear  up  the  mystery. 

Fred  returned  to  school  after  passing  two  weeks  at  home, 
during  which  time  the  young  scapegrace  enjoyed  himsel 
very  much,  —  played  all  manner  of  tricks  on  Gregory  ; 
teased  cousin  Kate  till  she  lost  all  patience  with  him  ;  and 
frightened  Nancy,  the  little  black  girl,  half  to  death,  by 
personating,  with  a  mask  and  sheet,  a  ghost.  Since  he 
reached  school,  I  have  received  from  him  the  following 
letter :  — 

"Prospect  Hill  School,  August  1st,  1857. 
"  DEAR  FATHER,  —  I  got  here  just  in  time  to  see  old 
Ferule  whip  Georgy  Groat  for  robbing  Squire  Justy's 
muskmelon  patch.  He  did  it  in  the  night-time,  and  got 
ten  of  them,  besides  four  pumpkins,  which  he  thought  were 
watermelons.  He  got  up  when  all  the  boys  was  in  bed, 
and  took  his  pillow-case  from  the  pillow,  and  went  down 
stairs,  and  out-doors,  and  climbed  the  fence,  and  got  'em  iu 
it.  He  put  them  under  his  bed,  and  did  n't  let  the  other 
boys  know  it ;  but  Charley  Berry  he  smelt  'em,  and  told 
the  rest  of  the  fellows,  and  they  got  'em  and  ate  'em. 
Georgy  Groat  cried  about  it,  and  so  old  Ferule  found  it 
out.  When  I  saw  him  whip  Georgy,  it  made  me  real  home 
sick,  for  I  did  n't  know  but  my  turn  would  come  next. 
Can't  I  come  home  again  soon  ?  I  'm  afraid  my  pony  will 
not  be  taken  good  care  of  unless  I  am  there.  Mr.  Penfield 
has  got  his  new  wife  h'ere,  and  John  Growsy  says  she 's  a 
'  regular  ginger-top,'  though  what  that  is  I  don't  know  ;  but 
she  has  curls  and  a  beautiful  green-and-red-striped  silk 
dress.  Give  my  love  to  Uncle  Gregory  and  Cousin  Kate, 


DOWN  IN   THE   VALLEY.  215 

and  don't  forget  to  send  me  a  dollar  every  week,  as  you 
promised. 

"  Your  faithful  son,  FRED. 

"  P.  S.  —  Tell  Nancy  I  'm  going  to  bring  her,  when  I 
come  home  again,  autographs  of  all  the  boys  and  teachers 
in  the  school.  F." 


216  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY 


VI. 

KATE    ON    LOVERS. A    LETTER. A    MILLINER'S    BILL. 

A      NEW     HAT.  AT      CHURCH.  THE      SERMON;     ITS 

APPLICABILITY.  —  TURNING    THE    TABLES. HAIR-DYE 

AND    WIGS. DISCRETION. CHANGING    THE    SUBJECT. 

"  DOWN    IN    THE    VALLEY." 

,ORE  than  a  week  has  gone  by  since  Gregory's 
departure  from  "  The  Hemlocks,"  and  as  yet  I 
have  heard  not  a  word  concerning  him. 

"  It  is  very  strange,"  I  said  to  Kate,  one  evening,  as  we 
sat  together  on  the  piazza,  "  that  Gregory  should  have  gone 
away  in  the  manner  he  did,  without  so  much  as  telling  me 
a  word  of  the  matter  about  which  he  went." 

"  It  is  very  strange,"  replied  Kate  ;  "  but,  nevertheless,  I 
have  noticed  that  when  men  of  your  friend  Gregory's  age 
become  lovers,  they  are  apt  to  commit  every  sort  of  extrav 
agance." 

"  Yes,"  I  answered,  "  if  they  be  bachelors." 

"  Widowers  are  no  wiser,"  said  Kate,  "  and  are  as  prone 
to  conduct  themselves  like  boys  of  fifteen  as  though  they 
had  never  been  married." 

This,  however,  I  stoutly  denied,  and  asked  Kate  if  she 
ad  ever  seen  me  behave  in  such  an  unseemly  manner. 

Kate  thought  she  had,  and  was  proceeding  to  state  the 
when  and  where  she  had  thus  seen  me,  when  I  told  her 
that  I  would  waive  the  further  discussion  of  the  subject ; 
and  then,  as  the  dew  was  beginning  to  fall,  we  entered  the 
house. 

Shortly  after  Gregory's  departure  Kate  received  a  letter 
from  New  York,  the  superscription  of  which  so  nearly  re- 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  217 

sembled  Gregory's  handwriting,  I  could  have  affirmed  in  a 
court  of  justice  that  he  had  written  it.  Even  Kate,  I  know 
thought  it  came  from  Gregory ;  for,  when  I  handed  it  to 
her,  she  blushed  and  broke  the  seal,  I  thought,  with  trem 
bling  fingers  :  but  when  a  milliner's  bill  dropped  out,  while 
she  was  opening  it,  her  self-possession  returned,  and  I  im 
mediately  turned,  disappointed,  away,  without  asking  a 
single  question ;  for  I  was  well  assured  that  no  milliner's 
account  would  ever  find  a  place  in  any  of  Gregory's  epis 
tles. 

I  deemed  it  a  little  singular,  however,  that,  from  the  day 
this  letter  reached  Kate,  she  —  who,  ever  since  Gregory's 
departure,  had  appeared  to  me  to  be  slightly  inclined  to 
melancholy  —  should  directly  have  recovered  her  usual 
cheerfulness.  Whether  a  new  hat,  in  which  she  made  her 
appearance  at  church  on  the  following  Sunday,  had  aught 
to  do  with  her  recovery,  I  cannot  positively  assert ;  but  I 
shrewdly  imagine  it  had. 

Cousin  Kate  and  I  have  dwelt  together,  down  in  the  val 
ley,  for  many  years,  very  happily,  and  this  was  the  first  oc 
currence  wherein  I  had  noticed  any  signs  of  vanity  in  her  ; 
but  it  was  very  evident  to  me  that  Kate  was  wonderfully 
pleased  with  her  new  hat,  and  was  desirous  of  displaying 
it  to  the  best  advantage. 

Fortunately  for  Kate,  Sunday  was  a  most  auspicious  day 
for  her  "coming  out."  Everything  was  in  her  favor.  The 
weather  was  charming,  and  therefore  not  only  all  of  the 
congregation  were  present,  but  also  many  strangers.  The 
morning's  sermon,  too,  seemed  particularly  adapted  to  call 
the  attention  of  the  assembly  to  Kate's  hat,  although  she  — • 
with  that  inimitable  power  which  woman  possesses  of  hid 
ing  her  feelings  —  appeared  totally  unaware  of  its  appo- 
siteness.  The  worthy  clergyman  took  for  his  text  these 
words,  — "  Vanity  of  vanities,  saith  the  preacher ;  all  is 
vanity."  Among  other  truths  that  he  spoke,  he  said  that 
'*  vanity  was  innate  in  the  female  breast,  and  though  it 


218  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

might  lie  dormant  therein  for  years,  still  it  never  fully  died 
out.  The  germ  was  forever  there ;  and  when  one  was  the 
least  prepared  for  its  exhibition,  it  was  suddenly  shown  in 
some  piece  of  finery  —  perhaps  in  a  gay  ribbon,  an  elegant 
hat,  a  feather,  a  bit  of  lace,  a  costly  brocade,  or  the  daintiest 
of  gaiters.  Again,  it  might  be  seen  in  a  rounded  arm,  a 
careless  curl,  a  jewelled  hand,  or  a  tapering  ankle." 

More,  to  the  same  effect,  said  our  worthy  clergyman  ; 
but  Kate  sat  through  it  unmoved,  bowing  hert  stately  head, 
surmounted  by  the  new  hat,  approvingly  to  all  the  good 
man  uttered. 

As  we  walked  home,  I  asked  Kate  if  she  were  pleased 
with  the  sermon.  She  answered  that  she  was  ;  and  look 
ing  slyly  at  me,  "  Poor  fellow !  "  she  exclaimed,  "  how  sorry 
I  felt  for  you  when  the  rector  alluded  to  hair-dye  and  wigs, 
while  speaking  of  man's  vanity." 

Kate  certainly  is  a  very  wonderful  woman,  but  how  she 
discovered  that  I  wear  a  wig,  and  dye  my  whiskers,  I  can 
not  imagine.  I  have  taken  much  care  to  keep  these  two 
matters  secret,  for  the  reason,  simply,  that  I  did  not  wish 
to  have  ascribed  to  vanity  that  attention  to  my  appearance 
which,  in  fact,  only  arose  from  a  laudable  desire  on  my 
part  to  make  a  decent  appearance  in  society.  Of  course 
I  did  not  continue  a  conversation  which  had  taken  so  un 
fortunate  a  turn,  nor  say  aught  to  Ka"te  concerning  her  new 
hat,  which,  at  first,  had  been  my  intention.  Discretion,  as 
some  one  before  me,  I  believe,  has  wisely  remarked,  is  the 
better  part  of  valor.  Therefore  it  was  that  I  held  my 
peace,  and  in  silence  accompanied  my  cousin  Kate  back  to 
Allen- Dale. 

For  some  time  past,  Kate  has  been  desirous  for  me  to 
write  what  she  terms  a  poetical  description  of  Allen-Dale. 
Secretly,  therefore,  and  at  different  seasons,  I  have  endeav 
ored  to  comply  with  her  wishes.  On  this  identical  Sun 
day —  being  anxious  to  please  Kate,  and  perhaps  with  a 
view  of  having  her  forget,  and  say  nothing  more  to  me 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  219 

concerning  the  subject  of  her  above  remarks;  for,' to  con 
fess  the  truth,  I  am  not  altogether  pleased  with  the  idea 
that  age  is  laying  visible  hands  upon  me  —  I  finished,  and 
handed  to  her  during  the  afternoon,  the  lines  below,  en 
titled  — 

DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

Down  in  the  valley,  where  the  lilies  blow, 
Where  violets  bloom  and  china-asters  grow  ; 
Where  glide  clear  waters  o'er  a  pebbly  bed, 
Marked  in  their  course  by  sumach-berries  red  ; 
Where  rabbits  burrow,  and  where  foxes  hide, 
And  squirrels,  chattering,  leap  on  every  side  ; 
Where  graceful  elms  and  glistening  birches  rise,  — 
There  Allen-Dale  contents  the  passers'  eyes. 

A  gabled  mansion  built  of  undressed  stone, 

Just  as  't  was  quarried,  of  a  sober  tone, 

Though  few  of  those  who  pass  it  every  day 

Know  that  its  color  is  a  modest  gray  ; 

For,  wrapped  from  base  to  roof  in  clamb'ring  vines, 

Ivies  and  woodbines,  and  sweet  eglantines, 

So  little  of  the  lodge  itself  is  seen, 

That  slight  observers  oft  pronounce  it  green. 

Above  its  roof  a  dozen  chimneys  rise, 

From  which  the  smoke  curls  upwards  to  the  skies  ; 

An  ancient  weathercock,  grown  black  with  years, 

Upon  its  highest  gable's  point  appears ; 

Of  cunning  workmanship  and  quaint  device, 

An  Ethiopian  on  a  cake  of  ice. 

So  Gregory  says  ;  but  Cousin  Kate  declares 

It  is  a  poet  singing  Lydian  airs. 

Whiche'er  it  be,  it  constant  is  and  true  ; 
Summer  and  winter,  spring  and  autumn  too, 
Unmoved  it  stands  and  points,  from  May  to  May, 
To  where  "  the  course  of  empire  takes  its  way." 
The  wind  may  bluster,  and  around  it  rage ; 
North,  south,  and  east  a  vigorous  war  may  wage; 
But  it  defies  them  all  and  though  they  change, 
Its  face  from  western  skies  does  never  range. 


220  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

Within  the  house  is  many  a  pleasant  room, 
Which  holds  the  sunlight  and  keeps  out  the  gloom, 
Where  easy-chairs  and  lounges  soft  and  wide 
Are  placed  for  lazy  folks  on  every  side  ; 
And  here  and  there  are  cosy  little  nooks, 
Where  one  can  linger  over  work  or  books, 
Near  windows  diamond-paned  and  stained  with  care 
In  colors  that  subdue  the  noonday's  glare. 

A  broad,  deep  fireplace  within  the  hall, 
With  ruddy  blaze  —  from  early  in  the  fall, 
All  through  the  winter  —  gives  its  light  and  heat, 
To  please  the  sight  and  warm  the  slippered  feet. 
Here  in  the  morning  first,  and  last  at  night, 
The  household  gathers  in  each  other's  sight, 
To  hear  the  Bible  read  and  join  the  prayer 
That  asketh  God  to  keep  them  in  His  care. 

Here  too  the  morning  meal  is  duly  spread, 
And,  with  our  coffee,  are  the  papers  read 
Then  to  our  several  duties  we  depart, 
Each  with  a  willing  mind  and  cheerful  heart; 
And  when  the  day,  with  all  its  work,  is  done, 
And  sinks  beyond  the  hills  the  setting  sun, 
Once  more  we  meet,  and  by  the  blazing  light 
We  talk  or  read  aloud,  then  say  —  good-night. 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  221 


VII. 

NEWS    FROM    GREGOEY.  —  KATE    IN     LOVE. GREGORY'S 

DANGER;  HIS  LETTER. — AT  THE  "  ASTOR." — CITY-HALL 
CLOCK.  —  CHATHAM  STREET.  —  UP-STAIRS.  —  STRIPED 
PANTS.  —  LILLY  WHITE  ;  HER  FORTUNE.  —  A  HAPPY 
FAMILY. BRIEF  CANDLES.  —  MY  REMARKS. MY  LET 
TER. 

!  N  the  morning's  mail,  a  few  days  since,  a  letter  from 
Gregory  Grurnm  came  safely  to  hand.  I  was  very 
glad  to  hear  from  Gregory.  He  had  been  absent 
from  home  over  two  weeks,  and,  so  far  as  I  was  aware,  not 
a  syllable  had  been  received  by  any  one  dwelling  down  in 
the  valley  concerning  him.  I  had  not  thought  that  my  old 
friend  could  have  left  me  so  long  in  suspense  regarding 
his  movements  as  he  did.  He  would  have  been  terribly 
"  put  out "  with  me  if  I  had  done  the  like.  If  I  had  made 
arrangements  for  marrying  without  first  consulting  him,  he 
would  never  have  forgiven  me ;  but  he,  it  seems,  could  do 
all  this  without  mentioning  the  subject  to  either  Kate  or 
myself.  Kate,  brave  woman  that  she  is !  endeavors  to 
look  at  the  matter  in  a  cheerful  light,  and  laughs  and  jokes 
about  it,  though  I  really  think  her  heart  is  breaking.  For, 
strange  as  it  may  appear,  Kate,  as  I  have  every  reason  to 
believe,  loves  Gregory.  At  least,  she  did  love  him  before 
this  abominable  letter  was  received ;  but  if  he  is  to  be 
married,  why,  she  will  not,  nor  shall  not,  love  him  any 
more.  If  Kate  says  so,  I  will  bring  a  suit  against  him,  as 
her  next  friend,  for  breach  of  promise  ;  or,  if  it  please  her 
better,  I  '11  even  challenge  my  old  friend  to  fight  a  duel,  or 
else  he  must  make  an  apology.  Kate  shall  not  be  treated 
in  this  way  with  impunity.  But  to  Gregory's  letter :  — 


222  DOWN  IN   THE  VALLEY. 

"  New  York,  Aug.  18,  1857. 

Astor  House,  Room  No.  502. 

"DEAR  PAUL,  —  Here  am  I,  perched  half-way  between 
heaven  and  earth,  in  a  cage  six  by  nine,  or  thereabouts, 
having  a  circular  loophole,  through  which,  by  standing  tip 
toe  upon  my  carpet-bag,  I  can  see  the  City- Hall  clock,  and 
make  out  the  exact  time,  any  hour  of  the  day  or  night,  by 
the  aid  of  my  eye-glass :  this,  if  I  carried  with  me  no 
watch,  would  of  course  be  a  source  of  great  convenience. 
After  one  gets  up  here  it  is  all  very  well,  barring,  as  the 
Irishmen  say,  the  mosquitoes ;  and  that  reminds  me  that 
the  bars  of  the  mosquito-net,  which  I  purchased  yesterday  in 
Chatham  Street  of  an  Israelite,  are  so  wide  apart  that  the 
'  bloody  divils '  play  at  fox-and-goose  through  them  ;  and,  so 
far  as  regards  any  protection  it  affords  me  from  their  attacks, 
why,  I  might  as  well  cover  myself  with  a  fig-leaf.  After 
one  gets  up  here,  I  said,  it 's  very  well ;  but  the  getting  up 
plays  the  deuce  with  a  man  of  my  superfluity  of  flesh,  —  it 
puts  me  to  my  trumps,  I  assure  you.  I  have  a  white-jacketed 
rascal  to  precede  me,  whenever  I  make  the  ascent,  with  a 
tray  full  of  sherry-cobblers  and  other  cooling  drinks,  and  I 
take  one  or  more  of  them,  as  my  inclination  prompts,  at 
every  landing.  Fifty  thousand  glasses  of  soda-water  and 
hock,  however,  would  not  suffice  to  keep  down  the  perspira 
tion.  What  makes  the  ascent  more  tedious  to  me,  is  the 
fact  that,  having  been  obliged,  for  good  reasons,  to  discard 
my  favorite  nankeens,  I  foolishly  purchased,  of  some  one 
who  called  himself  a  very  fashionable  tailor,  no  less  than 
five  pair  of  striped  pantaloons,  and  each  pair,  bad  luck  to 
them  !  fits  me  tighter  than  a  drum-head,  which  makes  climb 
ing  up-stairs  in  them  something  awful.  What  in  the  name 
of  seventeen  zebras  induced  me  to  buy  so  many  striped 
pantaloons,  I  cannot  imagine.  It  must  have  been  after 
dinner  that  I  did  it.  I  shall  give  them  all  to  Pompey  on 
my  return  home.  This  naturally  brings  me  to  the  subject 


DOWN  IN   THE  VALLEY.  223 

of  my  leaving  home ;  and  you,  doubtless,  are  anxious  to 
know  what  brought  me  here.  Now  that,  Paul,  is  the  \ery 
question  I  've  asked  myself  every  day  since  I  have  been 
absent,  and  I  am  almost  inclined  to  think  that  I  came  here 
on  an  ignis  fatuus  expedition.  To  tell  the  truth,  I  am  as 
far  from  a  clear  understanding  of  the  case  as  you  are  your 
self.  I  have  written  to  her  about  it,  but  she  is  either  out 
of  town,  or  else  the  penny-post  is  most  miserably  con 
ducted.  I  think  the  latter  is  the  case,  and  wish  the  manager 
of  it  had  fifty  thousand  billet-doux  stuffed  into  his  panta 
loons'  pockets.  I  came  here  to  answer  an  advertisement. 
You  know  Lilly  White  ?  well,  she  is  at  the  bottom  of  the 
mischief,  though  how  it  will  end  Solomon  himself  would 
not  be  able  to  tell.  It  seems  frightful,  Paul,  frightful  for  a 
man  of  my  age  to  be  obliged  to  live  in  the  way  I  do,  having 
to  ascend  night  after  night  so  many  flights  of  stairs,  and  to 
dwell  in  such  a  state  of  anxiety  and  perplexity,  and  all  on 
that  young  flirt's  account.  Speaking  of  her  account,  I  find 
that  she  has  forty  thousand  dollars  invested  in  confounded 
Hudson  River  Railroad  stock,  and  as  much  more  in  Erie ; 
but  when  I  get  her  matters  into  my  own  hands,  I  '11  make  a 
change,  I  tell  you.  Of  course,  you  know  by  this  time,  Paul, 
that  I  have  come  to  regard  matrimony  from  your  point  of 
view,  and  to  believe  that  it  is  filled  with  all  manner  of 
pleasant  felicities,  and  that  its  infelicities  are  few  and  far 
between  ;  that,  in  short,  I  intend  to  be  married  ;  and  that  you 
may  interpose  no  objections  to  it,  I  will  promise  you  to  desert 
the  Hemlocks  —  sell  it,  my  dear  boy,  out  and  out,  and,  tak 
ing  my  bed  and  baggage,  go  over  to  Allen-Dale  and  live 
henceforth  with  you.  Five  hundred  wedding-rings,  Paul, 
what  jolly  times  we  will  have  !  What  a  happy  family  we 
shall  be  !  I  have  the  vanity  to  believe  that  Kate  will  be  far 
more  contented  with  life  when  she  possesses  a  companion 
than  she  has  ever  yet  been ;  while  you,  my  old  friend,  I 
know,  will  be  delighted  with  my  society.  Twenty-five  imps 
of  darkness  take  the  short  pieces  of  candles  one  gets  at 


224  DOWN  IN   THE  VALLEY. 

hotels !  Mine  is  just  nickering  in  the  socket ;  so  leaving 
unwritten  much  that  I  had  intended  to  write,  I  must,  per 
force,  bid  you  good-night. 

"  Yours,  in  the  dark, 

GREGORY  GKUMM." 

"  Gregory  may  have  been  in  the  dark,"  I  said  to  Kate, 
when  I  had  finished  reading  this  remarkable  epistle,  u  but 
he  has,  at  least,  fully  enlightened  me  as  to  his  proceedings." 
Kate  blushed.  "  The  coolness,"  I  continued,  "  with  which 
he  proposes  to  remove  to  Allen-Dale  with  his  Lilly  White 
wife  is,  I  think,  the  most  remarkable  feature  of  the  letter." 
Kate  stared  at  me.  "  And  the  reason  he  gives,  too,"  I 
went  on,  "  is  delicious.  He  thinks,  forsooth,  that  you  need 
a  companion,  and  that  you  will  be  more  contented  with  life 
if  Lilly  White,  or  rather  Lilly  Grumm,  be  that  companion." 
Here  Kate  lost  all  command  of  her  feelings,  and  laughed 
immoderately.  "  My  cousin  Kate,"  I  said,  soothingly,  tak 
ing  her  hand  ;  but  before  I  could  say  more  she  withdrew  it, 
and  went  hastily  from  the  room.  "  It  is  very  evident  to 
me,"  I  thought,  after  Kate's  exit,  "  that  she  is  unable  to 
control  her  feelings.  In  her  present  state  it  would  never 
do  for  Gregory  to  bring  hither  his  wife.  I  will  write  to 
him  immediately,  advising  him  to  remain  abroad  for 
a  while."  Therefore  I  sat  down  before  my  desk,  and  wrote 
as  follows :  — 

"Allen-Dale,  August  19^,  1857 

"  DEAR  OLD  BOY,  —  I  have  just  received  yours  of  yes 
terday,  and  I  confess  that  its  contents  quite  startled  me.  I 
had  no  idea  that  you  thought  of  marriage,  at  least  not  with 
the  person  of  whom  you  speak.  As  regards  your  removing 
to  Allen-Dale,  I  cannot  say  that,  at  present,  I  look  on  it  in 
a  favorable  light.  When  time  shall  have  assuaged  the 
feelings  which  exist  in  a  certain  quarter,  it  may  then  be 
considered  upon  ;  but  for  the  present,  if  you  have  any  regard 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  225 

for  me  or  Kate,  I  must  seriously  ask  you  to  remain  away. 
What  think  you,  old  fellow,  of  a  bridal  trip  to  Europe  ?  I 
understand  that  these  kind  of  things  are,  nowadays,  all  the 
go  with  newly  married  couples.  Let  me  hear  from  you 
again  before  the  affair  comes  to  a  point,  and  believe  me, 
ever,  through  weal  or  woe, 

"  Yours,  most  sincerely, 

"  PAUL." 
u 


226  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 


vm. 

MRS.  AXSET. —  GENEALOGICAL. —  A  SIGN. —  HER  PORTRAIT. 

A  HINT  FOR  GREGORY. HER   DECEASED  "  PARDNERS." 

SIMON      JONES.  MISTER     CLOVER.  OLD     AXSET.  — 

BALLOON. NUMBER  FOUR. GINGERBREAD. A  MYS 
TERIOUS    LADY. A    BABY.  —  LILLY    WHITE. 

[LD  Mrs.  Axsey  lately  passed  the  day  with  Kate. 
She  came  in  the  morning  before  breakfast,  and  re 
mained  till  after  sunset.  She  brought  with  her  a 
large  basket  of  stockings  that  required  darning,  and  busied 
herself  through  the  day  with  repairing  them.  She  declared, 
while  at  the  breakfast-table,  that  she  had  come  to  Allen- 
Dale  "  to  experience  a  season  of  rejoicing,  and,"  she  con 
tinued,  glancing  at  her  well-filled  plate,  "  I  believe  I  am 
experiencing  it." 

Mrs.  Axsey  is  a  notable  character  down  in  the  valley, 
and  a  very  important  personage  in  the  eyes  of  many  of  its 
ladies.  She  is  generally  the  first  one  to  welcome  little 
strangers  to  town,  and  is  proud  of  being  able  to  tell  the 
exact  number  of  pounds  which  each  child,  native  of  the 
valley,  for  twenty  years  past,  weighed  at  a  very  early  period 
of  its  existence.  Mrs.  Axsey  is  the  widow  of  three  hus 
bands.  Gregory  Grumm  terms  her  a  "  three-ply  widow 
dyed  in  the  wool."  After  the  death  of  her  third  "  pard- 
ner,"  being  left  in  destitute  circumstances,  with  a  large 
family  of  daughters  to  support,  she  entered  into  the  man- 
tua-making  business.  The  better  to  notify  the  public  of 
her  occupation,  she  ordered  a  sign  to  be  painted,  and  wrote 
the  lettering  for  the  same  on  a  slip  of  paper,  which  she 
sent  by  one  of  her  "  darters  "  to  the  painter,  with  strict  in- 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  227 

junctions  for  him  on  no  account  to  depart  from  the  copy. 
The  man  of  signs,  who  was  a  bit  of  a  wag,  and  loved  a 
joke,  followed  the  orthography  with  exactness,  so  that  the 
sign,  when  completed,  read,  in  gilt  letters,  much  to  the  sur 
prise  and  amusement  of  passers-by,  — 


MRS.    AXSET, 

MANTORMENTOR. 


Some  persons  —  Gregory  among  the  number — were 
even  wicked  enough  to  say  that  the  sign  told  the  entire 
truth,  as  the  ghosts  of  the  "  dear  departed,"  if  interrogated, 
would  testify.  Mrs.  Axsey's  mode  of  spelling  "  mantua- 
maker"  was  certainly  not  in  accordance  with  Webster's 
Unabridged. 

The  old  lady  inquired  particularly  concerning  Fred,  and 
said  she  was  sorry  that  he  had  returned  to  school,  as  she 
wanted  him  to  paint  her  "  picter,"  as  he  had  promised. 
"Would  he  come  home,  she  asked,  and  do  it  if  she  sent  him 
word  that  she  was  all  ready  ?  She  guessed  that  she  'd  be 
"  taken  off"  with  her  hair  in  curls,  and  without  cap  or 
spectacles.  It  looked  so  "  antykated  "  to  wear  them  ;  and 
though  she  was  a  lady  of  the  old  school,  yet  she  did  like, 
sometimes,  to  be  a  little  fashionable ;  and  when  a  body  has 
a  "  likeness  taken  off,"  she  thought  it  a  good  time  to  try 
and  be  somebody ;  and  for  one,  she  'd  like  for  her  "  pos 
teriors  "  to  see  just  what  she  was.  Kate  suggested  that  the 
word  posterity  was  more  appropriate  than  the  one  she  had 
chosen.  Well,  she  said,  it  might  be,  for  she  was  no  great 
hand  at  grammar  herself,  but  her  youngest  "  darter  "  was 
amazing  'cute  at  it.  Folks  laxighed  at  her  mistakes  a  good 
deal  sometimes,  she  continued ;  but,  for  her  part,  she 
guessed  she  knew  more  about  some  things  than  one  half 
the  people  did  who  had  so  much  "  book-larning." 

Mrs.  Axsey  had  much  to  say  about  Gregory,  and  asked 
many  questions  concerning  him.  She  'd  heard  tell  that  he 


228  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

was  going  \o  be  married  to  a  little  white  girl  down  to 
York,  but  she  rather  thought  he  could  do  better  closer  to 
home,  and  take  a  wife  nearer  his  size. 

"  Age,  you  mean,"  I  said. 

Yes,  it  was  age  ;  but  she  liked  right  well  to  see  a  man 
and  woman  that  was  married  just  about  the  same  size. 
"  Though,  to  be  sure,"  she  continued,  "  in  my  own  case  I 
found  it  purty  hard  to  bring  it  about  just  right,  for  my  first 
pardner  —  Simon  Jones  was  his  name — he's  Katy's,  and 
Jerusha's,  and  two  or  three  of  the  other  girls'  father  —  I 
disremember  now  exactly  which  ones  of  them,  but  it's 
all  down  straight  in  the  '  log-book,'  as  he  used  to  call  the 
Bible,  for  he  had  been  one  v'y'ge  to  sea,  but  his  legs  were 
in  the  way  so  much  he  never  went  again  ;  he,  I  say,  was 
an  oncommon  tall  man  ;  while  Mister  Clover,  my  Number 
Two,  was  just  as  much  again  too  short ;  and  you  both  know 
what  poor  Axsey  was,  so  fat  and  solidary,  that  it  has  been  a 
great  wonder  to  me,  ever  since  his  death,  that  the  appoplec- 
ticks  did  n't  carry  him  off  five  years  sooner  than  it  other 
wise  did." 

'"  Oh,  yes,"  I  replied,  "  I  remember  him  very  well.  The 
frequenters  of  the  '  Hammer  and  Tongs '  prevailed  on  him 
to  attempt  a  balloon  ascension,  in  company  with  the  cele 
brated  aeronaut,  Mr.  Silly,  one  fourth  of  July  ;  but,  much  to 
the  disappointment  of  the  populace,  it  was  found,  when  the 
cords  were  cut,  that,  owing  to  his  great  weight,  the  balloon 
could  not  ascend :  so  he  was  obliged  to  get  out  of  the  car, 
and  Mr.  Silly  immediately  went  up  alone." 

"  That 's  so,"  exclaimed  the  old  lady,  wiping  her  eyes 
'•  and  though  it  was  a  great  disappointment  to  him,  for  he 
was  of  a  disploring  exposition,  yet  for  my  part  I  allers  felt 
mighty  kind  o'  thankful  like  that  the  balloon  gin  out  as  it 
did,  for  that  Silly,  when  he  came  to  settle  down  arter  an 
hour  or  two,  went  kersplash  right  into  the  middle  of  Big 
Pond,  and  if  he  had  n't  a  been  a  swimmer,  why  he  'd  'a' 
drowned.  Now  my  old  man  could  n't  swim  more  than  a 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  229 

baby,  and  he  'd  just  as  certainly,  if  he  'd  been  in  that  bal 
loon,  met  with  a  watery  grave  as  anything.  I  've  allers  felt 
gratified  with  Providence  that  nary  one  of  my  pardners 
was  ever  born  to  be  drowned." 

"  I  trust  none  of  them,  Mrs.  Axsey,  met  with  a  worse 
fate." 

"  No,  sir,"  she  replied,  "  they  all  died  to  home,  inside 
their  beds,  like  Christian  persons.  But  that 's  got  nothing 
to  do  with  Mr.  Grumm  and  his  wife.  Now  if  I  was  that 
man,  I  know  who  I  'd  take  for  my  spouse.  I  would  n't  go 
pottering  around  York  city,  but  just  stop  to  home  and 
marry  about  the  best  woman  by  long  odds  that  there  is  in 
the  world;  and  that,  too,  without  going  more'n  a  mile  away 
from  the  Hemlocks." 

"  You  doubtless  mean  yourself,  Mrs.  Axsey,"  I  remarked. 

"  No,  I  don't  mean  myself  either,  though  I  should  n't 
mind,"  and  the  old  lady  simpered,  "  taking  a  Number  Four, 
purvided  he  had  plenty  of  money,  like  Mr.  Grumm  and  "  — 

"  Who  ?  "    I  asked,  observing  she  paused. 

"  You,"  she  quickly  replied. 

Thereupon  I  incontinently  left  the  room,  for  I  really 
feared  that,  in  the  excitement  under  which  she  appeared  to 
be  laboring,  she  might  actually  offer  herself  to  me. 

I  heard  no  more  from  Mrs.  Axsey  during  the  day,  though 
Kate  informed  me  that,  when  she  was  not  engaged  with 
her  basket  of  stockings,  she  was  occupied  in  making  and 
baking  a  large  quantity  of  gingerbread  to  take  home  with 
her;  because,  as  she  said,  she  liked  to  have  some  such 
thing  in  the  house  to  give  the  children,  who  each  Saturday 
came  to  see  her. 

After  tea,  which  she  and  Kate  took  together  alone  in  tl  e 
housekeeping-room,  she  came  into  the  library  where  I  was, 
and  regaled  me  with  a  long  story  concerning  a  lady,  —  a 
stranger  attired  in  mourning,  who,  one  June  morning, 
nearly  twenty  years  ago,  suddenly  made  her  appearance 
down  in  the  valley,  and  rented  a  little  cottage,  where  in  the 


230  DOWN  IN   THE   VALLEY. 

autumn  she  gave  birth  to  a  daughter ;  and  that  as  soon  as 
she  was  able  to  travel,  a  carriage,  the  like  of  which  had 
never  before  been  seen  down  in  the  valley,  stopped  at  the 
cottage  for  her,  and  she,  her  babe,  and  an  elderly  woman, 
who  had  acted  as  the  lady's  housekeeper,  getting  into  it, 
were  driven  away  ;  and  no  one  down  in  the  valley  ever 
knew  where  she  came  from  or  whither  she  went.  Mrs. 
Axsey  had  been  the  stranger's  nurse,  and  said  the  babe 
was  the  prettiest  she  had  ever  seen,  and  possessed  soft  blue 
eyes  and  golden  hair ;  and  that  on  the  child's  right  shoul 
der  there  appeared,  distinctly  traced,  a  cross,  about  an  inch 
in  length,  of  a  purple  color ;  and  that,  for  her  part,  she  had 
always  thought  the  lady  was  a  nun  from  some  convent,  and 
perhaps  the  wife  of  a  bishop,  though  the  lady  herself  said 
her  name  was  Whyte,  but  Mrs.  A.  had  looked  through  a 
list,  and  could  not  find  a  single  bishop  of  that  name  in  it, 
and  so  she  was  as  much  in  the  dark  about  her  as  any  one 
else  down  in  the  valley. 

After  Mrs.  Axsey's  departure,  I  sat  musing  over  this 
somewhat  singular  story,  and  wondering  what  had  become 
of  the  "  blue-eyed,  golden-haired  babe,"  who,  if  now  living, 
was  a  woman  grown,  when  I  was  disturbed  by  Kate,  who 
asked  me  what  subject  was  engaging  my  thoughts.  I  told 
her.  She  thought  as  much,  she  said  ;  "  but  do  you  know, 
Paul,"  she  continued,  "  the  name  which  that  child  now 
bears  ?  " 

"  Is  she  then  living  ? "  I  asked  with  surprise,  "  and  do 
you  know  her  ?  " 

"  She  is,  and  I  know  her,"  replied  Kate.  "  She  and  Lilly 
White  are  the  same." 

"  And  Gregory  —  do  you  think  he  is  aware  of  this  cir 
cumstance  ?  "  I  asked. 

Kate  thought  he  was  ;  but  just  then  lady  callers  were 
announced,  and,  lost  in  conjectures,  I  remained  in  the 
library,  while  Kate  went  to  receive  them.  Nor  has  she 
since  given  me  a  single  opportunity  to  renew  the  subject; 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  i'ol 

and,  as  it  is  evident  to  me  that  she  seeks  to  avoid  all  refer 
ence  to  it,  I  considerately  refrain  from  recurring  to  the 
matter;  but  I  intend  writing  to  Gregory  —  who,  by  the 
by,  I  have  not  heard  from  since  his  precious  epistle  of  the 
18th  —  regarding  it. 


232  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 


IX. 

AN  ILLUSTRATED  LETTER. FRED'S  SUSPENSION. FINAN 
CIAL  AFFAIRS. —  CAUSE  OF  "HARD  TIMES." EXCUL 
PATION  OF  THE  LADIES. KNIGHT-ERHANTRY. WED 
DING-GARMENTS. MRS.  AXSEY;  HER  PRIVATE  OPINION; 

HER   POEM. "IN    MEMORIAM." — A  TABLET. INSANITY. 

GOSPEL    DOCTRINE. THE    DECEASED    AXSET. —  BURNT 

PIES. 

HAVE  had  another  letter  from  Fred.  It  simply 
contained  a  rude  pen-and-ink  sketch  representing 
the  young  man  with  empty  pockets  turned  inside 
out,  and  a  most  lugubrious  expression  of  countenance, 
beset  on  one  side  by  an  old  woman,  carrying  a  basket  of 
apples,  thrusting  at  him  a  bill  on  which  the  characters  "  28 
cents "  were  discernible  ;  while  on  the  other  side  of  Fred 
was  an  old  man,  wooden-legged,  and  supported  by  a  crutch, 
tendering  another  bill,  with  "  Candies,  10  cents,^'  written 
on  it  Under  the  sketch  appeared  the  words,  "  Hard  times 
at  Prospect  Hill  Academy,"  and  above  it,  "  A  panic."  The 
letter  contained  nothing  further,  either  in  the  way  of  illus 
tration  or  explanation,  nor,  in  fact,  did  it  require  any.  The 
picture  said  all  that  was  necessary.  Fred,  the  humorist, 
found  himself  in  a  tight  place.  He  was  beset  by  duns,  and 
not  having  the  wherewith  to  pay  his  debts,  he  had  taken 
this  mode  of  apprising  me  of  his  situation.  To  relieve  the 
young  spendthrift  from  his  embarrassment,  by  supplying 
his  immediate  necessities,  and  at  the  same  time  to  leave  a 
small  margin  in  his  favor,  I  immediately  sent  him  thirty- 
nine  cents,  in  three-cent  pieces,  and  wrote  him,  at  the  same 
time,  that  financial  affairs  dbwn  in  the  valley  were  in  a  very 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  233 

bad  condition.  Had  Gregory  been  home,  the  lad  would 
have  received  an  eagle,  at  least,  for  his  happy  performance. 
But  for  my  part  I  do  not  approve  of  allowing  boys  much 
spending  -  money.  They  are  apt  to  become  extravagant. 
If,  when  young,  a  boy  spends  his  dimes  too  freely,  he  will, 
when  he  grows  older,  spend  his  dollars  just  as  improvi- 
dently.  My  attention  having  been  directed  to  this  subject, 
by  Fred's  frequent  appeals  to  me  for  money,  has  led  me  to 
examine  somewhat  closely  into  the  matter,  and  thereby  I 
have  been  induced  to  prepare  a  paper  which  I  shall  read 
before  the  literary  society  of  which  I  am  president,  during 
the  coming  winter.  In  it  I  assume  the  ground  that  the 
present  deplorable  condition  of  our  country  is  owing 
almost  entirely  to  the  reckless  extravagance  of  schoolboys ; 
and  I  therein  prove,  by  proper  and  reliable  statistics,  de 
rived  from  the  heads  of  colleges  and  schools,  that  the 
enormous  sum  of  twenty-six  millions  of  dollars  is  annually 
expended  by  boys  and  girls  under  twenty  years  of  age,  in 
the  purchase  of  candies,  ice-cream,  cakes,  tarts,  etc.,  in  the 
Northern  and  Middle  States  alone. 

This  paper,  when  I  come  to  read  it,  will  doubtless  aston 
ish  most  of  my  hearers  ;  and  yet,  I  shall  not  make  a  single 
assertion  in  it,  which  I  cannot  prove  to  the  entire  satisfac 
tion  of  those  who  otherwise  would  deny  the  truth  of  my 
report.  I  am  determined  that  our  financial  troubles  shall 
no  longer  be  ascribed  to  the  extravagance  of  our  ladies. 
In  me  they  will  find  an  able  champion  ;  and  they  may  con 
tinue  to  flounce  as  deeply,  and  expand  their  hoops  as  widely 
as  they  please,  without  having  the  cause  of  the  hard  times 
laid  at  their  doors. 

Let  the  ladies  thank  God,  then,  that  the  days  of  chivalry 
have  not  utterly  passed  away  ;  that  there  are  some  Don 
Quixotes  yet  left  in  this  money-getting-and-losing  world  of 
ours,  —  some  brave  knights,  who  are  ready  to  step  forth  in 
behalf  of  beauty  robed  in  silks  and  laces,  and  not  only 
willing,  but  able,  to  turn  the  tide  of  popular  error,  setting 


234  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

against  them,  into  its  proper  channel,  leading  to  the  feet 
of  indiscreet  and  inexperienced  youth. 

Old  Mrs.  Axsey  has  been  passing  several  days  at  Allen- 
Dale,  assisting  Kate,  who,  it  appears  to  me,  is  having  an 
immense  quantity  of  plain  sewing  done,  and  also  a  large 
amount  of  finer  needlework.  A  good  many  unnamable 
garments,  beautifully -frilled  and  edged,  have  of  late  been 
bleaching  on  the  grass  or  dancing  on  the  clothes-lines.  I 
begin  to  think  that  Kate  and  Gregory  are  playing  me  false, 
and  that  Lilly  White  is  simply  a  myth,  or,  at  best,  is  only 
used  to  blind  me.  If  it  should  turn  out  that  it  is  Kate 
whom  Gregory  is  to  marry,  and  not  Lilly,  I  shall  consider 
myself  sold  ;  and  yet,  I  cannot  account  for  the  important 
part  which  Lilly  White  seems  to  play  in  the  affair.  Who 
is  Lilly  White  ?  That  is  the  question. 

I  must  have  asked  myself  this  aloud,  for  Mrs.  Axsey 
immediately  opened  the  door  of  the  room  wherein  I  was, 
and  replied,  saying  that  she  was  the  rich  young  lady  who 
visited  the  Barkers,  and  that  everybody  said  Mr.  Grumm 
was  going  to  marry  her,  but  that  for  her  part  she  did  n't 
believe  it,  because  she  had  seen  something  in  this  house 
that  made  her  think  contrarywise. 

"  Why,  what  do  you  mean,  Mrs.  Axsey  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Oh,  never  you  mind,  sir,"  she  replied.  "  I  can  keep  a 
secret,  and  be  as  mum  as  anybody,  but  when  you  see  such 
kinds  of  work  going  on  in  the  way  of  making  things,  as  I 
diskiver  in  this  'ere  house,  why,  I  have  my  own  private 
opinion  about  it,  and  that  opinion  I  don't  tell  nobody." 

"  Indeed,  Mrs.  Axsey,  you  may  be  right." 

"  To  be  sure  I  am.  I  hain't  forgot  yet  how  I  fixed  up 
myself  every  time  when  I  was  getting  ready  to  be  mar 
ried  ;  and,  as  I  tried  it  myself  three  times,  I  guess  I  'm  able 
to  find  out  all  about  such  things;  and  speaking  of  my  de 
parted  pardners,  makes  me  remember  to  tell  you  that  I  've 
been  writing  some  poetry  about  them,  which  I  'm  going  to 
have  painted  on  a  panel,  and  then  hang  it  on  the  wall  of 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  2G5 

the  church,  just  above  my  seat  there,  something  like 
Squire  Dick's  tabby,  you  know,  what  tells  about  his  consort 
Jerushy,  that 's  dead." 

"  A  tablet,  you  mean,  I  presume  ?  " 

"  Yes,  that 's  the  thing." 

"  A  very  good  idea  it  will  be,  Mrs.  Axsey,  and  highly 
commendable  in  you."  —  "  Besides,  pious  and  humiliating," 
she  added.  "  And  here,"  she  continued,  "  are  the  verses, 
which,  after  the  names  of  my  pardners,  I  mean  to  have 
described  on  my  tabby." 

And  Mrs.  Axsey  handed  me  the  following  "  pome,"  which 
I  readj  after  first  adding  the  words  — 

IN  MEMORIAM. 

To  my  three  pardners  who  are  dead, 
I  hang  this  tablet  o'er  my  head, 
That  so,  whenever  it  I  see, 
I  shall  remember  all  the  three. 

At  meeting  in  the  morning,  I 
Will  recall  him  who  first  did  die, 
And  in  the  afternoon  't  will  do 
To  think  of  him,  my  number  two. 

At  evening  service  I  will  give 
My  thoughts  to  him  who  last  did  live, 
And  then  I  '11  wipe  my  weeping  eyes, 
For  I  '11  meet  them  in  Paradise. 

Now,  all  you  ladies  who  are  wives, 
Make  your  pardners  'sure  their  lives, 
And  then  whene'er  they  come  to  die, 
The}7  '11  not  leave  you  as  poor  as  I. 

"  Was  left,  I  presume  you  mean,  Mrs.  Axsey  ?  " 

"  Yes,  certain,"  she  answered,  "  as  poor  as  I  was  left 
Ain't  it  plain  enough  ?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,  the  meaning  is  clear,"  I  replied ;  "  but  the 
phraseology  is  slightly  imperfect." 

"  Well,  law,  suz,  perhaps  it  is  a  little  crazy,  as  you  say, 


23 fi  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

but  then  the  troubles  I  Ve  gone  through  with  is  enough  to 
make  me  write  crazyology-like." 

"  To  be  sure  they  are,  Mrs.  Axsey.  I  should  have  taken 
these  into  consideration  before  I  criticized  your  produc 
tion." 

"  And  now  do  give  me,"  she  added,  "  your  candy  reasons 
about  them.  Ain't  they  sweet  and  solemn-like  ;  and  don't 
they  go  just  to  the  right  spot  in  one's  feelings  ?  " 

"  Certainly,  Mrs.  A ,  and  what  I  particularly  admire 

in  them  is  the  admirable  piece  of  advice  with  which  you 
close.  If  all  wives  would  compel  their  husbands  to  insure 
their  lives  in  their  favor,  there  would  be  less  need  than 
there  is  of  charitable  societies  for  the  relief  of  indigent 
females." 

"That's  real  charitable  gospel  doctrine, sir,"  said  the  old 
lady,  looking  much  pleased  at  my  agreeing  with  her  so 
cordially  ;  "  and  I  'm  an  indignant  female  whenever  I  hear 
of  a  poor,  good-for-nothing  shoat  dying,  and  leaving  no 
property,  nor  no  insurance  on  his  life  for  his  widder  to  live 
respectfully  on.  It's  amazin'  to  me  how  mankind  can  do 
so.  Now  there  was  Axsey,  just  as  good  a  pardner  as  ever 
wore  shoes  out,  and  though  he  did  talk  about  it  at  one  time 
a  good  deal,  —  and,  in  fact,  I  thought  rather  hankered  arter 
it, — yet  he  jest  allowed  himself  to  drop  off  like  a  rotten 
pear  at  last,  without  raisin'  nary  finger  to  leave  me  a  fortin, 
as  he  oughter  have  done  ;  and  there  I  was,  jest  as  I  was 
when  I  married  him,  withouten  anything  to  fall  back  on, 
'ceptin'  my  darters.  So  I  had  to  go  into  the  mantormenting 
business,  which  all  the  folks  down  here  in  the  valley  al 
lowed  was  a  burnin'  shame  ;  and  —  good  gracious  !  there  's 
that  oven  full  of  pies  I  left,  '11  all  be  burnt  up." 

And,  without  further  words,  Mrs.  Axsey  hastened  from 
the  room  to  see  about  the  pies,  which  might,  possibly, 
prove  a  burning  shame  to  her. 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  237 


X. 

CONFIDENTIAL.  GREGORY'S     NIECE.  —  "  LILLY    WHITE'S 

MOTHER." — THE  REV.  JEBEZ  GRUMM;  HIS  CHARACTER; 
HIS  SON  GREGORY  ;  HIS  DAUGHTER  PATIENCE;  THEIR 
EDUCATION.  TREASURES  IN  THE  GARRET.  SUN 
FLOWERS  AND  .HOLLYHOCKS. — DAVID  AND  ABSALOM. 
A  BOSTON  BLADE. JEPHTHAH'S  DAUGHTER. 


streams  through  the  darkness.  The 
mystery  is  unravelled.  Kate,  in  a  confidential 
hour,  late  one  evening,  while  we  were  seated 
before  the  great  fireplace  in  the  hall,  watching  the  pine 
knots  blazing  and  rolling  their  black  smoke  in  torrents  up 
the  chimney,  —  and  after  we  had  duly  discussed  the  con 
tents  of  another  letter  from  Gregory,  received  that  after 
noon,  —  revealed  to  me  that  it  was  herself,  and  not  Lilly 
White,  whom  he  is  about  to  marry. 

I  cannot  say  that  I  was  surprised  to  learn  this,  for  in 
various  ways  my  eyes  had  seen  such  culmination ;  and, 
therefore,  when  Kate  made  the  avowal,  I  was  prepared  for 
it,  and  neither  fainted  nor  made  any  exclamations  of 
wonder.  I  simply  congratulated  Kate,  and  said  it  yielded 
me  pleasure  to  hear  from  her  own  lips  that  such  was  the 
case.  "  But  what,"  I  asked,  "  has  Lilly  White  to  do  with 
it,  and  why  is  Gregory  spending  so  much  time  in  New 
York,  solely,  as  I  am  led  to  believe  by  his  letters,  on  her 
account  ?  And  then,  too,"  I  continued,  "  did  he  not  state  in 
his  letters  to  me  that  he  intended  marrying  Miss  Lilly, 
and  would  bring  her  with  him  to  Allen-Dale,  to  be  a  com 
panion  for  you  ?  " 

"  Not  at  all,"  replied  Kate.     "  His  letters,  I  must  allow, 


238  .  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

were  not  as  clearly  expressed  as  they  might  have  been  on 
this  subject,  and  thereby  you  were  led  to  a  false  conclu 
sion  ;  but  that  you  should  do  so,  was,  I  am  certain,  never 
Gregory's  intention.  I  plead  guilty  to  having  seen,  from 
the  first,  the  error  into  which  you  had  fallen  ;  and  though 
a  word  from  me  might  have  shown  to  you  how  very  much 
you  were  at  fault,  yet  I  could  not,  perhaps  I  would  not, 
bring  myself  to  explain  the  truth  of  the  matter.  So  you 
and  Gregory,  neither  understanding  the  other,  wrote  letters 
at  cross-purposes,  while  I "  — 

"  While  you,"  I  interrupted,  "  stood  by  and  enjoyed  the 
joke.  But  Lilly  White  —  what  of  her  ?  " 

"*Why,  did  I  not  tell  you?"  asked  Kate;  "she  is 
Gregory's  niece  —  the  child  of  his  only  and  well-beloved 
sister,  of  whom  you  have  often  heard  him  speak  and  grieve 
over  her  untimely  death,  not  knowing  either  that  she 
had  left  a  daughter  ;  but  as  the  story  is  not  a  long  one,  I 
will  tell  it  to  you." 

So  I  threw  another  pine  knot  upon  the  glowing  embers, 
poured  some  hot  water,  from  the  kettle  singing  on  the 
hearth,  into  my  glass,  containing  sundry  proper  ingredi 
ents,  and,  after  stirring  it  with  a  spoon  and  taking  a  sip  of 
the  beverage  just  brewed,  I  gave  Kate  to  understand,  by 
quietly  nodding  my  head,  that  I  was  ready  for  her  to  com 
mence  ;  and  thereupon  Kate  immediately  began  narrating 
the  following  story  of 

• 
LILLY  WHITE'S  MOTHER. 

"  In  a  certain  village  in  New  England,  distinguished  only 
for  having  been  the  birthplace  of  one  of  our  Presidents, 
dwelt,  some  twenty-five  years  since,  the  Reverend  Jabez 
Grumm,  —  a  Presbyterian  divine  belonging  to  the  old 
school,  who  liked  better  in  his  sermons  to  dwell  upon  the 
wrath  of  God,  as  displayed  in  passages  taken  from  the 
Old  Testament,  than  to  speak  of  His  loving  kindness  as 
shown  in  the  life  and  death  of  our  Saviour.  Harsh,  puri- 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  239 

tanical,  and  self-righteous,  the  Reverend  Jabez  ruled  his 
household  with  a  rod  of  iron.  His  wife  —  a  feeble,  uncom 
plaining  little  body  —  dwelt  with  her  husband  scarce  three 
years  before  she  succumbed  to  his  harshness,  and  died, 
broken  in  heart  and  spirit,  leaving  to  his  protection  two 
children,  the  elder  a  boy,  (our  friend  Gregory,)  and  the 
younger  a  girl,  named  Patience,  the  mother  of  Lilly.  The 
two  grew  up  together,  entirely  secluded  from  the  society 
of  all  save  their  stern  father ;  and  it  was  seldom,  even,  that 
they  exchanged  a  word  with  any  one  outside  the  walls  of 
their  lonesome  dwelling.  Only  when  going  to  and  return 
ing  from  meeting  did  they  see  a  kind  or  cheerful  face. 
During  service  they  were  taught  to  look  solely  at  the  min 
ister,  and  all  idle  gazing  around  was  denounced  by  the 
strict  divine  as  a  most  heinous  sin,  —  one  for  which  they 
would  be  punished  not  only  here  on  earth,  but  with  fire  and 
brimstone  hereafter.  Teachers,  other  than  their  father, 
they  never  had ;  consequently  that  knowledge  which  he 
held  in  the  highest  esteem  —  namely,  Latin,  Greek,  and 
Hebrew  —  they  were  early  taught;  while  the  common 
English  studies  were  wholly  neglected.  Patience,  futher- 
more,  knew  some  little  of  cooking,  and,  whenever  per 
mitted  by  her  father  —  which,  however,  was  but  seldom  — 
found  great  pleasure  and  delight  in  assisting  the  cook  in 
the  kitchen.  Gregory,  though,  poor  fellow!  was  kept 
closely  at  the  dead  languages  till  he  was  almost  dead  him 
self.  One  day,  however,  somewhere  near  his  fifteenth 
birthday,  he  chanced  to  find,  thrust  away  out  of  sight 
under  the  garret-eaves,  a  box  filled  with  old  and  musty 
books,  somewhat  different  from  the  volumes  of  sermons 
and  commentaries  that  adorned  the  shelves  of  his  father's 
library ;  among  them  were  several  odd  volumes  of  the 
'  Spectator,'  Percy's  '  Ancient  Reliques,'  a  copy  of  Shaks- 
peare,  and,  best  of  all,  a  well-thumbed  edition  of  '  Robin 
son  Crusoe.'  These  books,  through  the  long  summer  after 
noons,  both  he  and  his  sister  read,  sitting  with  their  backs 


240  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

against  the  great  chimney,  which  passed  through  the 
centre  of  the  garret.  To  them  it  was  as  if  they  had  dis 
covered  a  new'  world.  Hitherto  they  had  lived  solely 
amono:  the  ancients  —  had  dwelt  in  tents  with  the  chosen 

O 

people  of  God,  and  had  gone  forth  to  do  battle  with  the 
Greeks  and  Romans.  Their  new  books  put  fresh  life  into 
their  young  but  drooping  hearts,  and  taught  them  that 
there  were  other  nations  on  the  earth  than  the  ones  of 
which  they  read,  and  other  beings  than  those  who  in 
habited  the  dull  New-England  town  where  they  were  pass 
ing  their  unmemorable  lives. 

"  Before  Gregory  had  quite  gotten  '  Robinson  Crusoe  '  by 
heart,  he  resolved  to  run  away  from  home,  and  take  his 
chance  for  obtaining  a  living  somewhere  in  the  wide  world, 
among  people  who  had  less  knowledge  of  classical  affairs 
than  he.  Poor  little  Patience  cried  sadly  when  Gregory 
announced  to  her  his  intention  of  going  away,  for  she  could 
not  bear  the  idea  of  remaining  alone  with  her  grim  papa 
and  the  cross  black  cook.  Gregory,  too,  shed  many  tears 
at  the  thought  of  parting  with  his  little  sister ;  but  he 
could  no  longer  bear  the  dead  languages,  and  the  long- 
winded  prayers,  and  the  still  longer-winded  sermons  which 
he  was  forever  hearing.  So  he  promised  little  Patience 
that,  in  a  little  while,  when  he  had  made  as  much  money 
as  the  deacons  got  on  Fast-day,  when  they  handed  around 
in  the  meeting  the  contribution-boxes,  he  would  return 
and  get  her,  and  they  would  live  together  in  some  great 
city,  where  nobody  would  make  them  study,  and  where 
they  would  have  thanksgiving  dinners  every  day  of  their 
lives.  Nor  would  she  have  to  wait  for  him  very  long, 
either — only  till  fall,  he  said,  when  the  sunflowers  and 
hollyhocks,  down  at  the  bottom  of  the  garden,  went  to 
seed,  and  their  dry  stalks  rattled  in  the  autumn  wind. 

" '  And  will  you,'  asked  little  Patience,  '  buy  me  a  new 
silk  gown  and  a  blue  ribbon,  and  let  me  make  ginger-snaps 
every  Saturday  ? ' 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  241 

"  Young  Gregory  promised  he  would  ;  and  so,  early  one 
morning  he  kissed  her  good-bye,  while  the  stars  still  shone 
in  the  sky,  and  taking  his  little  bundle,  containing  ;i*i  his 
worldly  possessions,  including  Shakspeare  and  '  Robinson 
Crusoe,'  he  left  the  gloomy  old  parsonage  and  his  grim 
father,  and  little  Patience,  and  his  dead  mother  lying  in 
the  churchyard  behind  him,  and  set  off,  with  a  bold  heart 
but  tearful  eyes,  upon  his  travels. 

"Weeks  and  months  and  years  rolled  by,  slowly  to 
some,  swiftly  to  others,  but  never  a  soul  in  that  stupid 
ftew-England  village  heard  a  word  concerning  Master 
Gregory,  Parson  Grumm's  boy,  who  ran  away.  Not  even 
little  Patience  witnessed  his  return  as  he  had  promised, 
though  she  watched  for  him  when  the  sunflowers  and 
hollyhocks  went  to  seed,  and  their  stalks  rattled  in  the 
wind.  The  old  parson  caused  great  search  to  be  made 
for  the  runaway,  and  even  made  a  journey  to  Boston, 
astride  of  his  gray  mare,  himself,  in  hopes  of  finding  or 
hearing  something  concerning  the  lost  son,  but  all  in  vain ; 
and  so  the  old  man,  hiding  his  grief  under  an  appalling 
grimness  of  countenance,  returned  home,  to  preach  a  very 
affecting  sermon  about  David  and  Absalom,  which  caused 
the  old  women  to  wipe  their  eyes,  and  made  even  the 
stern  deacons  blow  their  nose  louder  and  oftener  than  was 
their  wont. 

"  Th^ee  years  went  by,  and  Gregory  was  almost  for 
gotten,  save  by  his  father  and  little  Patience.  Every  fall, 
when  the  sunflowers  and  hollyhocks  went  to  seed,  Patience 
looked  for  her  truant  brother,  and  on  each  anniversary  of 
his  departure,  the  Reverend  Jabez  preached  the  David  and 
Absalom  sermon.  And  so  when  five  years  had  gone  by, 
those  in  the  village  who  had  not  forgotten  him  believed 
him  dead,  as  nothing  had,  in  all  that  time,  been  heard  of 
him ;  but  in  the  sixth  year  he  returned.  Then  for  the  first 
time  the  good  people  learned  from  his  own  lips  the  story 
of  his  wanderings.  When  he  left  home  he  went  direct  to 

Hi 


242  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

Nantucket,  where  he  shipped  for  a  whaling  voyage  around 
Cape  Horn  ;  the  vessel  in  which  he  sailed,  after  being  out 
two  years,  was  destroyed  by  fire  ;  he,  with  six  other  sailors, 
managed  to  reach  an  uninhabited  island,  where  they  led  a 
Robinson  Crusoeish  sort  of  life  for  three  years,  when  they 
were  taken  off  at  last  by  a  vessel  which  touched  there  for 
a  supply  of  water,  and  then,  so  soon  as  he  was  able,  Greg 
ory  made  his  way  home  ;  but  in  the  mean  time  changes  had 
taken  place  in  the  dull  New- England  village. 

"  His  father  had,  during  the  fourth  year  of  his  absence, 
been  gathered  to  his  fathers,  and  slept  in  the  churchyard 
beside  his  wife.  Little  Patience,  too,  had  grown  up,  and 
on  being  permitted  by  her  father,  a  few  months  before 
his  death,  to  go  out  into  society,  and  attend  merry-makings, 
had,  at  the  very  first  corn-husking  she  engaged  in,  fallen 
in  love  with  a  dashing  young  blade  from  Boston  town,  who 
in  turn  was  equally  smitten  with  her,  and  before  many 
weeks  she  eloped  with  him,  on  a  moonlight  evening,  and 
was  married  by  the  Universalist  minister,  whom  her 
father  bitterly  hated ;  which,  in  itself  made  him  more 
wroth  with  his  daughter  than  he  would  otherwise  have 
been,  and  caused  him,  doubtless,  to  forbid  her  to  return 
home,  and  induced  him  to  make  a  will  leaving  his  house 
hold  gods  and  his  manuscript  sermons  to  the  black  cook 
who  waited  on  him  and  prepared  his  daily  meals.  Then 
he  preached  a  sermon  in  relation  to  Jephthah's  daughter, 
whose  filial  love  and  obedience  he  held  up  in  contrast  to 
the  act  of  which  his  daughter  was  guilty.  This  was  the 
old  Puritan's  last  sermon.  Whether  he  had  in  its  compo 
sition  and  delivery  over-exerted  his  mental  powers,  or 
whether  it  arose  from  grief  at  his  daughter's  conduct,  was 
never  clearly  known  ;  but  from  that  day  the  silver  cord 
was  loosed,  the  golden  bowl  was  broken,  and  on  the  follow 
ing  Sabbath  his  coffin  was  carried  into  the  church,  and  a 
brother  clergyman  preached  over  it  his  funeral  sermon. 

"  In  a  worldly  point  of  view,  Patience  had  done  well. 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  243 

Her  husband  was  wealthy,  and  a  rising  man  in  his  profes- 
ion.  His  fame  as  a  lawyer  was  spread  abroad.  More  than 
one  year  they  lived  happily  together,  when  he  was  called 
upon  to  try  a  suit  in  New  York,  whither  he  went,  leaving 
his  wife  behind  him.  Soon  after  his  arrival  there  he  was 
taken  sick  ;  his  wife  was  sent  for  ;  she  started  to  go  to  him, 
and  reached  here,  when  she  too  was  taken  ill,  and,  as  old 
Mrs.  Axsey  once  informed  you,  gave  birth  to  a  daughter, 
who,  it  appears,  was  Lilly.  So  soon  as  the  young  mother 
was  able  to  travel,  she  proceeded  to  New  York,  but  reached 
there  too  late  to  find  her  husband  living ;  he  had  died  the 
day  before  her  arrival.  The  shock  was  greater  than  her 
feeble  strength  could  bear,  and  in  a  few  days  she  was  laid 
beside  her  husband. 

"  Lilly,  however,  lived  and  grew,  and  her  affairs  pros 
pered  in  the  hands  of  her  guardian,  who  was  her  father's 
bosom  friend  ;  and  now,  at  eighteen,  she  is  not  only  a  belle 
but  an  heiress.  Gregory's  attention  was  attracted  to  Lilly, 
first,  by  seeing  a  minature  which  she  wore,  that  resembled 
his  lost  sister.  Though  he  was  not  aware  that  she  had  left 
an  infant,  yet  the  more  he  pondered  the  subject,  the  more 
convinced  was  he  that  she  was  his  sister's  child.  This  led 
him  to  go  to  Newport ;  this  caused  him  to  make  inquiries 
of  a  lawyer  in  New  York  ;  this  it  was  that  carried  him 
there,  and  which  is  now  keeping  him  from  Allen-Dale." 

"  And  from  you,"  I  added,  as  Kate  finished  her  account 
of  Lilly  White's  mother  and  Lilly  White's  Uncle  Gregory. 
Kate,  though  a  woman  owning  to  thirty-five,  blushed,  and 
said,  "  Good-night" 


244  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 


XL 


GREGORY'S    RETURN. WHAT    THE    GOLDEN    RULE    SAID. 

OUR    THANKSGIVING    DINNER. A   FAMOUS  PIE.  —  MRS. 

AXSEY    SPEAKS;    ITS    EFFECT. — GREGORY'S    OPINION    OF 

MRS.      A. FRED'S      OPINION. GREGORY'S      PLANS. 

ENTERTAINING        BACHELORS.  BAGDAD.  ARABIAN 

NIGHTS. PERFUMES    AND    OILS. 

**"*REGORY  has  returned  home,  accompanied  by 
Miss  Lilly  White.  Their  arrival  caused  great  talk 
down  in  the  valley.  Both  the  old  and  young  can 
vassed  the  matter  pretty  freely.  The  gentlemen,  especially 
those  who  had  arrived  at  years  of  discretion,  —  say  fifty  or 
thereabouts,  —  termed  Gregory  an  old  fool,  and  Lilly  a 
young  simpleton.  The  grandmotherly  part  of  the  other 
sex  asked  each  other,  with  uplifted  eyes  and  hands,  What 
have  n't  we  lived  to  see  ?  While  the  more  youthful  portion 
of  the  community  laughed,  and  wondered  how  it  .would  end. 
The  Golden-Rule  Society  held  a  special  meeting,  ostensibly 
to  hear  a  report  from  a  committee  in  regard  to  the  primi 
tive  habits  of  the  Esquimaux,  but  in  reality  to  gossip  about 
Gregory  and  his  approaching  marriage  with  Lilly  White. 
Kate,  who  was  present  at  the  meeting,  gave  a  highly  inter 
esting  account  of  their  proceedings  to  the  parties  most  in 
terested,  who,  on  the  following  day,  with  my  own  family,  were 
gathered  around  the  Thanksgiving  dinner-table.  Some  of 
the  ladies,  she  said,  at  the  society,  declared  most  emphati 
cally  that  Gregory  and  Lilly  were  already  married  ;  that  the 
ceremony  was  performed  in  Grace  Church,  before  a  large 
and  fashionable  audience,  that  they  had  come  to  spend  the 
honeymoon  at  ''The  Hemlocks,"  and  that  immediately  after 


DOWN  Ifr  THE  VALLEY.  245 

Christmas  they  were  to  start  for  Europe.  No  one  down  in 
the  valley,  except  old  Mrs.  Axsey,  suspects  the  true  state 
of  the  case.  There  will  be  some  inflammatory  speeches 
made  by  members  of  the  Quackery  when  they  find  out,  as 
they  will  on  Christmas-day,  that  it  is  Kate,  after  all,  and 
not  Lilly  White,  who  is  the  coming  wife.  Those  who  have 
spoken  slightingly  to  Kate  of  Gregory,  and  ridiculed  him, 
will,  I  imagine,  wish  that  they  had  held  their  peace. 

Our  Thanksgiving  dinner  was,  I  think,  a  very  excellent 
one.  Few  persons  down  in  the  valley,  I  imagine,  partook 
of  any  better.  It  was  prepared  by  Mrs.  Axsey,  acting 
under  Kate's  direction.  One  end  of  the  table  was  adorned 
by  a  roasted  turkey,  the  other  by  a  chicken-pie  ;  various 
vegetables  occupied  appropriate  places  on  the  board,  and 
all  ultimately  gave  place  to  puddings  and  pies.  I  have 
never  partaken,  however,  of  any  pie  which  I  so  relished  as 
I  did  the  chicken-pie  that  graced  my  Thanksgiving  board. 
There  is  a  pie  celebrated  in  history,  which,  perhaps,  was  its 
superior.  I  refer  to  the  one  composed  of  four-and-twenty 
blackbirds  ;  but  even  its  superiority  consisted  not  so  much 
in  its  excellence  as  a  pie,  as  in  the  circumstance  that  after 
the  pie  was  baked,  and  when,  as  one  would  naturally  sup 
pose,  the  blackbirds  were  done  to  death,  on  its  being  opened 
they  began  to  sing.  What  length  of  time,  however,  they 
continued  singing,  history  fails  to  teach  us.  I  am  inclined 
to  think,  though,  that  it  was  only  while  the  king,  before 
whom  the  dish  was  sat,  was  occupied  in  eating  it.  Indeed, 
it  is  highly  improbable  that  the  blackbirds  would,  even  if 
they  could,  —  which  in  itself  is  problematical,  —  continue 
to  sing  after  being  devoured  by  the  king,  and  torn,  prob 
ably,  limb  from  limb,  after  the  latest  Sepoy  fashion. 

When  I  spoke  of  this  pie  to  Fred,  who  had  come  home 
to  take  his  Thanksgiving  dinner  with  us,  and  asked  him 
how  he  would  have  liked  to  see  its  counterpart  on  our  table, 
he  gave  me  to  understand  that  it  would  have  pleased  him 
amazingly  ;  but  for  his  part,  he  said,  he  should  like  to  know 


•246  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

the  king's  name  who  was  served  with  so  dainty  a  repast. 
I  was  obliged  to  confess  my  entire  ignorance  of  it ;  where 
upon  Mrs.  Axsey,  who  had  been  an  attentive  listener,  said 
that  she  had  heard  tell  about  that  pie  a  good  many  years 
ago.  but  she  had  never  believed  in  its  truth  till  now. 
Fred  said  he  did  n't  believe  it  even  now,  and  asked  uncle 
Gregory  if  he  did.  Gregory  replied  that  he  was  not 
prepared  to  answer  the  question  at  present ;  but  that, 
after  thinking  about  it  a  few  years,  he  might  be  able  to 
do  so. 

'*  I  suspicion,"  said  Mrs.  Axsey,  with  an  eye  to  business 
hereafter,  "  that  when  your  uncle  Gregory  gets  one  or  two 
little  shavers  who  learn  to  read  consarning  this  curious  pie, 
in  the  what-do-you-call-it  book  ?  "  —  "  Mother  Goose,"  sug 
gested  Fred.  —  "  Yes,  that 's  it  precisely,  Mother  Goose 
book,  that  he  '11  be  better  able  to  tell  you  then  all  about  it 
than  he  be  now." 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  speech  of  Mrs.  Axsey's,  which 
had  a  visible  effect  upon  those  around  the  table,  a  silence 
ensued,  during  which  Kate  busied  herself  with  peeling  an 
orange ;  Lilly  ate  a  philopena  with  Fred ;  I,  with  an  un- 
tasted  glass  of  wine  in  my  hand,  considered  the  color  very 
attentively;  while  Gregory,  adjusting  his  eye-glass,  gazed 
sternly  through  it  at  Mrs.  Axsey  opposite,  who,  pleased 
with  herself,  smiled  graciously  in  return,  until  frightened 
by  Gregory,  who  broke  the  silence  with  exclaiming, 
"  Zounds !  madam."  Immediately  thereafter  Kate  nodded 
to  Lilly,  and  then  both,  with  Mrs.  Axsey  bringing  up  the 
rear,  departed  for  the  drawing  -  room,  leaving  Gregory 
Fred,  and  myself  lingering  at  the  table. 

"  What  a  confounded  old  woman  ! "  said  Gregory,  the 
moment  the  dining-room  door  closed  between  Mrs.  Axsey 
and  himself. 

"  Do  you  think  so  ?  "   I  asked,  smiling  at  his  vehemence. 

"  Yes,"  he  answered ;  "  fifty  thousand  cradles  rock  her  to 
death ! " 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  247 

"  But  Fred,  here,"  I  continued,  "  considers  her  a  very 
kind-hearted,  estimable  old  lady.  Do  you  not,  Fred  ?  " 

"  To  be  sure  I  do,"  he  replied.  "  Did  n't  she  send  me, 
while  I  was  off  to  boarding-school,  a  great  lot  of  ginger- 
snaps,  and  a  plum-cake,  and  a  pumpkin-pie  ! " 

"  Did  she,  though  ?  "  asked  Gregory.  "  Well,  that  was 
kind,  and  I  declare  I  '11  send  her  a  barrel  of  flour,  to  repay 
her  for  this  kindness,  to-morrow."  And  Gregory  kept  his 
word. 

We  remained  long  over  our  nuts  and  wine,  discussing 
plans  for  the  future.  Christmas-day  is  the  one  appointed 
for  the  wedding,  which  is  to  take  place  at  Allen-Dale,  and 
immediately  after  the  ceremony  the  "  happy  couple  "  expect 
to  depart  on  a  Southern  tour,  —  Cuba  being  the  limit  and 
tarrying  point  in  the  journey.  On  their  return,  which  will 
not  be  until  spring,  they  will  make  Allen-Dale  their  resi 
dence,  "  though,"  said  Gregory,  winking  at  me  over  the 
top  of  his  glass,  "  I  shall  retain  '  The  Hemlocks'  —  leaving 
Pompey  in  charge  —  as  a  place  of  retreat,  in  case  I  find 
that  married  life  fails  to  agree  with  me."  Of  course  I  ap 
proved  of  this  plan  of  Gregory's,  and  told  him  that  the 
place  would,  doubtless,  become  a  rallying  spot  for  all  the 
discontented  husbands  dwelling  down  in  the  valley. 

Gregory  said  that  he  did  not  mean  to  retain  it  for  such 
a  purpose,  but  simply  as  a  retreat  for  himself  during  the 
season  of  house-cleaning,  and  when  Kate  invited  the 
"Gossipery"  to  tea  at  Allen-Dale;  "and  then,  too,"  he 
conlinued,  "  if  a  bachelor  friend  or  so  from  the  city  should 
run  up  to  see  me,  for  a  few  days'  fishing  or  shooting,  why, 
he  could  make  himself  more  comfortable  at  '  The  Hem 
locks  '  than  at  Allen-Dale,  and  altogether,  I  think,  enjoy 
himself  better  there  than  here,  which  I  am  sure  I  should 
do,  for  I  should  not  fear  our  convivialities  were  disturbing 
the  whole  house,  nor  keeping  Kate  and  Lilly  awake." 

"  Very  considerate  in  you,  truly,"  I  replied  ;  "  but,  my 
dear  Gregory,  you  will  find  out  that  these  little  Convivial 


248  DOWN  IN   THE  VALLEY. 

affairs,  which  are  well  enough  in  one's  bachelor  days,  will 
have  to  be  dispensed  with  when  you  come  to  have  a  wife. 
She  will  doubtless  think  it  advisable  for  you  to  stay  at 
home  with  her  rather  than  to  be  entertaining  any  bachelor 
friends  around  the  festive  board.  You  will  know  the  tree 
of  good  and  evil,  the  felicities  and  infelicities  of  married 
life.  Your  Bacchic  songs  will  soon  all  be  sung,  old  boy  ; 
your  last  fair  one  toasted ;  your  last  flirtation  see  its  end. 
You  've  seen  your  last  bachelor  season  at  Newport,  essayed 
les  fanciers,  in  the  ball-room,  with  the  daring  Miss  Dash, 
for  the  last  time  ;  and  when  next  you  meet  the  Marys  and 
Fannys  —  pretty  girls  enough  !  —  with  whom  you  drove  on 
the  beach,  you  will  be  a  staid  married  man,  and  they  will 
acknowledge  your  bow  politely,  but  calmly,  for  you  will 
have  ceased  to  be  anything  to  them. 

As  I  finished  speaking,  Gregory,  somewhat  excited,  ut 
tered,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  the  name  of  the  father  of  lies  ; 
and  then,  draining  his  glass,  rose  suddenly  from  the  table 
and  proceeded  to  join  the  ladies. 

Then  turning  to  Fred,  who,  all  the  time  Gregory  and 
myself  had  been  talking,  was  engaged  in  searching  through 
the  almond  dish  for  philopenas  to  eat  with  Lilly,  and  had 
obtained  a  full  plate  of  them,  "  Fred,"  I  said,  "  how  are 
you  progressing  in  your  studies  at  school  ?  Do  you  dili 
gently  apply  yourself  to  your  books  ?  " 

Fred  guessed  that  he  did. 

"  And  do  you  remember  all  that  you  learn  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  Certainly,"  Fred  replied ;  "  and  I  like  geography  the 
best  of  all  my  studies,  because  it  tells  about  foreign  places 
and  Bagdad." 

"  Bagdad  ?  "  I  repeated,  interrogatively. 

"  Yes,  Bagdad,"  said  Fred ;  "  and  it 's  there  I  'm  agoing 
one  of  these  days." 

"  Why  to  Bagdad  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Oh  !  to  see  it,"  Fred  replied,  "  and  to  find  out  whether 
the  '  Arabian  Nights '  is  all  true." 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  249 

"Then  you  think  that  that  fact  can  be  ascertained  at 
Bagdad  ? " 

"  To  be  sure  it  can,"  said  Fred ;  "  and  while  there  I  '11 
buy  me  a  lot  of  perfumes,  —  attar  of  rose  and  all  those  sort 
of  smells.  John  Growsy,  now  at  school,  has  five  or  six 
different  kinds  on  his  wash-stand,  done  up  in  little  glass 
bottles,  with  colored  labels  ;  and  he  has  ox-marrow,  and 
bear's-grease,  and  oils  for  his  hair.  His  handkerchiefs  are 
always  scented  with  violets  and  poppies,  and  them  flowers, 
and  his  head  smells  just  exactly  like  wintergreen  candy. 
Smell  of  my  hair  now,"  and  Fred  marched  around  to  my 
side  of  the  table,  the  better  to  give  me  an  opportunity  of 
gratifying  my  olfactory  organs.  "  What  do  you  smell  ?  " 
he  asked,  as  he  put  his  curly  pate  near  my  face. 

"  Why,  I  should  say  tallow,"  I  replied. 

"  Oh,  pshaw ! "  cried  Fred,  "  it 's  sassafras,  that 's  what  it 
is.  I  bought  a  bottle  of  buffalo-grease  to-day,  and  rubbed 
it  on  my  hair,  and  it  smells  real  strong  of  the  pure  extract 
of  sassafras  —  that's  just  what  the  man  said  whom  I  bought 
it  of." 

"  Ah ! .  Fred,"  I  exclaimed, "  we  both  have  our  little  weak 
nesses,  —  the  son  and  the  father,  —  the  one  oils  his  hair  and 
the  other  dyes  his  whiskers.  Well,  well,  time  runs  apace. 
We  shall  both  of  us  be  bald,  perhaps,  before  we  die.  Come, 
let  us  go  to  join  your  uncle  Gregory  and  the  ladies."  And 
we  went 


250  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 


XII. 


THE   NEW    CHURCH. THE    OLD    CHURCH. THE    TOLLING 

U1CLL. — SWALLOWS. — SQUARE    PEWS. — BOYS    AT    PLAY. 

JACKKNIVES. DREAMS. THE     OLD     RECTOR. THE 

VESTRY. RESOLUTIONS. THE    NEW    CLERGYMAN. — 

SPIDERS     AND     FLIES. REFORM. ORGAN     VS.     BASS- 
VIOL. —  GREG'S  IMMOLATION.  —  "THEN  AND  NOW." 

'E  have  a  new  church  down  in  the  valley.  Within 
this  sacred  edifice  Gregory  and  Kate  expect  to 
be  married.  If  anything  can  add  to  the  cheerful 
solemnity,  as  Mrs.  Axsey  would  say,  of  the  wedding  cere 
mony,  it  is,  I  think,  to  have  it  performed  in  a  new  church. 
A  new  church  is  redolent  of  christenings  and  sunrisings ; 
but  an  old  church  seems  musty  with  funerals  and  night. 
Our  old  church  was  a  tumble-down  affair,  with  cracked  walls, 
and  sunken  tower,  and  tottering  belfry.  In  a  high  wind 
the  church  rocked  to  its  foundation-stones,  and  the  window- 
sashes  rattled,  and  the  hands  of  the  clock  were  blown 
wildly  round  and  round,  regardless  of  the  hours  ;  while  the 
bell,  on  which  is  inscribed  a  scrap  of  old  Latin,  tolled 
mournfully,  and  of  stormy  nights  kept  the  children  of  the 
neighborhood  awake  with  its  dismal  tones,  and  frightened 
unprotected  females  half  to  death,  who  were  superstitious 
enough  to  believe  that  the  evil  one  inhabited  the  belfry  and 
tolled  the  bell  whenever  he  beheld  some  wicked  deed  per 
petrated  down  in  the  valley.  This,  of  course,  was  sheer 
nonsense ;  for  the  old  church  had  as  little  to  do  with  the 
evil  spirits  as  any  church  in  the  village ;  and  so,  for  the 
good  name  of  the  old  church,  I  would  declare  that  this  was 
a  base  and  malignant  slander. 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  251 

The  belfry  was,  however,  a  place  famous  as  the  resort  of 
numberless  swallows ;  and  near  sunset,  in  the  summer  time, 
hundreds  of  these  swift-winged  birds  glided  in  and  out,  and 
sailed  to  and  fro  around  the  belfry,  till,  as  night  closed, 
they  at  first,  one  by  one,  then  in  pairs  and  by  threes  and 
fours,  and  at  last  in  whole  flocks,  disappeared  within  it ; 
where,  for  a  long  time,  they  kept  up  a  noisy  twittering,  in 
creased  whenever  a  belated  bird  arriving,  dropped,  in  seem 
ingly  unexpected  and  undesired,  on  them.  They,  however, 
always  managed  to  make  room  for  the  new-comer ;  and  at 
last,  with  their  heads  buried  in  their  feathers,  they  sunk  to 
rest. 

For  years  Kate  and  I  found  much  amusement  in  watch 
ing  these  swallows  that,  summer  after  summer,  wheeled 
about  the  steeple  in  their  airy  flight,  or  fluttered  around  the 
vane,  alighting  perhaps  for  a  moment  upon  it,  and  then 
suddenly,  with  the  swiftness  of  an  arrow  from  the  string, 
cleaving  the  evening  air  and  disappearing  in  the  distance. 
Kate  has  said  that  she  recognized,  on  each  returning  sum 
mer,  some  individual  swallows  who  had  grown  gray  sweep 
ing  about  the  spire  year  after  year. 

In  the  old  church  were  square  pews,  occupied  by  the 
wealthier  portion  of  the  congregation,  who  sat  around  little 
tables,  and  looked  for  all  the  world  as  if  at  a  tea-party  ; 
though  there  was  no  food  for  the  body  on  the  little  tables, 
only  food  for  the  soul,  which,  after  all,  was  much  better. 
The  backs  of  the  pews  were  so  high  that  they  completely 
hid  from  sight  the  little  boys  and  girls  seated  within  ;  and, 
thereby  screened  from  the  searching  eyes  of  the  old  clergy 
man,  they  failed  not  to  make  faces  at  each  other,  and  play 
all  manner  of  fantastic  tricks.  Thus  protected,  too,  the 
larger  boys  read  Sunday-school  books  during  church-time, 
and  even  carved  their  names  with  jackknives  on  the  seats, 
instead  of  attending,  as  they  should,  to  the  sermon.  Some 
of  the  older  portion  of  the  congregation,  especially  those 
who  sat  with  their  backs  towards  the  minister,  took  short 


252  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

and  secret  naps,  during  which  they  dreamed  dreams  purely 
of  a  secular  character,  and  in  no  way  connected  with  the 
church  or  church  affairs ;  and  when  not  taking  their  naps 
they  were  engaged  in  making  little  business  calculations  in 
their  heads ;  or,  with  stubby  cedar  pencils,  figured  up  their 
past  week's  profit  or  loss,  as  it  might  be,  on  the  fly-leaves  of 
their  prayer-books.  It  is  not,  therefore,  to  be  wondered  at 
that  religion  in  the  old  church  was  at  a  low  ebb  ;  and  that 
the  saints'  days  and  the  fastdays  marked  in  the  Church's 
calendar  were  but  illy  kept ;  and  that  the  congregation  be 
came  more  and  more  dormant,  and  less  willing  to  attend  to 
the  duties  of  the  sanctuary,  with  every  revolving  year. 
They  became  dissatisfied  not  only  with  themselves,  but  like 
wise  with  the  old  clergyman,  and  spoke  some  slanderous 
things  concerning  him,  which,  reaching  his  ears,  made  him 
provoked  and  dissatisfied  in  turn  with  them,  and  finally 
careless  as  to  his  own  duties.  lie  preached  over  and  over 
old  sermons,  which  the  more  attentive  portion  of  the  con 
gregation  knew  by  heart,  until  he  at  last,  quite  disheartened, 
died  and  was  buried. 

Most  of  the  congregation  shed  a  few  tears  over  the 
coffin  containing  his  remains,  as  it  lay  in  front  of  the  chan 
cel,  on  the  day  of  his  funeral ;  and,  in  a  Christian  spirit, 
while  remembering  his  many  virtues,  forgot  his  few  faults. 
Even  the  vestry,  which,  as  a  body,  had  needlessly  embit 
tered  his  last  days,  by  passing  a  resolution  requesting  him 
to  resign  his  charge  of  the  parish,  —  to  which  request,  how 
ever,  he  refused  to  accede,  because,  as  he  said,  he  desired 
to  die  their  rector,  —  met  again,  and  passed  another  resolu 
tion,  expressive  of  their  regard  for  the  deceased,  recogniz 
ing  his  eminent  virtues,  and  bewailing  the  irreparable  loss 
which  the  parish  had  sustained  in  his  demise  ;  and,  further, 
resolving  that  if  ever  (Deus  vuli)  they  should  erect  a  new 
church,  which  subject  was  just  at  that  time  beginning  to  be 
agitated  by  some  of  the  younger  members  of  the  congrega 
tion,  they  would  place  in  the  chancel  a  window,  commem- 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  253 

orative  of  his  life-long  devotion  and  zeal  to  the  interest  of 
his  church  and  parish  ;  and  then  they  adjourned  and  re 
turned  to  their  homes,  satisfied  that  they  had  done  their 
duty  both  to  the  deceased  and  themselves.  Perhaps 
they  had ;  but  Gregory  said  some  sarcastic  and  bitter 
things  about  them,  notwithstanding  their  flattering  resolu 
tions. 

So  it  came  to  pass  that  a  younger  man,  who  had  gladly 
accepted  the  silver  call  the  vestry  gave  to  him,  succeeded 
the  old  clergyman,  and  immediately  set  himself  to  work  to 
reform  the  parish  and  arouse  it  from  the  deathly  stupor  — 
I  quote  his  own  words  —  which  had  crept  over  it  during  the 
last  and  failing  years  of  his  predecessor  in  the  holy  office. 
The  new  clergyman  had  youth,  eloquence,  perseverance, 
and  faith  in  his  own  pureness  of  purpose,  to  aid  him  in  his 
efforts  ;  so  it  is  not  at  all  strange  that,  in  a  short  time,  a  re 
markable  and  improved  change  was  noticeable  both  in  the 
attendance  and  conduct  of  his  congregation.  Even  the  old 
church  itself  underwent  an  improvement.  The  walls  and 
ceilings  were  whitewashed ;  the  cobwebs  that  for  years  had 
adorned  every  angle  and  festooned  every  practicable  point, 
and  wherein  myriads  of  unsuspecting  flies  had  fallen  victims 
to  crafty  and  cruel  spiders,  were  swept  down,  and,  with 
their  tyrannical  proprietors,  were  vaingloriously  destroyed. 
The  broken  lights  of  glass  through  which  the  winters' 
snows  and  the  summers'  showers  had  entered,  were  removed, 
and  whole  ones  inserted.  The  windows  themselves  were 
washed  both  outside  and  in,  and  the  pulpit  and  lecturn 
newly  painted  and  cushioned.  The  sounding-board  over 
the  pulpit  was  removed,  and  the  backs  and  fronts  of  the 
pews  razeed.  The  little  tables  disappeared,  and  kneeling- 
stools  took  their  places. 

In  due  time  the  new  clergyman  induced  the  congrega 
tion  to  purchase  an  organ  in  the  place  of  the  double  bass- 
viol,  whose  bow  the  old  music-teacher  who  sang  through  his 
nose  had  angularly,  if  not  gracefully  and  scientifically, 


254  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

wielded  from  time  immemoral  ;  and  who,  alas  for  "  Old 
Hundred  " !  had  to  give  way  to  an  accomplished  musician 
from  the  city,  who  improvised  voluntaries  on  the  organ, 
which,  however,  sounded  very  much  like  dancing-tunes 
slowly  played ;  and,  further,  introduced  silver  plates  —  at 
least  they  resemble  silver  —  to  be  used  at  the  oftertory, 
instead  of  the  long-handled  contribution-boxes  heretofore 
employed. 

During  the  second  year  of  the  young  clergyman's  incum 
bency,  the  corner-stone  of  the  new  church  was  laid  with 
appropriate  ceremonies ;  and  twenty  months  thereafter  the 
edifice  was  completed.  It  is  in  this  church  that  Gregory 
and  Kate,  on  Christmas-day,  are  to  be  married.  Gregory, 
who,  as  I  have  elsewhere  mentioned,  was  not  a  church- 
going  man,  owing,  probably,  to  the  puritanical  strictness 
with  which  his  early  religious  education  was  conducted, 
accompanied  me  to  the  church,  for  the  first  time  since  its 
consecration,  on  Thanksgiving-day,  to  behold  the  spot,  as 
he  expressed  it,  whereon  he  was  to  suffer  immolation.  So 
pleased  was  Gregory  with  the  Church  service  and  the  ser 
mon  of  the  young  clergyman,  which  he  considered  equal  to 
any  of  the  printed  ones  that  fill  a  portion  of  his  library- 
shelves,  that  he  has  each  successive  Sunday  accompanied 
me  thither,  and  avows  his  determination,  henceforth,  to 
attend  the  same. 

That  Gregory  sees  some  things  in  and  about  the  new 

church  and  congregation  that  displease  him,  I  gather  from 

he  following  lines,  which  he  wrote  a  few  days  after  his 

second  Sunday  in  church,  and  which  he  handed  to  me  for 

my  approval.     The  lines  in  question  are  entitled 

THEN  AND  NOW.  — BY  A  "MISERABLE   SINNER." 

In  temples  built  by  God  himself  — 

The  leafy  groves  so  fair* — 
His  first  and  purest  worshippers 

Praised  Him  with  psalm  and  prayer, 


DOWN  IN   THE  VALLEY.  255 

With  lute,  and  harp,  and  timbrel,  they 

Essayed  His  love  to  hymn  ; 
Their  tongues  with  hallelujahs  rung, 

Their  eyes  with  tears  were  dim. 

On  verdant  plains,  on  rocky  heights, 

His  altars  were  upreared, 
And  there,  for  pious  sacrifice, 

They  morn  and  eve  appeared. 

In  woods  primeval  first  they  knelt, 

And  lowly  words  of  prayer 
To  God  in  supplication  fell 

Upon  the  fragrant  air. 

The  hills  and  mountains  round  about 

In  solemn  grandeur  rose, 
The  winds  were  hushed,  the  running  brooks 

Were  stilled  in  soft  repose. 

The  forest-trees  on  every  side 

In  silent  beauty  stood, 
And  ca»>T  n  shadow,  broad  and  dark, 

Witnm  tne  sacred  wood. 

And  there  fresh  hearts  went  out  to  God, 

In  humbleness  and  love, 
And  when  life's  pilgrimage  was  closed, 

They  passed  to  homes  above. 

We  leave  the  groves,  —  God's  temples,  — 

To  raise,  with  righteous  care, 
Our  costly  shrines  and  lofty  piles, 

To  be  His  seats  of  prayer. 

We  build  of  stone  each  sacred  place, 

And  to  increase  its  worth, 
We  raise  a  roof  of  stately  height 

Above  our  mother  earth. 

We  plant  a  tower  of  massive  strength 

Beside  our  holy  fane, 
Erect  a  heaven-pointing  spire, 

Significant  but  vain. 


256  DOWN  IN   THE    VALLEY. 

We  crown  the  whole  with  gilded  cross, 

On  which  the  golden  sun 
First  sheds  its  earliest  matin  rays,  — 

Its  last  when  day  is  done. 

Within  are  Gothic  windows,  rich 

In  diamond-pointed  panes, 
Through  which  the  precious  sunlight  falli 

In  rainbow-colored  stains. 

The  chancel-rails  are  richly  carved, 

In  high  artistic  style  ; 
The  altar  is  a  work  of  art, 

The  jewel  of  the  pile. 

O'er  it,  each  Sabbath  in  the  year, 
A  fair  white  cloth  is  spread, 

And  standing  near,  the  man  of  God  , 
Pours  wine  and  breaketh  bread. 

And  in  the  nave  tall  columns  rise, 

Symmetrical  to  view, 
With  ceilings  groined  and  pencilled  wall*, 

All  stained  a  dainty  hue. 

And,  lo  !  between  the  columns 
Are  cushioned  seats  of  ease, 

Where  sit  the  wealthy  worshippers, 
Nor  bend  their  stubborn  knees  ; 

Nor  lift  their  stony  hearts  in  prayer, 
Nor  think  of  Him  who  died, 

With  crown  of  thorns  upon  His  brow  — 
Their  Lord,  the  Crucified. 

For  them  't  is  all-sufficient 

If  each  but  bows  his  head 
When  solemn  prayers  are  offered, 
Or  the  litany  is  read. 

No  need  for  them  to  utter, 

In  penitential  grief, 
The  prayers  through  which  the  sinner* 

Are  seeking  for  relief. 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  257 

Indeed,  such  words  were  useless 

For  them  to  utter  there, 
Unless,  in  sweet  humility, 

They  sought  His  loving  care. 

But  next  the  wall  the  poor  man  kneels, 

And  prays  with  fervent  zeal, 
And  though  his  clothes  he  coarse  and  old, 

God  careth  for  his  weal. 

He  cannot  see  the  white-rohed  priest,  — 

The  columns  interfere,  — 
But  he  can  hear  the  living  words 

That  fill  his  listening  ear. 

And  if  no  sparrow  falls  to  earth, 

Unnoticed  by  His  eye, 
Much  less  His  sovereign  love  and  care 

Will  pass  the  poor  man  by. 

Cheer  up,  brave  hearts  !  though  coarse  and  thin 

The  garments  which  you  wear, 
They  will  be  changed  to  angel  robes, 

Most  glorious  and  rare. 

God  grant  that,  in  these  troubled  times, 

Both  rich  and  poor  may  place 
Their  safe  reliance  in  the  Lord, 

And  seek  His  smiling  face. 

And  then  though  moth  and  rust  corrupt, 

And  thieves  break  through  and  steal, 
His  mercy  '11  temper  every  loss 

Of  fortune's  changing  wheel. 

And  they  who  worship  in  a  church, 

And  those  without  who  pray  — 
Both  rich  and  poor  —  should  bless  the  Lord, 

Who  keeps  them  day  by  day. 

IT 


258  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 


XIII. 

GREGORY    GETS    READY   TO    BE    MARRIED.  —  ORPHAN   ASY 
LUM.  PETER    COOPER. WHAT  THE  YOUNG  LAWYER 

SAID. HOW    HE    PLAYS    CHESS. GREGORY'S  ADVICE. 

MRS.    AXSEY    SPEAKS. TEMPTING   PROVIDENCE. THE 

LATE    MR.    A.  —  "A   BACHELOR'S    LEGACY." 

'RE GORY  GRUMM  is  the  busiest  man,  nowa 
days,  of  which  I  know.  He  is  settling  up  his 
bachelor  estate,  and  he  appears  to  give  his  whole 
mind  to  it.  He  is  paying  all  kinds  of  bills,  and  writing  all 
manner  of  billets.  Pompey  is  reaping  a  harvest  of  cast-off 
clothing.  No  "  old  clothing "  establishment  in  Chatham 
Street  could  make  a  larger  display  of  second-hand  articles 
of  a  single  gentleman's  wardrobe  than  Pompey.  Gregory 
is  determined  to  leave,  not  only  his  bachelor  garments  — 
his  roundabouts  and  loose  trousers  —  behind  him,  but  also 
his  bachelor  habits.  The  bit  of  advice  w.hich  I  gave  him 
on  Thanksgiving-day,  while  at  the  dinner-table,  took  root, 
and  blossomed  and  bore  fruit.  Having  wisely  concluded 
not  to  retain  the  Hemlocks  as  a  rendezvous  for  his  bachelor 
friends,  he  is  going  to  convert  it  into  an  orphan  asylum, 
and  has  already  deeded  the  place  to  the  Golden-Rule  So 
ciety  for  that  purpose.  The  old  ladies  speak  of  him  as  a 
philanthropist,  and  the  young  lawyer  who  received  the  deed 
in  trust  for  the  society  made  Gregory  a  brief  speech  at  the 
time,  and  termed  him  another  Howard  —  also,  a  second 
Peter  Cooper.  Gregory  is  quite  modest,  but  I  am  inclined 
to  think  that  he  was  greatly  pleased  with  having  his  humble 
name  coupled  with  that  of  Peter  Cooper.  "  Ah  !  "  said  he  to 
me,  as  we  sat  talking  over  this  affair,  a  few  hours  after  the 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  259 

presentation  of  the  deed,  —  "  ah ! "  he  repeated,  "  that  young 
lawyer  is  a  very  clever  fellow  —  so  intelligent,  so  discerning, 
so  perfectly  correct  in  everything  he  states.  By  the  way, 
it  was  very  kind  in  him,  was  n't  it  ?  to  speak  in  the  manner 
he  did  of  me,  in  connection  with  Cooper.  A  rising  young 
man,  sir ;  I  should  not  be  at  all  surprised  if  he  became  a 
chief-justice  one  of  these  days.  Well,  well,  Peter  Cooper, 
to  be  sure."  And  Gregory  wreathed  his  head  with  the 
smoke  from  a  final  bachelor  cigar,  until  he  seemed  crowned 
with  a  civic  wreath. 

I  may  as  well  here  mention  that  the  rising  young  man 
alluded  to  passes  a  great  deal  of  his  time  both  at  the 
Hemlocks  and  at  Allen-Dale.  He  seems  to  have  suddenly 
taken  wonderfully  to  Gregory  and  myself.  He  declares 
that  our  conversation  improves  his  mind ;  that  every  word 
we  utter  is  as  good  as  a  page  of  Blackstone  to  him,  and 
that  the  jokes  of  Punch  are  as  nothing  compared  with 
those  which  we  get  off.  He  comes  purposely,  he  says,  to 
play  chess  with  me,  and  "  old  sledge "  with  Gregory. 
Somehow,  though,  we  neither  of  us  ever  get  to  playing  a 
game  with  him.  Often  has  it  happened  that  when  I  have 
been  to  get  the  chess-men,  I  have  found  him,  on  my  return, 
so  completely  crinolined  into  a  corner  by  Miss  Lilly  as  to 
be  utterly  unable  to  extricate  himself  from  her  toils.  The 
poor  fellow,  I  knew  all  the  time,  wished  to  get  away  so  as 
to  enjoy  a  silent  game,  with  me,  but  was  actually  compelled, 
since  there  was  no  way  of  getting  around  and  past  the  crin 
oline,  to  remain  with  Lilly  and  listen  to  her  talk  concern 
ing  gloves,  King  Charles  spaniels,  Newport,  and  "  Noth 
ing  to  Wear."  It  does  appear  a  little  singular,  however, 
that  he  —  the  rising  young  lawyer  —  never  comes  to  play 
chess  with  me  except  on  such  evenings  as  Lilly  chances  to 
be  at  Allen-Dale  ;  and  that  he  goes  to  the  Hemlocks  to 
play  with  Gregory  only  when  Lilly  is  there. 

But  to  go  back  to  Gregory.  So  completely  is  he  pos 
sessed  with  the  one  idea  of  getting  married  that  he  can 


2GO  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

never  let  the  subject  rest  more  than  an  'hour  at  a  time. 
He  is  continually  advising  some  one  to  get  married.  He 
recommends  it  to  me  fifty  times  a  day ;  and  when  I  ask 
»him  who  shall  I  marry,  he  replies,  Kate,  or  Lilly,  or  Mrs. 
Axsey.  or  any  one,  indeed,  so  long  as  you  get  married. 
He  gives  the  same  advice  to  Pompey,  and  to  Jasper  Milli- 
kens,  and  to  the  rising  young  man  —  the  latter  of  whom 
promised  Gregory  that  he  would  attentively  consider  the 
matter,  and  if  he  could  consistently  follow  his  advice  he 
would  certainly  do  so,  and  I,  for  my  part,  have  no  doubt 
but  that  the  "  clever  fellow  "  will. 

Gregory  has  been  employing  his  leisure  moments  in 
composing  some  verses,  which  he  entitles,  "  A  Bachelor's 
Legacy."  It  is,  indeed,  a  poetical  bequest  of  various  items, 
which  he  in  his  ignorance  conceives  will  be  no  more  wanted 
by  him  in  his  married  state.  Some  of  these,  which  he  so 
pleasantly  leaves  to  sundry  friends,  he  may  possibly  not 
require  under  the  new  order  of  things  ;  but  it  strikes  me 
that  the  proportion  of  articles  therein  named  would  prove, 
as  Mrs.  Axsey  says,  "just  as  handy  "  to  a  married  man  as 
to  a  bachelor.  But  I  shall  let  Gregory  find  out  all  this 
himself.  Because  he  is  intending  to  spend  a  few  months 
in  the  South  is  not  a  good  reason,  therefore,  why  he  should 
make  bequests  of  the  nature  below  narrated.  He  could 
not  do  much  otherwise  if  he  were  going  to  die,  and  it  was 
his  will  that  he  had  drawn  up.  It  lacks  the  usual  form  of 
such  testaments,  to  be  sure ;  but  Mrs.  Axsey  declares  that 
it  is  just  no  more  nor  less  than  a  will  done  up  in  rhyme, 
and  that,  for  her  part,  she  considers  it 's  tempting  Provi 
dence  for  a  man,  in  good  health,  "  to  "  squat  down  in  cold 
blood  "  and  write  such  a  "  docyment."  "  Now,  there,"  said 
she.  "  was  my  Number  Two  ;  he  was  jest  as  likely  and 
healthy  a  man  —  only  he  was  n't  so  large  and  solidary  as 
Mister  Grumm  is  —  as  any  you  could  'ave  scared  up.  and 
who  would  'ave  lived  for  sixty  years,  perhaps,  if  not  longer, 
nad  n't  he,  like  a  great  coot,  gone  off  one  day  to  Squire 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  261 

Davis's  an'  got  him  to  write  off  a  sermonlike  will.  I  dis- 
remember  now  exactly  how  it  commenced,  but  I  know  that 
'  amen  '  was  in  it  somewhere.  Well,  he  left  everything  on 
earth  that  he  owned,  in  that  will,  to  me,  and  what  was  the 
consequence  ?  Why,  that  very  night  he  was  took  badly 
with  fits,  and  Tore  another  week  he  gin  up  the  ghost. 
And  I  always  persisted  in  saying  that  if  it  had  n't  been  for 
that  will-making,  my  Number  Two  would  have  been  living 
now." 

"  Which  would  certainly,"  I  added,  "  have  made  it  ex 
tremely  disagreeable  for  the  late  Mr.  Axsey." 

"  Well,  now,  I  must  allow,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  A.,  "  that  it 
sartinly  never  struck  me  in  that  light  before.  La,  suz  !  I 
guess  it  would  'ave  riled  Axsey  a  good  deal.  Well,  Prov 
idence  is  Providence,,  after  all ;  ain't  it  ?  " 

I  "  allowed  "  that  it  was,  and  further  suggested  that  will- 
making,  all  things  considered,  was  not  only  highly  proper, 
but  really  commendable,  under  some  circumstances. 

Mrs.  Axsey  coincided  with  me ;  and  then  I  read  aloud, 
so  that  she  might  perceive  how  near  to  a  will  they  ap-' 
preached,  the  following  verses  :  — 

A  BACHELOR'S  LEGACY. 
Full  forty  years  I  've  single  dwelt, 

And  scarcely  known  a  sorrow  ; 
Fortune  with  me  has  kindly  dealt, 

And  n$w  I  never  borrow  ; 
For  gold  nor  silver  d.o  1  lack, 

I  've  bank-notes  by  the  ream,  sir, 
Of  mortgages  i  have  a  stack, 

And  drive  a  double  team,  sir. 

I  've  lived  a  solitary  life, 

Along  with  my  old  valet, 
But  now  I  mean  to  take  a  wife  — 

Some  one  down  in  the  valley  ; 
And  so,  as  I  no  more  shall  need 

My  bachelor  enjoyments, 
I  '11  let  my  wild  oats  run  to  seed, 

And  follow  grave  employments. 


262  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 

To  Pompey  I  bequeath  my  hat, 

My  stockings,  boots,  and  collars, 
My  boxing-gloves,  my  ball  and  bat, 

And  fifty  golden  dollars. 
To  Mrs.  Axsey,  all  forlorn, 

I  leave  my  hen  and  chickens, 
The  kitchen-stove,  —  't  is  somewhat  worn,  • 

The  cupboard,  with  its  pickings. 

To  Parson  Wright,  who  never  wrong 

To  man  or  beast  intended, 
I  leave  the  burden  of  a  song, 

That  never  can  be  ended, — 
A  grateful  one  of  thanks  and  praise, 

And  eke  some  sermons  musty, 
Preached  by  my  father  in  the  days 

When  he  was  old  and  crusty. 

To  my  good  friend  the  Doctor,  who 

Likes  Timothy's  direction, 
A  cask  of  brandy,  marked  "  Old  Q," 

I  leave  for  his  inspection  ; 
One  case  of  sparkling  Champagne  wine, 

A  box  of  choice  Havanas, 
The  table  off  of  which  I  dine, 

My  work  on  "  Social  Manners." 

I  leave  my  various  games  of  chance, 

A  cooking-book  by  Soyer, 
My  sightly  list  of  "  wines  of  France," 

Unto  our  rising  lawyer  ; 
My  patent  bang-up  corkscrew,  too, 

A  jar  of  piccalilli, 
My  latch-key,  just  as  good  as  new, 

But  not  my  gentle  Lilly. 

To  Fred,  the  rascal !  I  bequeath 

My  silver  mug  and  sandals, 
My  MS.  poems,  styled  "  The  Wreath," 

And  half  a  dozen  candles, 
My  story-books  of  fairy  lore, 

With  cuts  of  dwarf  and  giant, 
And  portraits,  too,  of  Little  Jack, 

And  others  as  defiant. 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  263 

I  leave  to  Paul  my  diamond  ring, 

And  Lilly  White  to  tend  him, 
Each  evening  must  she  play  and  sing, 

And  while  I  'm  gone  befriend  him ; 
And  oh  !  my  friend  of  other  days, 

To  you  I  do  appeal,  sir, 
That  you  will  follow  in  my  ways, 

And  find  your  woe  or  weal,  sir. 


264  DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY 


XIV. 

CHRISTMAS     NIGHT. TEN     TEARS      AGO. A      CHRISTMAS 

PARTY. KATE    AND    IJ    HER    STORY    AND    MINE. THE 

MARRIAGE. IN     THE     CHURCH. GREG'S     ESCAPE. — 

DIMES    AND  QUARTERS.  —  THE     DINNER. MRS.    AXSEY 

AND  MILLIKINS. NO.  FOUR. A  SECRET. THE  LAST 

FAREWELL.  —  ALONE. 

\T  is  Christmas  night,  and  I  am  alone  in  the  old  stone 
house  down  in  the  valley  —  alone  with  but  my  own 
thoughts  to  keep  me  company.  The  fire,  which 
all  day  long  had  sent  great  shafts  of  flame  up  the  wide- 
throated  chimney,  and  had  thrown  out  into  the  room  a 
cheerful  warmth  and  ruddy  light,  is  now  smouldering  on 
the  hearth.  I  hear  only  the  ticking  of  the  hall-clock  be 
hind  the  door,  and  the  wind  wailing  mournfully  around  the 
corners  of  the  house  and  about  the  lofty  gables.  Once 
in  my  life  before,  on  Christmas  night,  have  I  sat  alone 
battling  with  sorrow.  Then,  as  now,  the  wind  sobbed  like 
a  broken-hearted  child  around  my  home.  Then,  as  now, 
the  fire  flickered  and  died  away,  and  the  old  clock  said, 
"  Forever  —  never."  But  a  heavier  grief  was  on  my  heart 
then  than  there  is  now.  My  home  appeared  more  deso 
late,  and  I  seemed  more  alone  in  the  world  than  noV. 
Only  a  few  days  previous  I  had  laid  my  young  wife  in  her 
solitary  grave ;  and  though  I  had  heard  the  frozen  earth 
rattle  on  her  coffin,  and  seen  the  grave  filled  up  and 
rounded  over,  and  watched  the  falling  snow,  till  even  all 
semblance  of  the  grave  itself  was  hidden  from  sight,  I  had 
failed  to  realize,  in  its  full  extent,  how  totally  alone  I  was 
in  the  wide  world  ;  but  as  I  recalled  to  my  mind  the 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  265 

Christmas  nights  gone  by,  wherein  she  and  I  had  sat  side 
by  side,  and,  after  long  grappling  with  the  idea,  as  if  it 
were  a  hideous  nightmare,  had  at  last  succeeded  in  fully 
realizing  that  never  again  on  earth,  at  Christmas,  or  on 
any  other  day  in  all  coming  years,  would  she  and  I  meet 
around  our  blazing  fire,  did  grief,  with  its  crushing  weight 
of  agony,  press  upon  my  heart. 

And  now,  after  ten  years  have  elapsed,  am  I  again  spend 
ing  the  Christmas  night  alone.  Time,  it  is  true,  has  as 
suaged  the  bitterndss  of  my  sorrow,  and  blessed  memories 
of  her  whom  I  have  lost  come  to  fill  its  place  in  my  mind ; 
but  still  the  terrible  feeling  of  loneliness,  which  I  recollect 
then  to  have  experienced,  returns  with  even  redoubled 
force  upon  my  soul.  Then,  though  a  gulf  was  between  us, 
I  felt  that  I  could  measure  it  by  days;  but  now  we  are 
divided  by  a  gulf  of  years,  and  though  something  within 
me  whispers  that  the  years  I  have  passed  over  that  sepa 
rate  her  from  me,  are  greater  in  number  than  the  years 
to  come,  which  stand  between  us,  I  fail  to  realize  it,  and 
only  see  the  gulf  widening  behind  me,  nor  behold  the 
narrowing  one  before. 

I  said  I  was  alone,  on  Christmas  night,  in  the  old  stone 
house  down  in  the  valley.  It  is  even  so.  Gregory  and 
Kate  are  married  and  gone.  Fred  and  Lilly  accompanied 
them  as  far  as  to  the  city.  The  young  clergyman  who  per 
formed  the  ceremony,  and  who,  afterwards,  with  a  few 
friends,  repaired  to  Allen-Dale,  to  partake  of  the  united 
wedding  and  Christmas  dinner,  long  since  departed,  leav 
ing  me  to  solitude  and  reflection. 

Last  night  Allen-Dale  was  alive  with  guests.  Not  a 
room  in  the  house  that  was  not  thrown  open  to  the  party 
assembled.  Christmas  stories  were  told,  Christmas  carols 
were  sung,  Christmas  games  were  played,  and  Christmas 
cakes  were  eaten.  The  Yule  log  blazed  in  the  hall  chim 
ney  ;  the  holly  and  mistletoe  hung  from  the  ceiling  ;  sprigs 
of  cedar  adorned  the  window-panes,  and  wreaths  of  ever- 


266  DOWN  IN  THE   VALLEY. 

green  festooned  the  walls.  The  wassail-bowl  overflowed 
on  the  sideboard,  and  hundreds  of  waxen  candles  con 
sumed  slowly  away  ;  cheeks  and  lips  were  kissed,  hands 
were  secretly  pressed,  and  dainty  forms  were  tenderly 
clasped  as  their  owners  whirled  in  the  giddy  dance.  Thus 
merrily  sped  Christmas  eve  ;  and  only  after  the  hour  when 
it  is  said  that  oxen  kneel  in  their  stalls,  and  when  Christ 
mas  greetings  had  been  joyfully  exchanged  by  one  and 
all  of  those  assembled,  did  the  party  begin  to  disperse. 
And  when  the  last  guest  had  gone,  and  Gregory,  even,  had 
departed,  and  Lilly  and  Fred  said,  "  Good-night,"  then  did 
Kate  and  I  —  feeling  that  it  was  for  the  last  time  —  sit 
side  by  side,  before  the  still  blazing  fire,  and  recall,  not  with 
out  tears  as  well  as  smiles,  the  Christmas  eves  we  two  had 
passed  together.  Of  all,  however,  that  was  spoken  by  us 
to  each  other,  none  will  ever  know.  There  are  matters 
too  sacred  and  precious  to  be  laid  before  a  curious  public ; 
and  Kate's  story  of  her  early  love,  so  touching  in  its  char 
acter,  and  so  honorable  to  her  woman's  nature,  —  of  which 
she  had  never  breathed  to  me  a  syllable  before,  —  must 
forever  remain  buried  in  my  own  bosom.  I,  too,  had  a  story 
of  love,  not  so  old  a  one  as  Kate's,  but  of  later  date,  even 
of  the  present,  of  which  she  had  never  heard,  that  I  might 
have  told  her,  but  which,  for  her  sake  as  well  as  my  own,  I 
pressed  down  into  a  corner  of  my  heart,  beside  the  buried 
hopes  and  fears  of  long  ago.  Is  it  any  wonder,  then,  that, 
as  I  sit  alone  this  Christmas  night,  I  should  feel  my  deso- 
lateness  even  as  I  did  ten  years  ago  ? 

Morning  was  breaking  before  Kate  and  I  parted,  and  as 
I  kissed  the  tears  from  her  cheeks,  she  clasped  my  hand 
and  cried,  "  God  bless  you,  Paul ;  forever  bless  and  keep 
you ! "  and  thus  the  ten  years  of  life  which  we  had  so 
happily  passed  together  down  in  the  valley  came  to  an 
end.  For,  on  the  morrow  —  this  very  morning,  though  it 
seems  to  me  an  age  ago  —  when  we  again  met,  Gregory 
itood  prepared  to  take  her  from  me ;  and  so  just  before 


DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY.  2G7 

the  hour  of  the  Christmas  morning's  services,  we  repaired 
to  the  new  church,  and,  standing  in  the  body  of  the  church, 
the  twain  were  made  one;  and  as  the  early  comers  to 
church  entered  its  doors,  the  blessing  was  pronounced,  and 
the  wedding  party  turned  down  the  aisle  and  entered  my 
pew  to  join  in  the  Christmas  praises.  Then  the  bell  high 
up  in  the  tower  of  the  new  church  rung  a  merry  peal,  so 
that  every  one  down  in  the  valley  knew  that  a  marriage 
had  taken  place,  and  with,  I  thought,  a  greater  speed  and 
anxiety  than  usual,  the  congregation  hastened  to  church. 
Of  course  the  sexon,  while  he  tolled  the  bell,  also  told  the 
people  as  they  passed  him,  who  it  were  that  had  been 
stealing  a  march  upon  them.  Great  was  the  wonderment, 
and  surprise,  and  whisperings  that  ensued,  when  the  fact 
that  it  was  Kate,  and  not  Lilly,  whom  Gregory  had  mar 
ried,  was  fully  known. 

It  was  with  difficulty  that  the  young  clergyman  could 
obtain  the  attention  of  any  one  of  his  congregation  long 
enough  for  them  to  understand  more  than  the  subject  of  his 
discourse.  Every  eye  turned  irresistibly  toward  Gregory 
and  Kate.  She  failed  to  show,  by  any  visible  sign  of  emo 
tion,  that  she  knew  herself  to  be  the  target  of  all  eyes. 
She  bore  her  new  honors  with  womanly  dignity,  and  never 
for  a  moment  betrayed  any  discomposure.  Gregory,  on 
the  contrary,  displayed  his  feelings  very  plainly.  He  grew 
red  and  white  by  turns,  coughed  till  he  nearly  strangled, 
wiped  great  beads  of  perspiration  from  his  brow,  and  had 
not  Kate  turned  on  him  a  wife's  rebuking  glance,  he  would 
have  rushed  from  the  church  before  the  sermon  was  ended. 
As  it  was,  he  fled  the  moment  it  came  to  a  close,  "  to 
escape,"  he  whispered  to  me,  as  he  reached  over  for  his 
hat,  "  the  confounded  congratulations  of  the  congregation." 

When,  after  the  services  were  concluded,  and  Kate  — 
who,  at  my  suggestion,  had  escaped  receiving  the  good 
wishes  of  the  assembly,  by  departing  through  the  robing- 
room  —  had  reached  the  street,  we  found  Gregory  waiting 


268  DOWN  IN  THE   VALLEY. 

for  us  in  the  bridal  sleigh,  with  Jasper  Millikins  on  the 
box,  and  engaged  in  tossing  dimes  and  quarters  to  the 
roguish  boys  of  the  village,  who  were  wishing  him  any 
amount  of  joy.  If  ever  a  husband  were  glad  to  see  his 
wife  coming  toward  him,  it  was  Gregory ;  for  his  small 
change*  was  getting  scarce,  and  he  would  soon  have  been 
obliged  to  distribute  his  bank-bills.  So,  getting  into  the 
sleigh,  Jasper  cracked  his  whip,  and  the  four  white  horses, 
as  with  one  will,  started  forward,  amid  the  cheers  of  the 
crowd,  for  Allen-Dale. 

It  was  a  small  but  merry  party  that  met  around  our 
Christmas  board  ; —  Gregory  and  Kate  ;  the  young  clergy 
man  and  his  betrothed  ;  the  rising  young  lawyer  and  Lilly ; 
the  old  doctor,  Gregory's  family  physician ;  Fred  and  my 
self.  Mrs.  Axsey,  who  had  attended  to  the  getting  up  of  the 
dinner,  just  after  it  was  placed  on  the  table,  disappeared. 
What  had  become  of  the  old  lady  no  one  knew  ;  but  still 
her  absence  did  not  prevent  our  enjoyment  of  it.  When 
the  young  clergyman  had  asked  a  blessing  with,  it  appeared 
to  me,  a  degree  of  unctuousness  seldom  witnessed,  the 
feast  began.  Though  many  good  things  were  eaten  and 
drunk,  and  many  good  jokes  and  speeches  made,  it  was  not 
until  we  were  on  the  point  of  rising  from  the  table,  and 
when  Gregory  had  just  concluded  his  farewell  speech,  that 
the"  crowning  act  of  the  day's  proceedings  took  place. 
Then,  at  a  preconcerted  signal  given  by  the  young  clergy 
man,  the  wide  sliding-doors  were  opened,  and  arm  in  arm 
into  the  dining-room  walked  Mrs.  Axsey  and  Jasper  Milli 
kins.  The  clergyman  stepped  forward,  book  in  hand,  and 
then  and  there  proceeded  to  make  the  couple  man  and 
wife. 

"  Now  then,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Millikins,  the  moment  the 
knot  was  tied,  "  I  kinder  guess  I  've  got  my  number  four." 

The  only  person  present  who  seemed  at  all  desirous  of 
disputing  this  point  was  Number  Four  himself,  who  shook 
his  head  in  a  negative  style,  and  slowly  opened  his  mouth 


DOWX  IN  THE  VALLEY.  269 

as  if  to  speak  ;  but  as  his  "  lady  "  paid  no  attention  to  him, 
he  wisely  closed  it  again,  and  contented  himself  by  thrust 
ing  his  hands  deep  down  into  his  trousers'  pockets,  and 
changing  the  situation  of  the  tobacco  within  his  mouth  ; 
while  she  continued,  "I  kinder  guess,  tew,  that  ef  any 
pusson  can  keep  a  secret  better  'n  me,  you  '11  have  hard 
work  to  pint  'em  out.  Now  here  's  my  Jasper,  I  knowed 
he  'd  never  be  able  to  keep  his  mouth  shet  ef  I  told  him 
.we  was  agoing  to  git  married ;  so  I  never  let  on  to  him  a 
word  about  it  till  after  he  druv  back  from  church,  and  ef 
the  hull  thing  did  n't  take  my  gentleman  by  surprise,  then 
I  agree  to  gin  up  knowing  what  a  surprise  is.  But  he 
were,  I  must  allow,  most  oncommon  willin'  to  be  my 
Number  Four,  and  I  did  n't  hev  to  coax  him  one  single 
bit ;  but  he  come  along  with  me  jest  for  all  the  world  like 
a  critter  to  the  slaughter." 

Then,  with  much  merriment,  we  drank  the  last  bride 
and  groom's  health  ;  and  as  soon  as  he  could  conveniently, 
Jasper,  with  a  bottle  of  champagne  under  each  arm,  retired 
to  the  kitchen,  where  he  was  laid  out  in  an  incredibly 
short  space  of  time. 

This  wedding  threw  the  first  entirely  into  the  shade,  and 
when  Gregory  and  Kate  rode  down  to  the  railroad  station, 
there  was  scarce  a  dozen  persons  present  to  gaze  at  them, 
the  great  bulk  of  the  villagers  being  occupied  in  hunting 
up  Jasper  Millikins,  in  hope  of  obtaining  a  speech  from 
him. 

So  Kate  and  Gregory  went  away,  accompanied  by  Fred 
and  Lilly,  and  taking  Pompey,  who  will  travel  with  them 
and  attend  to  their  wants ;  and  I,  Paul,  am  left  alone  and 
sad,  this  Christmas  night,  within  the  old  stone  house, 

DOWN  IN  THE  VALLEY. 


THE   END. 


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